Dumb And Dumber, Part Deaux!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 

Just to prove yesterday’s lot of exam answers wasn’t a fluke, here are some more that I discovered, again collated from the UK GCSE exam results.

These young people show an outstanding ignorance on a wide variety of subjects. I imagine a few of them will become successful politicians and bureaucrats one day.

I think some of these are very funny.

I hope you enjoy them too.

 

 

GEOGRAPHY

Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

 

 

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

 

 

Q: What is the Equator?

A: “Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.”

 

 

Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

 

 

Q: What is a planet?

A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

 

 

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

 

 

SOCIOLOGY

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?

A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well-endowed.

 

 

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?

A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

 

 

Q: What are steroids?

A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

 

 

BIOLOGY

Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

 

 

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

 

 

Q; Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A: Premature death.

 

 

Q: What is artificial insemination?

A: When the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

 

 

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow.

 

 

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g. abdomen.)

A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

 

 

Q: What is the Fibula?

A: A small lie.

 

 

Q: What does “varicose” mean?

A: Nearby.

 

 

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?

A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

 

 

Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section.”

A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

 

 

Q: What is a seizure?

A: A Roman emperor.

 

 

Q: What is a terminal illness?

A: When you are sick at the airport.

 

 

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?

A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

 

 

Q: What is a Fossil?

A: A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.”

 

 

Q: What does the term “Germinate” mean?

A: To become a naturalized German.

 

 

ENGLISH

Q: Use the word “judicious” in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.

A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

 

 

Q: What does the word “benign” mean?

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

 

 

TECHNOLOGY

Q: What is a turbine?

A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

 

 

Q: What is a Vacuum?

A: A Vacuum is a large, empty space where the pope lives.”

 

 

Q: What is a Magnet?

A: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.”

 

 

Q: Define the term Momentum

A: What you give a person when they are going away.”

——————

 

 

Even Dumb And Dumber Are Beginning To Look Reasonably Smart

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 

“Education is light, lack of it darkness.”
–Russian proverb

 

Teaching is a great vocation and a vitally important one for society. It’s a pity that the politicians didn’t realize that and devote a bit more of their time and our money towards improving the salaries of the teachers and raising the level of education of the pupils.

I know a lot of people would say what use is learning stuff like history or economics or having to read some high-brow literature in which you have little or no interest. But learning is, or rather used to be, about discovering how to think, how to retain information and how to apply what you have retained in other situations.

In other words developing a bit of common sense and the ability to think you way out of or around problem situations. The brain is like a muscle, the more exercise it gets and the more you use it the more efficient it becomes.

Sadly, we have reached the intolerable stage where, instead of the logical progression of standards being set just a little bit higher each year, the very opposite is occurring. Educational standards are dropping every year, and not by a little either.

Exam passing statistics have become a worthless joke. University degrees have been similarly devalued.

Nowadays, if you’ve got money and no brains you’ll get all the degrees and qualifications you want. If you got brains to burn and no money then the educational establishments don’t want to know you. If you get anywhere you have to rely on getting a scholarship to a good school, or working two or three jobs to gather up the money.

A few years ago I was having a meal with a Professor of mine from University days. “How are things with you?” I asked casually as you do, expecting to hear the standard answer like “Fine, what about you?”.

But instead I got a heartfelt reply that went like this.

“Things are terrible,” he started. “The kids these days don’t seem to want to learn anything. They, or their parents pay a lot of money to send them to college and they just don’t seem to care any more. Thank goodness I have only a few more years to go until I can retire. It’s just not the same any more. You have no idea how the standards have dropped. There is no comparison to when you were there.”

On further inquiry I found out that it was not just the kids, the Universities themselves were partly to blame. Everything now was money driven. There were not the same government assistance programs, the standard of the students being accepted was declining rapidly, very few of them even had the basics of a good education any more and the emphasis was on attracting overseas students, many of whom could only speak a little bit of English and could write even less –  because the fees the Universities could charge them were a lot more than for the indigenous variety.

If you think about it, it is a self-defeating spiral downwards. Teaching standards get lowered  –  students get a poorer education  –  some of them become teachers themselves  –  they know less than their predecessors  –  their pupils therefore can only learn less  –  some of them become teachers  –  etc., etc., etc.

I’m wondering now if it can actually reach the stage where nobody knows anything, but when I think about some of the stuff in this blog, maybe we’re already getting close, too close???

Need more proof?

Try this lot of answers from the British GCSE. This is an examination given to sixteen year olds, who by that age should know at least the basics of things. Judge for yourselves from these answers (the spelling mistakes are all theirs):

 

 

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

 

 

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, “Am I my brother’s son?”

 

 

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

 

 

Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

 

 

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

 

 

Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

 

 

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

 

 

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.

 

 

Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

 

 

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”

 

 

Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

 

 

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

 

 

In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

 

 

Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.

 

 

Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”

 

 

The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t have any children.

 

 

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.

 

 

Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

 

 

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

 

 

Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

 

 

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

 

 

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

 

 

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

 

 

The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck byan anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

 

 

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

 

 

Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim’s Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

 

 

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.”. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

 

 

Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

 

 

Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.

 

 

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.

 

 

Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

 

 

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.

 

 

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

 

 

 

You May Feel A Lot Smaller Today, But You Should Feel A Lot Better Too

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 

“The happiest people don’t have the best of everything,

they just make the best of everything they have.”

 

I should warn you that if you haven’t seen it before the subject of today’s post might make you feel a lot smaller than you were before you looked at it. But I hope it inspires you as well. It inspired me to be a more thankful for what I have and to try to do a bit more, with a smile on my face. (Mind you I reserve the right to complain about the SABs!)

First a joke to set the mood today.

 

A guy who had turned down every job he had ever been offered walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says

“Hi…You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job.”

The social worker behind the counter says,

“Really? Your timing is excellent.  We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he’ll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You’ll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year”.

The guy says, “You’re bullshittin’ me!”

The social worker says, “Yeah, well… you started it.”

 

If you are a regular reader of my blog you’ll realize that my tolerance level for stupidity and bureaucracy is rapidly heading towards zero, in fact it may already be there.

I despise, detest, and abhor three types of people, (1) those who think the world owes them a living without them doing a damn thing for themselves, (2) those who are clearly too dumb for the jobs they have been given, and (3) those who make the stupid rules the stupid people try to enforce.

But there’s a flip side to everything. My hatred of the above categories of people is equaled by my admiration of three other groups of people, (1) those who do make the best of what they have, (2) who work hard for themselves and their families, and (3) those who get on with their lives regardless of the obstacles that have been put in their way.

Thankfully there are thousands upon thousands of such good and decent people everywhere in every country. This little fella in the video below is a great example.

As I said above, it may make you feel a bit smaller that you thought you were, but if this doesn’t inspire you and make you take a think about your own life and all the good things you have then, like I always say, “it’s not my fault, there’s something wrong with you!”

 




Been To The Gym Lately?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 

I’m not a member of a gym and no doubt it shows. But although they might have benefits health and fitness wise they are a colossal waste of both money and time. Most people who have gym memberships are either idiots or social climbing idiots. A big statement that I’m sure does not apply to everybody but a big statement that everybody can apply to someone they know. Think about that.

Ever met the woman who has to employ someone to look after her children and clean her house because she hasn’t got the time because she has to go to the gym? If she did look after the kids and give them a bit of quality time and did the housework as well she would get just as much cardio vascular and muscular workout as she’ll ever get at the gym. And her family would be the better for it.

But shallow people like that think that being able to say to their friends I was at the gym last night is a lot more glamorous than saying I was playing with the kids or cleaning the house.

Men are just as bad, maybe sometimes even a bit worse and sadly a good part of it is vanity as in how they’ll look to other men, not women! Woah!

Invariably the gym thing all just a fad and eventually you stop going and your membership lapses.

That is, of course, unless you happen to be an idiot and live in Florida.

You see, a few years ago, this guy in Florida, decided to join a gym. In his own words he said the he thought, “the ridiculous membership fees and that ludicrous up front joining fee would make me workout so I wouldn’t waste the money.”

But it didn’t work out. Within weeks, like most everybody, he was coming up with all sorts of lame pathetic excuses not to go.

Now, if you are a reasonably normal person what happens next is that you stop going to the gym and you let your membership lapse. End of story.

If you are a moron, however, you decide that if money wouldn’t promote you to keep going to the gym, losing your life probably would. But this genius wasn’t talking about the fear of becoming unfit and getting a heart attack or something.

No siree, far to easy.

In an attempt to force himself into a healthy routine of exercise, this Florida dude hired a hit man to kill him if he failed to show up to any of his three weekly workouts for the next five years.

You have to hand it to him that the plan worked extremely well, maybe too well at times. Again in his own words, “There were some times that I truly would have preferred not to go, like that time I had bronchial asthmatic pneumonia. I’ve never had so much dark green mucus running down my face in my life, you should have seen that treadmill afterwards.”

Like most idiots do, he has tried to justify his moronic decision. “With all its ups and downs,” he says, “my only complaint lately is that what I originally thought were expensive gym fees have been over shadowed by the high cost of the hit man.”  

I don’t know whether this is going on or if the five years are already up, or even if this idiot was stupid enough to renew the ‘contract’ on himself.

But if you live in Florida and you know a guy who has been to the gym three times a week EVERY week for the past five years, do him a favor and don’t stick your hand in your inside jacket pocket as you walk up to him.

Now a couple of funny vids.

Enjoy!

Just A Short One

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 

Just a short one today, and no pun or admissions intended, by the way.

Africa is a wonderful continent, full of unbelievable scenery and animals. If like spectacular scenery or to see animals in their natural habitat, and you have the time and the money for an unforgettable vacation, you could do a lot worse than try some of the great safari parks they have.

But that aside, Africa has its problems and many of them. One of those problems is endemic sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancies.

The Republic of South Africa, which would be one of the more modern and progressive countries in the continent unfortunately has it share too. However the government has tried several  initiatives to help to alleviate the situation.

One of these happened in 1999, when David Horowitz, marketing manager of the Society for Family Health in Johannesburg undertook to run a campaign to promote safer sex.

It turned out to be the worst safe-sex campaign  –  EVER!

In fact Horowitz later had to admit that the campaign had actually dramatically increased the danger of sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancy, rather than curtailing them.

The Society for Family Health had distributed thousands of pamphlets in Zulu, Xhosa, English, Sotho and Afrikaans, all featuring the character Johnny the Condom and warning against unprotected sex. A free government condom was attached to the leaflet.

Great job you would think. But think again, is anything the government ever does a ‘good job’? Not really and certainly not in Africa where money is scarce and everyone is trying to make their resources go as far as possible.

“We made a deal with a low-budget distribution company,” Horowitz admitted.

And unfortunately all the condoms had been stapled to the leaflet!

Whoops!!!

 

Whoops!

 

 

And then there is this apparently true story, that happened just a few years ago, of a German couple who went to a fertility clinic after eight years of marriage to try to find out why they’re still childless.

This is hard to believe but the answer was apparently that they weren’t having sex. Yip, that’ll do it every time – er, or not, you know what I mean!

The medical crew at the University Clinic of Lubeck said they’d never heard of a case like it.

Doctors subjected the couple to a series of examinations and found they were both apparently fertile and should have had no trouble conceiving.

“When we asked them how often they had sex, they looked blank and said: ‘What do you mean?’”

“We’re not talking retarded people here, but a couple who were brought up in a religious environment who were simply unaware, after eight years of marriage, of the physical requirements necessary to procreate.’”

The 30-year-old wife and her 36-year-old hapless hubby are now being given sex lessons therapy.

 

 

Have you had similar experiences? No, forget it, I’m not even going to ask the question today…

 

 

Stupidity Is Legal, And That’s Official

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 

You would think that lawyers would be just that little bit smarter than the average Joe. They certainly think they are, and they have received the benefit of a reasonably good and expensive education. But sometimes it is true that you can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear. Sometimes of the people they have to question don’t help matters either.

Here are a few excerpts from actual court transcripts. You may have come across them before in emails, that’s originally how I got most of these. But they are funny and well worth reading again.

I think so anyway.

Enjoy!

 

 

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

 

Trooper

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing

A: Yes.

Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

A: Yes, sir.

Q: What did she say?

A: What disco am I at?

– – – – – – –  – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Doctor (1)

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Doctor (2)

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Really Silly (1)

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Really Silly (2)

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Really Silly (3)

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Date of Birth

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: December twenty fifth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Memory

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you have forgotten?

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Memory take two

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

What’s in a name?

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that Thursday?

A: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Jerry Bartle was arrested and put on trial for robbing a local shop at gunpoint. In his wisdom he decided that he would represent himself in court. He appeared to be doing reasonably well until the shop’s owner took the stand to give his evidence.

She had identified him immediately as the robber, when Bartle jumped up and yelled,

‘You’re lying! I should have blown your head off!’

He paused, then added,

‘If I had been the one that was there.’

The jury found him guilty and Jerry Bartle was sentenced to thirty years imprisonment.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial:

Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q: Officer, who provided this description?

A: The officer, who responded to the alarm.
Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A: Yes sir, with my life.
Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer – do you have a
room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A: Yes sir.
Q: And do you have a locker in that room?

A: Yes sir, I do.
Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?

A: Yes sir.
Q: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?

A: You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

 

 

Have you had similar experiences? Send them along. Let the world know what is happening before it is too late.

 

Willy And Woof!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 

A barking dog is often more useful than a sleeping lion.

 

I’ve always thought the shortened form of the name William was a curious one. If you turn out to be a big guy in later life, say 6 feet tall or better, then you’re fine, but if you happen to end up as closer to the 5 feet mark in stature then the name isn’t so good. Being called ‘Big Willy’ all the time must make for more of a confidence builder than being stuck all your life as ‘Small Willy’ or ‘Wee Willy’.

Fortunately women don’t seem to have the same problem, at least not since the name ‘Fanny’ has gone out of fashion.

This is all by way of introduction to a man I knew called, you’ve probably guessed already, ‘Willy’. He was just medium height and so everybody just called him ‘Willy’ –  to his face that is. Behind his back ‘Willy’ had another nick name.

Willy was a curious bloke. He was by far and away the most disobliging man I have ever had the misfortune to meet. And selfish and bad tempered as well. Everything was about him, what he wanted, and when he wanted it. Nobody else mattered.

And to top it all off, he was as dumb as they come. He never finished school or learned a trade. Any time he was employed it was only for a short while quite frankly because no one could stick his attitude for very long. If he was given a job to do he did it, but as reluctantly and as badly as possible and would never help out any of his colleagues – even when doing so would have helped himself.

Willy was also born with a cleft pallet sometimes known as a ‘hair lip’. In his day the surgical techniques for correcting such an infliction were not as advanced as nowadays and Willy ended up with a quite pronounced speech impediment for the rest of his life.

Eventually though he found a woman desperate enough to take him on and they got married. Her name was Ruth, a nice name. At least it was to everybody but ‘Willy’. For a short time after they were married he called her Ruth, naturally enough, that was her name. But then after a few weeks or months he changed her name (unofficially) to ‘Margaret’, which was not and had never been her name or part of it. But from then on to him she was ‘Margaret’, Ruth was no more.

It wasn’t because he didn’t like her real name, or because he had forgotten it, he wasn’t quite as stupid as that, I don’t think so anyhow. He had an entirely different reason.

It was also the time that ‘Willy’ became known to one and all in the district as “The Dog”.

You see, because of his affliction and consequent speech impediment, ‘Willy’ could not say the name ‘Ruth’ properly – why did he choose a woman with that name to begin with you ask? I think perhaps the number he had to choose from was very small.

When he was out in company, or even just shouting around his own house or garden for his wife, in his head ‘Willy’ was saying ‘Ruth, Ruth’. But what the rest of us heard was only ‘Woof, Woof’.

Now I may be an evil person, I hope not, but this just cracked me up every time I heard it. One ‘Woof’ was funny enough, but when he put two or three of them together, ‘Woof, Woof, Woof’ it was just too much. Absolutely hilarious seeing and hearing this grown man walking about shouting ‘Woof’ like a demented dog. Hence the nickname he got lumbered with for the rest of his days.

Of course all the hilarity made him even crosser than he normally was and the situation was never helped when some of the local wits handed him a dog biscuit when he was in full flight, or tried to feel his nose to see if it was cold, to which he invariably replied ‘WTF’ or in ‘Willy’s’ case make that ‘WTH’!

And that was the tale of Willy And Woof!

 

 

 

Have you had similar experiences? Send them along. Let the world know what is happening before it is too late.

 

Sometimes Dogs Know More Than We Give Them Credit For!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

It’s Friday 13th today apparently. Superstitious people would tell you that that’s bad luck. Well you’re getting yet another blog post from me so I suppose there might be something in it. Not that I’m superstitious in the least – I think being superstitious is bad luck.

On a similar subject to Wednesday’s post about Oscar the Grim Reaper cat, but staying with dogs again, here’s another short story about our German Shepherd dog.

As I think I’ve said already this dog had become a member of the family. He was a great companion and he liked me a lot because I fed him and took him for walks and played in the yard with him and all that good stuff that you do. But nevertheless he was always fonder of my mother than anyone else.

He loved all the family too, of course, and was ultra protective. As you know from yesterday, he did not like strangers at all and was particularly vicious in his distaste for the postman who rolled in every morning about 10 or 10.30 am.

A routine had developed in the house. When the doorbell would sound there was a scramble to get to the front door first. Lots of running and skidding and if truth be told, sometime the breaking of wind could be heard too. And the dog was almost as bad!

He was tail up, barking, growling and pawing at the glass in the door busting to get at whoever it was. I made valiant attempts, but I seldom if ever got there first, although I would capture him at the door and then attend to the visitors.

If the person there was authorized to come inside he allowed it, but reluctantly, and always made sure he was between my mother and the stranger. Never left her side in fact. He never touched anyone, but it did make for some short visits by some of her cronies, not that I was particularly annoyed about that.

At night he would always take up guard duty on the landing outside her bedroom door and that’s where he slept every night.

That routine went on for several years and then unfortunately my mother became ill. As she got worse we moved her downstairs to a study, which was more convenient for everyone and she did not have to cope with the stairs. The dog duly took up sentry position outside that door every night. Eventually one morning she passed away.

Now if you have ever experienced that, one thing that happens is that a lot of people call at the house. And I mean a LOT. It goes on all day. It starts almost immediately when the Doctor calls. Then there are relatives who start to appear. Then the undertaker arrives. Then more people, neighbors, friends, more relatives and so forth. I must say people are incredibly kind at times like that, bringing food, helping to cater for the rest etc.

On a normal day this activity would have caused me a lot of bother running after the dog every time the doorbell sounded and making sure everyone got ushered into the house and then back out again without interference.

However, that morning was completely different. The dog walked away from the bedroom door and went into the dining room and lay down on the floor.

The Doctor arrived. The dog didn’t move, or bark, or even get up. Same with the undertaker and everyone else who arrived. Even when the postman drove in the dog only glanced in the direction of the door but didn’t make a move towards it or the postman.

And that went on the whole day. The only time he got up was when I took him outside for a while for a walk round the yard. Dogs are remarkable animals, especially the intelligent ones. They don’t say much but they are ultra sensitive to people’s moods and what’s happening around them.

In fact sometimes they know a lot more than we give them credit for and frequently they know a lot more than their owners!

The Supernatural Dog That Could Not Be Stopped!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 

Cry “Havoc,” and let slip the dogs of war.

William Shakespeare, ‘Julius Caesar’, Act 3 scene 1

 

I started off today’s blog with a post in mind that was a bit of a follow on to yesterday’s tale about Oscar the cat, but as I gathered my thoughts together another story came to mind which I will share with you first. You’ll get the other tomorrow, all being well. I’m sure you can hardly wait :o)

I was reminded about a friend of mine called Donald. Every time I spoke to Donald he was making arrangements for me to go to his house or him to come to mine. The arrangements very seldom seemed to come off, and I knew why. You see Donald was terrified of dogs, I mean petrified, and consequently always made some sort of excuse for not turning up.

One day, however, he did, along with a mate of his called Harry, who had no such intense fears. They always phoned in advance to make sure I would be at home so I knew about the visit and was prepared.

In our house at that time the front door opened into a fairly large hall. Off the hall, directly facing the front door and slightly to the left, there was a corridor, and separating the two was a mahogany ‘Georgian’ type door, which instead of being solid wood is made in the form of a window to take small glass panes, in this case about about seven inches wide by about nine long.

Why is this important? Well, because normal people in a normal house would have the ‘Georgian’ door glazed, either with clear or ornamental glass, or sometimes a bit of both. However, in my house I hadn’t done any glazing, not because I hadn’t gotten around to it which would usually be the case, but because when it was glazed it made a solid barrier and I couldn’t hear anyone at the front door.

So, as I was saying, Donald and Harry duly arrived. I was prepared and the dog was in the study down the hall, not able to get to the front door, which I opened and let the two guys into the hall.

As I let them in I was all the while reassuring Donald that the dog was down in the study and the door connecting the corridor to the hall was firmly shut so there was no need to worry.

Not quite taking my word for it, Donald’s head peered slowly round the front door, survey the landscape and seeing that the adjoining door was indeed shut got a boost of confidence and courage and walked manly-like into the hall.

We only had to go three or four steps and we were in the sitting room, but then fate took a hand.

The dog heard the strange voices and came to investigate. First he stuck his head around the study door and took a good look at the strangers. The strangers in turn, particularly Donald took an even better look at him and for about a second, maybe two, that was all that happened.

Then the dog decided he needed a closer look and walked towards the door. To my surprise Donald did the same to get a better look at the dog. Strangely enough he liked dogs, and would even have liked one of his own, but he was just so very, very afraid of them.

And then one of those once in a million things happened.

The dog didn’t like the idea of Donald heading in his direction and started to move forwards towards the hall, not running but quite quickly. Until he got to the door, which was firmly closed.

Now you are probably expecting the door to burst open or for the dog to somehow open it. But it was much better than that.

The dog kept on walking towards the door, now starting to bear his teeth a little to emphasize his displeasure at these interlopers in his house. Donald, surprisingly, stood his ground content that he was safe, but only for a couple of seconds, because when the dog got to the door, mysteriously and very ominously for Donald, his head kept on coming into the hall — through the unglazed part of the door that was tightly shut and that poor Donald thought had glass in it.

One and on the dog came. First the nose, then the eyes, then the ears, then the neck, then more of the neck  –  it was all a bit like that scene in Terminator 2 where the liquid metal robot pushes through the locked gate in the mental hospital.

Of course the unglazed panel was far too small to allow the dog’s shoulders and body through, but in Donald’s head there was no time for rational thought, this dog had super powers and could walk through solid objects!

I could partially see the look on Donald’s face. It really was priceless. It had changed from complete confidence, through equally complete disbelief and momentarily he turned his head towards me and his friend Harry with a clear “How can this be? What’s happening? What kind of place is this? Explain it and quick, FFS!” look etched over his face.

But I hadn’t time to answer, not that I could have anyway, I was in stitches laughing at the whole show. Then Donald’s ‘fright & flight’ reaction kicked in and he bolted for the front door clawing furiously at locks and bolts and door handles to get out of this terrifying and inexplicable place.

He never did come back to see me after that!

But did he have some story to tell when he got home.

 

Have you had similar experiences? Send them along. Let the world know what is happening before it is too late.