Posts Tagged ‘Travel’

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

In truth nothing much to do with August, except that’s the months we are now in and you have to call these posts something.

But don’t let that deter you from finding out a few more interesting facts.

Here they are.

.

fact 01

.

You have over 100,000 km of blood vessels in your brain.

That’s enough to wrap around the world 4 times.

The arteries of the brain

.

.

Poinsettias are not lethal.

If your pet is silly enough to eat one,

it may upset its stomach but it won’t kill anything.

christmas-poinsettia-flowers

.

.

Allan Pinkerton,

famous for creating the Pinkerton detective agency

died of an infection after biting his tongue

when he slipped on a sidewalk.

Allan Pinkerton

.

.

Your ears secrete more earwax when

you are afraid than when you aren’t.

afraid more earwax

.

.

Chewing gum doesn’t take 7 years to digest.

It actually can’t be digested at all

and will pass right through you as is.

guy_chewing_gum

.

.

It takes a photon, on average, 170,000 years

to travel from the core of the sun to the surface.

Then it takes just 8 minutes

from the sun’s surface to your eyes.

a photon

.

.

The radiation leak from the Chenobyl nuclear reactor accident

caused the nearby forest to turn a bright ginger color,

thus the forest was named the “Red Forest”.

 

red forest

.

.

The Tinkerbelle that flies across the sky during the

Disney fireworks show is sometimes a man.

Tinkerbell fireworks display Disney

.

.

According to researchers,

who have not been there and don’t know what they are talking about,

the center of our galaxy tastes like raspberries and smells like rum.

raspberry and rum galaxy

.

.

According to astronauts,

who have been there and do know what they are talking about,

space smells like seared steak, hot metal, and welding fumes.

astronaut space-smell

.

.

On Sept. 2, 1944, George H W Bush was flying over Japan

when his aircraft was shot down in the Pacific.

Bush and another crewman were able to bail out,

but the other man’s parachute malfunctioned,

and he went down with the plane.

Bush was eventually rescued by a

submarine off the coast of Chichi-jima.

George H W Bush WWII

.

.

There are roughly 7,000 languages

estimated to still be spoken on Earth.

About 2,400 of them are in danger of going extinct.

In fact, one goes extinct every 14 days.

7,000 languages

.

.

War comes from a Germanic root

that meant “to confuse”

war

.

.

For a long time people speculated over the identity

of the secret informant behind the Watergate Scandal,

codenamed “Deep Throat”.

Recently he was revealed to be

former FBI associate director Mark Felt.

FBI associate director Mark Felt

.

.

Michael Holmes, the youngest man

to have ever received a skydiving instructor certification,

saw his young career almost come to an end

when on December 2006 a skydive jump went horribly wrong.

Due to faulty ropes, Holmes’ main and reserve parachutes

failed to deploy sending him spiraling out of control

towards certain death.

However, thanks to a blackberry bush,

Holmes was able to survive the fall

with only a punctured lung and a shattered ankle.

This horrifying experience was all captured on camera.

Here it is….

.

.

=====================================

.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Farnborough Airc Show 2014 logo

In the summer in Farnborough in Hampshire, England one of the biggest events in the aviation industry takes place. It’s call the Farnborough Air Show.

I remember when I used to work in that industry helping to prepare invitations, information packs, and all the usual PR stuff. Farnborough is THE place to meet and greet both those who buy aircraft and those firms like Boeing and AIrbus who build them and provide tens of thousands of jobs for smaller companies.

So it is an important event.

At this year’s show they named the world’s best airline, in fact they named the top ten best airlines.

And despite the United States building some of the best airplanes in the world, and despite the United States having some of the world’s largest and busiest airlines, do you know how many United States airlines made it into the top ten?

The title of this post probably gave it away. The answer is….

None. That’s ninguno, aucun, keiner, zero!

Even the regional category for North America was won by Air Canada.

cartoon intrusive airport searches

Apparently, not only are air travelers in America to be treated as potential terrorists, herded and prodded and scanned and humiliated when they are trying to get on to an airplane. But when they do, the comfort and service they can expect will be second rate.

I think that’s a disgrace. America should be leading the world in the standard of their airlines. They should be at least one, if not more, of the top ten list every year offering a consistently high standard that their customers (that’s you and me) deserve.

And this award is decided by the votes of millions of travelers, so customers’ opinions do count.

So time for United States airlines to ditch those bureaucratic bean counters who decide that they can squeeze just another row of seats into an airplane so that everyone is uncomfortable. In the long term this kind of thinking doesn’t save you money, it loses you money. And when your customers vote for the best airline, they don’t vote for you!

For those of you who are interested, this year’s best airline was the Hong Kong based Cathay Pacific. They were voted best performer across all types of travel, economy, and luxury.

Cathay Pacific World's Best Airline 2014

Cathay Pacific World’s Best Airline 2014

Qatar Airways and Singapore Airlines placed second and third respectively in the global category, with last year’s winner, Emirates, slipping to fourth. Fifth to tenth places went to Turkish Airlines, ANA All Nippon Airways, Garuda Indonesia, Asiana Airlines, Etihad Airways and Lufthansa respectively.

.

================================================================

.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

What other way can you sample beer?

While you are thinking about that here are a few more samples of word plays, otherwise knows as puns.

Enjoy or endure!

.

rofl

.

I photographed myself stealing from

the DIY store earlier today.

I took some shelfies.

shelves

.

.

My friend Dave has drunk many weird

and wonderful things in his time.

I asked him if he’d ever drunk cologne.

“No,” he replied. “Always with friends.”

Armani_Cologne_for_men

.

.

I don’t know why people feel the need to travel

around the world to “find themselves”;

I found myself years ago.

Turns out I was right under my nose.

nose

.

.

I’ve recently been a stunt man in a couple of movies.

Nothing major, just a couple of small rolls.

Will-Dean-stunt-man-006

.

.

I bought a chair at the furniture store

from a new range based on Thai furniture.

It’s called a ‘Ladyboy’.

La-Z-Boy

.

.

Have you visited www. conjunctivitis. com?

It’s a site for sore eyes

sore eyes

.

.

My attempts at making a ham soup are always ad hoc.

cartoon-ham-8

.

.

With these terrible storms, I’ve been trying to think

of a way of stopping the water entering my property.

Can’t come up with anything though.

Damn!

sandbags dam

.

.

Dijon vu

dijon vu mustard

.

.

My sister fell in love with an arsonist.

She carried a torch for him for months.

They eventually split up, after a blazing row.

lit match

.

.

The new strip bar in my town doesn’t let Jews in.

It’s a gentile man’s club.

Strip-Bar-sign

.

.

I took a ‘Mickey Mouse’ degree and now

I’m head of animation at Disney Studios.

Mickey_Mouse

.

.

Paddy’s in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him.

“Did you find the shampoo?”

“Oi did,” Paddy says,

“But it’s for dry hair and I’ve just wet mine.”

dry hair shampoo

.

.

One of the Sisters at the convent was kidnapped the other day.

Police blamed the lack of security at the premises.

The local newspaper summed it up with the headline…

“No ‘fence.  Nun taken.”

SISTER

.

.

I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery.

I’ve had it right up to here with them.

blank page

.

=====================================

.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

It’s pun day.

The gift that just keeps on giving.

Try out this latest selection of word play gems.

Enjoy!

.

.

When she lost her job in a toothpaste factory

for dropping the toothpaste tubes,

the girl was completely crestfallen.

Crest_toothpaste

.

.

The first meteorologists who studied fog were mistified.

fog-06

.

.

This couple went on a sea cruise to sea if they could save their marriage,

but they soon drifted apart!

cruise ship

.

.

The guy always cheated at golf,

he didn’t play the fairway.

golf cheat cartoon

.

.

I was telling a friend last night

that I made $1,000 by selling manure.

He said, “That’s gross.”

I said, “No, that’s net.”

manure happens

.

.

What do you get if you eat a Blackberry?

A Bluetooth.

blackberry

.

.

My sex life is unbelievable.

Whenever I tell people I have a sex life,

they don’t believe me.

sex life

.

.

I can’t understand why my new automatic

air freshener doesn’t work even though

I’ve just put brand new batteries in it.

It just doesn’t make scents.

Automatic-Air-Freshener

.

.

If you crossed a fortune teller with a prostitute

would you get your whoroscope!

whoroscope

.

.

Tom said to his friend, “I think we should feed my wife herbicide.”

The friend said, “weed killer?”

“My point exactly,” Tom replied.

weedkiller

.

.

I was throwing rice at an Indian wedding

and accidentally started a pilau fight.

pilau rice

.

.

When I worked in a building supplies store,

one day this guy came in shouting and swearing

about needing something to fill a big hole in his wall.

Needless to say, I showed him the door.

new door

.

.

17 days until I stop using aerosol deodorants.

Roll on!

roll on deodorant

.

.

When I took my car in for a service

the guy at the shop said it would soon

need a new pair of shock absorbers.

He didn’t say when though

- the suspension’s killing me.

shock absorbers

.

.

As a grown man I feel awkward admitting that I still play with my train set,

so I hide it under the duvet.

No one will find it now, I’ve covered my tracks.

train set

.

.

I was having dinner with Mr T and he said,

“Don’t talk with your mouth full!”

I said, “How else would I talk? And I ain’t no fool.”

MrT

.

.

I was surprised when my psychic friend complimented

me on the way I had cooked his steak.

“Well done” is rare from a medium.

psychic dinners

.

.

I travel the land,

Asking rides from kind strangers:

I’m a hitchhaiku.

haiku

.

.

An old lady at the park said to me today,

“I see your dog’s fetching balls.”

I said, “I know, but, at your age,

you shouldn’t really be looking.”

dog fetching ball

.

.

After feeling a little depressed lately,

so I decided to treat myself to the new Jay-Z endorsed back-scratcher.

Now I’ve got 99 problems but an itch ain’t one.

.

.

=================================

.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Last Saturday I talked about the movie ‘Lost in Translation’ and how trying to communicate in a language that you don’t understand can have comic consequences.

I have had a few dodgy experiences using things like Google translator or Bing’s verson or even Bable Fish, but thankfully none quite as bad as this next bunch of signs.

Enjoy.

.

.

signfail12

.

.

.

signfail13

.

.

.

signfail14

.

.

.

signfail15

.

.

.

signfail16

.

.

.

signfail17

.

.

.

signfail18

.

.

.

signfail19

.

.

.

signfail20

.

.

.

signfail21

.

.

.

All of which goes to prove that it is easier to get the

message across using symbols instead of words!

.

internationalmarriagesymbol.

.

==========================================

.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

There was a movie a few years ago called ‘Lost In Translation’ starring Bill Murray and Scarlett Johansson. It was about a jaded film star and a neglected wife who form an unlikely bond after meeting in a hotel in Tokyo, with the problem of translation between English and Japanese forming a sub theme.

It wasn’t a movie to everyone’s taste, but if you haven’t seen it definitely worth a look. It was nominated for four Academy Awards, including Best Picture, Best Actor for Bill Murray, and Best Director for Sofia Coppola, with Coppola winning for Best Original Screenplay. Scarlett Johansson won a BAFTA award for Best Actress in a Leading Role.

All that is by way of introduction to today’s post which is also about how the real meaning of what you try to say can sometimes be lost in translation.

The following signs are good examples that illustrate the point and hopefully amuse.

Enjoy.

.

.

 signfail1

.

.

.

signfail2

.

.

.

signfail3

.

.

.

signfail4

.

.

.

signfail5

.

.

.

signfail6

.

.

.

signfail7

.

.

.

signfail8

.

.

.

signfail9

.

.

.

signfail10

.

.

.

signfail11

.

.

====================================

.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

The original title of this post was “Farting On Airplanes” because it is really about farting on airplanes, but I thought it might be better just to call it “It’s An Ill Wind”.

No, come on, now you know don’t turn your noses up, or pretend this is something that (a) you’ve never thought about, or (b) never done. Farting on airplanes is an international phenomenon that transcends all nationalities, religions, ages, creeds, classes and colors.

It is in fact the common bond of all the world’s travelers.

Whether it can ever bring us closer together, however, is another thing (Phew!)

longer larger fart plane

.

This is a quite embarrassing story. Not something one would normally admit to, but people write unusual things on blogs.

It concerns one of the first long haul flights that I was ever on.

Nowadays, as a seasoned flyer, I always have a good meal before the flight. I don’t suffer from air sickness of any kind and I don’t care for the stuff they call airline food. Back then, however, I was a novice and ended up on board without any breakfast other than a cup of coffee. My stomach was empty – of food anyhow.

All was well for about twenty or thirty minutes and then it started.

The obvious solution would have been to get up and go to the toilet. But easy options aren’t the way I have gone through life so far.

Also it was a big plane, a 747, and the toilets were quite a bit away from my seat. I would face a long walk down the narrow aisle.

Not that the walk itself was the problem. It was just that whoever designs airline seats has arranged things so that the nose and ears of the person sitting down is just about at the same height as the bottom of the person walking casually past.

You see the predicament?

In any case, I found myself in a window seat with two other seats to negotiate before I got to the aisle. Such was the pressure building up that I feared the exertion of hopping over the additional seats would make the whole purpose of the journey somewhat redundant.

There was nothing for it but to stay where I was, with the unfortunate choice being either bursting or releasing some of the pressure. Not unnaturally I chose to do the latter option.

As these things go it was a substantial outcome. But the drone of the plane engines (they were a lot louder in those days, I think, I hope, weren’t they?) seemed to drown out any other background noises.

I didn’t hear a thing.

I double checked by having a quick look at the person unfortunate enough to be sitting beside me, but there was no sign in the expression on his face that anything untoward had happened. Either that or he was a professional poker player with a practiced deadpan expression – or in a state of semi consciousness as a result of the concussive force emanating from the seat beside him.

My confidence grew. I thought of the famous campfire scene from Blazing Saddles and let a few more go in tribute.

Farting Mid Flight

.

I was so happy at the relief and at the fact that all was undetected that I allowed myself a triumphant smile, and then even a laugh. The movie I was watching was a comedy so my laughter didn’t look out of place either.

It was all good.

Hang on a minute.

All was not as good as it seemed.

Cut the laughter and cue serious worried face.

I suddenly realized that all this time I had been wearing the headphones the flight attendant had given us for the movies they were showing. No wonder I had heard nothing!

Oh dear me! What had I done?

Well, I knew what I had done, of course. The big question now was, did anyone else know? Had they heard me doing it?

I looked again at the man in the seat beside me. Again no perceivable reaction on his face that indicated that anything out of the ordinary had happened, although now I was aware of them I saw that he too was wearing the headphones.   

I was relieved a bit, but still very curious. And when I get curious about something I have to try to find an answer.

So there was nothing for it but let rip again, this time with my headphones off.

And that’s what I did.

Thankfully, in the interests of the scientific experiment now under way, the quality of the offending item had not diminished in force. A guy knows about these things even without any audio feedback.

To my great relief, in every meaning of the word, I still didn’t hear a thing. The drone of the airplane engines had indeed drowned out any other sounds.

It was a magnificently liberating experience and from that day on I have never looked back, as it were.

Further experimentation revealed that the same undetectable result could be achieved even on much smaller airplanes. Commercial jets I’m talking about, of course, this is not a sport to indulge in on a single engined Cesna or something like that.

I also found out that it is possible I have been saving the airlines lucky enough to win my custom a small fortune. As you know the air in airplanes these days is all re-circulated and, as the methane content of a fart is lighter than air, the captured gas therefore contributes to keeping the airplane airborne with a consequent saving on fuel. That’s my story anyhow.

farting in airplanes

.

And the good news just keeps on coming.

Independent research confirms that a person’s sense of smell is greatly suppressed in the reduced cabin air pressure, which incidentally is also why airplane food tastes so bad. 

So now if you are on an airplane and sitting beside someone who is chuckling to himself – or herself, yes ladies your secret is out – you’ll know the real reason why!

One day it might even be me!!!

.

.

===================================

.