Posts Tagged ‘luck’

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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There are times and places I suppose one shouldn’t laugh, not that I bother too much about that, but one time when it is socially acceptable is on a Monday morning.

Here is your chance to test that out with another selection of ridiculous quiz show answers.

Enjoy.

 

 

Q: Name something roofs are made of  

A: Chalk stuff

 

 

Q: Name something men do when they run out of clean underwear         

A: Turn them inside out 

 

 

Q: Name something that people steal from work

A: Cash register

 

 

Q: Name a famous Peter          

A: Peter

 

 

Q: Name something that finishes the sentence: “You’re slower than…”     

A: Moses         

 

 

Q: Name something you feel before you buy it  

A: Excited        

 

 

Q: Name something you hope your dog doesn’t do right before he licks your head         

A: Burps          

 

 

Q: The ideal daily temperature   

A: 98.6?F         

 

 

Q: Name something with claws  

A: Christmas    

 

 

Q: Name something you wear two of at the same time   

A: Underwear    

 

 

Q: The first thing you take off after work           

A: Underwear

 

 

Q: An occasion for which you stayed up all night           

A: Lost virginity

 

 

Q: Name something that just you know is going break when its warranty runs out

A: Glass

 

 

Q: Name a bird that some people look like when they walk         

A: Dolphin

 

 

Q: Name something you hope your husband never loses (asked to 100 married women)  

A: His pants

 

 

Q: Name something a woman needs to have before she gets married     

A: A pap smear

 

 

Q: Name something babies throw out of their crib          

A: Prayer book 

 

 

Q: Name something that gets wet when you use it          

A: Toilet paper  

 

 

Q: Name something that guests get hit with on Jerry Springer     

A: Keys           

 

 

Q: An occupation that begins with the letter “J”  

A: A jackhammerer

 

 

Q: Name something people take to a bath         

A: Duck

 

 

Q: Name a letter many words begin with

A: Dear John    

 

 

Q: Name something you wish you had one of for each person in your home       

A: A house

 

 

Q: Name something office workers turn off at the end of the day           

A: Their brains  

 

 

Q: An actor who played a gangster       

A: Al Capone    

 

 

Q: Name something you throw away daily          

A: Toilet paper  

 

 

Q: Name a place where you take off your clothes, besides home           

A: School

 

 

Q: Name something you wash more than once per day   

A: Socks

  

 

Q: Name a man’s name that starts with the letter “P”

A: Porcupine

 

 

Q: Name something that rhymes with ‘coke’

A: Toke

 

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Like this time last week this is a test that isn’t a test. Just a series of questions that will hopefully make you think and make you smile. Although you don’t hear them asked very often, if at all, some of the questions are quite reasonable.

If you find you can answer any or all of them, then well done.

As usual, enjoy.

 

 

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

 

What disease did cured ham actually have?

 

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

 

Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up like every two hours?

 

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

 

Why are you ‘IN’ a movie, but you’re ‘ON’ TV?

 

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

 

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.

 

Why is ‘bra’ singular and ‘panties’ plural?

 

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

 

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

 

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

 

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

 

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

 

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?

 

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

 

Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your ass?

 

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

 

Do the ‘Alphabet song’ and ‘Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star’ have the same tune?

 

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

 

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Crikey! Not only has another Monday arrived with us but now we’re into September, summer is winding down and Autumn beginning. Personally I prefer the Spring time when everything is coming back to life rather than shutting down, but we have to take what we get.

Hope another selection from the quiz show answers archive helps your mood for the beginning of another week.

Enjoy.

 

 

Q: Name a seafood that comes in a can, besides tuna   

A: Albacore

A: Chicken of the Sea   

 

 

Q: Name something worn only by children         

A: Clothes        

 

 

Q: The birthday that men dread the most           

A: Their wife’s  

 

 

Q: An activity that is both healthy and fun          

A: Sex

 

 

Q: Name a kind of bank that doesn’t deal with money    

A: Sperm         

 

 

Q: An attraction you see in every parade           

A: Merry-go-round         

 

 

Q: Name something you put in empty coffee cans         

A: Spaghetti

 

 

Q: Name a reason you might stay inside on a beautiful day        

A: It’s raining    

 

 

Q: Name a children’s story about an animal       

A: David and Goliath     

 

 

Q: Name a famous woman you wouldn’t want to see wearing a thong     

A: Sally the hippo         

 

 

Q: Name something you hear at a New Year’s Eve party 

A: Gunfire

A: A parade

 

 

Q: Name a farm animal that people have as a pet          

A: Turkey         

 

 

Q: Name something you rent for one day          

A: A stripper     

 

 

Q: An occupation where someone wears a robe at work 

A: Prostitute

 

 

Q: Name something you associate with the Dallas Cowboys      

A: Cowboy hats

 

 

Q: The most lovable breed of dog        

A: Kitten          

 

 

Q: Name something associated with Cuba         

A: It’s in South America

 

 

Q: Name a character from the movie Aladdin     

A: Jihad

 

 

Q: Name a Jewish person that had a great impact on society     

A: Mussolini     

 

 

Q: Name a movie with the word “King” in it         

A: King Dracula

 

 

Q: Name a measurement of time           

A: Watch

 

 

Q: One thing people do to imitate a dog when playing charades 

A: Lift their leg  

 

 

Q: An appliance you should definitely keep your fingers out of  

A: Dishwasher  

 

 

Q: Name something you think that all drivers, except you, should get a ticket for doing   

A: Driving on the median           

 

 

Q: An animal that starts with the letter A 

A: Arachnophobia

 

 

Q: Somewhere a man might go after he gets divorced   

A: Go buy a car

 

 

Q: Name something celebrities might be embarrassed to endorse on a commercial         

A: Name a douche        

 

 

Q: An occupation whose members must get tired of smiling       

A: Game show host      

 

 

Q: An Olympic sport starting with ‘S’     

A: Skydiving     

 

 

Q: Name something that might be a pizza topping in a horror movie       

A: Feces

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 .

I’m going to run a short series of ‘Witty One-Liners’ from the late great comedian, George Carlin.

I didn’t agree with everything George believed in or everything he said, but the man had a great gift of looking at life from a slightly different, and very humorous, perspective than most people.

I hope you enjoy them too.

George Carlin

George Carlin

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If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

 

Is there another word for synonym?

 

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

 

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

 

Why are a ‘wise man’ and a ‘wise guy’ opposites?  

 

Why do ‘overlook’ and ‘oversee’ mean opposite things?

 

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

 

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

 

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

 

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!

 

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

 

Have you ever noticed that their ‘stuff’ is shit and your ‘shit’ is stuff?

 

You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.

 

If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

 

No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.

 

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”

 

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

 

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

 

Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

 

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 .

First, let me put your mind at rest, today is a test that isn’t really a test, so don’t worry.

Instead I have a selection of twenty curious questions, some of which can be answered, others perhaps not.

But they are worth thinking about, and, they might, I hope, make you smile too.

Enjoy!

 

 

1.  Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

 

2.  Is it wrong for a vegetarian to eat animal crackers?

 

3.  If people from Poland are called ‘poles’ are people from Holland called ‘holes’?

 

4.  Can you cry under water?

 

5.  Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

 

6.  What is another word for thesaurus?

 

7.  Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?

 

8.  What do they use to ship styrofoam?

 

9.  When sign makers go on strike, what do their signs say?

 

10. Is it okay to shoot tourists during tourist season?

 

11. Why can’t we tickle ourselves?

 

12. Why does the word ‘monosyllabic’ have five syllables?

 

13. Why do they call a building a ‘building’ when it is already built?

 

14. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too?

 

15. If honesty is the best policy, then is dishonesty the second best policy?

 

16. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how will anyone ever know?

 

17. If Harry Potter has magical power, why does he need to wear glasses?

 

18. How important does a person have to be before they are considered ‘assassinated’ instead of just ‘murdered’?

 

19. Why do you have to ‘put your two cents in’… but it’s only get a ‘penny for your thoughts’? Where’s that extra penny going to?

 

20. Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

 

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Mondays wouldn’t be the same without a selection of answers given by Joe Public on television quiz shows. Here’s the latest batch from the archives. 

Usual Disclaimer: If you are of a nervous disposition please read the following with caution, severe feelings of intellectual superiority may follow.

Enjoy!

 

 

Q: Name something people want to be buried with         

A: Their home   

 

 

Q: Name a phrase some husbands dread hearing          

A: “Honey, I’m home”    

 

 

Q: Name something you learn how to do from a how-to book     

A: Read           

 

 

Q: Name something that goes off when a fuse blows     

A: Lighter

A: Gas

 

 

Q: Name something that breaks out      

A: A baby         

 

 

Q: Name a holiday usually celebrated on Mondays in order to get a three day weekend   

A: Thanksgiving

A: Somebody’s birthday

 

 

Q: An animal people fear because it’s a man-eater         

A: Hippo           

 

 

Q: Name something you’d hate to be doing on airplane when it hits turbulence    

A: Having sex   

 

 

Q: Name a part of the telephone           

A: The bottom part        

 

 

Q: Name something a baby might hide in his diaper if he didn’t want his mommy to leave home  

A: Kelly Clarkson          

 

 

Q: An unwelcome gift people receive from a cat

A: A bowl         

 

 

Q: An animal whose eggs you’d never eat for breakfast 

A: Hamster       

 

 

Q: Name a tradition associated with Christmas   

A: Hanukkah    

 

 

Q: The worst place to be when you need to use the restroom     

A: On a game show      

 

 

Q: Name something you might find on an old pirate ship, besides pirates           

A: A wrecked pirate ship

 

 

Q: Name something that goes up          

A: An erection

 

 

Q: Name something that is prohibited on most beaches 

A: Sex 

 

 

Q: Name something that falls from the trees      

A: Bird shit       

 

 

Q: Name something that has to warm up before you use it         

A: Wife

 

 

Q: Name a type of foreign money         

A: Monopoly     

 

 

Q: Name a weather term that can also describe your wife           

A: Wet 

 

 

Q: Name a job that helicopters are used for       

A: Tuna fishing 

 

 

Q: Name a happy occasion where you feel a little let down when it’s over

A: Funeral        

 

 

Q: Name something that comes with a summer storm    

A: Snow           

 

 

Q: Name something you wouldn’t want the police to find in the trunk of your car 

 A: Pickles                    

 

 

Q: Besides a house or a car, the most expensive item you own  

 A: Car  

 

 

Q: Name something starting with the word “Club”           

A: Golf club      

 

 

Q: Name a place where people are scolded for falling asleep     

 A: Traffic school

 

 

Q: Name a male dancer

A: Betty Grable 

 

 

Q: Name a famous rock band that starts with the word “The”      

A: The KISS     

 

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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A lot of idiots kill themselves accidently. I’ve highlighted a few examples on this blog of people whose stupidity led to their demise.

But some do it on purpose.

If they are really dumb, however, they don’t quite manage to do it the way they had planned.

Here are some examples.

 

1. Objective Attained – Method Unexpected

Frenchman Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide.

He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck.

He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock.

He then drank some poison.

Then he set fire to his clothes.

He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment.

The plan seemed foolproof. Alas it was not.

As he jumped he fired the pistol.

However, the bullet missed him completely and instead cut through the rope above him.

Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea.

The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and the salty water he ingested made him vomit the poison.

He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he subsequently died of hypothermia.

There must have been an easier way. 

Jacques LeFevrier

Jacques LeFevrier

 

2. Strike another one Elvita!

One Sunday while on a visit to the Empire State Building in New York City, Elvita Adams clambered over an 8 foot high iron fence surrounding the observation deck at about 8.25pm.

She jumped off the building and plummeted earthwards.

But only for a few feet.

A strong gust of wind, possibly as high as 30mph, pushed her back towards the building and she landed on a balcony on the 85th floor, with nothing more than a broken leg.

Asked why she had wanted to commit suicide she said it was because she had been a failure at everything she tried.

Strike another one Elvita!

Empire State Building

Empire State Building

 

 

3. She Fell For Him Big Time

Back in France again, suicides at the Eiffel Tower are apparently quite common. In fact France has one of the highest suicide rates at 17.5 suicides per 1000 people!

Killing yourself with the 1,063 foot “Iron Lady” is the third most popular French suicide method behind poisoning and hanging (both of which the guy in the first incident tried unsuccessfully).

A few times, people have attempted to kill themselves but failed to do so. One man was blown onto a rafter by the wind and he was spared. But the most curious case was one in which a woman who jumped, landed on the roof of a car and later married the man who owned it!

Boy did she fall for him!!!

Eiffel Tower, Paris

Eiffel Tower, Paris

  

4. Taxi!

In Buenos Aires, Argentina, a woman threw herself off the 23rd floor balcony of the Hotel Crown Plaza Panamericano in an apparent suicide bid. However her attempt failed when a taxi caught in traffic below cushioned her fall.

Although the impact of her landing on the car shattered its windscreen and made a huge dent in its roof, the impact was not hard enough to end her life.

Instead, the 30-year-old woman was left with broken hips, ribs and significant internal bleeding.

The driver of the taxi, Miguel Cajal, told a local TV station that he noticed policemen stopping traffic and were looking upward. This made him instinctively jump out of his car.

“I got out of the car a second before. If I had not got out, I would have been killed,” the BBC quoted him as saying. The impact, he added, “made a terrible noise.”

The aftermath of a suicidal woman landing on a taxi

The aftermath of a suicidal woman landing on a taxi

 

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, Monday has rolled round again. And that means it’s time to meet more morons from the quiz show answers archive.

As always, a warning to those of a nervous disposition – this post contains some extreme stupidity, so handle with care.

Enjoy!

 .

 

Q: Like “sugar bowl”, a bowl that’s named for the substance it contains    

A: Toilet bowl

 

 

Q: Name something your body has that begins with the letter “L”

A: Lice 

 

 

Q: Name something that makes you feel uneasy all day long if you forget to do it in the morning

A: Get dressed 

 

 

Q: Name a vegetable you stuff 

A: Brussels sprouts

A: Watermelon 

 

 

Q: Name a kind of place where it’s smart to know where the exits are      

A: Church         

 

 

Q: Name something a man might buy his girlfriend a pair of       

A: Boobs

 

 

Q: Name an expensive holiday, besides Christmas        

A: Wedding      

 

 

Q: What is a slang name for policeman?

A: Dick

 

 

Q: What is something that you have to do to get your husband’s attention during the Super Bowl?          

A: Take off your clothes

 

 

Q: What is the longest you’ve ever been on the telephone?

A: Alaska         

 

 

Q: Name a real or fictional, a famous Willie        

A: Willie-the-Pooh         

 

 

Q: Name a beverage you stir before drinking     

A: Water          

 

 

Q: Name a food that makes noise when you eat it          

A: A really loud hamburger         

 

 

Q: Name something a duck and a chicken have in common        

A: They quack  

 

 

Q: Name another word for sleep

A: Sleeping

A: A coma

 

 

Q: What is a slang word for “wife”?       

A: Bitch           

 

 

Q: Name something that is transplanted

A: Brain

 

 

Q: Name a noisy bird    

A: Chipmunk    

 

 

Q: Name something you would cheat on if you knew you wouldn’t get caught     

A: Family Feud 

 

 

Q: Name a street name that is common to cities all over the US  

A: Hollywood Boulevard 

 

 

Q: Name something you tune    

A: Fish 

 

 

Q: What shouldn’t you do in someone else’s car?          

A: Pass gas

A: Get arrested

 

 

Q: Name a game played on a table besides cards         

A: Poker          

 

 

Q: Name something you rent for a party

A: Food

 

 

Q: Name a party game that would be more fun to play in the nude          

A: Monopoly

A: Chess          

 

 

Q: Name a vegetable you marinate        

A: Grapes        

 

 

Q: Name something you’d hate to discover was living in your attic          

A: Furniture      

 

 

Q: Name something Russia is famous for          

A: Russians     

 

 

Q: Name a farm animal that the farmer may grow so fond of, he might not want to eat it  

A: Dog

 

 

Q: Name something a teenage boy can do for hours      

A: Masturbate   

 

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Throughout history opposing factions, whether in politics, racial campaigns, sports competitions or even wars, have used cartoons as a medium to promote their side and to denigrate the opposition.

Nowhere was this better seen than during WWII when both sides used thousands of derogatory cartoons to depict the ‘enemy’.

But one of the most humorous incidents occurred much earlier, during the Napoleonic war between France and England.

It allegedly took place in the little town of Hartlepool on the north-east coast of England.

As part of the propaganda campaign in England during this war the enemy, the French, had been portrayed as short and hairy, sort of monkey-like. The cartoon below will give you the idea.  

Napoleonic Wars propaganda cartoon of a Frenchman

Napoleonic Wars propaganda style cartoon of a Frenchman

Also, during the Napoleonic Wars there was great fear that the French had plans to invade Britain and therefore much public concern about the possibility of French infiltrators and spies.

As a consequence the fishermen of Hartlepool kept a close watch on French vessels sailing near the English coast.

One day, as they watched, a French vessel was seen struggling against a storm. It took a severe battering in the rough seas and eventually sunk.

The Hartlepool fishermen then turned their attention to the wreckage washed ashore.

Among the wreckage lay one wet and sorrowful looking survivor. It was the ship’s pet monkey and, to amuse the sailors, it had been dressed in a military style uniform.

Stupid individuals are one thing, annoying but they can be handled. Group stupidity on the other hand is extremely dangerous. The stupidity level seems to increase by at least ten times the number of morons gathered together. I’m sure there’s a mathematical formula for this, there should be.

So, severely intellectually challenged, and thinking they had captured the enemy, the Hartlepool fishermen apparently questioned the monkey and held a beach-based trial.

Unfamiliar with what a Frenchman looked like, and unable to understand what he (the monkey) was saying (presumably “ooh ooh aah”, as opposed to “oh la la”), they came to the conclusion that this poor primate was a French spy.

They quickly sentenced the French spy (monkey) to death and the unfortunate creature was hanged, with the mast of a fishing boat (a coble) providing a convenient gallows.

A very strange case of mistaken identity indeed!

Hartlepool Fishermen Hanging Of The French Monkey Spy

Hartlepool Fishermen Hanging Of The French Monkey Spy

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, it’s time to assess the level of general intelligence of the average contestant on television quiz shows.

I suppose, as ever, this post should come with a severe stupidity warning for those of a nervous disposition.

Here we go.

Enjoy!

 

 

Q: Name something a caveman would put on his to-do list         

A: Buy a car

 

 

Q: Name a fictional island         

A: Rhode Island

 

 

Q: Name a fast food restaurant with somebody’s first or last name in the title     

A: Burger King

 

 

Q: Name something twins share while growing up          

A: Mother’s breast        

 

 

Q: Name a man’s name beginning with the letter K         

A: Kentucky Fried Chicken        

 

 

Q: Name an excuse that a girl gives not to invite you in after a date        

A: Her husband is home

 

 

Q: Name a president who served two full terms  

A: Abraham Lincoln

 

 

Q: Name a thing or place dogs are known to drink from 

A: A hydrant     

 

 

Q: Name an animal with three letters in its name 

A: Frog

A: Alligator       

 

 

Q: Name something made of leather that a cowboy uses           

A: Purse          

 

 

Q: Name a yellow fruit  

A: Orange        

 

 

Q: How often a newlywed couple makes love    

A: Three times a day

 

 

Q: Name something you often misplace in your car        

A: Steering wheel          

 

 

Q: Name something that works better after it’s been broken in    

A: Husband      

 

 

Q: Name something everyone knows about Cinderella    

A: She could talk to animals      

 

 

Q: Name a way parents reward children 

A: Time out      

 

 

Q: Name a sport husbands and wives can play together 

A: Kickball

 

 

Q: Name something specific kids leave behind when they move out of the house           

A: Their parents

A: A blender

A: Boyfriend/Girlfriend   

 

 

Q: Name something the English are famous for 

A: Driving on the wrong side of the road  

 

 

Q: Name something on a chihuahua that’s tiny   

A: Its Peter

 

 

Q: Name a hobby people take up for the thrills involved 

A: Stamp collecting       

 

 

Q: Name something that doesn’t work without water       

A: Ice cream cone        

 

 

Q: Name something you make out of flowers    

A: Cookies       

 

 

Q: Name something people do clothed that others don’t

A: Ride a motorcycle     

 

 

Q: Name a product that, according to its commercials, will make you more popular         

A: Toilet paper

 

 

Q: Besides an airplane, something man-made that flies  

A: A jet

 

 

Q: Name a vacation city where you would need a lot of money   

A: Hawaii

A: Europe         

 

 

Q: Name something you see along the side of a street   

A: Carnage       

 

 

Q: Name something a hostess does to let her guests know it’s time to leave       

A: Goes to bed 

 

 

Q: Name something of yours that you hit when it’s not working properly 

A: Your spouse 

 

 

Q: Name one of the seven dwarfs         

A: Snoopy

 

 

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