I Made A Chicken Salad Today. It Didn’t Even Eat It.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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There’s no ingratitude like the ingratitude of a chicken when you specially prepare a meal for it.

Still I can always make some soup!

Want some more word play?

Try these.

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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When someone says they are not in denial,

I never know whether to believe them…

 in denial

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What’s another name

for an angry feminist?

A feminist.

 angry feminist cartoon

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My girlfriend said I’m afraid of commitment.

Well…

I wouldn’t really call her my girlfriend.

 Cartoon afraid of commitment

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I haven’t slept for ten days,

because that would be too long.

 mitch-hedberg-comedian-i-havent-slept-for-ten-days-because-that-would-be-too

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Newspaper headline:

Air strike planned

Well I hope it doesn’t last long,

I can’t hold my breath for more than 30 seconds.

 holding breath

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I once went out with a girl called simile,

I don’t know what I metaphor.

 metaphor

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The grenade factory is the one place

where being able to hear a pin drop

is a bad thing

 hand-grenades

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I had a camera but,

whenever I photographed people,

they came out looking bald-headed…

it was then I realized that

I was using Kojak film.

 Kojak

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Are Dementia and Alzheimers

two separate illnesses

or are they one and the same thing?

I can never remember.

 Dementia and Alzheimers cartoon

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A minor background part actor

walks into a massage parlour and

asks if they are willing to provide sexual services.

The lady replies

“Sorry love, we don’t do extras.”

 Extras

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My Grandad’s so old

that he remembers

when X Factor was

just a Roman Sun cream

 X Factor Logo

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My girlfriend told me that

my Tom Petty obsession

is getting out of hand,

but I won’t back down on this one.

No I won’t

Back

Down

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To Cut A Long Story Short Use Fewer Words.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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But make sure a few of those words are puns.

Which is my way of welcoming you to another pun day.

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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A little birdie told me my

golf skills were improving.

 birdie

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Someone asked me how many haircuts I’d had in my life.

I said, “off the top of my head, about 250.”

 haircuts

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I used to file my nails, but I thought:

‘what’s the point in keeping them?’

 file cabinet

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Maths problems, the only place where

someone can buy 60 watermelons

and no one wonders why.

 watermelons

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I’m not going to make jokes from mixed metaphors

– too many other people have milked that bandwagon already.

 mixed metaphors

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I was recently asked if as a young boy,

was my mother very strict with me.

I said, ‘let me get one thing straight,

my mother was never a young boy.’

 mother clipart

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Whilst holidaying in Madrid with the lads,

my friend Dave suffered a heart attack in a bar,

however we were all surprised when he was

skillfully revived by a retired Doctor

who appeared out of nowhere…

… No one expects the Spanish Ex-Physician.

 Spanish Inquisition Monty Python

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Met this girl in a club last night.

I said, “Do you like cocktails?”

She said, “I don’t know, tell me one.”

 cocktails

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I said to my friend, “It’s important that no-one

mentions any film production companies.”

“How important is it?” he asked.

“Paramount,” I replied.

 Paramount_Pictures_print_logo_(1968)

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I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.

I can’t remember his name.

It’s P something T something R.

 crossword compiler

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My agent said I should use a pen name,

so from now on I am calling myself

‘Bic Parker’.

 pen name

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Thanks to Gwen Stefani,

I can now spell Bananas.

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People Who Have Bluetooth Handsets Need A Clip Round The Ear.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I’m tempted to say that you need a clip round the ear if you don’t like puns, but I know you do.

Why else would you be here?

Unless it’s for pun-ishment.

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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Why are photographers always so depressed?

Because they always focus on the negatives.

 photographers

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I bought a flea circus yesterday,

but one of them won’t go on the high wire.

It’s a nervous tick.

 flea circus

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I played in a football match

that ended in a 2-2 draw.

No 1-1

 football match

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I don’t mind doing crosswords,

but dot to dot puzzles are where I draw the line.

 crosswords

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What do you call it when a prisoner

falls from the top of a building?

Condescending.

 prisoner

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I invented the upside down house.

It’s now a top cellar.

 upside down house

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To neigh or not to neigh.

That is equestrian.

 equestrian

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Support your local

search and rescue squad.

Get lost

 search and rescue

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Why did the Mafia boss cross the road?

Revenge!

The road had crossed him the week before.

 Mafia boss

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My uncle slipped on some beans last week.

If only he had the benefit of Heinz sight.

 baked beans

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I took my dog to a car showroom today.

I turned to him and said,

“They have an interesting Range Rover.”

 Range Rover car showroom

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If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end,

someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them,

five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

queue of cars

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Who needs rhetorical questions.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It a bit like asking, who needs Puns when you know everybody does!

And here’s some more.

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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Apparently most people lean slightly

forward when they nod their head.

I must say I’m inclined to agree.

 nodding head yes

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Where do people from Senegal drive?

In Dakar

 Dakar

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Someone just threw a bottle

of Omega 3 pills at me.

Don’t worry, I only suffered

super fish oil injuries.

 Omega 3 pills

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Skydiving without a parachute is

a once in a lifetime experience.

 Skydiving without a parachute

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Past, Present and Future walked into a Bar

It was tense.

 Past, Present and Future

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I work as a waiter.

The pay isn’t great

but I put food on the table.

 waiter

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What do you call someone who points out the obvious?

Someone who points out the obvious.

 someone who points out the obvious

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Passport Inspectors:

You’ve got to hand it to them

 Passport Inspector

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My ex-wife was deaf.

She left me for a deaf friend of hers.

To be honest,

I should have seen the signs.

 deaf

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When I was little I had imaginary friends

and I used to play with them all the time.

They were real people,

I just imagined they were my friends.

 imaginary friends

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Coke dealers.

Always sticking their business

in other people’s noses.

 Coke dealers

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The Beach Boys walk into a bar

“Round?”

“Round?”

“Get a round”

“I get a round?”

“Get a round….”

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Boffin Bollocks!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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mad scientist cartoon

I would love to have been a scientist.

Not a real one, I’m not clever enough or dedicated enough for that. Rather, I would have loved to have been one of those idiots who try to make a name for themselves off pronouncements on things about which they know absolutely nothing.

I saw another one of their headline grabbers (that I like to call “boffin bollocks”) recently. The headline went something like “Shock Warning Aliens Are Coming.” And it wasn’t about more Mexicans making their way north across the US border.

It was from NASA’s Chief Scientist, Ellen Stofan, and claimed that first contact with alien life will happen “very soon” – very soon being not tomorrow, but within the next decade or two.

“We know where to look,” she confirmed.

Yes, “UP” would be my non-scientific guess at the best direction.

“We know how to look,” she added.

Again I am forced to agree. Personally I’d use a telescope, and a great big one, but that’s only me!

astronomer cartoon www.davidreneke.com

Ms Stofan was ably backed up by a colleague, John M. Grunsfeld, who came out with good sound bite words and phrases like “solar system”, “galaxy”, “the icy crusts of Jupiter’s moons Ganymede and Europa” (my favorite I think) and “the internal water within Saturn’s moon Enceladus”.

Mars and the Martians also got mentioned, but only with suggestions that life may have at one time been present on the planet. H. G. and Orson Wells had beaten them to visits by the ‘real’ Martians many, many years ago.

War of the Worlds

More scientists, this time at the Parkes Observatory in Australia, have been carefully studying peryton-a type of radio signals similar to Fast Radio Bursts (FRBs) which are known to come from somewhere else in the galaxy.

For years, they had been puzzled by these brief but intense bursts of radio waves that in some ways appeared to be coming from deep space. There have been dozens of reported perytons, some dating back to the 1990s, and theories about the signals’ origin included ball lightning, aircraft, and components of the telescopes themselves.

Then this year they made a break through. They discovered the source of the rogue signals. They were coming from – no, not somewhere deep in the galaxy – but instead from the microwave oven in the next room.

In what has to be the understatement of the year, Emily Petroff of Australia’s Swinburne University of Technology admitted, “It was quite surprising that it ended up being microwaves.”  I bet it was!

microwave aliens

I must add that I’m a big fan of space exploration, always have been, since I was a kid and was captivated by the television coverage of the Apollo missions. My only regret is that it all takes so very long that I will have gone ‘supernova’ before we see any tangible results of that exploration. There’s never a handy wormhole around when you need one, is there!

I am also a big fan of TV sci-fi series like the Star Treks, the Stargates and so forth, and of movies from ‘War of the Worlds’, thru ‘E.T.’ to ‘Independence Day’ and beyond. But I also have the wit to realize I’m being entertained and these things are not real.

So is there life out there?

I wouldn’t rule the idea out for a second. But what I would rule out is that intelligent life is ever going to be found within our Solar System, maybe not even within our Galaxy. But it could be out there somewhere.

The question we should be asking is, assuming it is benign and not hell bent on conquering all in its path, or maybe viewing us as a culinary delicacy, would that intelligent life really want anything to do with a planet full of people who, for almost their entire existence, seem to want nothing better than to continually wage war on each other?

I think having observed us for a while they would probably pass us by without calling in to say hello.

If I were in their shoes – or space boots – that’s what I would do – and at warp speed too!

alien observers

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Astronomy Is Looking Up.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Astronomy is indeed looking up and so is today now that you’ve realized it’s Pun Day.

Lots more word play below, so…

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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My friends say

I always contradict them,

but I disagree.

 contradiction buttons

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I applied for a loan,

but the bank had zero percent interest.

 zero percent interest

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For every action,

there is a social media over-reaction.

 social media over-reaction

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I went to the museum and saw a Van Gogh painting.

Underneath it said “Loaned anonymously.”

I went to the front desk and said,

“I’d like my Van Gogh back now, please.”

 Van Gogh painting

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Quantum mechanics:

The dreams stuff is made of.

 Quantum mechanics

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I was a whisker away from finding

an entire utensil set yesterday.

 whisker

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Pyongyang

– the only capital city that sounds

like a ricochet sound effect

from an old fashioned Western.

 Pyongyang

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My friend has just had surgery.

‘Surgery’ being the operative word.

 surgery cartoon

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I was playing scrabble with my dad

when he spelled the word “stneve”.

It was an unexpected turn of events.

 scrabble

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Do deaf mathematicians

speak in sine language?

 deaf mathematicians

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They say when a man meets the right woman,

he is complete.

They say when a man meets the wrong woman,

he is finished.

They say when the right woman

meets the wrong woman with the man,

he is completely finished.

 man meets the right woman

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Stupidity is not a handicap.

Park elsewhere.

handicap parking space

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Puns About Monorails Always Make For Decent One-Liners.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It is just as hard to guage the size of a monorail as it is to guage the popularity of puns.

Here is another selection of word plays that may help you make up your mind.

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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According to ‘serving suggestions’

I’m a family of four

 'serving suggestions

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Me and my friend used to spend

all our time together in a tree-house,

but then we fell out.

 tree-house

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I come from a small town

whose population never changes.

Every time a woman falls pregnant,

someone leaves town.

 woman falls pregnant

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A synanym is a word you use

in place of one you can’t spell.

 synanym

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It’s difficult to say something tongue-in-cheek

without people thinking you have a speech impediment.

 obama tongue-in-cheek

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 I had the right to remain silent,

unfortunately I didn’t have the ability.

 right to remain silent

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It’s my first session with the

Impatience Support Group is tonight

…….. I can’t wait.

 Impatience

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I realized I didn’t have many friends

when I tried to text Ben,

scrolled down my contacts list

and accidentally texted William.

 Contact list

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My doctor said to me,

“Do you know your sperm count?”

I said,

“No, I didn’t know they were that clever.”

 paul-noth-you-need-to-get-your-cholesterol-where-your-sperm-count-is-new-yorker-cartoon

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Did you hear about the American

who went on a holiday to India and

didn’t manage to see a single wig wam?

 wig wam

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How does a woman scare a Gynaecologist?

By becoming a Ventriloquist.

 scared Gynaecologist

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Finally, here’s a joke for

all the mind readers out there….

mind reader

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Did you like it?

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