Posts Tagged ‘Life’

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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As if you didn’t know from the title – it’s pun day again!

More word play jokes to be enjoyed or endured depending on your taste.

Try them out.

And enjoy!

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rofl

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My wife and I were happy for 25 years.

Then we met.

wife-husband-cartoon(3)

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I went for an audition the other day.

They were casting 13 people to be clouds.

14 showed up.

It was overcast.

films-standing_in_line-stands-queues-audition-auditioning-tzun414l

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Billy: “Did you that movie yesterday where

the actress that was stabbed by a psycho?

Reese…what’s her name?”

Tommy: “Witherspoon?”

Billy: “No with a knife.”

Reese Witherspoon

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Have you ever had an accident at work?

Yes, my secretary is pregnant.

secretary pregnant

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Rats are under rated.

Just check your dictionary.

dictionary rat

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I woke up this morning and there was a bloke stealing my gate.

I didn’t want to say anything in case he took a fence.

Fence Main

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The fattest man in Britain has recently relocated

from Bath to Poole as he ‘needs more living space’.

bath

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Some terms are really misleading.

I went into the changing room several times.

It was still the same.

Changing-Room-Door

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I used to feed gorillas at the Zoo from a distance using a golf club.

I’d drive them bananas.

monkey_likes_banana_golf_ball

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I was asked to describe my life in a nut shell.

“Very dark and cramped,” I replied.

Nutshell

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I lost my watch earlier.

I would have looked for it but I didn’t have the time.

Watch

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My friend Daniel wouldn’t believe me when

I told him that his name was an anagram.

He’s in denial.

denial

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I was going to start taking self defense lessons

but I decided on a math class instead.

I’m a firm believer there’s safety in numbers.

sums25eq

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I saw a billboard on the way to work this

morning that read “Future Events.”

Well, that’s a sign of things to come.

Future_Events

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A Zulu walking through the jungle comes across a pygmy standing over a dead lion.

“Did you kill that lion?” asks the Zulu.

“Yeah, I beat it to death with my club,” the pygmy replies.

“Wow, you must have a big club,” says the Zulu.

“Yes,” replies the pygmy. “There’s about thirty of us.” 

pygmy

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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The Sunday Sermon

So there are more difficulties plaguing the implementation of the Affordable Care Act.

Now there’s a shocker folks!

I’ve already highlighted the mess that the government has made in trying to bring it’s computer systems online to enable enrollment in the new program. (See “What Am I” post from about a month ago)

obamacare-cartoon

Now people who thought they were already adequately insured are finding that this may not be the case, at least not for much longer. The private insurance issue is affecting lots and lots of people all over America, particularly those who were trying to be responsible and had adequate insurance for themselves and their families.

Most of them bought their insurance on the open market. Obama promised that would still be secure after his new Affordable Care Act was implemented.

He said, “If you like your health care plan, you can keep your health care plan.”

He lied.

Obama’s new law actually outlaws all but a small percentage of “grandfathered” individual insurance policies and requires carriers to instead offer coverage that is more comprehensive.

And there’s more trouble ahead. In 2018, an Obamacare tax on high-cost insurance plans kicks in and could cause upheaval in that part of the market as well.

The truth is that the law was designed to gradually eliminate the old system altogether.

The result?

All across the country those who thought they had adequate insurance are being issued with notices from insurers explaining that their plans are ending. Ending thanks to the Affordable Care Act.

It has understandably caused confusion, fear, anxiety and a great deal of anger.

Obamacare cartoon

Losing health insurance can be a terrifying possibility in America. Particularly as one gets older and policies are more difficult and expensive to replace.  

So is this the last of the Obamacare problems?

I think it would be a very safe bet to say no it won’t.

Affordable Health Care is a laudable goal. I’ve always said that. But the way to tackle it is to make the existing system more affordable by curbing the excessive profiteering of drug companies and medics, not burdening this and future generations of ordinary Americans with another government white elephant that the country can’t afford.

Unfortunately the government just doesn’t get it – “affordable” means you can actually afford it!

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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A slight break from the usual today.

Never one to hide from controversy, I want to open up a discussion on a subject that has over the years been debated intensely but never proved conclusively.

Let me set the scene.

Peter Falk as Columbo

One of the most enduring characters on television has to be Lieut. Columbo, the short, disheveled, cheap cigar smoking, eccentric detective of that name, who by persistence, dogged investigation of the clues and a deceptive intelligence, always managed to get his man, or his woman.

Now I know you could have driven Columbo’s beat up Peugeot through some of the holes in the plot lines, but that aside, Peter Falk’s unique interpretation and portrayal of the character always made for enjoyable TV watching. Even the repeats, of which there have been many over the past three decades or so.

Columbo's old battered Peugeot cabriolet

There’s no argument, or there shouldn’t be, as to Falk’s acting ability. Although known by a lot of people only as Columbo, he also played many other roles both on the big screen and on television.

But Falk also had a disability. He lost an eye due to a childhood disease and as a result for most of his life he wore a glass eye.

And that gets us to the great debate I was telling you about in the intro to this post.

In the Columbo series, there is nothing in the scripts that indicates that Lieut. Columbo had been injured as a policeman or in an accident.

So the big question is, as Lieut. Columbo, was Falk’s glass eye a glass eye, or was it a glass eye playing the part of a real eye?

glass eye

I used to think that we were the only people whose minds were warped enough to think up a question like this, but apparently others have been asking the same question and I have even on one occasion heard the subject mentioned on TV.

So what is the answer?

Do you know, or do you have an opinion one way or the other?

If you have, please let me know. There are already far too many uncertainties in the world at the moment. One less would help things along greatly!

Thanks.

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Time for another selection of fascinating facts. How you use these is up to you, but some of them may well come in handy sometime.

Enjoy.

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did you know

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Every year Alaska has about 5,000 earthquakes,

1,000 of which measure above 3.5 on the Richter scale

 Alaska_earthquakes.

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There are approximately 7,000 feathers on an eagle

– even a bald one!

bald_eagle

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The average person changes their career every 13 years

career change

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The total mileage driven by all U-Haul trucks in a year

is enough to move a person from the Earth to the moon

five times a day for an entire year

U-Haul Truck

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Scientists with high-speed cameras have discovered

that rain drops are not tear shaped

but rather look like hamburger buns.

rain-drop-shape-diagram

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570 gallons of paint would be needed to paint the outside of the White House

– make that 570 gallons of white paint

Whitehouse South Facade

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Tiger Woods is the first athlete to has been named

“Sportsman of the Year”

by magazine Sports Illustrated two times

Tiger-Woods

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In 1996, toy company Mattel released a “Harley Davidson” Barbie.

This dolls distinctive feature is a birth mark on her face

that changes position with every new release of the doll

barbie_harley

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In the Sahara Desert there is a town named Tidikelt,

which did not receive a drop of rain for ten years

Tidikelt_map

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The most senior crayon maker Emerson Moser

retired after making 1.4 billion crayons for Crayola.

It was then that he revealed that he was actually colorblind

Emerson Moser

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There are mirrors on the moon.

Astronauts left them so that laser beams could be bounced off of them from Earth.

These beams help give us the distance to the moon give or take a few meters.

lunar mirror

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Tobacco kills more Americans each year

than alcohol, cocaine, crack, heroin, homicide,

suicide, car accidents, fire and AIDS combined

tobacco-kills-more-americans-each-year-than-alcohol

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The oldest bird on record was Cocky, a cockatoo, who lived in London Zoo.

He ceased being Cocky at the age of 82.

 Cockatoo_Moluccan

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There were 13 couples celebrating their honeymoon on the Titanic

titanic

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In July 1874, a swarm of Rocky Mountain locusts flew over Nebraska

covering an area estimated at 198,600 square miles.

It is estimated that the swarm contained about 12.5 trillion insects.

These insects became extinct thirty years later

In-July-1874-2C-a-swarm-of-Rocky-Mountain-locusts-flew-over-Nebraska-covering-an-area-estimated-at-198-2C600-square-miles.-It-is-estimated-that-the-swarm-contained-about-12.5-trillion-insects

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Honorificabilitudinitatibus

is the longest English word that consists strictly

of alternating consonants and vowels

Honorificabilitudinitatibus

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In Haiti, only 1 out of every 200 people own a car which is ironic

considering approximately 33% of the country’s budget on imports

is spent on equipment for fuel and transportation.

streets-of-port-au-prince-port-au-prince-haiti

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The largest diamond found in the United States was a 40.23 carat white diamond.

It was found in 1924 at Murfreesboro, Arkansas at the Prairie Creek pipe mine,

which later became known as the Crater of Diamonds State Park.

The diamond was named “Uncle Sam” after the nickname of its finder,

Wesley Oley Basham, a worker at the Arkansas Diamond Corporation.

uncle sam diamond

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In 1903 Mary Anderson invented the windshield wipers

mary_anderson

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The song with the longest title is

“I’m a Cranky Old Yank in a Clanky Old Tank

on the Streets of Yokohama with my Honolulu Mama

Doin’ Those Beat-o, Beat-o Flat-On-My-Seat-o,

Hirohito Blues”

written by Hoagy Carmichael in 1945.

He later claimed the song title ended with ‘Yank’ and the rest was a joke


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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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The original title of this post was “Farting On Airplanes” because it is really about farting on airplanes, but I thought it might be better just to call it “It’s An Ill Wind”.

No, come on, now you know don’t turn your noses up, or pretend this is something that (a) you’ve never thought about, or (b) never done. Farting on airplanes is an international phenomenon that transcends all nationalities, religions, ages, creeds, classes and colors.

It is in fact the common bond of all the world’s travelers.

Whether it can ever bring us closer together, however, is another thing (Phew!)

longer larger fart plane

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This is a quite embarrassing story. Not something one would normally admit to, but people write unusual things on blogs.

It concerns one of the first long haul flights that I was ever on.

Nowadays, as a seasoned flyer, I always have a good meal before the flight. I don’t suffer from air sickness of any kind and I don’t care for the stuff they call airline food. Back then, however, I was a novice and ended up on board without any breakfast other than a cup of coffee. My stomach was empty – of food anyhow.

All was well for about twenty or thirty minutes and then it started.

The obvious solution would have been to get up and go to the toilet. But easy options aren’t the way I have gone through life so far.

Also it was a big plane, a 747, and the toilets were quite a bit away from my seat. I would face a long walk down the narrow aisle.

Not that the walk itself was the problem. It was just that whoever designs airline seats has arranged things so that the nose and ears of the person sitting down is just about at the same height as the bottom of the person walking casually past.

You see the predicament?

In any case, I found myself in a window seat with two other seats to negotiate before I got to the aisle. Such was the pressure building up that I feared the exertion of hopping over the additional seats would make the whole purpose of the journey somewhat redundant.

There was nothing for it but to stay where I was, with the unfortunate choice being either bursting or releasing some of the pressure. Not unnaturally I chose to do the latter option.

As these things go it was a substantial outcome. But the drone of the plane engines (they were a lot louder in those days, I think, I hope, weren’t they?) seemed to drown out any other background noises.

I didn’t hear a thing.

I double checked by having a quick look at the person unfortunate enough to be sitting beside me, but there was no sign in the expression on his face that anything untoward had happened. Either that or he was a professional poker player with a practiced deadpan expression – or in a state of semi consciousness as a result of the concussive force emanating from the seat beside him.

My confidence grew. I thought of the famous campfire scene from Blazing Saddles and let a few more go in tribute.

Farting Mid Flight

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I was so happy at the relief and at the fact that all was undetected that I allowed myself a triumphant smile, and then even a laugh. The movie I was watching was a comedy so my laughter didn’t look out of place either.

It was all good.

Hang on a minute.

All was not as good as it seemed.

Cut the laughter and cue serious worried face.

I suddenly realized that all this time I had been wearing the headphones the flight attendant had given us for the movies they were showing. No wonder I had heard nothing!

Oh dear me! What had I done?

Well, I knew what I had done, of course. The big question now was, did anyone else know? Had they heard me doing it?

I looked again at the man in the seat beside me. Again no perceivable reaction on his face that indicated that anything out of the ordinary had happened, although now I was aware of them I saw that he too was wearing the headphones.   

I was relieved a bit, but still very curious. And when I get curious about something I have to try to find an answer.

So there was nothing for it but let rip again, this time with my headphones off.

And that’s what I did.

Thankfully, in the interests of the scientific experiment now under way, the quality of the offending item had not diminished in force. A guy knows about these things even without any audio feedback.

To my great relief, in every meaning of the word, I still didn’t hear a thing. The drone of the airplane engines had indeed drowned out any other sounds.

It was a magnificently liberating experience and from that day on I have never looked back, as it were.

Further experimentation revealed that the same undetectable result could be achieved even on much smaller airplanes. Commercial jets I’m talking about, of course, this is not a sport to indulge in on a single engined Cesna or something like that.

I also found out that it is possible I have been saving the airlines lucky enough to win my custom a small fortune. As you know the air in airplanes these days is all re-circulated and, as the methane content of a fart is lighter than air, the captured gas therefore contributes to keeping the airplane airborne with a consequent saving on fuel. That’s my story anyhow.

farting in airplanes

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And the good news just keeps on coming.

Independent research confirms that a person’s sense of smell is greatly suppressed in the reduced cabin air pressure, which incidentally is also why airplane food tastes so bad. 

So now if you are on an airplane and sitting beside someone who is chuckling to himself – or herself, yes ladies your secret is out – you’ll know the real reason why!

One day it might even be me!!!

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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How about a short story of love, betrayal, and revenge to end the week?

Enjoy.

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The divorce had just become final and she was preparing to remove all her remaining belongings from what had been “their” house.

On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light. She put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods.

Then she cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, her ex-husband came back to the house with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.

smellyhouse2

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days.

In the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked!

People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit.

smellyhouse1

Finally, the ex and his new girl couldn’t take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move.

But a month later – even though they’d cut their price in half – they couldn’t find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to buy a new place.

It was then that she called her ex-husband and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house.

She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

He was so desperate to get rid of the unsaleable house, that he agreed on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth.

And because he knew she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he wasn’t going to give her any time to visit the place again.

The deal was good only if she would sign the papers that very day!

She agreed.

Within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork which she duly signed.

A week later her ex-husband and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home…….

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……and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods too!

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Aren’t happy endings just great?

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Blunt knives may be pointless, but let’s hope these puns aren’t.

Here we go with another selection of the word play bad jokes.

Enjoy.

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He drove his expensive car into a tree

and found out how the Mercedes bends.

merc crash

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When two egotists meet,

it’s an I for an I.

egotists

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I don’t know why the chicken did it

but crossing the road was poultry in motion.

why did the chicken cross the road

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I was walking down the street today when this hippie jumped

out of nowhere and shoved a joss stick in my face.

I was incensed!

Incense_Sticks

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When I was a kid I wanted to be a history teacher

but when I got older I realized there was no future in it.

History teacher

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One of the girls at the local S&M club had a birthday last week.

We had a whip round for her.

sales_and_marketing

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73% of women buy clothes but never wear them.

I’d like to meet those women.

naked_woman_cartoon

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The other week I made a joke about Alzheimer’s live on TV.

You should have seen the envelopes I got.

empty envelope

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I hate germ warfare.

It gets right on my nerves.

germ_warfare

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The President says that terrorism poses a threat to every single person in the USA.

That doesn’t bother me – I got married last week.

wedding-couple-cartoon

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A jumper cable walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

jumper cables

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I used to hunt seals in my youth.
I’m getting a bit old for the club scene now.

Baby  seal

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Old McDonald had a farm.

Sang the cheery repossession man

Foreclosure Notice

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Don’t take life too seriously;

No one gets out alive.

Dont-Take-Life-Too-Seriously

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