Posts Tagged ‘wife’

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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And the best time for puns is today!

By the way, no liability accepted, so try not to hurt yourselves laughing.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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I threw out my vacuum cleaner last week.

It was just gathering dust.

vacuum cleaner

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I work for the hospital dealing with

moving patients between different areas.

It’s a rewarding job.

moving patients

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I’ve had to break up with my imaginary girlfriend.

I’ve started seeing someone else.

my imaginary girlfriend

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My wife always cooks our Christmas Ham in a bottle of wine.

I have no idea how she gets it in there, but it tastes brilliant.

Christmas Ham

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What’s the difference between ‘Approximately’ and ‘Roughly’?

Men are never accused of treating women approximately.

Approximately Roughly

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After battling for years to overcome

my addiction to alcohol gel,

I’m finally clean.

alcohol gel

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Grandad was talking about getting

a hip replacement for my Grandma.

“Someone younger and trendier,” he said,

“Like Megan Fox or Mila Kunis.”

Megan Fox

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I wasn’t always into peer pressure……

My friends got me into it.

peer pressure

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Ever since I took the rear view mirror out of the car

…..I’ve never looked back

the rear view mirror

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I sat down on the settee today to relax and watch a bit of football,

but the picture on the telly was so terrible I couldn’t bear it.

I hate wedding photos.

wedding photos

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I typed an essay in Word about a concerned Bugs Bunny.

I then saved it as ‘Whats Up.doc’

whats-up-doc

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If you like wordplay jokes about pissing

then urine for a treat.

jokes about pissing

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I’ve been offered a job by the government’s Department of New Words.

It’s a fantastic opporchancity.

opporchancity

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I’ve just opened a casino for dogs.

They can play roulette, poker, blackjack

and a host of other games all under one roof.

They have to go outside for craps though.

dogs_poker

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Finally for this week,

and with a certain blog friend in mind,

what did the three campanologists who

fell off a bridge in Paris, France start playing?

“I’m ringing in the Seine, just ringing in the Seine…”

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Are you are looking for some really funny jokes?

Well, never mind.

Try these instead.

It’s Pun Day!

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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I just saw a bird playing chess in the park.

Toucan play at that game.

toucan

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If a vacuum is a volume of space

that contains no matter or particles,

why did someone bother to invent a cleaner for it?

vacuum cleaner

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My son got straight A’s in his italics exam.

Which actually cost him quite a few marks.

straight A's

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24 years ago today the doctor delivered me.

I can’t believe I’ve survived so long without a liver.

liver

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I just bought my 6 month old son one of those baby bouncers.

£10 an hour but he keeps the kid safe

bouncer

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My wife used to be a regular customer at McDonalds.

These days, she’s more of a large.

McDonalds

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Hearing aid for sale.

Give me a shout if you’re interested.

Man uses an ear trumpet

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A man came up to me and said,

“Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.”

I said, “That is very annoying.”

He said, “Well I can only apologize.”

sorry

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I’m lucky, I can always count on my wife.

She wears a lot of beads.

a lot of beads

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“What’s done cannot be undone.”

They obviously didn’t have shoelaces in Shakespeare’s day.

What's done cannot be undone

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So these two morons were making fun

of an old guy on the bus yesterday.

My friend said,

“You have to respect him, he’s a Vietnam vet.”

They just said

“What’s it to us if he helps animals in Vietnam.”

Vietnam vet

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Why did I say I’d win that giant butterfly contest?

Me and my big moth.

big_AZZ_moth

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I just saw two bits of sellotape stuck to a lamppost.

Must have been a missing poster.

funny-missing-picture

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My girlfriend was devastated to find out

that my friends call me

‘The Love Machine’

because I’m terrible at tennis.

terrible at tennis

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Finally for today, this ring cymbalizes so much to me.

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http://instantrimshot.com/index.php?sound=rimshot&play=true

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I couldn’t make my mind for a while whether that title was a pun or a fabulous fact.

But it’s Pun Day, so a play on words it is.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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My uncle works for a company

that makes bicycle wheels.

He’s the Spokesman.

bicycle wheel spokes

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Police, “You’re under arrest for trespassing.”

Me, “On what grounds?”

no trespassing sign

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I know a guy who in his spare time likes to dress up as a knight,

and jump over 20 parked cars on a horse.

I call him Medieval Knievel.

Medieval Knight

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Having fake teeth.

That’ll denture confidence

dentures

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I actually tried plane sailing the other day….

It’s not as easy as it’s made out to be.

cartoon plane sailing

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Why do elephants have big ears?

Because Noddy wouldn’t pay the ransom.

Big Ears

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My wife always gets annoyed when I leave her out.

Especially if it’s raining.

woman in rain

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Arkansas is just Kansas with pirates.

Pirates

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Once when I was in Chicago I did 35 press-ups in a row…

The elevator attendant looked pretty annoyed.

elevator buttons

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I’ve spent my entire life researching the multiples of zero,

my career has amounted to nothing. 

lots of zeros

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I asked my friend the other day, “Where’s your mum from?”

He replied, “Alaska.”

I said, “Don’t worry, I’ll ask her myself.”

Alaska

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I saw a man with a trolley

full of horseshoes and rabbits’ feet earlier,

trying to get it up a hill.

I thought, “He’s pushing his luck.”

horseshoes and rabbits' feet

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Some people say it’s sick and perverted to be a flasher.

I think it shows a lot of balls.

cartoon flasher

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A Zen master once said to me,

“Do the opposite of whatever I tell you.”

So I didn’t.

cartoon zen master

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I was referred to Dr. Dre the other day,

I have to go in for a hip-hoperation.

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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No, sorry, no points if you said it was Quiz Day, even though you are right.

Twenty more challenging questions for you to ponder over.

So get a pot of coffee going and try you hand at these.

As usual, if you get stuck, you can find the answers waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but please NO cheating!

Enjoy and good luck.

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Quiz 07

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Q.  1:  You’ve heard of tasers, you’ve probably seen videos of them on TV or YouTube, but what do the letters ‘T-A-S-E-R’ stand for?

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Q.  2:  Out of the 40,000 men who served on U-boats during World War II, approximately how many returned safely?

            a) 100%            b) 75%            c) 50%            d) 25%            e) 15%

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Q.  3:  When did the Cold War end?

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Q.  4:  On which side of a venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats?

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Q.  5:  To which country do the Galapagos Islands belong?

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Q.  6:  What member of Britain’s Royal Family was assassinated whilst sailing from Mullaghmore in Ireland in 1979?

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Q.  7:  Harry Potter is a very famous and successful series of seven fantasy novels, who wrote them?

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Q.  8:  Does a merry-go-round turn clockwise or counter-clockwise?

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Q.  9:  Which popular dried fruit is named after a port city in Greece?

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Q. 10:  Currently the highest priced painting in the world with a sales price equivalent to something in the region of $300 million, ‘The Card Players’ was painted by whom?

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Q. 11:  The old name for this island country stems from the Latin word for beautiful, what is it called today?

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Q. 12:  Complete the title of each of the following Hans Christian Andersen fairy tales. (And yes, you get a point for each correct answer.)

           a) The Red …..    b) The Emperor’s …  …….    C) The Steadfast …  …….

           d) The Princess And …  …    and,  e) The Wild …..

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Q. 13:  Some wills are strange, which very famous man left his wife his second best bed?

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Q. 14:  It’s the name of a dessert, the largest city in North Carolina, USA, and the wife of King George III – what is it?

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Q. 15:  Which of the following was NOT the name of a Chinese dynasty?

            a) Qing     b) Xin     c) Ming     d) Jin      e) Ching     or, e)  Tang

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Q. 16:  What huge sporting tournament begins June 14th this year?

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Q. 17:  Who was the first US President to have electricity in the White House?

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Q. 18:  What are very small clouds that look like they have been broken off of bigger clouds called?

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Q. 19:  He was the mythical founder of the city of Rome and the slayer of his twin brother. His name was also used for a war-like race of aliens in the series Star Trek. What was his name? (And a bonus point on offer if you can also correctly name his twin brother.)

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Q. 20:  It was the end of Napoleon’s career and the start of ABBA’s, what was it?

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  You’ve heard of tasers, you’ve probably seen videos of them on TV or YouTube, but what do the letters ‘T-A-S-E-R’ stand for?

A.  1:  ‘Taser’ – Stands for ‘Thomas A Swift Electric Rifle’.

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Q.  2:  Out of the 40,000 men who served on U-boats during World War II, approximately how many returned safely?

            a) 100%            b) 75%            c) 50%            d) 25%            e) 15%

A.  2:  The correct answer is d) 25%. Out of the 40,000 men who served on U-boats during WWII, only approximately 10,000 returned safely.

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Q.  3:  When did the Cold War end?

A.  3:  This year (2014) is the 25th anniversary of the end of the Cold War, so take a point if you said ‘1989’.

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Q.  4:  On which side of a venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats?

A.  4:  It’s on the left.  

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Q.  5:  To which country do the Galapagos Islands belong?

A.  5:  Ecuador.

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Q.  6:  What member of Britain’s Royal Family was assassinated whilst sailing from Mullaghmore in Ireland in 1979?

A.  6:  Earl Mountbatten.

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Q.  7:  Harry Potter is a very famous and successful series of seven fantasy novels, who wrote them?

A.  7:  The Harry Potter series was written by the British author J. K. Rowling.

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Q.  8:  Does a merry-go-round turn clockwise or counter-clockwise?

A.  8:  Counter-clockwise.

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Q.  9:  Which popular dried fruit is named after a port city in Greece?

A.  9:  Corinthians (after the port city Corinth).

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Q. 10:  Currently the highest priced painting in the world with a sales price equivalent to something in the region of $300 million, ‘The Card Players’ was painted by whom?

A. 10:  Paul Cézanne.

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Q. 11:  The old name for this island country stems from the Latin word for beautiful, what is it called today?

A. 11:  The old name was ‘Formosa’, but the island nation is now known as Taiwan or officially the Republic of China.

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Q. 12:  Complete the title of each of the following Hans Christian Andersen fairy tales. (And yes, you get a point for each correct answer.)

           a) The Red …..    b) The Emperor’s …  …….    C) The Steadfast …  …….

           d) The Princess And …  …    and,  e) The Wild …..

A. 12:  The five answers are     a) The Red SHOES    b) The Emperor’s NEW CLOTHES

           c) The Steadfast TIN SOLDIER   d) The Princess And THE PEA    e) The Wild SWANS

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Q. 13:  Some wills are strange, which very famous man left his wife his second best bed?

A. 13:  There was a clue in the question, the answer is Will Shakespeare.

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Q. 14:  It’s the name of a dessert, the largest city in North Carolina, USA, and the wife of King George III – what is it?

A. 14:  Charlotte.

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Q. 15:  Which of the following was NOT the name of a Chinese dynasty?

            a) Qing     b) Xin     c) Ming     d) Jin      e) Ching     or, e)  Tang

A. 15:  They are all the names of Chinese dynasties except for e) Ching which I just made up! Take a point if you answered e).

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Q. 16:  What huge sporting tournament begins June 14th this year?

A. 16:  The football (soccer) World Cup.

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Q. 17:  Who was the first US President to have electricity in the White House?

A. 17:  Benjamin Harrison was the first president to have electricity in the White House. However, he was so scared of getting electrocuted that he would never touch the light switches himself.

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Q. 18:  What are very small clouds that look like they have been broken off of bigger clouds called?

A. 18:  Very small clouds that look like they have been broken off of bigger clouds are called ‘scuds’.

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Q. 19:  He was the mythical founder of the city of Rome and the slayer of his twin brother. His name was also used for a war-like race of aliens in the series Star Trek. What was his name? (And a bonus point on offer if you can also correctly name his twin brother.)

A. 19:  His name was ‘Romulus’. His twin brother’s name was ‘Remus’.

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Q. 20:  It was the end of Napoleon’s career and the start of ABBA’s, what was it?

A. 20:  Waterloo.

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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A nice holiday in Nice, how nice.

Yes, pun day again folks.

Strap yourselves in and…..

Enjoy or endure!

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Working as a cake waiter at a wedding,

I saw the most beautiful girl from across the room.

I immediately took a fancy to her.

fancy

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What berries do fat people enjoy the most?

Cadburys!

Cadburys-Dairy-Milk

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Guess what is in the middle of nowhere…

‘h’

 

nowhere

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I got bullied as a child for having glasses.

Every other kid in the neighborhood could only afford paper cups.

disposable-paper-cups-glasses

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A female police officer used a taser gun on me yesterday.

She was stunning.

taser

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Two hours ago I told my kid to shut his mouth and eat his supper.

The poor boy is still sitting at the table trying to figure out how to do it.

cartoon kid mouth shut

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I was supposed to go for a job interview

as a camouflage expert last week.

I didn’t turn up, and I got the job!

camouflage expert

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Did you hear the one about the depressed frog?

He wanted to kermit suicide.

kermit

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I caught my wife with another man last night.

Don’t worry though, it’s a trapeze act.

trapeze act

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I accidently left an apple outside my local Doctor’s surgery.

Now I’m worried he won’t be able to get in.

an apple a day keeps the doctor away

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I’m considering becoming a mind reader.

What are your thoughts?

mind reader

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I’ve just invented a machine that can immediately

tell you what condition a painting is in.

It’s state-of-the-art technology.

state of the art

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When you type

“Missing medieval servant”  

into Google it comes up with

“Page not found”

Page

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A man walked into a bar and ordered half a coke.

The barman said “OK”.

half a coke

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I went into the music store earlier and asked the guy

behind the counter if they had anything by Run DMC.

“Walk this way,” he replied.

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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In case you hadn’t guessed from the title, it’s Pun Day again.

Another selection of great jokes or terrible jokes depending on your point of view.

So get those groans ready.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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The time will never be wrong.

Not on my watch.

Omega watch

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I used to live in a normal house,

but then steps were taken to make it into a bungalow.

Bungalow

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My dog has just eaten my entire James Bond DVD collection.

Luckily I managed to beat The Living Daylights out of him.

The Living Daylights

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I got an answering machine today but I think it’s broken.

I’ve asked it loads of questions and nothing’s happening.

answering machine

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My wife lost her Tampax and got really angry.

I hate it when she loses her rag.

Tampax

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I’ve finally remembered the word that

I’ve been thinking about for two weeks.

It’s ‘fortnight.’

fortnight

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Me and my mate are having a competition

to see who can steal the most dog related stuff

from next door’s house.

I’ve just taken the lead….

DOG_LEAD

 

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They call me Mr Rhetorical.

Can you guess why?

Rhetorical question stems

I’m looking to start up my own business,

recycling discarded chewing gum.

Just need help getting it off the ground.

discarded chewing gum on sidewalk

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My whisky kept going missing so I confronted the wife.

She told me that the guilty party was the family dog.

I found it staggering.

drunk dog

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I lost my job today because I said the office is full of assholes.

Bit of an overreaction to my opinion about a TV program I think.

the office

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What’s black and gets abused 24/7

on social networking sites?

Punctuation!

Punctuation

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I’m a much better fighter now that I have a blackbelt.

I was hopeless when my trousers kept falling down.

trousers kept falling down

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Shopping for antiques won’t make you gay,

but it will make you buy curios.

Shopping for antiques

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A lady at the supermarket asked me if I’ve ever drunk orange juice with pulp.

I said, “No, but I once had coffee with The Bluetones.”

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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They say ignorance is bliss and to a great extent I think that is correct.

I’m not sure you could say puns are bliss, but some of us seem to enjoy them, and for those who do here are some more.

Enjoy or endure.

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rofl

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I’ve trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine.

It’s a Bordeaux collie.

Bordeaux collie

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My friend asked me to get him a job at the opticians.

He knew I had the contacts.

contact lenses

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I’ve just opened a shoe shop.

So far I’ve successfully kept everyone away from it.

empty shoe shop

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I applied for a job in Australia

I think I have the necessary koalafications.

koalafications

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During a spelling test, our teacher told us to write down ‘to capitalize’.

That one was too easy I thought, as I wrote ‘I I’.

spelling test1

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I used to smoke Benson & Hedges, but then I changed brands.

It’s all been Dunhill from there.

Dunhill

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I just bought a Swiss car.

It runs like clockwork,

but I can’t figure out how to get it out of neutral.

clockwork car

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I’ve decided to make money writing dieting books.

I’m told they appeal to a very wide audience.

diets-dieters-diet_books

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I laid flowers for mother at the wrong tombstone.

It was a grave mistake.

wrong tombstone

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An apostrophe is the difference between

a business that should know its shit,

and a business that should know it’s shit.

apostrophe

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A few people are complaining about the new

lightning conductor at the concert hall.

A lot of the orchestra can’t keep up with him.

Conductor

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I fixed my wife up with a new job the other day

– as a human cannonball.

She went ballistic!

human cannonball

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I made a hotel out of little cheesy biscuits.

It’s not exactly the Ritz.

Ritz crackers

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I went to the doctor feeling ill and he said

“Lie down and cover yourself in salt.”

“How will that help?” I asked.

“Don’t know,” he said. “But in a week’s time you’ll be cured”.

curing salt

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Deleted scene from Alien:

“I can’t open the milk!”

“In space, no-one can. Here, use cream.”

alien_1979_tom_skerritt_sigourney_weaver

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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If failure is path of least persistence, you can’t accuse me of failing to stick up for puns.

This series has already been going a lot longer than I ever imagined.

Will it ever end?

Eventually I suppose.

But not this week.

So enjoy or endure some more!

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rofl

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It’s your attitude and not your aptitude

that determines your altitude.

attitude and not your aptitude

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Last night I had a dream that a silicon chip and

a hard drive conditionally offered to bring my dinner over.

If memory serves me.

silicon chip

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It’s been decided that there will be a

new gay wing of the Government.

They’re starting with the Homo Office.

gay cartoon

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Who is the worst chicken killer in Shakespeare?

Macbeth. He did murder most foul.

Macbeth

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L’Oreal camouflage paint.

Because you’re war fit.

L'Oreal because you're worth it

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My wife gave me a leaflet about

anger management last week…

I lost it.

anger management leaflet

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People hang on my every word.

Probably why I lost my job at the Samaritans.

Samaritans_logo

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Two old ladies knocked on my door,

selling the bible and brown bread,

they were the Hovis witnesses!

Hovis witnesses

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I’ve got an idea for a new interactive reality TV show.

It’s called ‘Bone Idol’.

I can’t be bothered to send it in though.

Bone Idol

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At the recent winter Olympics, as the rest of the

bobsleigh team prepared for their first run,

the brake man suddenly fell to the floor clutching his leg.

“Go on without me,” he cried.

“I’ll only slow you down.”

Bobsleigh

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Drilling for oil is boring.

canada_oildrilling

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I used to run a dating agency for chickens.

But I was struggling to make hens meet.

chickenspeed

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Did you hear about the Frenchman

who could only count to seven?

He had a huit allergy.

cartoon frenchman

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Cool, although I just barley got it…a little corny….

I can’t help it, they just keep cropping up….

me_so_corny_corn_cob_sticker

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A bulb walks into an airport without any bags

wearing nothing but a shirt, sandals, and a hat.

The check in girl looks at him and says,

“Travelling light?”

The bulb says “Yes, I am.”

light bulb

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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5/3rds? That’s almost half, isn’t it?

But never mind all that, today isn’t about mathematics, it’s about puns.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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Recently got myself a symphony orchestra but for some reason

all they eat is lemons and strawberry shortcake.

They’re called the Bittersweet Symphony.

Bittersweet Symphony

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My brother just got his exam results

for his Double Equine Studies.

He got a G G.

GG

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My friend’s wife started her job on a cruise ship last week.

I asked him, “How is she getting on?”

He replied, “I’m not sure, I think they use a crane.”

crane

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Did you hear about the two clams

who went out on a cheap date?

They were just being shellfish.

clam-thumb-460x260

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Two geologists were staring

at a huge fissure in a cliff face

and one was overheard to say

‘It’s not my fault’.

fissure in cliff face

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I once tried telling a joke about bad postmen,

the delivery was all wrong.

cartoon-postman-running-away-from-a-dog-he-is-dropping-his-letters

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When an actress saw her first strands of

gray hair she thought she’d dye.

first grey hair

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Paddy took two stuffed dogs he had

on to the Antiques Road Show

“Ooooh,” says the presenter.

“This is a very rare breed.”

“Do you have any idea what they’d fetch

if they were in good condition?”

“I dunno.” says Paddy.

“Sticks?”

roadshow2

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My doctor reckons I’m paranoid.

He didn’t say it,

but I know he’s thinking it.

paranoid

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An elderly man with Alzheimer’s walks into a bar

and sees a rather tasty elderly woman.

He walks over and sits beside her and says,

“Do I come here often?”

old man cartoon

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It’s really difficult to find what you want on eBay.

I was searching for cigarette lighters

and found over 15,000 matches.

match and cigarette lighter

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.

Scientist:

“My findings are pointless when taken out of context.”

Media:

“Scientist claims ‘findings are pointless’.”

cartoon scientist

.

.

My friend was sacked yesterday

for sexual harassment.

No one understands why,

he was always hard at work.

hard at work

.

.

My friend just told me he saw a midget climbing

over the wall of the prison on a bed sheet.

I told him he was a little con descending.

midget

.

.

So the young teenage girl says to her mother,

“I think I’m pregnant.”

“What?” exclaims the mother.

“But we had a talk about this.”

“I told you if a boy touches your breast you are to say ‘STOP’

and if he tries to touch you down there your are to say ‘DON’T’.”

“But Mom,” the girl replies.

“He touched them both at the same time.”

“And I shouted ‘DON’T’  ‘STOP’.”

mom-daughter-cartoon

.

============================================

.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Let’s not get into a discussion on marriage.

Rather just investigate some more of those word plays we call puns.

Enjoy or endure!

.

rofl

.

Did you hear about the two crooks who bought a hotel.

They were inn-mates.

cell-mates

.

.

“This fishing tackle tastes disgusting!”

he said with baited breath.

fishing tackle

.

.

So the barman says to Paddy,

“Your glass is empty, would you like another one?”

“Another one?” Paddy replies,

“Sure what would I want with two empty glasses?”

in bar

.

.

In America,

2pac’s of Eminem’s cost 50 Cents.

That’s Ludacris.

ludacris

.

.

We’ve got neighbors from Hell

A lovely old Norwegian couple…

Images of Norway

.

.

“I had a vision out of the cornea of my eye

that you would be a great pupil,”

the teacher said.

eye

.

.

My wife had one of those near death experiences last night

Silly woman thought she could vacuum the floors

while the super bowl was on.

vacuum cleaner

.

.

When a college dormitory exploded

a lot of roomers were flying.

kaboom

.

.

CNN News “Tree Falls On Bank”

Didn’t say what branch though.

tree falls on building

.

.

When Billy was sent to prison the first thing he said

to his cell mate was, “I won’t be in here long”

“Well the judge gave you six years,” his cell mate said.

“Yeah I know,” Billy replied. “But my wife will break me out

she’s never let me finish a sentence before.”

law-order-gaol-gaols-prisons-crime-criminal-ksmn2964l

.

.

By the way,

I’m hosting a charity evening and raffle this Saturday evening

to raise money for people who struggle to reach orgasm.

If you can’t come let me know.

raffle_tickets

.

.

What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony.

(Get it? No shins, Toe-Knee.)

man with no shins

.

.

My son just asked, “Dad, can you tell me what gay means?”

“It means to be happy,” I replied.

“Are you gay, dad?”

“No, son. I married your mother!”

father and son

.

.

My route to work has been scattered with average speed cameras.

You’d think the tight asses would have shelled out for the decent ones.

average speed camera

.

.

I’m just off for a meeting with an Indian car maker.

Tata.

Tata-Motors

.

.

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.