It’s An Ill Wind….

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

The original title of this post was “Farting On Airplanes” because it is really about farting on airplanes, but I thought it might be better just to call it “It’s An Ill Wind”.

No, come on, now you know don’t turn your noses up, or pretend this is something that (a) you’ve never thought about, or (b) never done. Farting on airplanes is an international phenomenon that transcends all nationalities, religions, ages, creeds, classes and colors.

It is in fact the common bond of all the world’s travelers.

Whether it can ever bring us closer together, however, is another thing (Phew!)

longer larger fart plane

.

This is a quite embarrassing story. Not something one would normally admit to, but people write unusual things on blogs.

It concerns one of the first long haul flights that I was ever on.

Nowadays, as a seasoned flyer, I always have a good meal before the flight. I don’t suffer from air sickness of any kind and I don’t care for the stuff they call airline food. Back then, however, I was a novice and ended up on board without any breakfast other than a cup of coffee. My stomach was empty – of food anyhow.

All was well for about twenty or thirty minutes and then it started.

The obvious solution would have been to get up and go to the toilet. But easy options aren’t the way I have gone through life so far.

Also it was a big plane, a 747, and the toilets were quite a bit away from my seat. I would face a long walk down the narrow aisle.

Not that the walk itself was the problem. It was just that whoever designs airline seats has arranged things so that the nose and ears of the person sitting down is just about at the same height as the bottom of the person walking casually past.

You see the predicament?

In any case, I found myself in a window seat with two other seats to negotiate before I got to the aisle. Such was the pressure building up that I feared the exertion of hopping over the additional seats would make the whole purpose of the journey somewhat redundant.

There was nothing for it but to stay where I was, with the unfortunate choice being either bursting or releasing some of the pressure. Not unnaturally I chose to do the latter option.

As these things go it was a substantial outcome. But the drone of the plane engines (they were a lot louder in those days, I think, I hope, weren’t they?) seemed to drown out any other background noises.

I didn’t hear a thing.

I double checked by having a quick look at the person unfortunate enough to be sitting beside me, but there was no sign in the expression on his face that anything untoward had happened. Either that or he was a professional poker player with a practiced deadpan expression – or in a state of semi consciousness as a result of the concussive force emanating from the seat beside him.

My confidence grew. I thought of the famous campfire scene from Blazing Saddles and let a few more go in tribute.

Farting Mid Flight

.

I was so happy at the relief and at the fact that all was undetected that I allowed myself a triumphant smile, and then even a laugh. The movie I was watching was a comedy so my laughter didn’t look out of place either.

It was all good.

Hang on a minute.

All was not as good as it seemed.

Cut the laughter and cue serious worried face.

I suddenly realized that all this time I had been wearing the headphones the flight attendant had given us for the movies they were showing. No wonder I had heard nothing!

Oh dear me! What had I done?

Well, I knew what I had done, of course. The big question now was, did anyone else know? Had they heard me doing it?

I looked again at the man in the seat beside me. Again no perceivable reaction on his face that indicated that anything out of the ordinary had happened, although now I was aware of them I saw that he too was wearing the headphones.   

I was relieved a bit, but still very curious. And when I get curious about something I have to try to find an answer.

So there was nothing for it but let rip again, this time with my headphones off.

And that’s what I did.

Thankfully, in the interests of the scientific experiment now under way, the quality of the offending item had not diminished in force. A guy knows about these things even without any audio feedback.

To my great relief, in every meaning of the word, I still didn’t hear a thing. The drone of the airplane engines had indeed drowned out any other sounds.

It was a magnificently liberating experience and from that day on I have never looked back, as it were.

Further experimentation revealed that the same undetectable result could be achieved even on much smaller airplanes. Commercial jets I’m talking about, of course, this is not a sport to indulge in on a single engined Cesna or something like that.

I also found out that it is possible I have been saving the airlines lucky enough to win my custom a small fortune. As you know the air in airplanes these days is all re-circulated and, as the methane content of a fart is lighter than air, the captured gas therefore contributes to keeping the airplane airborne with a consequent saving on fuel. That’s my story anyhow.

farting in airplanes

.

And the good news just keeps on coming.

Independent research confirms that a person’s sense of smell is greatly suppressed in the reduced cabin air pressure, which incidentally is also why airplane food tastes so bad. 

So now if you are on an airplane and sitting beside someone who is chuckling to himself – or herself, yes ladies your secret is out – you’ll know the real reason why!

One day it might even be me!!!

.

.

===================================

.

Time For Another Fun Filled Facts Day

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Yes it’s time for another day filled with those fun facts that we all like to read.

And they’ll come in handy when you least expect it, as one or two people have already found out.

So learn and enjoy!

.

.

In the 1800s feeding lobster to prisoners

was considered to be ‘a cruel and unusual punishment,

like making people eat rats’.

lobster-thermidor

.

Mosquitos are more attracted to the color blue than any other color.

mosquito-hunter

.

The Guinness Book of Records holds the record

for being the book most often stolen from Libraries.

guinness-world-records-2013-book_0

.

In Albania,

nodding your head means ‘no’

and shaking your head means ‘yes’.

opposite-day

.

You share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world.

How unique is that?

birthday

.

In India, Pajamas are accepted as standard daytime wearing apparel.

kurta-pajama

.

A female oyster produces 100 million young in her lifetime;

the typical hen lays 19 dozen eggs a year;

rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants;

and it is possible for one female cat to be responsible for the birth of 20,736 kittens in four years.

kittens

.

The greatest officially recorded number of children born to one mother is 69,

to the wife of Feodor Vassilyev (b. 1707–c.1782), a peasant from Shuya, Russia.

In 27 confinements she gave birth to 16 pairs of twins, seven sets of triplets and four sets of quadruplets.

Only two of the children failed to survive their infancy.

69-children-born-to-one-woman

.

750ml of blood pumps through your brain every minute

which is 15-20% of blood flow from the heart.

brain

.

. 

The February of 1865 and 1999 are the only months

in recorded history not to have a full moon.

moon

.

It has been estimated that at any one time

around 0.7% of the world’s population is drunk.

Cheers!

Cartoon_Drunk

.

The name Jeep comes from “GP”,

the army abbreviation for General Purpose.

jeep

.

. 

Baby Ruth candy bar was named after Grover Cleveland’s daughter, Ruth,

not the baseball player.

baby-ruth-logo

.

Elwood Edwards did the voice for the AOL sound files

(i.e. “You’ve got Mail!”).

Elwood Edwards

.

55.1% of all US prisoners are in prison for drug offenses.

prisoners

.

Sherlock Holmes NEVER said ‘Elementary, my dear Watson!’

Holmes does use the word ‘elementary’ in The Crooked Man (1894)

but ‘Elementary, my dear Watson’ itself was coined 21 years later

by P.G. Wodehouse in his novel Psmith, Journalist (1915).

However, Holmes did ejaculate several times, as did Watson and others.

In fact, there are 23 ejaculations in total, with 11 belonging to Watson and 6 to Holmes.

On one occasion, Holmes refers to Watson’s ‘ejaculations of wonder’ being invaluable;

on another, Watson ejaculates ‘from his very heart’ in the direction of his fiancée.

A chap called Phelps ejaculated three times during the story of The Naval Treaty.

The only other ejaculator is Mrs St Clair’s husband,

who ejaculates at her from a second-floor window!

Paget_holmes

It is not clear whether it is Holmes or Watson who ejaculates in the passage below,

taken from “The Man with the Twisted Lip”, 1891:

“So he sat as I dropped off to sleep, and so he sat when a sudden ejaculation caused me to wake up,

and I found the summer sun shining into the apartment. The pipe was still between his lips,

the smoke still curled upward, and the room was full of a dense tobacco haze,

but nothing remained of the heap of shag which I had seen upon the previous night.”

Isn’t the English Language wonderful.

==========================

.

Some say puns are the lowest form of Hugh Moore…….whoever he is???

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Yes, pun day again! The jokes you love to pretend to hate.

They are a bit like quicksand, the more you struggle the harder it is to get away from them.

Take my advice and just sit back and enjoy.

.                                                

.

Ever since my mate directed his first movie, he’s been a nightmare at parties.

He’s always creating a scene.

director

.

.

I retired yesterday after working for 30 years on a conveyor belt.

It was a very moving experience.

conveyor belt

.

.

My parents are forcing me to wear a turban because of my religion.

It makes me sikh.

turban

.

.

My wife cost me a fortune when I took her out for a meal yesterday.

Take my advice. Never put A la carte before the horse.

a la carte

.

.

I bought some cheap glasses.

They’re fiver optics.

glasses

.

.

I can’t think of any boat puns.

Canoe?

canoe

.

.

What’s the difference between Oxfam and Islam?

Oxfam is a non profit organisation.

non profit

.

.

If ignorance is bliss,

why are McDonald’s staff never happy?

mcdonalds cartoon

.

.

A friend of mine dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water

….I think he meant well.

digging

.

.

I don’t approve of political jokes.

I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

political jokes

.

.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

cartoon marriage

.

.

In case you’re wondering, I don’t suffer from insanity;

I enjoy every minute of it.

informed-sanity

.

==============================

.

Another Bunch Of Interesting Things You Probably Never Thought About – Until Now!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”.

 .

As the title says, another  list of interesting bits and pieces that you may not have though about until now.

Feel free to whip them out and impress people if and when the occasion arises.

Enjoy.

.

.

The tip of a bullwhip moves so fast that the sound it makes is actually a tiny sonic boom.

Bullwhip

.

.

Only 1 in 2,000,000,000 people will live to be 116 or old.

old-couple-cartoon

.

.

Dogs and humans are the only species that have prostates.

prostate cartoon

.

.

The zebra is basically a light-colored animal with black stripes.

cartoon_zebra

.

.

Natural pearls melt in Vinegar.

Pearl1

.

.

The greatest weight lifted with a human tongue is 12.5 kg (27 lb 8.96 oz)

by Thomas Blackthorne (UK)

who lifted the weight hooked through his tongue

on the set of El Show Olímpico, in Mexico City, Mexico, on 1 August 2008.

Thomas Blackthorne

.

.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

personal ad cartoon

.

.

Americans are responsible for about 1/5 of the world’s garbage annually

(and 2/3 of it is from Washington).

garbage

.

.

The dot over the letter “i” is called a tittle.

letter-i

.

.

There are 318,979,564,000 possible combinations of the first four moves in Chess.

chessboard setup

.

.

The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the USA”.

Born In The USA

.

.

IBM’s motto is “Think”.

Apple later made their motto “Think different”.

ibm-vs-apple

.

.

The Michelin man is known as Mr. Bib.

His name was Bibendum in the company’s first ads in 1896.

michelin_man

.

.

There are more types of insects in one tropical rain forest tree

than there are in the entire state of Vermont.

insects

.

.

An ostrich’s eye might not be bigger than its belly,

but it is bigger than its brain.

cartoon-ostrich-7

.

.

Earth is the only planet in our solar system not named after a god;

it was named by God.

Genesis 1 King James Version (KJV)

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.

earth

.

=================================

.

What A Way To Start The Week – A Test!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

What better way to start the week than with a surprise test?

Some of these are easy and some of them difficult. But as usual all that depends on whether or not you know the answers.

You can check how you did by looking at the answers waaaaaaay down below as usual, BUT no cheating!

Here we go…

.

Quiz 5

.

Q 1:  Who was the first American astronaut in space?

.

.

Q 2:  What is the only living tissue in the human body that does not contain any blood vessels?

.

.

Q 3:  What was the first U.S. city to host the summer Olympics in 1904?

.

.

Q 4:  The sport of surfing originated in which US State?

.

.

Q 5:  Who led the famous revolt of the Roman slaves and gladiators in 73 B.C

.

.

Q 6:  Where is the “Fat Tuesday” fesival celebrated every year?

.

.

Q 7:  In 1867 the U.S. paid Russia $7.2 million. What for?

.

.

Q 8:  Who was the only unmarried president of the United States?

.

.

Q 9:  What was the first US State to give women the right to vote?

.

.

Q 10:  What was the first British ship to use the SOS distress signal?

.

.

Q 11:  In a pack of playing cards which is the only king without a mustache?

.

.

Q 12:  The last land battle of the U.S. Civil War was fought in which US State?

.

.

Q 13:  What is the national sport of Japan?

.

.

Q 14:  What country is made up of 13,667 islands?

.

.

Q 15:  One of the famous Disney Theme Parks is called EPCOT. But what do the letters E-P-C-O-T stand for?

.

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

ANSWERS

.

Q 1:  Who was the first American astronaut in space?

A 1:  Alan B. Shepard Jr

.

.

Q 2:  What is the only living tissue in the human body that does not contain any blood vessels?

A 2:  The cornea

.

.

Q 3:  What was the first U.S. city to host the summer Olympics in 1904?

A 3:  St. Louis, Missouri

.

.

Q 4:  The sport of surfing originated in which US State?

A 4:  Hawaii

.

.

Q 5:  Who led the famous revolt of the Roman slaves and gladiators in 73 B.C

A 5:  Spartacus

.

.

Q 6:  Where is the “Fat Tuesday” fesival celebrated every year?

A 6:  New Orleans, Louisiana it is better known as Mardi Gras

.

.

Q 7:  In 1867 the U.S. paid Russia $7.2 million. What for?

A 7:  For Alaska

.

.

Q 8:  Who was the only unmarried president of the United States?

A 8:  James Buchanan

.

.

Q 9:  What was the first US State to give women the right to vote?

A 9:  Wyoming

.

.

Q 10:  What was the first British ship to use the SOS distress signal?

A 10:  The Titanic

.

.

Q 11:  In a pack of playing cards which is the only king without a mustache?

A 11:  The king of hearts

.

.

Q 12:  The last land battle of the U.S. Civil War was fought in which US State?

A 12:  Texas

.

.

Q 13:  What is the national sport of Japan?

A 13:  Sumo wrestling

.

.

Q 14:  What country is made up of 13,667 islands?

A 14:  Indonesia

.

.

Q 15:  One of the famous Disney Theme Parks is called EPCOT. But what do the letters E-P-C-O-T stand for?

A 15:  EPCOT stands for “Experimental Prototype City Of Tomorrow.”

.

========================

.

Friday Wasn’t Quite Black, But It Did Lose A Bit Of Its Shine

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

Gold Eagle Rev

You couldn’t exactly call yesterday “Black Friday” the way financial pundits like to do, but that traditional “safe haven”, gold, certainly lost a lot of its shine.

In fact the price of gold went into freefall, plunging the best part of $100 an ounce in a massive selling spree and ending up below the magic $1500 mark for the first time in a while.

I don’t think anyone is sure yet just what triggered the almost panic sell off on the Comex, but my gut feeling is that, once started, the computer generated trading gizmos used by the big hedge funds etc., kicked in big time and made matters go from bad to worse.

These automatic trading monsters trigger sales when a pre-chosen stop loss figure is reached, one stop loss sell off triggers the next and so on until there is a massive market plunge, as happened yesterday. The same could just as easily happen on the stock market.   

What most ordinary folks don’t realize is that the majority of traders in the financial markets are idiots. They just hang around looking at their screens and then follow whatever they see happening. It’s the herd mentality syndrome. When the big boys start to sell then the little boys follow suit and the whole thing goes from bad to worse, often without anyone really knowing who started it or why it is happening.

That seems to have been the case yesterday as there were no catastrophic economic indicators, like major inflation fears, currency collapses, etc., to trigger a significant movement one way or the other.

Whatever caused it, it is a warning to investors to be cautious. It could be a blip or the harbinger of turbulent times ahead.

Although there are many doom-and-gloom merchants with their “the end is nigh” web sites urging their followers to dump paper money, fiat currencies they call them, and stock up on gold, the truth is that gold has not been a good investment in recent months and years.

By definition the very worst a good investment should do is hold its value in line with inflation – if it doesn’t you are losing value.

For almost two years now gold has been steadily falling in value. Anyone who bought, for example, in August or September 2011 has seen their investment fall significantly in value – down by more than twenty percent in fact. You put $10,000 in, you get less than $7,900 out, and the dealers take their cut both ways.

So will the bear market for gold continue or was Friday just a glitch? Well, if you could answer that one for certain you would be able to make a lot of money.

My feeling, for what it’s worth is that the price will probably fall further. Maybe not so dramatically as yesterday, but it could easily trickle downwards to the $1200 region.

That assumes no dramatic sell offs by bankrupt governments and banks, because that is definitely a last resort measure that they would be most reluctant to take. If or when it does happen it means BIG financial trouble for everyone.

So will gold ever be a good investment again?

Warren Buffet never thought so, but it could be. Possibly a very good investment. But probably not a long term hold. Many western economies are just hanging together at the moment. The amount of debt and insolvency has to mean that at some stage the normal investment vehicles like currencies, stocks, bonds etc., will start to suffer and people will turn back to “safe havens” like gold.

IF you buy at the right time, and remember that you need to get rid of it and fast when the cycle turns again, you could do very well. But I wouldn’t jump in and buy it just yet.

Take it away Shirley….

.

.

=====================================================

.