Puns For The Educated Mind

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 

According to the dictionary, a pun is the humorous use of a word or phrase so as to emphasize or suggest its different meanings or applications, or the use of words that are alike or nearly alike in sound but different in meaning; a play on words.

I like puns. Sometimes they can be quite clever and humorous. At other times they can lead to an excruciatingly bad joke, although the worse they are the funnier they seem to be. Strange thing humor. 

I have a load of examples in the archives. Here are some to give you a taste of what may be in store.

Enjoy, (I hope)…

 

 

The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.

 

 

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,

but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

 

 

She was only a whiskey maker,

but he loved her still.

 

 

No matter how much you push the envelope,

it’ll still be stationery.

 

 

Would a grenade thrown into a kitchen in France result in

Linoleum Blownapart?

 

 

Two silk worms had a race.

They ended up in a tie.

 

 

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.

The police are looking into it.

 

 

Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana.

 

 

Apparently Mitt Romney donated the entirety of his inheritance from his father to the Brigham Young University. Is this guy a Moron?

 

Mitt Romney and Charles Montgomery Burns
Mitt Romney and Charles Montgomery Burns

 

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.

One hat said to the other, “You stay here; I’ll go on a head.”

 

 

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.

Then it hit me.

 

 

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:

“Keep off the Grass.”

 

 

The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison

was a small medium at large.

 

 

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray

is now a seasoned veteran.

 

 

A backward poet writes inverse.

 

 

In a democracy it’s your vote that counts…

In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

 

 

When cannibals ate a missionary,

did they get a taste of religion?

 

 

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris ,

you’d be in Seine.

 

 

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.

The stewardess looks at him and says,

“I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion per passenger.”

 

 

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?

His goal: transcend dental medication.

 

 

Two hydrogen atoms meet.

One says, “I’ve lost my electron.”

The other says, “Are you sure?” 

The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive.”

 

atoms

 

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Some More Witty Sayings, Inspired By George Carlin

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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There was a lot of love for the short series of quotes from George Carlin. I was pleased that he is remembered well and still giving amusement to people, despite no longer being with us.

Today I have a selection of other witty sayings, not attributed to anyone in particular, but in the same spirit as last week’s post.

I hope you enjoy these too.

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Dickson’s Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

 

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

 

Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.

 

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

 

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

 

There are two kinds of pedestrians — the quick and the dead.

 

Life is sexually transmitted.

 

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

 

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said “Quit while you’re ahead”?

 

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI. (One for the nerds and geeks to LTAO.) 

 

Willie was a Chemist, But Willie is no more, What Willie thought was H2O Was H2SO4.

 

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

 

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

 

Jury — Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

 

Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.

 

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

 

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

 

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

 

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

 

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More Of Those Questions That Are Well Worth Asking, But Nobody Bothers To Ask

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Well, apparently I was right, last week’s selection of questions that are worth asking, but nobody bothers to ask, weren’t life changing. But some people seemed to like them, so here is another batch for your consideration.

As usual, enjoy.

 

 

What can deaf people use instead of an Alarm Clock?

 

Why are Softballs hard?

 

Why aren’t Blueberry’s blue?

 

Do Butterfly’s make butter?

 

Does the Queen Bee have a King?

 

Can you carry a Kangaroo on your back?

 

Is a gold knife or fork still considered Silverware?

 

Why isn’t Chocolate considered a vegetable if it comes from Cocoa Beans?

 

What happens when you get ‘half scared to death’ twice?

 

Is it true cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

 

If all the world’s a stage, where does the audience sit?

 

Why are the alphabets in the order that they are? Is it because it’s a song?

 

If you write a book about failure, and it doesn’t sell, is it called success?

 

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

 

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

 

Are the good things that come to people who wait, the leftovers of people who went before them?

 

Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?

 

Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

 

Why is Greenland called Greenland, when it’s white and covered with ice?

 

If something ‘goes without saying’, why do people still say it?

 

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More Monday Madness – It’s Quiz Show Answers Time Again

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Another Monday and more quiz show answers. Those that know about these things tell me that the universe is expanding. All I can tell you it would need to be expanding fast because the amount of stupidity in the world is accelerating at a phenomenal rate.

Want proof?

Read on….(and enjoy)

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Q: An article of clothing kids usually don’t like wearing   

A: Gap 

 

 

Q: An occupation in which you disguise your appearance           

A: Doctor

 

 

Q: Name something women borrow from each other      

A: Husbands

 

 

Q: Name a bad place to look for good husband material

A: Family Reunion

 

 

Q: Name something you put under a pillow        

A: Radio

 

 

Q: An astronaut

A: Neil Young

 

 

Q: Name something a man wears to bed           

A: Condom

 

 

Q: Name a room in the house where the family gathers   

A: Bathroom

 

 

Q: Name something people do when they’re alone         

A: Make love

 

 

Q: Name something starting with “egg”  

A: Excellent

A: Eggland

 

 

Q: Someone you’d never want to see the results of your IQ test 

A: The IRS

 

 

Q: Name a pie that does not contain fruit           

A: Lemon Meringue

 

 

Q: An ugly color           

A: Puce

 

 

Q: The one thing people know about Rosie O’Donnell.   

A: That she was the wife on the TV show “Roseanne”

 

 

Q: Name something a wife tells her husband to put on   

A: Makeup

 

 

Q: Name something a woman out on a date would hate to discover on her face  

A: Booger

 

 

Q: Name a department in a supermarket

A: Lingerie

 

 

Q: Name something you keep in the drawer beside your bed      

A: Contraceptives

 

 

Q: Name a magazine that many men get subscriptions to as gifts           

A: Playgirl

 

 

Q: The one word that people yell at the end of a performance    

A: “I love you.” 

 

 

Q: Someone Bugs Bunny might invite to his birthday party         

A: Doc 

 

 

Q: Name something that might get backed up   

A: Trash

A: Yourself

 

 

Q: Name something you know about Rudy Giuliani        

A: Absolutely nothing

 

 

Q: Name something you’d yell at if it stopped working   

A: Spouse

 

 

Q: Name a game show title that best describes your marriage    

A: Happy Days 

 

 

Q: Name a food that’s red on the inside

A: Kiwi 

 

 

Q: The talent show with the crankiest judges, past or present      

A: America’s Funniest Home Videos

 

 

Q: Name something you wash once a week       

A: Self 

 

 

Q: Name a TV show with the word “family” in it, past or present  

A: My Three Sons

 

 

Q: One of Santa’s reindeer        

A: Nixon

 

 

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Another Selection Of Anagrams

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Last week’s selection of anagrams prompted a challenge to do one about ‘Clint Eastwood’ that included the word ‘stool’ in reference to his recent debacle at the Republican Party’s shin-dig in Florida. The best one I could come up with was – ‘Stool tactic a downer’ – but if you can do better please have a go by all means.

Meantime here is another selection for (I hope) your enjoyment and amusement.

 

 

‘federal bureau of investigation’

If found alive, abuse, interrogate!

———————-

 

‘washington dc’

Don’t shag in WC

———————-

 

‘princess diana’

Ascend in Paris

———————-

 

‘Microsoft Frontpage Technical Support’           

Oops, if PC falters contact or ring them up

———————-

 

‘Microsoft technical support’

Con, from culprit’s pathetic OS

———————-

 

‘Microsoft Incorporated’

Aim: no cost, record profit!

———————-

 

‘Microsoft Incorporated’

Moronic code rats profit

———————-

 

‘The Prince of Wales (Charles Philip Arthur George Mountbatten-Windsor)’

E.R. recalls his torment, huge ears flapping about in the wind. Poor wretch!

———————-

 

‘Liposuction surgery’

Super, young clitoris

———————-

 

 ‘Author George Orwell’

Wrote “Hog-Rule Galore!”

———————-

 

‘The President Of The United States Of America, George Walker Bush’

The twit threatens Baghdad. (To make sure of oil preference, I guess!)

———————-

 

‘The USA President George Bush’

Bugger the one stupid ass here!

———————-

 

‘George Walker Bush, President of the United States of America’

Damn! Result is garbage, takes pretender to White House office

———————-

 

‘The Terrorist Osama Bin Laden’

Arab monster is no idle threat

———————-

 

‘Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden’

Bad human demon and ideal assassin.

———————-

 

‘Dan Brown, writer of the Da Vinci Code.’

Torrid wand of a bewitched conniver

———————-

 

‘Hamas wins election’

New hostile maniacs

———————-

 

‘The first moon landing’

Grand hit on film-set, No?

 

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Introducing The Prestigious MIL-POST Blog Award

The MIL-POST Blog Award
The MIL-POST Blog Award
for 1,000 posts on your blog

 

Today I want to do something a little different.

I would like to announce the creation of the prestigious MIL-POST Blog Award, for bloggers who have managed to keep their enthusiasm, inspiration and dedication going long enough to have posted 1,000 times on their blog.

The whole idea has been inspired by a casual comment on the blog of my friend Frank over at ‘afrankangle’ who today is celebrating his 1,000th post. When you have read this why not visit Frank and join in the celebrations!

The more I thought about it the more I realized that this really is quite an achievement and a milestone that (a) most bloggers won’t reach, or (b) if and when they do reach it, it will have been the result of many months and perhaps years of blogging.

The BIG difference between this and other blogging awards is that you cannot be nominated for the MIL-POST Blog Award simply because someone else likes your blog and thinks it is worthy of some kind of accolade.

There are lots of other awards for that purpose, for example, the fasab blog has been nominated for the Versatile Blogger Award, the Sunshine Blogger Award, the Illuminating Blogger Award and the Kreative Blogger Award. There are many others.

But to be eligible for the MIL-POST Blog Award you must have posted 1,000 times (at least), simple as that.

So if you, or anyone you know, is eligible for the MIL-POST Blog Award please send them a link to this page or the MIL-POST Blog Award page where further details can be found.

And If you haven’t yet reached the 1,000 milestone yet, don’t worry, just keep on blogging and you’ll get there.

Go on,  you know you want one!

 

Factoid Friday – Significant Numbers: Is Three A Crowd?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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In the past on this blog they’ve been ‘beautiful’, they’ve been ‘big’ and they’ve been ‘unusual’. Today we have the first of a selection of ‘significant’ numbers, so-called because of their use and the beliefs surrounding them.

Enjoy.

 

3 Three

The number 3 is perhaps the most significant of all numbers. I’m sure at some time in our lives we have all heard that “things happen in 3’s.” There are lots of sayings and superstitions connected with the number 3. For example,

  • luck, especially bad luck, is often said to “come in threes”;
  • there is an American superstition which says that celebrity deaths tend to occur in threes;
  • in Vietnam, there is a superstition that considers it bad luck to take a photo with three people in it; it is professed that the person in the middle will die soon;
  • some people believe that it is unlucky to take a third light, that is, to be the third person to light a cigarette from the same match or lighter. (This superstition is said to have originated among soldiers in the trenches of the First World War when a sniper might see the first light, take aim on the second and fire on the third.);
  • the phrase “Third time’s the charm” is the opposite of the previous belief and refers to the superstition that after two failures in any endeavor, a third attempt is more likely to succeed; although where something illegal is involved it can mean that the third man to do something gets caught.

 

Many world religions contain triple deities or concepts of trinity, including,

  • the Christian Holy Trinity (Father, Son and Holy Spirit);
  • the Hindu Tridevi and Trimurti (Brahma the Creator, Vishnu the Preserver, and Shiva the Destroyer );
  • the Three Jewels of Buddhism;
  • the Three Pure Ones of Taoism (heaven, human, earth);
  • and the Triple Goddess of Wicca.

There are also three main Abrahamic religions: Christianity, Islam, and Judaism.

 

According to the Chinese, 3 is a perfect number.

To the Mayan, the sacred number of woman.

Egyptians see it as the number of the cosmos.

 

There are three types of universe  –  matter, astral (mental or soul) and spirit.

There are three main galaxy morphological classifications: Ellipticals, Spirals and Lenticulars.

The Roman numeral III stands for giant star in the Yerkes spectral classification scheme.

Earth is the third planet in its local Solar System, hence the name of the popular comedy show ‘3rd Rock From The Sun’.

The Moon has three phases.

 

Three is the atomic number of lithium.

Atoms consist of three constituents  –  protons, neutrons, and electrons.

There are three types of matter  –  animal, vegetable, and mineral.

 

There are 3 primary colors with which it is possible to obtain all the other colors we can see, because human color vision is trichromatic (because the brain uses three independent channels to process color information).

Strangely though, different applications use a different combination of primary colors, for example, CRT (TV) displays which use additive combinations of colors, normally have red, green, and blue as their primary colors; whereas in printing, which uses a subtractive combination of colors, the primary colors are usually cyan, magenta, and yellow; although most artists prefer the  red, yellow, blue combination.

 

Finally, a natural number is divisible by three if the sum of its digits in base 10 is divisible by 3. For example, the number 21 is divisible by three (3 times 7) and the sum of its digits is 2 + 1 = 3. Because of this, the reverse of any number that is divisible by three (or indeed, any permutation of its digits) is also divisible by three. For instance, 1368 and its reverse 8631 are both divisible by three (and so are 1386, 3168, 3186, 3618, etc..).

 

And finally, finally, how about 3 Degrees  

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More Of Those Awkward Moments – Life’s Great Levelers, part three.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Another selection of those awkward moments we all experience as we journey through life. Some make you laugh, some make you angry, but all of them make you feel a little bit stupider that you really thought you were.

Enjoy.

 

 

That awkward moment when you realize you left the rest room with your dress tucked into your undies.

(Definitely haven’t managed that one yet, but I know someone who has.)

 

 

That awkward moment when you accidentally fart doing sit-ups at the Gym.

(Hey, another gold medal possibility if they make it an Olympic sport. For ‘accidentally’ read ‘inevitably’.)


 

 

That awkward moment when you see someone coming your way after you’ve just farted.

(Why do you think people take dogs with them for walks?)

 

 

That awkward moment when your girlfriend asks you if you love her more than your car.

(There’s only one answer to this one.)

 

 

That awkward moment when you bend down and your pants rip and you’re wearing floral underwear.

(Hello sailor!!!)

 

 

That awkward moment when you get caught in the rain in a cheesecloth dress, and really big underwear.

(I told you I don’t wear dresses, but seen it happen, very funny. Really big underwear, also known to us men folk as, ‘kidney warmers’. Sorry ladies.)

 

 

That awkward moment when someone walks in while you’re changing.

(Can be just as awkward when you walk in on someone else – or not – depending.)

 

 

That awkward moment when you confidently say the wrong answer aloud in class.

(And then try to turn the whole thing into a bad joke.)

 

 

That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes and you slowly put another dish in the sink.

(Just do it with a smile and you’ll be okay. But only do it once.)

 

 

That awkward moment when you are trying to impress someone on the dance-floor but you dance into a pole.

(Prefer to watch other people dance where there are poles.)

 

 

That awkward moment when you think the trash can is a stool.

(So why hasn’t anyone invented a trash can that doubles as a stool – or is that a crap idea?)

 

 

The awkward moment when your friends make plans right in front of you, and the plans don’t include you.

(I can take a hint.)

 

 

That awkward moment when you’re so tired from taking a nap that you feel like to have to take another nap to get over your nap.

(Oh yes, the nap recovery nap nap!)

 

 

That awkward moment when you lose your bikini top in the surf.

(Not a problem for me, but I see the point…er..points??)

 

 

That awkward moment when you are on the beach and someone has told you that your tampon string is hanging out of your bikini.

(What does one do, and where does one do it?)

 

 

That awkward moment when you don’t know where to stand to pull your wedgie out without being noticed.

(Impossible to do without being seen. Impossible to do and still look elegant.)

 

 

That awkward moment when your neighbor starts talking to you while you’re hanging out your underwear.

(Hi there, washing the smalls today?)

 

 

That awkward moment when one heel flies off your high heels on the dance floor.

(It still baffles me why women wear high heels and how they can walk in them – or not, see videos.)

 

High heels fall 1

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High heels fall 2


 

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Witty One-liner Wednesday – Some Sayings Of The Late George Carlin, part 3

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Today I have great pleasure in presenting the third, but unfortunately, final part of this short series of Witty One-liners from the late and great George Carlin.

Where have all the clever comedians gone, I wonder?

Enjoy.

 

 

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

 

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

 

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

 

If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.

 

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.

 

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

 

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

 

“No comment” is a comment.

 

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

 

So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.

 

When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.

 

I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.

 

If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!

 

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.

 

I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

 

It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.

 

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

 

“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?

 

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer’s disease where they slowly began to recover other people’s lost memories.

 

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Two Post Tuesday

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It’s not often that I post twice in one day. I did the funny post earlier but there is something else that I want to say and today is the day to say it. Strap yourselves in!

I don’t remember where I was when JKF was shot. It was a bit too far back in time for me to be worrying about such things. I do remember where I was when I saw my first movie about the assassination, though. I was in a cinema. The movie was called Executive Action and starred Burt Lancaster. Some critics panned it at the time but I thought it was very good, based on a conspiracy theme naturally enough. I actually thought it was better that Stone’s acclaimed effort, ‘JFK’, made many years later.

I also remember where I was this day eleven years ago. It was the day that the world changed for ever and I was sitting in my study at home battling with a few spreadsheets for a business plan I was putting together. The TV was on in the background and the normal programs suddenly cut to what was happening in New York.

 

World Trade Center, New York City,   September 11,  2001
World Trade Center, New York City, September 11, 2001

Of course that was the end of my spreadsheets for the day. I became totally enthralled in the news coverage which was to say the least confused. By that time the first tower was belching out a steady stream of smoke. It was clearly on fire and had been very badly damaged.

The reporters were speculating as to what may have been the cause. They talked about ‘accidents’ and eyewitness reports of a small private aircraft hitting the building. But, to anyone with any wit at all, it had to have been much more than a small airplane to do that amount of damage to a building that huge.

Then, as I continued to watch, the second plane hit the other tower. Some of the reporters still could not come to grips with what was happening. The second plane was clearly a large commercial jet and, equally clearly, it had been flown deliberately into the second tower.

This was the real deal. And all of the multi-billion dollar military/intelligence defense network had been caught with their trousers down round their collective ankles.

A massive terror attack was in progress and we were able to watch it in real time on our televisions. It was at the same time mesmerizing, engrossing and, not least, horrifying.

The horrific nature of what had happened became clearer when everyone began to realize that, not only had many innocent people probably lost their lives when the airplanes had struck the buildings, but also that there was little or no hope of saving those on the floors above where the impact had occurred. It got even worse when some of the trapped people threw themselves out of the building and could been seen falling to the ground and to certain death.

Emergency services rushed to the scene. Many acts of extreme bravery followed as police and firefighters went into the burning buildings with little or no regard for their own safety. I can’t say this for sure, but I imagine at least some of them knew there was little chance they would get back out again. But they did it anyway.

Then we heard that the Pentagon had been the target of a further attack and yet another airplane, also bound we were told for the Washington DC area, had gone down somewhere en route.

In all 2,977 people were murdered as a result of the terrorist attacks that morning.

We know who was responsible for the attacks. We know that many of their terrorist comrades, including the figurehead Bin Laden, have since been killed. And we know the terrible cost in terms of lost lives and serious injuries to the various armed forces who were sent to do that job.

September 11 is now officially ‘Patriot Day’, a day of remembrance. And we should all take at least a moment in honor of the victims.

Sadly the aftermath of these terrorist attacks eleven years ago brought only knee-jerk reactions from jerk politicians. They had the audacity to call it the Patriot Act, but it attacks the freedom of innocent law-abiding citizens just as much as it does the terrorists and criminals.

Contaminated by the hellish liberal inspired ‘guilt’ that now pervades all government decisions and means that it is no longer perceived as acceptable if we take our own side in a fight, a raft of idiotic, unnecessary and unfair legislation has, and is, being enacted.

This is being done in the name of defending the homeland, but unwilling to only target the national, ethnic or religious groups who are responsible for the vast majority of the terror, poor old law-abiding Joe Public gets targeted as well.

Everyone is now guilty until they can prove their innocence. Get on an airplane at an airport and you are treated as a potential terrorist and irradiated and probed and so forth. Open a bank account and you are treated as a potential terrorist trying to launder money – despite the fact that it was the banks themselves who were doing that job.

It’s not that any of this is a great hardship. It’s just that it is completely unnecessary and unproductive. It is the typical politician’s and bureaucrat’s way of trying to con the populace by substituting activity for real progress.

A lot of potential terrorist attacks in America and elsewhere have been thwarted during the past eleven years, but not one of them as a result of all the overt claptrap at airports and so forth.

Will it change? Will sanity and intelligence take over?

Not a chance.

Will it get worse? Will the bureaucrats’ hunger for control and interference increase?

Of course it will, regardless of whether the regime is Republicrat or Democrican.

So who really did win?

The terrorists may well have lost, but the people certainly didn’t win!