Posts Tagged ‘stupid’

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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There’s no getting away from it, the letter ‘n’ does divide opinion.

And so too does that little word play device called the Pun.

For those who like them and for those who like to hate them here is another selection.

Enjoy or Endure!

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rofl

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Getting a job repairing revolving doors

was a real turning point in my life.

Revolving door overhaul and repair

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I have a friend who is ambidextrous illiterate…

He can’t write anything with both hands.

illiterate

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My wife asked me “Would you say that I was likeable?”

I said “No love, bulls are male. You’re like a cow.”

 

cow

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What is Stephen Hawking’s favourite cream?

sQWERTY.

Stephen Hawking keyboard

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I’ve never asked a rhetorical question.

How cool is that?

RhetoricalQuestionsOnly

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I once got asked to do a sketch of

an old gameshow host dressed up as a Charlies Angel.

I drew Barrymore.

drew Barrymore

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There’s a gang going through our town,

systematically shoplifting clothes in size order…

The police believe they’re still at large.

clothes in size order

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I know a guy who has one eye bigger than the other.

His name is Iain.

forest-whitaker-one eye bigger than the other

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A recent study proved that I shouldn’t try

to add unnecessary rooms to my house.

study-room-design-ideas

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There is a remote tribe

that worships the number Zero.

Is nothing sacred?

number Zero

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What cheese do you use

to disguise horse meat?

Mascarpone.

Mascarpone

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Yesterday, a Lumberjack slipped

and cut into his leg with a chainsaw.

He lost a lot of blood, but although

they managed to stem the flow,

paramedics say he is still not out of the woods yet.

Lumberjacks

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I’m not afraid of flying.

I am, however, afraid of being 35,000 feet

in the air and suddenly “not” flying.

fear-of-flying

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I don’t know what the fascination is with strip clubs.

It’s just the same old thong and dance.

thong and dance

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Elton John has got so fat recently, he is having

to have his trousers specially made for him,

He’s had to say goodbye normal jeans…

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I bet you can’t stand sitting down either. It’s not easy.

But what is easy is having a look at some more puns.

So here you are.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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I just bought a Monopoly set which had no instructions.

What are the chances?

MONOPOLY_c1937_Chance_ElectedChairman

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Sony. Panasonic, Technics, Bang Olufsen, Teac.

They’re just stereotypes.

stereo

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A contestant accused me of being an unfair quiz host.

Point taken.

quiz host

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I was walking down the street.

This guy waved to me, then came up to me and said,

“I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.”

I said, “I am.”

diesel-waving

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Bilbo Baggins has died.

I read it in the hobbituary column.

Bilbo Baggins

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Two mountaineers reach a huge, deep fissure in a glacier.

“Careful here,” says one of them.

“My mountain guide fell down there last year.”

“I bet you feel bad about that,” says the other.

“Not really, it was pretty old and missing a few pages.”

mountaineers

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My friend just finished watching Kill Bill, volume 1;

He said he couldn’t hear it very well, though.

Kill-Bill-Volume-1

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I was reading this book on the anatomy of a pig.

It was pretty standard, but I got to the end

and found there to be a twist in the tale.

cartoon pig with curly tail

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I’ve been out of work for a while but have just got

a job at a factory making periscopes.

Things are looking up.

periscope

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Our Marriage Guidance Counsellor said my wife and I

needed to talk about the elephant in the room.

I turned to my wife and said

”see, even she thinks you’re fat”

the elephant in the room

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It took me ages to change all my clocks.

There’s an hour of my life I’ll never get back!

changing-daylight-savings-time

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I’ve decided to have a party in my vegetable garden tonight.

Lettuce turnip the beet.

Lettuce turnip the beet

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I haven’t used my eBook reader for a while.

Maybe it’s time to rekindle our relationship.

Kindle-Paperwhite

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How does the barber cut the moon’s hair?

Eclipse it.

Barber's tools

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And speaking of hair, The Beatles’ song,

“Love Me Do” was written by John Lennon

after he’d had a really good haircut.

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yeah, Stonehenge rocks!

So does Pun Day!!

As always….

Enjoy or endure!!!

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rofl

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Deaf people are lip reading as we speak.

lip-reading

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In school, my teacher asked me if I

had any of my own maths equipment.

“I have a broken abacus,” I replied.

She said, “That doesn’t count.”

abacus

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I’m a puppeteer –

I had to pull a lot of strings to get the job.

puppeteer

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My friend happily announced recently that,

after 18 months of hard work and determination,

he had lost over 130 pounds of unhealthy useless fat.

He divorced her.

fattyfatbutt

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Want to pull a Jewish girl?

Just show them some interest.

Jewish girl

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A woman walks up to a handsome man

in a nightclub and shouts, “Fat penguin!”

“Pardon?” he says, looking bemused.

“Sorry,” she replies. “I was just trying to

think of something that would break the ice.”

cartoon Fat penguin

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Being unemployed definitely has its benefits.

unemployment benefit

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I always get chutney and pickle mixed up.

It makes me chuckle.

redbellpepperchutney

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My mate asked if I wanted to

play electric shock monopoly.

I jumped at the chance.

monopoly

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Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m OK,

but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

food coloring

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My mum always said,

Never use two words when one will do.”

Why didn’t she just say,

“Avoid verbosity”?

mother talking to child

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I love blondes, but I was gutted to come

home from work to find my girlfriend

had dyed her hair brunette.

It’s just not fair.

brunette

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Protesters at the recent G20 conference

were holding up huge signs saying

‘Capitalism Isn’t Working’.

A friend of mine turned to me and said,

“Surely that’s wrong.

Surely ‘Capitalism Is Working’.”

Capitalism Isn't Working

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My English teacher told me that it’s impossible

to take two completely different words out of context

and use them to create a coherent sentence.

Wheel sea.

English teacher

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Friends of my wife and I, recently bought a farm,

and decided to invite us to a House warming party.

I asked my wife, “What shall we get them for a present?”

“How about this long length of rope with bucket attached?” she replied.

“Yes,” I agreed. “I am sure that will go down well.”

well bucket and rope

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It’s Pun Day again.

Does seem a bit déjà vu right enough.

Your chance to giggle or groan, or perhaps a bit of both, as you read the latest word play offerings that we call puns.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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Disposable beds are unreliable.

Disposable beds

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My new band is called ‘DEAF’…

We’ve just been signed.

sign language alphabet

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How subtle is the ‘b’ in subtle?

subtle

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I’ve just fixed the work radio that

had been broken for months,

my colleagues were ecstatic.

You should have heard the reception I got.

radio

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I’ve written a book on how to chop onions.

Read it and weep.

how to chop onions

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What sections of swimming pools do I prefer?

Hmm… Depends.

swimming pools deep end

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I’m contemplating inventing a plane with no wings

then selling it to British Airways.

I know what you’re thinking;

it’ll never take off.

airplane_no_wings

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What do you call dyslexic owls?

Slow!

dyslexic owl

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Remember the shock a few years ago,

when we discovered…

Tiger was really a Cheetah.

Tiger a Cheetah

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I recently completed a PhD in Scottish poetry.

You could say I have third degree Burns.

Rabbie Burns

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I used to live on the 13th floor but

have just moved up to the 14th floor

But that’s another storey. 

13th floor button

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A policeman stopped me as I walked out

of an electrical goods store today.

He said, “Before I perform a search,

do you have anything sharp in your pockets?”

I said, “No, just Sony and Panasonic.”

sharp logo

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I love playing chess at the park with old men.

The hard part is finding 32 of them. 

playing chess at the park with old men

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Since I was a 14 year old lad,

I’ve dated girls in alphabetical order,

starting from A, in an attempt to one day make it to Z.

My newest girlfriend, Yvonne, is convinced I’ll go back to my X.

x

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I was in a quiz the other day and my team,

along with another, tied for first place.

For the ‘tie-breaker’ we were asked one question,

and the first person to shout the correct

answer won it for their team.

The question was as follows.

‘In Paradise Lost, by John Milton,

what was the Capital City of Hell?’

No-one from either team knew the answer

so both teams started shouting loudly

and waving their arms in frustration

at the question being too hard.

Things got a bit heated and a fight broke out

between one team captain and the quiz master.

It was pandemonium.

pandemonium

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Welcome to the last Pun Day….

Of this July that is, I hope you didn’t get your hopes up too high.

Anyway here are the latest offerings.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

 

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This nice weather doesn’t fool me one bit.

It’s just a front.

warm front

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What do you call a couple

who go fishing together?

Rod and Annette.

Rod and Annette

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I hate jokes about Vietnam.

They really Hanoi me.

Hanoi map

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My new book about Poltergeists

is flying off the shelves.

Poltergeists

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I was touched by my Granddad

when I was a little boy.

His tear jerking tales of world war two

were simply heartbreaking.

Granddad

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I was telling the police officer

how local youths had thrown

a milk bottle at me and just missed.

He asked, “Skimmed past your face?”

I replied, “No, full fat over my shoulder.” 

milk

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‘My post box’

has got nine letters in it.

australia post box

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I told my fiancee and friends that I wanted

to racially segregate our wedding.

They didn’t really warm to it.

I was met with a mixed reception.

wedding reception

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Age isn’t

“just a number”

- it’s quite clearly a word

age

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People who confuse

the metaphorical and the factual

make my head literally explode.

head literally explode

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My girlfriend was disappointed when

I bought her New York flights for her birthday.

But not as disappointed as I was when

I found out she didn’t even play darts.

darts New York flights

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I’ve just stolen loads of swimming inflatables.

I’d better lilo.   

lilo

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I went to see my new doctor this morning about my piles.

He told me to drop my trousers and pants and bend over.

As I pulled my cheeks apart, he said,

“I’m going to need your whole name.”

I said, “I just call it my asshole.”

man with trousera down

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Gordon Ramsay reminds me of a newspaper.

Only with more headlines.

Gordon Ramsay headlines

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Time traveller’s convention next June.

I’m there.

Time traveller's convention

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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The Sunday Sermon

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“It was the Russians, they’re the ones to blame.”

“It was Putin. He’s the baddie. We can’t let him get way with it!”

 malaysia-airlines-flight-mh17

So go the cries in the US in the aftermath of the shooting down of Air Malaysia Flight MH17 over the Ukraine.

And that was long before any of the facts had been collected and it was known who shot down a plane on a different continent, or why. 

Russia wants (virtual) control of the Ukraine. There isn’t really any doubt about that. For them it is a strategic imperative. Russia’s history has taught it that it needs to be able to control a vast amount of territory, if only to use as a buffer zone against invasion.

The situation is not helped by various US Presidents and Secretaries of State giving Russia assurances that they would not attempt to involve the peripheral former Soviet states in things like NATO – and then trying to do the exact opposite.

It is now widely accepted that the underlying reason for the unrest in the Ukraine and Russia’s reaction is because of US interference in that country, which included helping to overthrow its democratically elected president, Viktor Yanukovych, and replace him with someone who was a virtual puppet of the West.

That was just asking for trouble. And they should have known it.

And they will get trouble, probably much more than they bargained for.

Unfortunately that will impact on ordinary people, like us.

 Major_NATO_affiliations_in_Europe

Just as the US has its beady eyes on bringing the Ukraine and other former Soviet states into pro-Western organizations like NATO, it is equally certain that Putin will have his beady eyes on not only bringing the former Soviet states back firmly under Russian control, but in perhaps expanding his relationships with other parts of Europe.

Putin has the energy reserves to do it. Whilst there is very little in the way of direct trade between the US and Russia, particularly in regard to energy supplies, (Russia is just the United States’ 20th largest trading partner), Europe is largely dependent on Russian gas to keep it going. Over 30 percent of the European Union’s energy supplies come from Russia and the EU is Russia’s largest trading partner.

Russia’s counter strategy, therefore, will obviously be to use its considerable economic influence as leverage to try to break up the NATO alliance and to separate the European power house, Germany, from its Anglo-American alliance.

Putin is being helped by the arrogance of America’s government spooks who thought they could spy on their friends and allies, even going so far as tapping the phone of German Chancellor, Angela Merkel, without there being consequences.  

consequences

Prompted by leaks from NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden, the fallout from America’s spying debacle continues, people have been arrested, and the German government has even ordered the local CIA station chief to pack his bags and leave the country.

Germany may still place some value on its relationship with the US, but not nearly so much as previously, thanks solely to America’s lack of respect for them.

Putin and his advisors know this, even if Obama and Kerry don’t. They see Germany as ready for change. And they may well be right. The German people are angry at the contempt America has shown for them  – just as Americans would rightly have been if the Germans had done the same to them and their President  –  and they are increasingly frustrated at the burden the European Union has become economically.

If the US doesn’t catch itself on and behave differently and with respect towards its foreign friends, it may find that there will be changes it did not expect and certainly did not want.

Kerry Putin Obama

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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We had it with the real estate market. Billions of dollars being lent to people who obviously couldn’t afford it.

We saw the trouble, hardship, misery and financial woes that were caused as credit dried up, real estate prices began to tumble, and bankruptcies and foreclosures increased.

And we know the damage it did to the economy when irresponsible banks and other lenders went bust and almost brought down the entire financial system. 

Smart people would learn from such a situation.

Smart people would never contemplate doing such a thing again.

But despite what they would like to have you believe, bankers are not smart people. They’re dumb and they are greedy, a deadly combination.

bad credit 100 percent financing

As a result of the financial crisis millions of Americans (and people in other countries too) have been left with poor credit scores. Yet remarkably they are now able to easily obtain auto loans from used-car dealers, including some who fabricate or ignore borrowers’ abilities to repay. Even if you are bankrupt or living only on social security, banks like Wells Fargo will lend you thousands of dollars to buy a used car.

It’s called the new sub-prime boom, because the lack of caution resembles the frenzied sub-prime mortgage market before its collapse. And it is already bringing misery to many people who have been suckered into taking out loans that they clearly could not afford.

Worse than that, these sub-prime auto loans often come with terms that take advantage of the most desperate, least financially sophisticated customers, with interest rates that can exceed 20 percent. And many of the loans can be at least twice the value of the second hand cars they are being used to purchase!

wall street car crash

This creates a vicious circle for some borrowers, who still owe money on a car that they are trading in when they purchase another one, meaning that the former debt is rolled over into the new loan and they end up, not just paying too much for their current car, but also continue to pay off the loan on their previous car that they don’t even have!

This is the way loan sharks operate. Eventually you end up borrowing your own money and paying them interest for the privilege!

This surge in sub-prime auto lending is being driven by some of the same dynamics that were at work in sub-prime mortgages. There is a veritable deluge of money pouring into sub-prime autos, as the high rates and steady profits of the loans attract investors.

And just as Wall Street stoked the boom in mortgages, some of the nation’s biggest banks and private equity firms are now feeding the growth in sub-prime auto loans by investing in lenders and making money available for loans.

To quote some of the figures, auto loans to people with bad credit have risen more than 130 percent in the five years since the immediate aftermath of the financial crisis, with roughly one in four new auto loans last year going to borrowers considered sub-prime, that is, people with credit scores at or below 640. Wells Fargo, mentioned earlier, made $7.8 billion in auto loans in the second quarter of this year, up 9 percent from a year earlier, and has at least $50 billion in auto loans on its books.

greedy bankers

Even worse, as was the case with sub-prime mortgages before the financial crisis, many sub-prime auto loans are being bundled up into complex bonds and sold as securities by banks to insurance companies, mutual funds and public pension funds. They are all scrambling for these, which in turn creates ever-greater demand for loans, and leads to the banks issuing more and more sub-prime credit.

Unbelievably it’s the same crooks doing exactly the same thing, including using incorrect information about borrowers’ income and employment, so that people who had lost their jobs, or were bankrupt, or living on Social Security, could qualify for loans that they could never afford.

carbuying credit report

Admittedly, the size of the sub-prime auto loan market is only a tiny fraction of the sub-prime mortgage market at its peak, and its implosion would not have the same far-reaching consequences.

For the banks the investors silly enough to buy their bonds, that is.

But the misery is just as great for the people who are suckered into accepting credit they cannot afford.

Illegal it may not be, but immoral it certainly is.

Political leaders who sit astride high horses and purport to be working on behalf of the ordinary people should be doing something about it.

But, as I’ve said before, don’t hold your breath!

obama used car salesman

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