Posts Tagged ‘working’

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Another fact filled post for you.

The usual random mixture, so pick out the ones you like best.

Enjoy.

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did you know5

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Until 2001 Disney required that all cast members

playing costumed park characters

share communal underwear.

Talk about getting into your pants!

Disney costumed park characters

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Muscle comes from a Latin root meaning ‘little mouse’.

Apparently people used to think muscles

looked like little mice under their skin.

Muscle

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Scotland is as far north as Alaska.

map north america and europe

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NASA lost a Mars orbiter because part of the team

used metric units and the other half used English.

NASA lost a Mars orbiter

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The Chernobyl disaster remains the only level 7 incident

on the International Nuclear Event Scale (INES)

making it the biggest man-made disaster of all time.

Chernobyl disaster

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The US government placed some beer

next to an atomic bomb blast

to determine if it was still drinkable.

The good news is that in the event of a

nuclear war beer is safe to drink.

beer next to an atomic bomb blast

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A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball

(a bit bigger than a cricket ball).

soft ball

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Calvin Coolidge would occasionally press all the buttons in the Oval Office,

sending bells ringing throughout the White House

— and then hide to watch his staff run in.

Apparently he just wanted to see who was working.

Calvin Coolidge

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Men with hairless chests are more likely to

get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.

hairy chest

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A fact in honor of the World Cup currently underway in Brazil.

The word Soccer actually originated in the United Kingdom.

Association Football was shortened to “socca”

(derived from the middle of the word association).

This turned into the word “soccer”

that is still used in the US, Canada, and Australia.

soccer Brazil World Cup 2014

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The day of his assassination,

Martin Luther King Jr.

got in a pillow fight in his hotel room.

Martin Luther King Jr

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Cows have best friends and they tend

to spend most of their time together.

Cows

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The Dutch discovered Australia 100 years before the British

but decided to ignore it because they thought it was a useless desert.

Crikey!

Australia

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There is a ‘zip bomb’ called 42.zip

that is only 42 kilobytes when zipped,

but is 4.5 Petabytes uncompressed.

Be careful clicking on those email attachments!

42.zip

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4’33? (pronounced “Four minutes, thirty-three seconds”

or just “Four thirty-three”) is a three-movement composition

by American experimental composer John Cage

for any instrument or combination of instruments,

and the score instructs the performer(s) not to play their instrument(s)

during the entire duration of the piece throughout the three movements.

Here it is…… No it’s not. What would be the point of that???

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Except to predict that you are about to read another selection of those plays on words we call puns.

You’ve come too far to stop now, so you might as well…..

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl .

First some breaking news:

Apple is to start going door to door in a

new marketing effort to sell more of their products

The new sales team members will be known as

iWitnesses.

iwitnesses

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Just got myself a new job working at the

end of the production line in a vodka factory.

I’m making an Absolut packet.

absolut

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When a married couple fall out

about who makes the best coffee

is it grounds for divorce?

bad_coffee_is_grounds_for_divorce_coffee_mug

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Whenever my car breaks down

I take it to my Scottish friend.

Andy McCannick.

Andy McCannick

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My wife curses uncontrollably

when she chews her gum.

She’s got Nicorettes.

Nicorette Gum

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My boss always asks for help with Excel.

My skills are =A1.

excel2

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I’m having trouble keeping my hands warm

with these new fingerless gloves…

Any tips?

Fingerless_Gloves

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I was sat in my front lounge last night when my ex

drove past and threw a can of paint at my window.

I hate it when women get emulsional.

window splattered with paint

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I went out to the shop earlier to buy a book called

“100 Ways How To Build Confidence”.

I couldn’t buy it though,

the guy at the till would have laughed at me.

100 ways to build confidence

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I switched the letters ‘T’ and ‘K’ on my

computer to make it a little bit different.

Now it’s a QWERKY keyboard.

QWERKY keyboard

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Edward Deidde,

the man who spent his entire life explaining

that his surname was “deed” has collapsed.

He was airlifted to hospital

where he was pronounced dead.

confused-doctor-on-shutterstock

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Silent but deadly farts apparently do not count

as having an air of mystery about me.

Silent but deadly farts

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I told my butler a joke about firing him

because the doorbell rang all day.

He didn’t get it.

butler

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So it turns out ornithologists are not the experts

on sexual arousal I had assumed them to be.

ornithologists

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In case the country gets invaded and I have to quickly hide,

I have a big pop art painting on my wall

that hides a secret panic room.

I call it my handy war hole.

Warhol-Campbell_Soup-1-screenprint-1968

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Another super blooper bundle from the newspapers.

Something in here should rise a smile and provide an embarrassment or two for the editorial staff.

Enjoy.

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np_sorority

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np_spanishtests

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np_sprung_a_leak

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np_stabbed

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np_stickponies

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np_succulentrack

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np_sumosnickers

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np_supreme

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np_taughttoeat

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np_taseredsheep

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Latest edition of the midweek look at the newspaper nightmares. 

The philosophy seems to be that if you are an idiot you should let as many people as possible know!

Enjoy.

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np_pull-out-and-save

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np_pussy

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np_quitsmoking

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np_reportonreports

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np_rimjobs

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np_rosie

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np_sabre

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np_sausagefactory

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np_save

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np_seaman

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np_sexoffender

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np_shoplifter

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np_smallpackage

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np_snack

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Today is a continuation of last Saturday’s post which was about the idiots that we employ these days.

Even when some of them get only one simple job to do they find a way of messing it up.

Lack of pride, concentration, interest, I don’t know, but here are some more of the results.

Enjoy.

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70-schoolsign

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one-job-13

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one-job-14

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one-job-15

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one-job-16

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one-job-17

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one-job-18

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one-job-19

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one-job-20

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one-job-21

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one-job-22

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one-job-23

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257-backtoschool

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one-job-12

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I’m not sure what exactly happened or when it happened but things have changed in the employment world.

It used to be when you gave someone a job they were thankful not only for the opportunity to work and earn some money, but also for the chance to do something and better themselves. They had pride in what they did no matter what their job was.

Some of that still exists. But it is rare. Today many people seem to just want the money and couldn’t care less about the work they do.

It’s a pity and it is a terrible thing for the country as a whole. Whether it will ever change or not I don’t know. For what it’s worth my opinion is that once standards are lost they are very difficult to regain.

Having said all that, however, if you can momentarily set aside the frustration of trying to work with the dumb asses you have to employ these days it can sometimes make life a bit more amusing.

Here are a few examples.

Enjoy.

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one-job-01

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one-job-02

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one-job-03

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one-job-04

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one-job-05

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one-job-06

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one-job-07

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one-job-08

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one-job-09

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one-job-11

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one-job-10

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Okay, wipe that smirk off your faces.

Of course I haven’t run out of puns. Whoever would believe such a thing.

And just to prove it, here are some more.

Enjoy, I know you will.

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I ate the burger with relish.

Relish_LargeLogo

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Q: Why did Mozart kill all his chickens ?

A: Because all they would say was ” Bach , Bach ………Bach , Bach”

bachbachbach

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You say that this beverage is non-alcoholic.

But where is the proof?

non alcoholic drink

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The best vitamin for making friends is B-1.

vitamin-b1

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When they said I was mad I went out and got drunk.

I guess it was a choice between having a bottle in front of me

or a frontal lobotomy.

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy

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When the artist tried to draw a cube he had a mental block.

mentalBlock

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Coffee is for mugs

coffee mug

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Just been on bigbustycoons.com

Damn, those guys have really good bus companies.

bus companies

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My wife shouted upstairs, “The sun’s just come out.”

I thought great, threw on some shorts and

flip flops and shot down the stairs.

I was rather shocked when I got down to find

our lad holding hands with his mate Michael.

out of the closet

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There’s no denying it, Rap is 75% Crap

rap crap

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I just saw an advert for the new film: ‘The Hole – Now in 3D!’

Well, surely it has to be in 3D otherwise it’s just a circle.

3d_hole

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You invented White Out didn’t you?

Correct me If I’m wrong….

whiteout

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A lot of stupid people who don’t keep up with current

affairs still don’t know who Kim Jong Un is.

Duhhh, she is the leader of North Korea.

KimJongUnasWoman

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An unnamed weatherman has reacted angrily to being

sacked because he always gives cold gloomy forecasts.

So I guess it’s no more mist and ice guy.

weatherman

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Q. What makes a riot?

A. Three dyslexics.

dyslexia

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A colleague just burst into my office

while I was busy working

and demanded to know what an

electrical synapse in the human body was.

The nerve.

neuron

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Did you hear about the guy who got his thrills

by shoving resistors up his bottom.

He definitely sounds like an Ohmosexual to me.

ohm and resistance symbol

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My internet bride got delivered today.

She’s the WiFi always dreamed of.

WiFi Bride

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If you were lost in fog, would you be mist?

lost in fog

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Finally some news from this week on the stock market.

Helium was up, but feathers were down.

Paper was stationary, but pencils lost a few points.

Elevators rose but escalators continued their slow decline.

Switches were off and mining equipment hit rock bottom.

The raisin market has dried up.

Pampers remained unchanged while Sun peaked at mid-day.

Andrex tissues touched a new bottom.

stock_market

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Another mid-week selection of linguistic catastrophes in the form of newspaper headlines that went sadly wrong.

I bet the authors were congratulating themselves when they wrote them on how clever they had been.

Sorry (at them), but hurrah to us, they had quite the opposite result.

Enjoy.

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np_dianastillalive

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np_drycleanersworkingonsamespotforyears

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np_dwis

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np_federalagents

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np_firmlosesairport

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np_fishneedwater

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np_funeralhomesbring

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np_gascompanybehindbeans

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np_helppeoplewithgas

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np_homocidevictims

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np_hospitalshiredoctors

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np_housearrest

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np_Kayakinghardwithfrozenwater

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np_lawyersback

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, that’s right, The primary responsibility for a child’s education is apparent.

But everyone’s education would not be complete without a healthy dose of puns.

Always here to help, here’s today’s selection.

Enjoy!

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I went into a fancy dress shop and asked the woman

working there if they had any ghost costumes.

She said “We don’t sell those, I’m afraid.”

Stupid woman. They’re not that scary.

ghost-towel

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ABC NEWS:

French Chef commits suicide after critic’s attack.

After further investigation it turns out

he simply lost the huile d’olive.

huile-d-olive

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I went to a really posh school.

In fact, the school was so posh that the Gym was called James.

gym cartoon

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I have a friend who’s half Indian.

Ian.

half indian

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Cleavage is the only thing that you can look down on

and approve of at the same time.

cleavage

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My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday because of my obsession.

She said, “I’m sick of it. You actually believe that you’re a Transformer.

It’s stupid. I’ve had enough and I’m leaving you.”

I said, “But, Baby, I can change.”

She said, “There you go again!”

Transformer

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I put a couple of ‘t’s in my beer last night.

I think it made it better.

BeerBetter

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Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?

air and space museum

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I put a wooden desk and a blackboard in my bedroom.

You know, to make it more classy.

school desk

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I was only young when I learned to count.

It was odd at first, even then.

cartoon-numbers-set

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In a cave, I found pictures of women’s breasts,

but when I picked them up, a giant net fell on me.

Damn booby trap.

booby_traps_by_vmv_81-d3ickn1

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I make £1,000,000 a month cleaning Windows.

I invented Norton Anti-virus.

Norton

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My parents gave me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday yesterday.

I couldn’t find the words to thank them.

dictionary

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I never let my children watch big band performances on TV.

Too much sax and violins.

sax_and_violins

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There’s one thing I can’t stand when I’m drunk.

Up!

drunk

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Einstein eventually developed a theory about space.

And it was about time too.

albert_einstein_328565

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I’m so broke at the moment that all I can

afford to eat are herbs my mate has lent me.

I’m living on borrowed thyme.

thyme

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I’ve just seen a group on Facebook called, ‘I hate feet’.

Obviously these people are fans of the metric system.

metric-system-copyright-Allan-Inman

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Talking to her about computer hardware,

makes my mother board.

motherboard

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My wife has packed her bags and gone –

just because of my fetish with touching pasta.

I’m feeling cannelloni right now.

pasta

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, pun day again. For all of you who love (and hate) puns or word play.

Today we are starting off on the topical subject of employment, but there are plenty of other subjects that get the pun treatment as well.

Enjoy (even if you are pretending not to).

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My first job was working in an orange juice factory,

but I got canned

I just couldn’t concentrate.

OJ concentrate

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack,

but I just couldn’t hack it,

so they gave me the axe.

lumberjack

After that I tried to be a tailor,

but I just wasn’t suited for it.

The job was only so-so anyhow.

tailor

Next I tried working in a muffler factory,

but that was exhausting.

muffler

I wanted to be a barber,

but I just couldn’t cut it.

barber

I attempted to be a deli worker,

but any way I sliced it,

I couldn’t cut the mustard.

deli_clerk

My best job was being a musician,

but eventually I found I wasn’t note worthy.

musician

I studied a long time to become a doctor,

but I didn’t have any patience.

cartoon-doctor

Next was a job in a shoe factory;

but it just wasn’t the right fit.

 shoemaker

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I became a professional fisherman,

but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

cartoon-fisherman 

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I thought about becoming a witch,

so I tried that for a spell.

cartoon-witch

 

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I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company,

but the work was just too draining.

pool man

 

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After many years of trying to find steady work,

I finally got a job as a historian,

until I realized there was no future in it.

historian

 

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My last job was working at Starbucks,

but I had to quit,

because it was always the same old grind.

 starbucks

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If you get sick at the airport

you may have a terminal illness.

airport cartoon

 

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Peter won’t fly on virgin airlines

he says he won’t go with anything

that doesn’t go all the way!

 Virgin Atlantic

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You may be an American outside the bathroom,

but inside, European.

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toilet-space-cartoon

 

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Do you know any puns about electricity?

About watt?

short_circuit

 

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A woman asked me for an example of a double entendre

…. so I gave her one….

double entendre

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