Without Me, It’s Just Aweso!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Just playing about with words again.

Yes, it’s another pun day!

Endure or enjoy, whatever is your pleasure.

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I can’t help being lazy.

It walks in the family.

lazy

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To Err is human

To Aarrrgh is Pirate.

penguinpiratearghLOGO

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I spent today trying to force as many

road signs from the ground as I could.

I pulled out all the stops.

stopsigns

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My son’s been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday,

so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!!

Bollocks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper on the web.

spider web

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The Wife bet me fifty bucks that

she could sing more football songs than me.

I beat her.

She had no Chants.

cheerleaders

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Barbie has an awful lot of nice mini skirts

for a girl whose knees don’t bend.

StarTrekKenBarbie

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What did the brown tooth say to the white tooth?

‘Iz it ‘coz I iz plaque?’

brown tooth white tooth

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Windows 8.

Such a pane!

Kipper Williams on Windows 8

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I read in the newspaper:

‘Two people killed in separate chain attacks’

That can’t be true I thought.

They must be linked.

chain

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It said on the News today that

“Cuts will hit the poor hardest”.

Why?

Can’t they even afford bandages?

bandaid

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A friend in the bar said, 

“I’ve just realized, your brothers Richard, Harold

and Charles are all named after kings.”

I said, ” Yeah, so! What’s your point?”

He said, ” Nothing. It’s your round Burger.”

burger_king_short

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The internet has become too politically correct.

What’s all this nonsense about disabled cookies?

In my day they were called broken biscuits.

disabled cookies

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I like to tell women that I’m responsible for

a large team of web designers.

I find it gets a better reception than saying

I live in an apartment that’s infested by spiders.    

cobwebs

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A guy walks into a bar and asks, “How much is your beer?”

The barman says, “$4 for a pint and $10 for a pitcher.”

“Just gimme me a pint then,” says the guy.

“I got enough photos already!”

bernard-schoenbaum-three-men-sit-at-bar-drinking-beer-on-each-man-s-shirt-is-one-letter-b-new-yorker-cartoon

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My friend asked to borrow some money after

losing his job at the local hospital as a Stool Sample analyst.

Of course I couldn’t let him down.

Not after all the shit he’s been through…    

stool sample

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I know this guy who hangs round on the corners of maps.

Legend.

map_legend

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Is your hair dull, lifeless and boring?

Well it’s hair, what else did you expect?

bad hair day

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I’ve spent five frustrating days

repeatedly shouting “Heal!” at my dog.

If it doesn’t work soon,

I might just have to take him to the vet.

mick-stevens-heal-cartoon

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I called the Suicide Help Line once,

saying that I felt like throwing myself in front of a train and needed help.

They told me to stay on the line.

man on railway line

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I walked into the hairdressers today.

The guy said, “Can I help you sir?”

I said, “I’m after a short cut”.

Then I walked through the shop and went out of the fire exit.

Cartoon shortcut. Normal cars, of course, had to go the long way.

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If an indoor shooting range is burning,

what does one scream to inform them? 

firing range

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2 thoughts on “Without Me, It’s Just Aweso!

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