The Bungling Burglar Who Lost His Way, And Then Lost His Mind

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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In 1982 in Bel Air, Los Angeles, an ambitious burglar broke into one of the vast mansions on millionaire’s row.

This palatial structure was a veritable gold-mine of treasures and he immediately started to fill his sack with loot.

It all started off so well
It all started off so well

He went through the ballroom and into the hall.

Then down the escalators to the single lane swimming arbour.

Up to the library.

Across the dining room, and out of the annex into the conservatory which contained sixty-three varieties of tropical plants and a cage-full of sulphur crested parrots.

After all that he decided that now was the time to make a quick exit with his ill-gotten gains.  

He went back through the dining room.

Then up to the gymnasium and across the indoor tennis court.

Down a spiral staircase to an enclosed patio with synchronized fountains.

Out to the cocktail lounge and through junior’s sound-proofed drum studio, whereupon he found himself back into the room full of increasingly excited parrots that normally saw nobody from one day to the next.

Panicking slightly, he ran back towards the library and through swing doors into a gallery containing the early works of Jackson Pollock.

Then out through the kitchen, across a jacuzzi enclosure and up two flights of stairs.

Hysterical Burglar
Hysterical Burglar

At this point he became hysterical, ran outside along the balcony, around the circular corridors, up more stairs, down the landing into the master bedroom and woke up the owners to ask them how to get out.

In order to spare him further distress, they arranged for a local policeman to escort him from the premises.

Help is at hand
Help is at hand

I think he spent the next few years also in another big building, but one with much smaller rooms.

 

Do You Know…. Yes, It’s Another Flipping Fun Filled Factoid Friday!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It’s Friday again and what better day to indulge in a little more factoid fun. Start your weekend off full of useless knowledge that you can impress and bore your friends with.

Enjoy!

 

 

Do you know….

 

That 80 percent of Harvard students graduate with honors

 

That the chances that a burglary in the US will be solved are 1 in 7

 

That the government owns one third of all the land in the US

 

That they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM.  Why?

 

That James Buchanan was the only US President to remain a bachelor

 

That the only first lady to carry a loaded revolver was Eleanor Roosevelt

 

That the only US President to win a Pulitzer was John F. Kennedy, for “Profiles in Courage”

 

That the only US President to be awarded a patent was Abraham Lincoln, for a system of buoying vessels over shoals

 

 That the US President who discovered a new proof for The Pythagorean Theorem was Jimmy Carter  (I think is was hidden under the oval office carpet)

 

That cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there, duh?

 

What happens if you are in a vehicle going the speed of light and you turn on the headlights?

 

That honey is the only food that does not spoil

 

That a Hummingbird is the only bird that can fly backwards

 

That Antarctica is the only continent without reptiles or snakes

 

Why is the word “lisp” spelled with all the letters that people with that affliction cannot pronounce?

 

That a pig is the only animal besides human that can get sunburn

 

That ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water

 

That an eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it

 

That in the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees

 

That for some strange reason Americans drive on parkways and park on driveways.

 

That polar bears are left-handed

 

Why is “dyslexic” such a difficult word to spell?

 

That when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio

 

That Eskimos never gamble  –  I bet you didn’t know that.

 

That the world’s youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910

 

That the youngest pope was 11 years old

 

That Mark Twain didn’t graduate from elementary school

 

That proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses

 

That when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo

 

That Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner

 

What would happen if you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height?

 

That your nose and ears never stop growing

 

Why isn’t “phonetic” spelled the way it sounds?

 

That Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets combined  –  Uranus!  –  No, Jupiter.

 

That they have square watermelons in Japan … they stack better

 

That Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other nation

 

Why your nose runs and your feet smell?

 

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Hard Luck Mr Scott, The Romance May Be Dead But Your Wife Isn’t!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yesterday the subject of my blog post was a rather nice story about a farmer in England who had put a lot of thought, time and effort into creating a memorial tribute to his late wife. I called it “Well done Winston Howes, Who Says Romance Is Dead?”.

A bit out of character for this blog perhaps, but I admire people who do things that are just that little bit above and beyond the call of duty.

Today, however, you could say that “normal service” has been resumed. You could probably tell from the title, “Hard Luck Mr Scott, The Romance May Dead But Your Wife Isn’t!“.

This is a story about another Englishman. This time a Mr Peter Scott from Southsea who has gone down in history as the least successful husband at trying to murder his wife!

All in all Mr Scott made seven attempts to kill his wife.

And the strangest thing of all was that she never once noticed that anything was wrong.

It all started in 1980 when he took out an insurance policy on his good lady that would pay out a quarter of a million British pounds in the event of her accidental death.

 

insurance money
insurance money

Shortly afterward, he made his first attempt to cash in when he placed a lethal dose of mercury in her strawberry flan. Unfortunately for Mr Scott the heavy mercury all rolled out.

Strike attempt # 1.

 

strawberry flan
strawberry flan

However, not wishing to waste this deadly substance, he next stuffed a mackerel with the entire contents of the bottle. This time, to his delight, his wife ate it, but, to his dismay, with no side effects whatsoever.

Strike attempt # 2.

 

mackerel
mackerel

Warming to the task, he then took his better half on holiday to Yugoslavia. Recommending the panoramic views, he invited her to sit on the edge of a cliff, but she declined to do so, prompted by what she later described as some “sixth sense.”  

Strike attempt # 3.

 

cliff
cliff

He tried the same type of thing a few weeks later when he urged her to enjoy the view from Beachy Head, the famous 500 feet high chalk headland in the south of England.

Strike attempt # 4.

 

Beachy Head
Beachy Head

Then, when his spouse was in bed with chicken-pox he started a fire outside her bedroom door, but some interfering busybody put it out.

Strike attempt # 5.

 

Would-be Arsonist
Would-be Arsonist

Undeterred, Mr Scott started another fire but only succeeded in burning down the entire apartment. The target of his arsonist adventures escaped uninjured.

Strike attempt # 6.

 

burning apsrtment
burning apsrtment

On yet another occasion he asked her to stand in the middle of the road so that he could drive toward her and check if his brakes were working.

Strike attempt # 7.

 

Road Rage
Road Rage

Unbelievably, at no time did Mrs. Scott feel that the magic had gone out of their marriage. She must have been sooooo dumb!

Finally, since it appeared that nothing short of a small nuclear bomb would have alerted this good woman to her husband’s intentions, he eventually gave up and confessed everything to the police.

 

arrested
arrested

After the case, a detective said Mrs. Scott had been “absolutely shattered” when told of her husband’s plot to kill her.

 

Had not a clue
Had not a clue

 

Well Done WInston Howes, Who Says Romance Is Dead?

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Until I start to write a post I’m never sure just where it is going. Some days it is a rant, some days more humorous, and occasionally it is a day for highlighting the unusual, something that caught my attention in the media. This is one of those latter days.

Today is the story of Winston Howes, perhaps the most unusual farmer in Britain.

Personally I have always been the type of person who likes to give flowers and tributes to people while they are still around to enjoy them, rather than a grand oration at a funeral or a ritual visit to a graveside every anniversary or whatever, after they have passed.

But other people think differently, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Most do just what I have said I don’t, but Winston Howes, the farmer in Britain has taken it a step farther than most.

Howes’ wife for some 33 years Janet died seventeen years ago and he felt he wanted to create a lasting tribute to her memory. So, being a farmer, Howes set aside a 6-acre plot in his 112-acre farm near the town of Wickwar, and spent a week planting six thousand oak saplings, leaving a perfectly heart-shaped clearing in the middle. He also planted daffodils in the middle that bloom every spring.

The heart measures about an acre in size and points to the childhood home of Howes’ wife. It is bordered by a bushy hedge and is only accessible from a track leading to the tip.

Despite it’s size it is a private tribute because unless you get an aerial view you would never know it is there at all. Howes has flown over his farm to get the full aerial effect, just like Collett (his late wife) he says, but mostly he just retreats there to the secret meadow to sit and reflect.

So well done, Winston Howes.

Have a look.

 

Oak Tree Heart
Oak Tree Heart

Stupid Bureaucrats Make Stupid Rules, And Get Even Stupider People to Enforce Them

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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One of the things that this blog is supposed to do is highlight the stupidity of needlessly meddling bureaucracy.

I recently read a reprint of an article by New York Times writer Anand Giridharadas about  governmental meddling. It went like this:

“Say you want to start a home catering business in New York city. According to the city government, you’d need, among other things,

  • a food protection certificate,
  • a food service establishment permit,
  • a gas authorization, 
  • professionally installed range hoods,
  • a licensed carting company for waste,
  • registration as a sales tax vendor
  • compliance with portable fire extinguisher rules
  • and the unincorporated business tax.”


That’s a pretty formidable list; and it doesn’t even include state and federal registrations and compliance.

It’s just one small example. There are a similar host of needless rules and regulations in every industry whether it be construction, catering, or whatever. The stupid rules are enforced by equally stupid people. And it is crushing the life out of businesses.

Although a lot of the regulations you read about on the internet are not for real, nevertheless the European Union is notorious for passing idiotic and unnecessary legislation. And to be quite candid the US government is no better. It now has an “alphabet agency” for just about everything for no other reason in many cases other than to watch, track and tightly control virtually everything that we do.  In 1936, the Federal Register, which is the main source of regulations for U.S. government agencies consisted of about 2,600 pages; today, it is over 80,000 pages long and growing.

A recent article on a web site called businessinsider.com went on…

But it is not just the federal government that is ramming thousands of ridiculous regulations down our throats.  The truth is that in many cases state and local governments are far worse.  We have become a nation that is run and dominated by bureaucrats.  Yes, there always must be rules in a society, but we have gotten to the point where there are so many millions of rules that the game has become unplayable.

Here are a few examples. While you are reading them, just think about the warped minds that think up this stuff, but then also think about why we (the normal people) continue to tolerate this nonsense. And it is getting worse at an alarmingly accelerating rate.

They are more absurd than funny, but the last one might even throw a scare into you!

 

 

The state of Louisiana says that monks must be fully licensed as funeral directors and actually convert their monasteries into licensed funeral homes before they will be allowed to sell their handmade wooden caskets.

 

In the state of Massachusetts, all children in daycare centers are mandated by state law to brush their teeth after lunch.  In fact, the state even provides the fluoride toothpaste for the children.

 

Federal agents recently raided an Amish farm at 5am in the morning because they were selling “unauthorized” raw milk.

 

In Lake Elmo, Minnesota farmers can be fined $1000 and put in jail for 90 days for selling pumpkins or Christmas trees that are grown outside city limits.

 

A U.S. District Court judge slapped a $500 fine on Massachusetts fisherman Robert J. Eldridge for untangling a giant whale from his nets and setting it free.  So what was his crime?  Well, according to the court, Eldridge was supposed to call state authorities and wait for them do it.

 

In the state of Texas, it doesn’t matter how much formal interior design education you have – only individuals with government licenses may refer to themselves as “interior designers” or use the term “interior design” to describe their work.

 

Deeply hidden in the 2,409-page health reform bill passed by Congress was a new regulation that will require U.S. businesses to file millions more 1099s each year.  In fact, it is estimated that the average small business will now have to file 200 additional 1099s every single year.  Talk about a nightmare of red tape!  But don’t try to avoid this rule – it is being reported that the IRS has hired approximately 2,000 new auditors to audit as many of these 1099s as possible.

 

The city of Milwaukee, Wisconsin makes it incredibly difficult to go out of business. In order to close down a business, Milwaukee requires you to purchase an expensive license, you must submit a huge pile of paperwork to the city regarding the inventory you wish to sell off, and you must pay a fee based on the length of your “going out of business sale” plus a two dollar charge for every $1,000 worth of inventory that you are attempting to sell off.

 

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration is projecting that the food service industry will have to spend an additional 14 million hours every single year just to comply with new federal regulations that mandate that all vending machine operators and chain restaurants must label all products that they sell with a calorie count in a location visible to the consumer.

 

The city of Philadelphia now requires all bloggers to purchase a $300 business privilege license.  The city even went after one poor woman who had earned only $11 from her blog over the past two years.

:o()

 

 

More Manic Monday Moron Madness

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Another manic Monday has been thrust upon us. Feels like a tough week to me already, so let’s start with a few funnies. Another selection from the tv quiz show archive. I have a few favorites in this lot, I hope you find something to chuckle about too.

Enjoy.

 

 

What girl’s name is a term for a short prayer or thanks before a meal?

“Mary”

 

 

What is twenty multiplied by fifty?

“A hundred and ten”

 

 

The towns of El Paso and San Antonio are in which US state?

“South America”

 

 

What is six multiplied by three?

“Nine”

 

 

Apart from Earth which planet in our solar system begins with a vowel?

“Pluto”

 

 

In hairdressing a tuft of hair which persistently sticks up is called a ‘cow…’ what?

“Horn”

 

 

What sport do you play on grass with rackets?

“Cricket”

 

 

What insect has many limbs, although the name would suggest that it has one hundred? 

“A giraffe”

 

 

What glen in Scotland was the scene of a famous battle?

“Glenfiddich”

 

 

What is the silent last letter in the word ‘ballet’ ?

“Y” 

 

 

Which popular hot drink is an anagram of the word ‘eat’ ?

“Chocolate”

 

 

What F is a pink African wading bird?

“Albatross”

 

 

What place in Australia is called ‘Springs’ preceded by a girls name?

“Hope”

 

 

What ‘V’ is a dilute acetic acid and is used as a condiment?

“Bicarbonate of soda”

 

 

What is the highest double-figured number?

“Twenty-five”

 

 

The Mexican War was fought over a border dispute with which other country?

“Spain”

 

 

The book by Lord Baden-Powell is called ‘Scouting For..’ what?

“Trade”

 

 

What ‘D’ is the word for rain which also indicates which way the rain is falling?

“Direction”

 

 

In America the 18th century protestation about taxes was called ‘The Boston..’ what?

“Uprising”

 

 

How many playing cards are displayed in the trick ‘Find the lady’?

“Twelve”

 

 

What is the name of the long tapering button which is used to fasten a duffle coat?

“Zip”

 

 

What’s fourteen plus sixteen?

“Twenty”

 

 

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The French Don’t Have A Word For “Entrepreneur”

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Despite the fact that it has huge corporations like Cartier, Dassault, L’oreal, Lafarge, Michelin, Peugeot-Citroen, Renault, and many more, President George W Bush once astutely remarked that the French don’t have a word for “entrepreneur”.

It’s hard to say whether he thought they had no entrepreneurs in France, or that the French had borrowed the word we used for themselves. But it is too dangerous territory to delve too deeply into trying to understand how Dubya thought or why he said some of the things he said. Let’s just instead enjoy the humor of them. 

But what is interesting is to delve a little deeper into the words that the English language has borrowed, and then assimilated, from other languages.

I have only noted a few examples here, a comprehensive list would run into the thousands. It makes me think that they didn’t say very much to each other in Britain before they were invaded and new words brought into their language.

Here is a short list. The origin of some of the words may well surprise you.

 

ARABIC: admiral, adobe, albatross, alcohol, alcove, alfalfa, algebra, algorithm, apricot, arsenal, artichoke, assassin, candy, carat, cipher, coffee, cotton, giraffe, guitar, harem, jar, jumper, lacquer, lemon, lime, magazine, mattress, muslin, orange, safari, sequin (clothing ornament), sofa, spinach, sugar, talc, tangerine, tariff, tuna, zenith , zero

 

DUTCH: ahoy, bamboo, bazooka, Brooklyn, bundle, caboose, coleslaw, cookie, cruise, dam, decoy, dike, dope, easel, elope, freebooter, gherkin, Harlem, holster, landscape, loafer, rucksack, scone, sketch, skipper, spook, trigger, wagon, yacht, yankee

 

FRENCH: abattoir, amateur¸ architect¸ astronomy, balloon, banquet, bikini, boutique, bureaucracy, cadillac, caliber, canon, carbon, cartel, chandelier, chauffeur, dagger, delicious, denim, deputy, diagram, education, ejaculation, election, empire, eviction, fiancée, flamboyant, flatulence, foreclose, fraternity, galoshes, glacier, gourmet, hangar, harassment, harmony, homicide, hypocrisy, identity, ignorance, imagination, immunize, irrigation, jealousy, jeopardy, journalism, kennel, kilometer, laundry, lemonade, liberty, lieutenant, lunatic, macabre, magician, mathematics, medicine, millionaire, mortgage, music, narcotic, native, negligee, nonchalant, oblique, occupy, optician, organism, ounce, pacific, panache, paragraph, perfume, pigeon, pirate, pistol, prejudice, president, psychiatry, quantity, queue, quote, racism, raconteur, rapport, rendezvous, residue, rhubarb, sabotage, salon, scabbard, secret, soufflé, tart, tourniquet, trenchant, trespass, turbulent, turtle, umpire, union, universal, vacation, valiant, vampire, vestibule, voyeur

 

GERMAN: hamburger, pretzel, larger

 

HEBREW: alphabet, jubilee, sycamore

 

INDIAN: avatar, bandana, bangle, bazaar, bungalow, cashmere, catamaran, chutney, curry, dinghy, doolally, dungarees, guru, gymkhana, hullabaloo, jungle, juggernaut , khaki, loot, polo, pukka, pundit, pyjamas, shampoo, shawl, swastika, thug, typhoon, veranda, yoga

 

IRISH: brogues, galore, gob, hooligan, poteen, shamrock, slob, whiskey

 

NATIVE AMERICAN: caribou, cisco, Eskimo, hickory, moccasin, moose, pecan, skunk, tomahawk, as well as many place names including, Mississippi, Michigan, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Wyoming, Wisconsin and Chicago, Illinois

 

And finally for this example,

 

SPANISH: alligator, armada, avocado, barbecue, bonanza, burro, cafeteria, California, canyon, cargo, Caribbean, chocolate, cigar, Colorado, corral, desperado, Florida, guerrilla, hurricane, jerky, Montana, mosquito, Nevada, oregano, patio, plaza, ranch, stampede, tobacco, tomato, tornado

 

 

Two Dozen Signs That You’ve Grown Up For Good

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Growing up can be both good and bad.

There is a lot to be said for the innocence of our younger days when school was the worst of our worries and all the other stuff was taken care of by someone else.

We lived in apartments or houses that were just there. We weren’t concerned how it was that we lived there, or that we had shelter, or a bed to sleep in.

We turned up at the breakfast or dinner table and ate the food that arrived. Never a thought was given as to where it came from or who paid for it.

Even in our teenage years most of us still live a relatively carefree life, only traumatized by trivialities like spotty faces or having to wear glasses.

And then one day it all changed. We were grown up. We had responsibilities of our own. And we had different attitudes to the things around us and a much deeper appreciation of how they got there.

That’s not to say that we lost ALL our childish ways. The lucky ones retained their sense of fun. 

But in case you are wondering if you are now grown up for good here are two dozen signs to help you decide.

Enjoy.

 

 

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.

 
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

 
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

 
4. 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

 
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

 
6. You watch the Weather Channel.

 

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up” and “break up.”

 

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

 

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”

 

10. You’re the one calling the police because those %&@#*** kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.

 

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

 

12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

 

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

 

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers.

 

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

 

16. You take naps.

 

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

 

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

 

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

 

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good shit.”

 

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

 

22. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”

 

23. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

 

24. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking “Oh shit, what the hell happened?”

 

 

Today Is Friday The Thirteenth, Unlucky For Some – Here’s Another Test

 

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Personally I think its bad luck to be superstitious. Nevertheless a lot of people think that a Friday which falls on the 13th of the month is a day where ‘luck’ tends to be bad rather than good. Today they might have something – here’s another test :o(

As usual some are difficult, some are easy and some are just tricky, but you can fine the answers way down below 

 

1.  July and August are two consecutive months with 31 days each. What other two consecutive months have 31 days each?

 

 

2.  What is the opposite of not good?

 

 

3.  Two girls played four games of checkers. Each girl won 3 games. How can this be?

 

 

4.  Two mothers and two daughters went to lunch. The meal for each came to $1.10. The total bill for all the meals came to $3.30. How did this happen?

 

 

5.  Which of the following sentences is correct?

Nine and five are thirteen.
or
Nine and five is thirteen.

 

 

6.  What states contain just four letters, three of which are vowels?

 

 

7.  “How much will 1 cost?” “20 cents,” says the clerk in the hardware store. 
“And how much will twelve cost?”

“40 cents.”
“Okay, I’ll take nine hundred twelve.”

“That will be 60 cents.”
What was the customer buying?

 

 

8.  What types of animals can jump higher than a house?

 

 

9.  Rearrange the letters of NEW DOOR to make one word.

 

 

10. What familiar continuum is expressed by the following words:

flushed, New Jersey town, cowardly, naive, depressed, dye-stuff, flower.

 

 

11. In the following line of letters, cross out six letters so that the remaining letters, without altering their sequence, will spell a familiar English word. 

B S A I N X L E A T N T E A R S

 

 

12. Give the first names of the following people:
Dante, Rembrandt, Michelangelo

 

 

13. An eskimo, even if he and his family are on the verge of starvation, will not attempt to eat a Penguin’s egg. Why?

 

 

14. What is the main characteristic of an Hawaiian snake?

 

 

15. Supply the missing number: 77, 49, 36, 18, ____ .

 

 

16. Spell JOKE.
      Spell FOLK.
      Spell POKE. 
      Spell the word which means the white of an egg.

 

 

17. Kansas City and St. Louis are 240 miles apart. A train leaves Kansas City travelling towards St. Louis at 60 mph; another leaves St. Louis at the same time, travelling towards Kansas City at 40 mph. Which train will be farther from St. Louis when they meet?

 

 

18. If a man is 6 feet tall and weighs 300 pounds, how many hard boiled eggs can he eat on an empty stomach?

 

 

19. A child is born in Boston, Mass., to parents who were both born in Boston, Mass. The child is not a U.S. citizen. How is this possible?

 

 

20. Carrie Cotter was born on December 27, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

 

 

21. What 8 letter word has 7 consonants and 1 vowel?

 

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ANSWERS

 

1.  December and January.

 

2.  good.

 

3.  They did not play each other.

 

4.  There were just three women — grandmother, mother, daughter.

 

5.  Neither is correct — 9 + 5 = 14.

 

6.  Ohio, Iowa.

 

7.  House Numbers.

 

8.  All animals — houses can’t jump.

 

9.  ONE WORD.

 

10. Colors of the Rainbow.

Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, Indigo, Violet.

 

11. B A N A N A (Cross out the letters: S I X L E T T E R S)

 

12. They are the first names.

 

13. Eskimo is at the North Pole; Penquins are at the South Pole.

 

14. They don’t exist.

 

15.  8.

 

16. A L B U M E N (NOT yolk! — that’s the yellow part!)

 

17. When they meet, they are the same distance from St. Louis.

 

18. Just one. After that, his stomach isn’t empty.

 

19. The child was born before 1776.

 

20. Carrie lives in the Southern Hemisphere.

 

21. STRENGTH. There may be others…

 

 

 

 

 

The Most Evil Cat In The World

”Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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As I’ve said before on this blog, I’m a doggie person, but I know that there are a lot of people out there who like cats. However, I don’t think any of them could have liked the cat that is the subject of this post.

It happed a few years ago when a colleague and myself were on a business trip that included a visit to a small town in West Virginia. It was a lovely little town, called Rednecksville (I won’t tell you it’s real name so as to protect the guilty), full of lovely, very friendly and hospitable people.

During the time we happened to be there they held a local fair come flea market where people from the town and the surrounding countryside would gather. Some set up stalls to sell their home crafted goods, others, like myself just went along to see what was on offer and perhaps buy a few trinkets as gifts. 

But, whilst the experience itself was enjoyable, the items that were on sale left a whole lot to be desired. They were quite unbelievably crudely made.

There was a guy with what I think were supposed to bird nesting boxes and/or feeders, but they looked more like an old plank of wood with a bit of drain pipe nailed to it. (It looked like that because that’s what it was, lol)

Other stalls were selling home made jewelry in what you could only call primitive style.

And yet more had bits of metal junk.

Surprisingly one of the junk stalls seemed to be doing good business, selling big rusty nuts and bolts and bits of chain and so forth. On second thoughts perhaps not so surprisingly since this was a largely rural community and new uses can always be found for stuff like that.

I smiled quietly to myself as I wondered if the bird box guy had been a customer of this stall the last time they had the fair.

At another stall a woman was selling some stuffed toys/animals she had very obviously made herself. None of them were good, but some were just downright awful.

For some reason best known to himself my colleague chose to buy a stuffed cat for his wife. He was getting on in years and had been married a long time, but in all those years he never had any idea about women or what they would like – and that was especially so in regard to his wife, although in his defense I have to say that she didn’t seem to like anything he did very much.

To my utter amazement he choose the most unusual stuffed cat I have ever seen. It wasn’t that it looked ugly as such, or that it was badly made. This thing looked pure evil. And no matter where you would be standing it always seemed to be looking right at you, or through you.

It was terrible, horrendous, occultish. If Steven King had been there he’d have written a book about it for sure. If Vincent Price had been holding it in some horror movie set it might have looked more acceptable. Or if we had been in Haiti, I could have understood it if it was supposed to be some voodoo ritual piece. But this was right in the middle of good old evangelical Christian Bible Belt America. This was no place for the cat from hell.  

“What do you think?” he asked, proudly showing me his new purchase.

“I hate it!” I told him in no uncertain terms. “What the hell did you buy that thing for?”

He seemed rather miffed.

He must have been more miffed when he got it home. Needless to say his wife hated it. Wouldn’t give it house room at all. And I’m sure she made her feelings very clear to him, as she usually did about almost everything.  

So he gave it to his daughter. 

She hated it. Didn’t want it near her house either.

So he gave it to his daughter-in-law. 

She hated it. She was actually scared out of her wits by it.

So he gave it to his grand-daughter. 

She hated it. Started to cry, I believe.

So he put in the trunk of the car and brought it to his office the next day. 

His secretary hated it, too. Wouldn’t have it near the office.  

So back in the trunk it went.

Eventually he must have got to hate it too because it disappeared never to be seen again.

And the weirdest bit of all….

I photographed him with it when he bought it and I would have attached it to this blog post except for one thing – the photo is nowhere to be found!

That was one weird cat!