I Love Grandfather Clocks. Big Time!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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And I love puns as well.

So brace yourselves for another selection of word plays.

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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It pains me to say it,

but I have a sore throat

 sore throat

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There was a knock at the door this morning,

so I opened it and there was a basin on the doorstep.

I thought, “I’d better let this sink in.”

 sink

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For the record I bought

a vinyl cleaning machine

 record

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Having just punched a midget selling watches,

I know I’ve hit an all time low.

 watches

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Are there any fat people in Finland?

 fat people in Finland

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Have you ever wondered what the

word for ‘dot’ looks like in braille?

 braille

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My girlfriend broke up with me

because of my obsession with puzzles.

There were a lot of cross words

 crossword

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I can’t undo wrongs.

But I can write them.

 write

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A friend dared me to steal a

flat-bottomed boat from the river.

I thought, “Why not. I’ll take a punt.”

 punt

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Everyone loved the baker.

He had a massive flan base.

 massive flan

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I don’t regard being a toastmaster a job,

it’s more a calling.

 toastmaster

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The ten largest baseball stadiums hold

between 46,000 – 56,000 people.

Just some ballpark figures for you.

 baseball stadium

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My girlfriend asked me what I’d do with my life if I lost her.

I said it would be like breaking a pencil.

She said, “Do you mean it would be pointless?”

I said, “No, I’d just go out and buy another one.”

 breaking a pencil

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I’ve just bought some ghost-shaped laxative tablets.

They scare the crap out of me.

ghost-shaped laxative

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Starting: What Jamaican Astronomers Look At.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Starting with a star ting must mean it’s Pun Day.

Another selection of word plays for you to ….

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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Sadly, the man who invented

the raffle has passed away.

R.I.P Tom Bola.

Tom Bola

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I’ve been merciless with my French class.

I get no thanks.

merci

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I was standing on soft ground

but I didn’t realize at first

because it took a while to sink in.

soft ground

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If you give a physicist to a cannibal,

he’ll eat Faraday.

cartoon-cannibal-fork-13783193

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I’ve read ‘Plumbing For Dummies’ twice and

I still haven’t got a clue what I’m doing.

I guess it’s going to take another

few reads before this sinks in.

Plumbing For Dummies

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If your dad had a sex change,

would he be your transparent.

sex-change_clinic_you_again_234695

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Chinese censors are trying to

ban the use of puns in the media.

This is the wong move, and I hope

Western governments don’t panda to it.

panda

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I’m beginning to see loads of second

hand shops opening up in my area.

Surely selling the complete clock

would be more profitable???

second hand shops

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I just built a huge tower of books.

It had to be like 50 stories.

huge tower of books

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When David Rockefeller was asked to make

a contribution to the American conservation movement,

he planted two Bushes in the White House.

two Bushes in the White House

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Have you seen the new

’30 minutes or it’s free’

cocaine home delivery service?

They call it Instagram.

cocaine home delivery service

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My boyfriend took me out in his new Ferrari last night,

and spent the whole time going on about acceleration,

power-to-weight ratios, handling and braking efficiency,

before dropping me at home and zooming off into the night. 

Frankly, I was hoping for less torque and more action.

new Ferrari 2015

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I went to the doctor because

of my morbid fear of breasts.

He said I’m suffering from

aracknophobia.

Got-Rack-Girls_r7_c1

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I met this dwarf called Peter the other day,

he’s a baker and he was telling

me all about baking flatbreads,

it was fascinating.

I love to hear the

Pita patter of tiny Pete.

flatbread

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Music puns,

Not everyone can Handel them…

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= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

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Ants In Your Pants? There’s Plenty Of ‘Em!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Hi and welcome to fact day which does, as the title suggests, include an amazing fact about the number of ants ib the world. They may not be in your pants, but keep a look out just in case!

And now for the facts.

Enjoy.

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did you know2

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Halloween, which we’ve all just endured another year,

is thought to have originated around 4000 B.C.,

which means Halloween has been around for over 6,000 years

and is one of the oldest celebrations in the world.

happy halloween

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Most vegetables and almost all fruits contain

a small amount of alcohol in them.

Cheers!

vegetables

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Some scientific studies suggest there are about

10,000,000,000,000,000 individual ants

alive on Earth at any given time.

Ants are estimated to represent about 15–20%

of the total terrestrial animal biomass,

which exceeds that of the vertebrates.

Ant from_a_bugs_life

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When Pluto was discovered it was initially

believed to be larger than Earth.

Now astronomers know that it’s about

1,455 miles (2,352 kilometers) across,

less than 20 percent as big as the Earth.

planets in our solar system smaller than earth

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Thomas Stewart Armistead was a Confederate officer

who fought bravely in the American Civil War.

After being wounded at the Battle of the Wilderness he

was captured and placed in a camp near Morris Island

where the Union authorities used him as a human

shield to prevent fire from nearby Confederate artillery batteries.

Thomas Stewart Armistead and 599 other Confederate officers

who had also been captured became known as “The Immortal 600.”

When, on November 16, 1922, Armistead died at the age of 80 he

was the last survivor and member of “The Immortal 600.”

Thomas Stewart Armistead

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The American football team the Baltimore Ravens are named

in honor of Edgar Allan Poe’s classic poem ‘The Raven’.

Baltimore_Ravens_logo

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The construction of the Great Wall of China took over 2 thousands years,

the very first parts being built as early as in the 8th century BC.

Great Wall of China

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Table for one, sir?

Amsterdam´s restaurant At Eenmaal,

founded by social designer Marina van Goor,

has become famous because the only type of table

that you can find in the restaurant is a table for one.

restaurant At Eenmaal

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The largest thermometer in the world is 134-feet-tall (40.843m)

and was built by businessman Willis Herron in Baker, California.

The thermometer is supposed to serve as a memento of

the highest recorded temperature in the U.S.

measured in nearby Death Valley

– 134 degrees Fahrenheit (56.6 Celsius) in 1913.

The thermometer is no longer in operation,

and was put up for sale in January 2013.

largest thermometer in the world

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In 410 A.D. Alaric the Visigoth demanded that Rome give

him three thousand pounds of pepper as ransom,

an amount not to be sneezed at.

Alaric the Visigoth

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Abu Nasr Isma’il ibn Hammad al-Jawhari was an author of

a notable Arabic dictionary containing about 40,000 entries.

He is also remembered in Arabic history for

his attempt to fly with wooden wings.

He leapt from the roof of a mosque in the old town of Nishapur,

whereupon gravity took control and

he promptly hit the ground and was killed.

Abu Nasr Isma'il ibn Hammad al-Jawhari

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If you spray an antiseptic spray on a polar bear,

its fur will turn purple.

I wonder who got close enough to find that one out?

antiseptic spray on a polar bear

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The Japanese Empire was the largest maritime empire in history,

spanning more than 7 million square kilometers and gained such

notoriety that it took atomic bombings in Hiroshima and Nagasaki

plus plenty of other battles to defeat it.

Japanese Empire

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The movie that grossed the most money that was

adapted from a T.V. cartoon is Scooby-Doo

scooby-doo

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Quite often when a book is made into a movie a lot of things get changed.

Sometimes this spoils the story for those who have read the book,

other times it can improve it.

In Robert Bloch’s novel  the main character ‘Norman Bates’

was short, fat, older, and very dislikable.

In Alfred Hitchcock’s movie version, however,

he was young, handsome, and sympathetic, and one

of the most well-known characters in film history.

Here are a couple of clips….

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Okay, Enough Of The Presidential Nonsense – Time To Get Serious!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, if the election didn’t make you groan, here’s your chance.

Its bad joke pun day!

Enjoy them if you can.  

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It wasn’t school John disliked it was just the principal of it.

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A toothless termite walked into a tavern and said, “Is the bar tender here?”

termite .

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An electrician is a bright spark who knows what’s watt.

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Women who wear $200.00 perfume obviously are known to have no common scents.

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Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was in tents.

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A baker stopped making donuts after he got tired of the hole thing.

donut cartoon .

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Communism first took off in the insect kingdom when a wary wasp joined the cagey bee.

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In the winter my dog wears his coat,

but in the summer he wears his coat and pants.

 Dog panting.

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Did you hear about the raisin that wined about how he couldn’t achieve grapeness.

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Opening a new funeral parlor can be quite an undertaking.

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I tend to avoid funerals, I’m not really a mourning person.

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The grammarian was never late. In fact he was always very punctual.

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I dropped out of my communism class because of lousy Marx.

 Obama-Marx cartoon.

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I finished my trigonometry exam without a secant to lose.

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To many girls the word ‘marriage’ has a nice ring to it.

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Those who stare at the moon are optimists.

They only look at the bright side.

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Tennis players don’t marry because Love means Nothing to them.

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Can Napoleon return to his place of birth?

Of Corsican.

 Napoleon cartoon.

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