I’d Say 6:30 Is The Best Clock Time, Hands Down.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

And the best time for puns is today!

By the way, no liability accepted, so try not to hurt yourselves laughing.

Enjoy or endure!

.

rofl

.

I threw out my vacuum cleaner last week.

It was just gathering dust.

vacuum cleaner

.

.

I work for the hospital dealing with

moving patients between different areas.

It’s a rewarding job.

moving patients

.

.

I’ve had to break up with my imaginary girlfriend.

I’ve started seeing someone else.

my imaginary girlfriend

.

.

My wife always cooks our Christmas Ham in a bottle of wine.

I have no idea how she gets it in there, but it tastes brilliant.

Christmas Ham

.

.

What’s the difference between ‘Approximately’ and ‘Roughly’?

Men are never accused of treating women approximately.

Approximately Roughly

.

.

After battling for years to overcome

my addiction to alcohol gel,

I’m finally clean.

alcohol gel

.

.

Grandad was talking about getting

a hip replacement for my Grandma.

“Someone younger and trendier,” he said,

“Like Megan Fox or Mila Kunis.”

Megan Fox

.

.

I wasn’t always into peer pressure……

My friends got me into it.

peer pressure

.

.

Ever since I took the rear view mirror out of the car

…..I’ve never looked back

the rear view mirror

.

.

I sat down on the settee today to relax and watch a bit of football,

but the picture on the telly was so terrible I couldn’t bear it.

I hate wedding photos.

wedding photos

.

.

I typed an essay in Word about a concerned Bugs Bunny.

I then saved it as ‘Whats Up.doc’

whats-up-doc

.

.

If you like wordplay jokes about pissing

then urine for a treat.

jokes about pissing

.

.

I’ve been offered a job by the government’s Department of New Words.

It’s a fantastic opporchancity.

opporchancity

.

.

I’ve just opened a casino for dogs.

They can play roulette, poker, blackjack

and a host of other games all under one roof.

They have to go outside for craps though.

dogs_poker

.

.

Finally for this week,

and with a certain blog friend in mind,

what did the three campanologists who

fell off a bridge in Paris, France start playing?

“I’m ringing in the Seine, just ringing in the Seine…”

.

.

=========================================

.

You Know What They Used To Say In The Middle Ages, “Resistance Is Feudal”

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Happily we don’t live in the middle ages, so now resistance is futile.

If you haven’t guessed already….

It’s pun day!

Enjoy.

.

rofl

.

I’m in a band called Atom

We’ll never split.

Stylised_Lithium_Atom

.

I’ve been drawing bar graphs, pie charts

and venn diagrams all over walls in town.

I’m a graphitti artist.

bar graphs, pie charts and venn diagrams

.

. 

We were going for a picnic today and my husband

asked me to get some ice and a cooler bag.

I thought, “That’s a bit harsh,

there’s nothing wrong with my current bag”.

cooler_bag_full

.

Can someone give me a definition of homosexuality,

in lay-men’s terms?

gay_closet

.

On the investment front I’m worried that my shares in a

major cordial company are going to be diluted.

raspberry-cordial

.

Don’t trust people who avoid the sun.

They’re shady.

shady people

.

Signing up to a mailing list has done nothing to

quell my addiction for German poetry.

I’m getting verse by the day.

German poetry

.

According to a survey,

seven out of ten people use the double negative.

I ain’t never heard such nonsense in my life.

do not put nothing here

.

The horse came galloping towards me,

the sun glistening off the rider’s armour, helmet and lance,

which I realised was aimed at my head.

Man, those knight-vision goggles are really awesome!

knight

.

Running a bingo hall is more than just a job.

It’s a calling.

bingo-hall

.

Whilst on holiday near lake Geneva

I purchased a large bottle of mineral water

I struggled to carry it though,

it was an evian.

evian bottle

.

There are two i’s in narcissist

and they absolutely hate each other.

narcissism-and-preaching

.

After a terrible Chinese meal last night, I refused to pay.

Unfortunately the chef heard what I said and pinned me up against the wall,

threatening me with a pan unless I paid up.

Talk about being stuck between a wok and a hard place.

AntCreationsChineseChef

.

I saw a man with a bald patch earlier.

I thought, “He’s obviously trying to cut down, or quit being bald”.

bald-spot

.

It appears that smoking heroin is

far better for addicts than injecting it,

needleless to say.

druggie cartoon

.

A girl from Prague stopped me in town earlier and

asked where the best shop for clothes was.

I said “Check Republic.”

republic store

.

What do you call a brittle Scotsman?

A Glasswegian.

Scotsman

.

I hate it when people make jokes about Vietnam.

It Hanoi’s me.

Vietnam Map

.

. 

Jay-Z? A psychiatrist?

Must be Shrink Rap.

jay-z

.

We spent a fortune on electrocution lessons for our son.

Until he learned to speak properly.

.

.

====================================

.