Whiteboards Are Remarkable!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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What was that? Whiteboards are remarkable?

Yes, another pun day awaits below.

Enjoy!

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My New Zealand girlfriend said that

she was falling in love with my rubbish puns,

so I asked her to maori me.

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My boss said I couldn’t park my monster truck in the work car park.

So I went over her head.

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When my grandfather passed away,

I had his ashes kept in an old bottle of vodka.

I know he’s not here right now,

but he’s with me in spirit.

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Feminism is sooooo cute.

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My wife also left me because of my constant animal puns.

She just couldn’t Bear it…

So she Swanned off…

And took the Kids…

Well at least I no longer have to listen to her bleating on…

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I rang the local ramblers club yesterday.

The bloke at the other end went on and on and on.

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Some say a world without sin is ideal,

but there are only so many problems which can be answered

with cos and tan.

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The worst pub I’ve ever been to was called The Fiddle.

It really was a vile inn.

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If you’re always organizing things, you have OCD.

If you’re always eating things, you have OBCD.

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This girl came up to me today and

said she recognized me from vegetarian club.

I was confused, I’d never met herbivore.

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How did I get out of Iraq?

Iran.

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I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length.

Must be some kind of milestone.    

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I’m not a competitive person…

I’ll be the first to admit it.    

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Me and my friend have just been fighting

over which is the best vowel.

I won.      

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Iron man.

What a Fe male.

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Today, I walked into a restaurant.

“Hi, is my table ready?”

“No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?”

“No, that’s okay.”

“Great, take these to table six then.”

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What should you say when you see one of the toddlers

on the Intensive Care Unit is playing with a toy donkey?

ICU baby, shaking that ass.

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Then There Was The Dyslexic Man Who Walked Into A Bra….

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Another short selection of punny jokes today.

Strong language warning on one of them for those likely to be offended by such things.

Enjoy! 

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What banned weapon can you use to kill slugs?

A salt rifle.

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If you owned a secret, underground fajita shop, would you keep it under wraps?

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I dated a girl from the Phillippines, she was a contortionist.

I called her my ‘Manila folder’

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I couldn’t understand why my mobile’s battery always seems to be flat.

Then I realized had it been any other shape, it wouldn’t fit in my phone.

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I knew a man who killed himself with a cyanide capsule.

That was a bitter pill to swallow.

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Some people think animal puns are not funny in any neigh, sheep or farm.

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I hate puns about perforated things – they’re tearable.

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You would think that these herbs & spices puns would have died out by now.

But no, they just keep on Cumin.

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Paddy goes into a hardware store & asks to buy a sink.

“Would you like one with a plug?” says the assistant.

Paddy replies, “Don’t tell me they’ve gone electric!”

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Woman goes into a butcher’s…

“I’d like an oxtail please”.

“Certainly”, replies the butcher,

“Once upon a time there was an ox…”

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One day I phoned with the spiritual leader of Tibet.

He sent me a large goat with a long neck.

Turns out I phoned Dial- a- llama.

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Coffee isn’t my cup of tea.

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I took my wife to the doctor yesterday, he examined her and said, “I’ll be perfectly honest… I don’t like the look of her.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean,” I said, “but she’s a good cook and the kids think the world of her!”

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I bought a Valentine’s Day card for everyone at our local Tourette’s Society.

It’s the thought that cunts.

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“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’’

“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”

“Is it common?”

“Well, it’s not unusual.”

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