Another Edition Of Stupidity Is Legal

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 

They tell me it’s Monday again. Where do the weeks go? Still, there isn’t much we can do about it but start the week with a bit of a laugh.

This is another selection from my “stupidity is legal” file. Some of these are so daft that they are bound to raise a chuckle or two. I hope so anyhow. And I also hope that there are no repeats from other post, although I cannot guarantee that. Even if you have read some of them before they are the kind of thing that can stand a second or third or fourth read without lessening the enjoyment too much.

Here we go.

 

 

Lawyer: Mrs. Smith, you do believe that you are emotionally unstable?

 

Witness: I used to be.

 

Lawyer: How many times have you committed suicide?

 

Witness: Four times.

 

– – – – – – – – – –

 

 

Lawyer: Were you acquainted with the deceased?

 

Witness: Yes, sir.

 

Lawyer: Before or after he died?

 

– – – – – – – – – –

 

 

Lawyer: You say you’re innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal a watch.

 

Witness: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn’t see me steal it.

 

– – – – – – – – – –

 

 

Lawyer: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?

 

Mr. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

 

– – – – – – – – – –

 

 

Lawyer: At the time you first saw Dr. McCarty, had you ever seen him prior to that time?

 

– – – – – – – – – –

 

 

Lawyer: Did the lady standing at the driveway subsequently identify herself to you?

 

Witness: Yes, she did.

 

Lawyer: Who did she say she was?

 

Witness: She said she was the owner of the dog’s wife.

 

– – – – – – – – – –

 

 

Lawyer: Please state the location of your right foot immediately prior to impact.

 

Witness: Immediately before the impact, my right foot was located at the immediate end of my right leg.

 

– – – – – – – – – –

 

 

Lawyer: You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

 

– – – – – – – – – –

 

 

Lawyer: “Sir, what is your IQ?”

 

Witness: “Well, I can see pretty well, I think.”

 

– – – – – – – – – –

 

 

Lawyer: “Now sir, I’m sure you are an intelligent and honest man–”

 

Witness: “Thank you. If I weren’t under oath, I’d return the compliment.”

 

– – – – – – – – – –

 

 

Lawyer: “What is your brother-in-law’s name?”

 

Witness: “Borofkin.”

 

Lawyer: “What’s his first name?”

 

Witness: “I can’t remember.”

 

Lawyer: “He’s been your brother-in-law for years, and you can’t remember his first name?”

 

Witness: “No. I tell you, I’m too excited.” (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) “Nathan, for heaven’s sake, tell them your first name!”

 

– – – – – – – – – –

 

 

Lawyer: “Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?”

 

Witness: “No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.”

 

– – – – – – – – – –

 

 

Lawyer: “What is your marital status?”

 

Witness: “Fair.”

 

– – – – – – – – – –

 

 

Lawyer: “Are you married?”

 

Witness: “No, I’m divorced.”

 

Lawyer: “And what did your husband do before you divorced him?”

 

Witness: “A lot of things I didn’t know about.”

 

– – – – – – – – – –

 

 

The Court: “Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.”

 

– – – – – – – – – –

 

 

Lawyer: “Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?”

 

Witness: “He didn’t offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture.”

 

– – – – – – – – – –

 

 

Lawyer: “So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?”

 

Witness: “I didn’t see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.”

 

Lawyer: “It was covered?”

 

Witness: “Yes, bandaged.”

 

Lawyer: “Then, later on…what did you see?”

 

Witness: “I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.”

 

– – – – – – – – – –

 

 

Lawyer: “The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn’t it? You too were shot in the fracas.”

 

Witness: “No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.”

 

===============

 

A Little More Stupidity Is Legal

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 

Here is another selection of courtroom bloopers. I hope there are no repeats from the last lot, but even if there are you can read most of them again and still laugh. I know I can.

Enjoy!

 

Lawyer: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?

Witness: By death.

Lawyer: And by whose death was it terminated?

– – – – – – – – – –

 

Lawyer: Have you lived in this town all your life?

Witness: Not yet.

– – – – – – – – – –

 

Lawyer: Did you blow your horn or anything?

Witness: After the accident?

Lawyer: Before the accident.

Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

– – – – – – – – – –

 

Lawyer: How many times have you committed suicide?

Witness: (looking confused) Is that a question?

– – – – – – – – – –

 

Lawyer: And where was the location of the accident?

Witness: Approximately milepost 499.

Lawyer: And where is milepost 499?

Witness: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

– – – – – – – – – –

 

Lawyer: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Witness: What do you think counselor.

– – – – – – – – – –

Lawyer: What happened then?

Witness: He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me”

Lawyer: And did he kill you?

Witness: Yes!

– – – – – – – – – –

 

Lawyer: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

– – – – – – – – – –

 

Lawyer: Were you alone or by yourself?

– – – – – – – – – –

 

Lawyer: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

– – – – – – – – – –

 

Lawyer: So you were gone until you returned?

– – – – – – – – – –

 

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, “Your Honor, I’d like to strike the next question.”

– – – – – – – – – –

 

Lawyer: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?

– – – – – – – – – –

 

Lawyer: Could you see him from where you were standing?

Witness: I could see his head.

Lawyer: And where was his head?

Witness: Just above his shoulders.

– – – – – – – – – –

 

Lawyer: … any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?

Witness: The victim lived.

– – – – – – – – – –

 

Lawyer: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?

Witness: No.

Lawyer: What was he doing with the dog’s ears?

Witness: Picking them up in the air.

Lawyer: Where was the dog at this time?

Witness: Attached to the ears.

– – – – – – – – – –

 

Lawyer: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?

Witness: She is my daughter.

Lawyer: Was she your daughter on February 13 1979?

– – – – – – – – – –

 

Lawyer: Did you stay all night with this man in New York?

Witness: I refuse to answer that question.

Lawyer: Did you stay all night with this man in Chicago?

Witness: I refuse to answer that question.

Lawyer: Did you stay all night with this man in Miami?

Witness: No.

 

 

 

Stick It Where The Sun Don’t Shine, Too!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 

So yesterday’s blog post turned out to be about elephant’s bottoms. Who’d have thought? Sometimes these posts are a surprise to me too!

But it seemed to be reasonably popular so as they say, if you’re on a roll….

 

Today we’re in La Grange, Georgia and talking about a guy called Antonio Mendoza, an attorney. I probably shouldn’t have told you that last bit, it might take away some of your sympathy for poor Antonio.

Anyhow, Antonio has a dog. And as dogs have a habit of doing sometimes, it dragged Antonio’s things all over the place. One of the things belonging to Antonio that the dog got hold of was his cel phone which ended up in the shower.

And so did Antonio. One morning he was having a shower but he slipped on a wet tile, tripped on the dog and in his own words “sat down right on the thing”, the thing being his cel phone!

That of itself would probably have been enough to spoil most ordinary people’s day, but Antonio’s phone, like the unfortunate guy’s head yesterday, went right up where the sun don’t shine.

You’d think it couldn’t get much worse than that, but you’d be wrong.

Antonio’s phone was one of those flip phone types and the impact of his fall had managed to flip open the cover up inside his rectum. There was nothing for it but go to the hospital where the delicate extraction took more than three hours.

“He was a real trooper during the entire episode,” said Dr.Dennis Crobe. “Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine in there.”

 

That’s what can happen if you do it by accident.

 

Have a listen to the consequences if you are really, really and I mean REALLY dumb!

Stupidity Is Legal, And That’s Official

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 

You would think that lawyers would be just that little bit smarter than the average Joe. They certainly think they are, and they have received the benefit of a reasonably good and expensive education. But sometimes it is true that you can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear. Sometimes of the people they have to question don’t help matters either.

Here are a few excerpts from actual court transcripts. You may have come across them before in emails, that’s originally how I got most of these. But they are funny and well worth reading again.

I think so anyway.

Enjoy!

 

 

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

 

Trooper

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing

A: Yes.

Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

A: Yes, sir.

Q: What did she say?

A: What disco am I at?

– – – – – – –  – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Doctor (1)

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Doctor (2)

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Really Silly (1)

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Really Silly (2)

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Really Silly (3)

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Date of Birth

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: December twenty fifth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Memory

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you have forgotten?

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Memory take two

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

What’s in a name?

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that Thursday?

A: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Jerry Bartle was arrested and put on trial for robbing a local shop at gunpoint. In his wisdom he decided that he would represent himself in court. He appeared to be doing reasonably well until the shop’s owner took the stand to give his evidence.

She had identified him immediately as the robber, when Bartle jumped up and yelled,

‘You’re lying! I should have blown your head off!’

He paused, then added,

‘If I had been the one that was there.’

The jury found him guilty and Jerry Bartle was sentenced to thirty years imprisonment.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial:

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q: Officer, who provided this description?

A: The officer, who responded to the alarm.
Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A: Yes sir, with my life.
Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer – do you have a
room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A: Yes sir.
Q: And do you have a locker in that room?

A: Yes sir, I do.
Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?

A: Yes sir.
Q: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

A: You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

 

 

Have you had similar experiences? Send them along. Let the world know what is happening before it is too late.