Being Calm Is Not Something I Rate.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”


But of course something I do rate are puns.

Here’s some more.

Enjoy or endure!!!




Polce Toay Announce They Are

Nvestgatng A Strng Of ID Thefts.

ID Thefts



I hate washing up liquid.

Washing up solids is much simpler.

washing up liquid



My girlfriend is leaving me because I’ve got alopecia.

oh well it’s hair loss.




Cryptographers make terrible drummers.

They just sit there, fascinated by all the cymbals.




My new job as a taxidermist is pretty boring.

All I do is sit around and stuff.




My son is cold and calculating

I’ve turned the heating off whilst

he does his maths homework.




Got an insurance quote today for my car.

They offered me a fire-and-theft policy.

I thought, “Who’d nick a car that was on fire?”

"Why's your fire-and-theft policy so cheap?"



“When might we take the kids to Disneyland?”

the wife asked me a few weeks ago.

I thought about it, and replied, “May.”

It’s been a blast watching her pack,

and the kids getting excited.

All I did was correct her grammar.




A man walked over to a kid playing with a

huge lizard and asked if he could see it.

After fiddling around with it for a few moments,

he asked what its name was.

The kid replied with, “Tiny.”

“How on Earth did you ever get a name like that

for such a huge creature?” the man asked in awe.

The kid replied with, “Because he’s my newt!”




My wife is a mute.

She communicates by embroidery.

It’s her own version of sign language,

sew to speak.




I can’t believe they fired me from the clock factory

after all the extra hours I put in.

clock factory



I heard vandals have broken into

an origami exhibition

and ruined all the exhibits.

Police are trying to work out

how it all unfolded.




My gym instructor pointed at fifteen heavy dumbbells

and told me I had to lift them all

over the next quarter of an hour.

Weight a minute…

fifteen heavy dumbbells



What do you call seafood in a cement mixer?

Hardcore prawn.

cement mixer



News just in:

Stevie Nicks has announced her

engagement to William Shatner.

When they get married she will

be known as Stevie Shatner Nicks.





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