Exit Signs Are On The Way Out!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Exit signs may well be on the way out, but thankfully a bit of word play isn’t.

Welcome to pun day.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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Isn’t it odd that the word “sneaky”

doesn’t have some silent letters in it?

psyneaky

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Every time the fishmonger lost his knife it always

turned up in the last plaice he looked.

plaice

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Bill: “I think my decision to become a vegetarian

was definitely a missed steak.”

Ted: “I couldn’t agree more.

Perhaps we’ll meat again some day.”

the_vegetarian_butcher

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You know, when you think about it,

velcro is a rip off.

TeflonVelcro

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Did you hear about the new porn search engine?

It’s called “go ogle”.

googling_cartoon

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I had my paper ripped up in front of me

and was thrown out of my Xerox Engineers’ exam today.

One of the invigilators caught me not copying.

xerox-cards

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I’ve broken a few hearts in my day,

which turned out to be a good thing.

It made me realize that being a

cardiologist just wasn’t my thing.

broken-heart-icon

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Psychologists say that the left half of the brain

is responsible for kleptomania and numeracy.

So it really is the taking part that counts

cartoon-brain-1

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A gold nugget walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “A U get the hell outta here”

gold-nugget-smiling

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Did you hear about the contortionist

who got arrested for indecent exposure.

He’s worried he’ll have it hanging over

his head for the rest of his life.

contortionist

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There was a knock on my door and when

I opened it a pollster was outside.

She said, “Do you like tents?”

“No,” I replied. “Why?”

“Well,” she said. “We’re canvassing the whole area.”

polling-cartoon

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I’ve just seen some new door bells in the

January sales at prices you just can’t knock.

doorbell

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My friend was telling me that this Christmas just passed,

his girlfriend got naked, covered herself in wrapping paper,

and waited for him on his bed.

What a great way to present yourself.

Woman wrapping paper

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My wife said I needed to bond with my son.

So I had him make me a martini, shaken, not stirred.

bond-martini_header

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One of our friends has been dressing up as ‘Wolverine’

every day for the last week and we’re getting a bit worried about him.

I asked him if he thought he really was ‘Wolverine’.

“Nah.” he said. “It’s just a huge act, man”.

wolverine

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Raw toast is an ideal bread substitute.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Word play day, or more puns if you like that description better.

Endure or enjoy, preferably the latter!

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rofl

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“Let’s order some Chinese.”

“To do what?”

Chinese army

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I remember in 1995 when I went to an Oasis gig with my sister and my brother.

When the band came on stage I shouted, “Go Oasis.”

I never saw my sister after that.

Oasis-gig-at-Heaton-Park

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If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

pig-clip-art-2

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I went into the hardware store and said,

“These shelves you sold me are useless. I couldn’t even…”

The cashier said, “Put ’em up?”

I said, “Okay, you wanna fight about it? Come on then!”

fight

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I was taking some notes the other day,

when I was arrested and escorted from the bank.

bank_robbery

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I’ve just started a new job at the local slaughterhouse, stunning cows.

…And some of the sheep are pretty good looking too.

cartoon-cow_art

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Did you hear about the neo Nazi builder?

He liked to drill with the bosch.

bosch drill

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As I stood on the tube this morning I thought to myself,

“My pringles are getting crushed”

pringles

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My Pokemon card collection was destroyed in a fire.

I’ve only got Ash now.

Ash

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I was perfectly happy in Mississippi,

Then Mr Sippi came back early from his business trip.

young-man-running-away

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I love watching videos of lakes and rivers on the internet.

I’m viewing a live stream right now.

mossy_stream

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My friend said he met a prostitute who connected a battery charger to his bits.

I said, “Woweee, how much did she charge you?”

Electric Shoc

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Two pencils decided to have a race.

They drew.

cartoon-pencils-friends

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My friend said he’s going to set a new standard in pubs

by opening one on the top of a mountain.

Personally, I think he’s raised the bar too high.

man on top of mountain

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Tattoos are great for preserving memories,

otherwise I would have totally forgotten about those anchors.

popeye-sailor anchor tattoos

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Did They Really Mean To Say That? – Newspaper Headline Nightmares, Part Eleven!!!!!!!!!!!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Another mid week batch of newspaper headline nightmares.

I hope you find at least one or two to raise a smile.

Enjoy.

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np_handjobs

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np_hansolo

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np_happy-hookers

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np_help-rape-victims

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np_holes

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np_holymilk

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np_homeless

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np_homelesssurvivewinter

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np_joint

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np_lackfunds

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np_ladyjacks

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np_girlsschool

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np_giantrats

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np_greattits

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Did You Know? Another Twenty Fascinating Facts.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Another round of twenty fascinating facts for you to survey.

Random as ever there is sure to be something in here that you didn’t know.

Enjoy.

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did you know3

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Duct tape was developed in 1942 for use by the U.S. Army

as a waterproof sealing tape for ammunition boxes.

Duct tape

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There is a Librarian of Congress.

librarian_of_congress_billington

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Because they were unable to prevent the use of the word “spam”

to represent unwanted email messages,

the Hormel company now uses all-capital letters

in referencing its canned pork product.

SPAM

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The phrase “goody two shoes” comes from a fable

written in 1766 by Oliver Goldsmith

about a poor little girl who could only afford one shoe.

goody two shoes

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Aardvark is Afrikaans for earth pig

Aardvark

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Wrigley’s gum was the first product with

a bar code to be scanned at a supermarket.

gum barcode

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Michael Jackson attempted to buy Marvel Comics in the 1990s

because he wanted to play Spiderman.

Michael Jackson Spiderman

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M&M’s stands for Mars and Murrie’s

the last names of the candy’s founders.

M&M_mascots

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Hitler and Napoleon had only one testicle

(each, of course, that is!)

napoleon and hitler

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The speed of sound must be exceeded

to produce a sonic boom.

sonic boom

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41% of women apply body or hand moisturizer

a minimum three times a day

skin-moisturizers-1

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One gallon of used motor oil can ruin approximately

one million gallons of fresh water.

water

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The American Automobile association was formed in 1905

for the sole purpose of warning motorists of police speed traps.

American Automobile Association logo

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One Neptune year lasts 165 Earth years.

neptune

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Former U.S. President Franklin Pierce was arrested

during his term as President

for running over an old lady with his horse,

but the charges were later dropped.

Franklin Pierce

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NASDAQ stand for,

“National Association of Securities Dealers Automated Quotations.”

NASDAQ

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The revolving door was invented in 1888,

by Theophilus Van Kannel.

Revolving_Door

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The Golden Gate Bridge was first opened in 1937.

golden-gate-bridge-at-night2

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The first email was sent out by Ray Tomlinson in 1971

ray-tomlinson-first-email

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The song “Strawberry Fields Forever” sung by the Beatles

refers to an orphanage located in Liverpool.

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Those Who Throw Dirt Are Sure To Lose Ground.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Pun day again.

How did you get the week in without them?

It’s not easy, but you’ve made it and well done.

Here is the latest batch of the word play specials.

As always, enjoy!

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When the human cannonball retired they couldn’t

find a replacement of the right caliber.

human-cannonball

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Wow my breakfast seems to have had a

really positive psychological effect on me!

Maybe it was that Freud egg I had for breakfast…..

I feel so Jung at heart?

Freud Egg

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He tried to find a bunch of bananas at the supermarket,

but it turned out to be a fruitless search.

bunch-bananas

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Could you call a chicken led rebellion a coop d’etat?

Call that a yolk?

coop d'etat

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Did you hear about the frog who parked at fire hydrant

– the cops came along and toad him away…

frog toad

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Did you hear about the Dentist and Manicurist who got married?

They fought tooth and nail!!

fighting tooth and nail

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It wasn’t that he had anything against French football,

he just didn’t like Toulouse

TOULOUSE_mascot

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Teaching your kids in the heat of the moment

is bad heir-conditioning.

heir conditioning

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There has to be a repair shop

for baroque musical instruments.

Baschenis_Evaristo-Self-Portrait_with_Musical_Instruments

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“You can whip our cream

but you can’t beat our milk,”

said the farmer.

milk

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This is just bang out of order!

bang out of order

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Somebody called me ‘pretentious’ the other day.

Well, I nearly choked on my tall soy carmel machiato latte

with no foam and extra extra (sweet and low)..

pretentious

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The wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

Boy! Did she hit the roof.

trampoline

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I phoned my work this morning and said,

“Sorry boss, I can’t come in today, I have a wee cough.”

He said,

“You have a wee cough?”

I said,

“Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!”

have a wee cough

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I got arrested for shoplifting in the supermarket today.

I paid for six cans of Sprite at the checkout,

but when security checked my bag

he discovered I’d picked seven up.

7up can

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I just got ripped off by a Chinese guy.

This pan he sold me doesn’t fly at all.

FLYING PAN

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We had another row last night,

the underlying message being that my

“sense of direction was causing huge problems in the relationship”.

Eventually, tired and frustrated, I stood up,

packed my things and right.

bad sense of direction

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I’m nervous and excited about the new

job I start at a restaurant tomorrow.

I just can’t wait.

bad waiter

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Did you here about the Taxidermist who was mugged?

He fought off his attacker with his bear hands.

bear

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I saw a guy stacking shelves at the supermarket

complaining because the top shelf was broken,

and he couldn’t keep it up.

I think he had a wrecked aisle dysfunction.

surpermarket aisle

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Help A Victimized Child And Stop The Idiots In Florida!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes folks, sadly, the idiots have invaded the state organizations in Florida too.

And they are doing what they do best  –  inflicting needless misery on ordinary decent people.

This time the victim is a teenage girl, Kiera Wilmot, who has been expelled from her school and was arrested and charged with causing a totally harmless “explosion” by mixing household products in a plastic bottle.

The incident happened when she and another pupil of the school, mixed up some common household products in a plastic bottle – having heard that something amusing might result.

They did it outdoors on school premises. The resulting “blast” was not even sufficient to rupture the plastic bottle, merely popping off the top and generating some smoke.

Unfortunately for the luckless teenager, however, an idiot was at hand in the form of an assistant principal. He called the police and idiot number two, the responding officer, phoned idiot number three, a state prosecutor (named in the police report as Assistant State Attorney Tammy Glotfelty).

Isn’t it strange they way they all know each other – there must be a Secret Idiot Network, a bit like the Masons, that you are asked to join when you are deemed to be stupid enough!

Idiot three, the Assistant State Attorney, also known as a “R-Q’er” or “Regulation Quoter”, advised that Kiera be charged with “possessing or discharging weapons or firearms at a school sponsored event or on school property” and “making, possessing, throwing, projecting, placing or discharging any destructive device”.

As a result, local education officials (idiots 4 thru whatever), decided that Kiera had to be expelled from school.

Now the poor girl will have to try to complete her education in an “expulsion program”, and faces the future stigma of a serious criminal conviction.

In case you are wondering, Kiera’s killer cocktail consisted of nothing more than toilet cleaner and aluminum foil, so if you have either or both of these in your home  –  and I bet you do  –  then I guess if the wrong idiot came along he could charge you with having bomb-making materials! Never mind, they say the weather is nice and warm at Guantanimo.

Prior to her career as a bomb-maker, Kiera had never been in trouble. Even her school principle, Ron Pritchard, told WTSP News, “She is a good kid. She has never been in trouble before. Ever.”

Ron, in my opinion, you would be a lot better off getting rid of that idiot assistant of yours who started all this nonsense, rather than a good student.

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If, having read this, you feel the urge to help Kiera, there is an online petition addressed to several relevant local officials that says:

Please, do the right thing. Drop these charges and apologize for the incredible turmoil you have created.

To go to the petition please click here

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Remember, as I say at the start of every post, we have to “Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”. Otherwise one day they might be coming for YOU!

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