Posts Tagged ‘silly jokes’

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Why indeed!

I certainly never question the popularity of puns.

So here is another word play day for toy to…..

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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I went to see my doctor with chronic depression.

I said, “Feeling any happier these days doc?”

doctor with chronic depression

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My friend certainly knows how to make an entrance.

He just put up my new front door.

new front door

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I’ve just broken all my DVDs of Japanese cartoons.

I’m my own worst anime.

anime

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My dog just swallowed my phone

and got it stuck in his throat,

I’m going to ring his neck.

cartoon dog

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Just for a laugh, I changed the font at our local church

but the Vicar wasn’t happy.

It took him half a day to get it back

to Times New Roman.

font

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I’ve gone off them a bit now,

but there was a time when I used to really dig graves.             

grave_digging_afghan

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My new girlfriend really takes my breath away.

She’s inflatable.

inflatable woman

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I could hear the wife moaning about

a wobbly shelf in the kitchen.

I soon fixed that.

I turned the TV up.

tv volume control

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I’m fed up with my friend Adam.

He walks round like he is God’s gift to women.

Adam

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My dad was watching a news broadcast about Gaza.

He was so shocked he dropped hezbollah cornflakes.

cornflakes

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My wife left because she thinks

I have an obsession with electricity.

I was like, “Watt, I’m shocked….

it hertz me when you say stuff like that.

Currently I’ve not been myself I admit,

but it would help if you had some positive input in

my life instead of being negative.

But none of that matters any more,

I’m going ohm.”            

electrical terms

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I’m planning on becoming a shepherd.

It’s easy, I herd.

shepherd

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My next song is about subtraction.

Take it away…      

subtraction

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Leaving her living room,

a blonde finds her husband lying unconscious

at the foot of the stairs and in a panic she calls ‘911’.

“My husband’s fallen down the stairs,” she cries.

“Calm down, madam,” the operator tells her,

“do you know what caused the fall?”

“No, what?”

blonde blonde

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Shop assistants are so rude these days.

I went into the DVD store and asked if they had

any about people stranded on a desert island.

The assistant told me to get lost.

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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A little nerdy pun in the title to set the tone for today, because it’s another Pun Day.

Some more plays on words, which you will either….

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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I was thinking of getting a tattoo on my palm

On the other hand I might not bother.

tattoo on my palm

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I’m giving away a free gate.

Honestly, there’s no catch.

gate

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A Rastafarian just gave my friend a haircut.

He looks dreadful.

Rastafarian

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Just been thinking, Hooters should do a home delivery service.

They could call it Knockers.

Hooters

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Whenever anybody asks what I do.

I tell them I’m a Thai boxer, to make myself sound hard.

Sounds better than telling them

I pack men’s neckwear in a warehouse.

muay_thai_boxers

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I find it difficult to count in

Roman numerals until the number 159.

Then it just CLIX.

CLIX

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If you’d like to know more about bulimia,

just do a Google search and see what it throws up.

bulimia

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I used to live in a tire, but it got a puncture.

Now I just live in a flat.

flat tire

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Statistically speaking,

the word “duck” is 75% obscene.

duck

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To those men who whinge and whine

saying it’s too hard to cultivate apples,

I say, “Grow a pear.”

pear

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I want to thank my friend, who looked up

“Agglomeration” for me in the dictionary.

It means a lot.

agglomeration

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Do you think that a Clairvoyants meeting has

ever been cancelled due to unforeseen events.

Clairvoyant

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I’ve written a book about

an Apartment block for Midgets.

It’s a collection of short storeys.

Lego Apartment block

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My Korean friend died last week.

So Yung…

Korean flag

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Apparently Matt Damon believes in two things:

Sequels, and reincarnation.

Basically, he thinks he’ll be Bourne again.

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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And the best time for puns is today!

By the way, no liability accepted, so try not to hurt yourselves laughing.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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I threw out my vacuum cleaner last week.

It was just gathering dust.

vacuum cleaner

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I work for the hospital dealing with

moving patients between different areas.

It’s a rewarding job.

moving patients

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I’ve had to break up with my imaginary girlfriend.

I’ve started seeing someone else.

my imaginary girlfriend

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My wife always cooks our Christmas Ham in a bottle of wine.

I have no idea how she gets it in there, but it tastes brilliant.

Christmas Ham

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What’s the difference between ‘Approximately’ and ‘Roughly’?

Men are never accused of treating women approximately.

Approximately Roughly

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After battling for years to overcome

my addiction to alcohol gel,

I’m finally clean.

alcohol gel

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Grandad was talking about getting

a hip replacement for my Grandma.

“Someone younger and trendier,” he said,

“Like Megan Fox or Mila Kunis.”

Megan Fox

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I wasn’t always into peer pressure……

My friends got me into it.

peer pressure

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Ever since I took the rear view mirror out of the car

…..I’ve never looked back

the rear view mirror

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I sat down on the settee today to relax and watch a bit of football,

but the picture on the telly was so terrible I couldn’t bear it.

I hate wedding photos.

wedding photos

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I typed an essay in Word about a concerned Bugs Bunny.

I then saved it as ‘Whats Up.doc’

whats-up-doc

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If you like wordplay jokes about pissing

then urine for a treat.

jokes about pissing

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I’ve been offered a job by the government’s Department of New Words.

It’s a fantastic opporchancity.

opporchancity

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I’ve just opened a casino for dogs.

They can play roulette, poker, blackjack

and a host of other games all under one roof.

They have to go outside for craps though.

dogs_poker

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Finally for this week,

and with a certain blog friend in mind,

what did the three campanologists who

fell off a bridge in Paris, France start playing?

“I’m ringing in the Seine, just ringing in the Seine…”

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Are you are looking for some really funny jokes?

Well, never mind.

Try these instead.

It’s Pun Day!

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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I just saw a bird playing chess in the park.

Toucan play at that game.

toucan

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If a vacuum is a volume of space

that contains no matter or particles,

why did someone bother to invent a cleaner for it?

vacuum cleaner

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My son got straight A’s in his italics exam.

Which actually cost him quite a few marks.

straight A's

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24 years ago today the doctor delivered me.

I can’t believe I’ve survived so long without a liver.

liver

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I just bought my 6 month old son one of those baby bouncers.

£10 an hour but he keeps the kid safe

bouncer

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My wife used to be a regular customer at McDonalds.

These days, she’s more of a large.

McDonalds

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Hearing aid for sale.

Give me a shout if you’re interested.

Man uses an ear trumpet

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A man came up to me and said,

“Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.”

I said, “That is very annoying.”

He said, “Well I can only apologize.”

sorry

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I’m lucky, I can always count on my wife.

She wears a lot of beads.

a lot of beads

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“What’s done cannot be undone.”

They obviously didn’t have shoelaces in Shakespeare’s day.

What's done cannot be undone

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So these two morons were making fun

of an old guy on the bus yesterday.

My friend said,

“You have to respect him, he’s a Vietnam vet.”

They just said

“What’s it to us if he helps animals in Vietnam.”

Vietnam vet

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Why did I say I’d win that giant butterfly contest?

Me and my big moth.

big_AZZ_moth

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I just saw two bits of sellotape stuck to a lamppost.

Must have been a missing poster.

funny-missing-picture

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My girlfriend was devastated to find out

that my friends call me

‘The Love Machine’

because I’m terrible at tennis.

terrible at tennis

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Finally for today, this ring cymbalizes so much to me.

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http://instantrimshot.com/index.php?sound=rimshot&play=true

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I couldn’t make my mind for a while whether that title was a pun or a fabulous fact.

But it’s Pun Day, so a play on words it is.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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My uncle works for a company

that makes bicycle wheels.

He’s the Spokesman.

bicycle wheel spokes

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Police, “You’re under arrest for trespassing.”

Me, “On what grounds?”

no trespassing sign

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I know a guy who in his spare time likes to dress up as a knight,

and jump over 20 parked cars on a horse.

I call him Medieval Knievel.

Medieval Knight

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Having fake teeth.

That’ll denture confidence

dentures

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I actually tried plane sailing the other day….

It’s not as easy as it’s made out to be.

cartoon plane sailing

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Why do elephants have big ears?

Because Noddy wouldn’t pay the ransom.

Big Ears

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My wife always gets annoyed when I leave her out.

Especially if it’s raining.

woman in rain

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Arkansas is just Kansas with pirates.

Pirates

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Once when I was in Chicago I did 35 press-ups in a row…

The elevator attendant looked pretty annoyed.

elevator buttons

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I’ve spent my entire life researching the multiples of zero,

my career has amounted to nothing. 

lots of zeros

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I asked my friend the other day, “Where’s your mum from?”

He replied, “Alaska.”

I said, “Don’t worry, I’ll ask her myself.”

Alaska

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I saw a man with a trolley

full of horseshoes and rabbits’ feet earlier,

trying to get it up a hill.

I thought, “He’s pushing his luck.”

horseshoes and rabbits' feet

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Some people say it’s sick and perverted to be a flasher.

I think it shows a lot of balls.

cartoon flasher

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A Zen master once said to me,

“Do the opposite of whatever I tell you.”

So I didn’t.

cartoon zen master

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I was referred to Dr. Dre the other day,

I have to go in for a hip-hoperation.

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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But no shock that today is another Pun Day!

Enjoy or endure!!

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rofl

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Just opened my Electric bill and my Water bill at the same time.

I was completely shocked.

Utility-Bill

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The man who invented Velcro has died.

RIP

Velcro

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Keifer Sutherland was held up by Homeland Security

when he flew into LA airport for the

filming of the first episode of a new TV series.

They asked him the purpose of his visit and he said,

“I’m here to shoot a pilot.”

Keifer Sutherland with gun action shot

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My great uncle was so stubborn,

when he died, he left a won’t.

so stubborn

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“You make a very good cuppa,” she said.

“It’s my special tea,” I replied.

cup of tea

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I fell down a really deep dark hole today.

I just couldn’t see that well.

well

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There are countless films without Dracula in them.

dracula risen-fangs

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Just read a really sad story about how

blind people get used to new surroundings…

Touching stuff.

blind people touching

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I’ve decided to stop wearing my glasses.

It makes me look harder.

Worker looking forward, covering eyes from the sun

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 A rule of grammar:

double negatives are a no-no.

The-Simpsons-s11e06-Hello-Gutter-Hello-Fadder

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So here I am trekking through the woods……

hang on, bear with me

trekking through the woods

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Weighing an elephant is just like weighing a human.

But on a much bigger scale.

Weighing an elephant

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I asked my boss if I could leave half an hour early the other day.

He said, ” Only if you make up the time.”

I said, ” OK. It’s 35 past 50.”         

time-management-clock

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I work in McDonald’s and a customer was rude to me today,

so I got him back by not putting any Coke in his drink.

Just ice was served.         

glass of ice cubes

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Brian May is a slightly more optimistic version of Brian Cant.         

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 “Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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And if you were an optimist who thought there would be no puns in June, then your membership of the society is in doubt too.

Here’s the latest batch.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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Some people have a way with words,

others not have way.

you_have_a_way_with_words_by_geistgirl-d4a9hky

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My friend received an email yesterday asking him

to send trouser zips to the address provided.

I told him to ignore it,

it sounds like they are fly phishing.

trouser zips

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I thought growing my own lettuce would be difficult

but it was quite easy in the end.

It’s not rocket science.

rocket lettuce

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A policeman asked me to come down

to the station for an interview.

I haven’t even applied for a job there.

police_officer_cartman

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This linguistics professor was lecturing the class.

“In English,” he explained, “a double negative forms a positive.

In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.”

“However,” the professor continued, “there is no language wherein

a double positive can form a negative.”

Immediately, a voice from the back of the room piped up:

“Yeah….. right….”

linguistics professor double negative

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I remember when my parents died,

all they left me was a globe.

It meant the world to me….

globe

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If I had a billion pounds

for every time I underestimated…

I would be a millionaire.

1 billion versus 1 million dollars

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My mate Steven, who shares the same name as me,

thought it was funny to erase the letters ‘St’ from my pencil case.

So, during break, I did the same to his.

Now we’re even.

steven even

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My father worked in a steel fabrication plant.

They didn’t produce anything,

they just said they did.

empty steel fabrication plant

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Jimmy: “Can I ask you a question?”

Ted: “Sure, what is it?”

Jimmy: “It’s an interrogative statement, used to test knowledge.”

an interrogative statement

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I have no idea what the opposite of imagination is.

NO IDEA PIC

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After hearing my son saying,

“I want to be good with acoustic,”

I decided to buy him a guitar.

Turns out he wanted a pool cue.

pool cue

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The Internet now has the second largest collection of jokes in the world…

The House of Representatives is still hanging on to the top spot.

House of Representatives

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I told my mum I was going out for a walk.

She said, “How long will you be gone?”

I said, “Probably the whole time”

out for a walk

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Look, at the end of the day

….. it’s night!

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Mayday? No emergency here, unless you are allergic to bad jokes.

Coz it’s Pun Day again!

Enjoy or endure.

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rofl

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I’m in dispute with my TV program supplier

as they’re trying to charge me for my satellite dish.

I’m sure they told me it would be on the house.  

satellite dish on the house

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My favourite pick up line…

‘Pick that up’        

Pick that up

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Breaking News:

“UN-Staffed office bombed”

Phew, just as well there was no-one there then.      

empty-office

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Today, I saw a sign at a picture framing shop that said,

“Shoot the family, hang the kids, frame the wife.”

Don’t photographers have a dark sense of humour?

picture framing shop

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My New Year’s resolution is to save

enough money to buy a Velcro wall.

And I plan on sticking to it. 

Velcro wall

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God is talking to one of his angels. He says,

“Boy, I just created a 24-hour period of

alternating light and darkness on Earth.”

“What are you going to do now?” asks the angel.

“Call it a day,” says God.

good-day

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I came downstairs this morning

to see that my curtains were drawn.

All the furniture was real though.

curtains drawn

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I saw a woman stood in her flooded front room crying.

I thought, “If anything, you’re just making it worse.” 

flooded front room crying

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Do you know what really makes me smile?

Facial muscles.

face-muscles

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I hired a private detective to investigate the sudden

death of my Grandad, while in intensive care.

He followed a few leads.

Faulty plug on the life support machine, apparently.

Faulty plug on the life support machine

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My son was up all night answering questions about resistors.

His Physics teacher always sets too much Ohm work.

Ohm work

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Towards the end of the Jurassic period,

the Thesaurus was the first dinosaur to become

extinct, obsolete, belated, vanished and wiped out.

thesaurus_t-shirt

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Body-snatching.

It’s not the winning,

it’s the taking parts that counts.

Body-snatching

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This makes no sense – yesterday my calculator

was working fine, today it isn’t working at all.

It just doesn’t add up.

calculator

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When I was a boy, my friends said

quoting songs would get me nowhere.

Well, Against All Odds, Take A Look At Me Now.

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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A nice holiday in Nice, how nice.

Yes, pun day again folks.

Strap yourselves in and…..

Enjoy or endure!

. rofl

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Working as a cake waiter at a wedding,

I saw the most beautiful girl from across the room.

I immediately took a fancy to her.

fancy

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What berries do fat people enjoy the most?

Cadburys!

Cadburys-Dairy-Milk

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Guess what is in the middle of nowhere…

‘h’

 

nowhere

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I got bullied as a child for having glasses.

Every other kid in the neighborhood could only afford paper cups.

disposable-paper-cups-glasses

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A female police officer used a taser gun on me yesterday.

She was stunning.

taser

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Two hours ago I told my kid to shut his mouth and eat his supper.

The poor boy is still sitting at the table trying to figure out how to do it.

cartoon kid mouth shut

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I was supposed to go for a job interview

as a camouflage expert last week.

I didn’t turn up, and I got the job!

camouflage expert

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Did you hear the one about the depressed frog?

He wanted to kermit suicide.

kermit

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I caught my wife with another man last night.

Don’t worry though, it’s a trapeze act.

trapeze act

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I accidently left an apple outside my local Doctor’s surgery.

Now I’m worried he won’t be able to get in.

an apple a day keeps the doctor away

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I’m considering becoming a mind reader.

What are your thoughts?

mind reader

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I’ve just invented a machine that can immediately

tell you what condition a painting is in.

It’s state-of-the-art technology.

state of the art

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When you type

“Missing medieval servant”  

into Google it comes up with

“Page not found”

Page

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A man walked into a bar and ordered half a coke.

The barman said “OK”.

half a coke

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I went into the music store earlier and asked the guy

behind the counter if they had anything by Run DMC.

“Walk this way,” he replied.

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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They say ignorance is bliss and to a great extent I think that is correct.

I’m not sure you could say puns are bliss, but some of us seem to enjoy them, and for those who do here are some more.

Enjoy or endure.

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rofl

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I’ve trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine.

It’s a Bordeaux collie.

Bordeaux collie

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My friend asked me to get him a job at the opticians.

He knew I had the contacts.

contact lenses

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I’ve just opened a shoe shop.

So far I’ve successfully kept everyone away from it.

empty shoe shop

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I applied for a job in Australia

I think I have the necessary koalafications.

koalafications

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During a spelling test, our teacher told us to write down ‘to capitalize’.

That one was too easy I thought, as I wrote ‘I I’.

spelling test1

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I used to smoke Benson & Hedges, but then I changed brands.

It’s all been Dunhill from there.

Dunhill

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I just bought a Swiss car.

It runs like clockwork,

but I can’t figure out how to get it out of neutral.

clockwork car

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I’ve decided to make money writing dieting books.

I’m told they appeal to a very wide audience.

diets-dieters-diet_books

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I laid flowers for mother at the wrong tombstone.

It was a grave mistake.

wrong tombstone

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An apostrophe is the difference between

a business that should know its shit,

and a business that should know it’s shit.

apostrophe

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A few people are complaining about the new

lightning conductor at the concert hall.

A lot of the orchestra can’t keep up with him.

Conductor

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I fixed my wife up with a new job the other day

– as a human cannonball.

She went ballistic!

human cannonball

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I made a hotel out of little cheesy biscuits.

It’s not exactly the Ritz.

Ritz crackers

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I went to the doctor feeling ill and he said

“Lie down and cover yourself in salt.”

“How will that help?” I asked.

“Don’t know,” he said. “But in a week’s time you’ll be cured”.

curing salt

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Deleted scene from Alien:

“I can’t open the milk!”

“In space, no-one can. Here, use cream.”

alien_1979_tom_skerritt_sigourney_weaver

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