May Day, May Day? Nope, Just Pun Day!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Mayday? No emergency here, unless you are allergic to bad jokes.

Coz it’s Pun Day again!

Enjoy or endure.

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I’m in dispute with my TV program supplier

as they’re trying to charge me for my satellite dish.

I’m sure they told me it would be on the house.  

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My favourite pick up line…

‘Pick that up’        

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Breaking News:

“UN-Staffed office bombed”

Phew, just as well there was no-one there then.      

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Today, I saw a sign at a picture framing shop that said,

“Shoot the family, hang the kids, frame the wife.”

Don’t photographers have a dark sense of humour?

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My New Year’s resolution is to save

enough money to buy a Velcro wall.

And I plan on sticking to it. 

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God is talking to one of his angels. He says,

“Boy, I just created a 24-hour period of

alternating light and darkness on Earth.”

“What are you going to do now?” asks the angel.

“Call it a day,” says God.

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I came downstairs this morning

to see that my curtains were drawn.

All the furniture was real though.

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I saw a woman stood in her flooded front room crying.

I thought, “If anything, you’re just making it worse.” 

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Do you know what really makes me smile?

Facial muscles.

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I hired a private detective to investigate the sudden

death of my Grandad, while in intensive care.

He followed a few leads.

Faulty plug on the life support machine, apparently.

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My son was up all night answering questions about resistors.

His Physics teacher always sets too much Ohm work.

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Towards the end of the Jurassic period,

the Thesaurus was the first dinosaur to become

extinct, obsolete, belated, vanished and wiped out.

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Body-snatching.

It’s not the winning,

it’s the taking parts that counts.

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This makes no sense – yesterday my calculator

was working fine, today it isn’t working at all.

It just doesn’t add up.

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When I was a boy, my friends said

quoting songs would get me nowhere.

Well, Against All Odds, Take A Look At Me Now.

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PUN: A Play On Words….

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I looked in the dictionary for today’s post.

It said, PUN: a play on words; the humorous use of a word or phrase so as to emphasize or suggest its different meanings or applications; the use of words that are alike or nearly alike in sound but different in meaning.

And, do you know, it was right.

Enjoy!

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I’ve never been to our basement.

I think it’s is beneath me

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Did you hear about the scarecrow that won an award?

He was outstanding in his field.

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First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.

Funny sense of humor my plumber has.

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When I was younger my Grandma used to rub lard into my Grandpa’s back when he was ill.

He went down hill fast after that.

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I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue.

I couldn’t put it down.

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I went in to a pet shop.

I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?”

The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”

I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”

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Just seen a sign outside the hardware store:

“Stainless Steel Sinks”.

Bit obvious, I thought.

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I went to the Video Shop the other day.

I said, “Can I take out Batman Forever?”

They said, “No, you have to bring it back tomorrow.”

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God is talking to one of his angels.

He says, “Boy, I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth.”

“What are you going to do now?” asks the angel.

“Call it a day,” says God.

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A Freudian slip is one where you say one thing but mean a mother.

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I recently took up meditation.

It beats sitting around doing nothing.

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I was chopping up carrots with the Grim Reaper yesterday…

….You could say I was dicing with death.

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I went to the doctors.

He said, “You’ve got hypochondria.”

I said, “Oh no, not that as well.”

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My dog is a blacksmith.

Every time I open the front door he makes a bolt for it.

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I don’t understand how people call me homophobic.

I love my house.

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Did you hear about the guy that trashed a Chinese restaurant?

He’s being charged with Wonton Destruction.

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