Oh How I Love These Puns. I Think I Have Found My Nietzsche!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, pun day again. For all of you who love (and hate) puns or word play.

Today we are starting off on the topical subject of employment, but there are plenty of other subjects that get the pun treatment as well.

Enjoy (even if you are pretending not to).

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My first job was working in an orange juice factory,

but I got canned

I just couldn’t concentrate.

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Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack,

but I just couldn’t hack it,

so they gave me the axe.

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After that I tried to be a tailor,

but I just wasn’t suited for it.

The job was only so-so anyhow.

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Next I tried working in a muffler factory,

but that was exhausting.

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I wanted to be a barber,

but I just couldn’t cut it.

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I attempted to be a deli worker,

but any way I sliced it,

I couldn’t cut the mustard.

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My best job was being a musician,

but eventually I found I wasn’t note worthy.

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I studied a long time to become a doctor,

but I didn’t have any patience.

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Next was a job in a shoe factory;

but it just wasn’t the right fit.

 

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I became a professional fisherman,

but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

 

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I thought about becoming a witch,

so I tried that for a spell.

 

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I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company,

but the work was just too draining.

 

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After many years of trying to find steady work,

I finally got a job as a historian,

until I realized there was no future in it.

 

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My last job was working at Starbucks,

but I had to quit,

because it was always the same old grind.

 

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If you get sick at the airport

you may have a terminal illness.

 

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Peter won’t fly on virgin airlines

he says he won’t go with anything

that doesn’t go all the way!

 

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You may be an American outside the bathroom,

but inside, European.

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Do you know any puns about electricity?

About watt?

 

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A woman asked me for an example of a double entendre

…. so I gave her one….

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Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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In case the title didn’t give it away, today is pun day!

Hurrah and enjoy!!

But first a quick medical alert….

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Medical Alert:

When you play golf iron deficiencies

can lead to a risk of increased strokes.

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I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from.

Then it dawned on me.

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I was devastated when my girlfriend left me for a dwarf.

I never thought she would stoop so low

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“I only have diamonds, clubs and spades,”

said Tom heartlessly

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Ever wonder why the person who invented the door knocker

wasn’t awarded a No-bell prize.

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I walked down a street where the houses were numbered

64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane.

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If anyone ever says to you that they’ve lost their voice,

They’re lying.

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Tires are fixed for a flat rate.

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If you suffer from kleptomania,

should you take something for it?

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I’ve taken up a part time course in counterfeiting.

I’m forging ahead.

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I broke up with my girlfriend last night.

It happened on the forecourt of a gas station.

Very emotional breakup.

She was in tears and I was filling up….

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The latest market research shows a growing trend

for eating high-fibre cereal for breakfast,

with the result that people are experiencing

greater regularity in their bowel movements.

With trends like that,

who needs enemas?

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Did you hear about the bird that sat on an axe?

It was trying to hatchet

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A boy came into the house with a sofa on his back.

His mother said,

“How many times have I told you not to accept suites from strangers!?”

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I was watching a tv program about the people in Holland who make their traditional clogs?

I thought, I’d like to try that

Wooden shoe?

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A fishing boat is working the North Sea, when suddenly it starts shipping water.

It puts out a Mayday message:

“Help! Help! We are sinking!”

A few minutes back the reply comes through:

“Zis is ze German coastguard. Vot are you sinking about?”

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I’ve eaten steak tartar,

but only on rare occasions

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un oeuf is enough as they say in France!

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My laptop is broken.

It just keeps playing “Skyfall” over and over again.

Probably because it’s a Dell.

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Whiteboards Are Remarkable!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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What was that? Whiteboards are remarkable?

Yes, another pun day awaits below.

Enjoy!

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My New Zealand girlfriend said that

she was falling in love with my rubbish puns,

so I asked her to maori me.

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My boss said I couldn’t park my monster truck in the work car park.

So I went over her head.

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When my grandfather passed away,

I had his ashes kept in an old bottle of vodka.

I know he’s not here right now,

but he’s with me in spirit.

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Feminism is sooooo cute.

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My wife also left me because of my constant animal puns.

She just couldn’t Bear it…

So she Swanned off…

And took the Kids…

Well at least I no longer have to listen to her bleating on…

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I rang the local ramblers club yesterday.

The bloke at the other end went on and on and on.

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Some say a world without sin is ideal,

but there are only so many problems which can be answered

with cos and tan.

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The worst pub I’ve ever been to was called The Fiddle.

It really was a vile inn.

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If you’re always organizing things, you have OCD.

If you’re always eating things, you have OBCD.

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This girl came up to me today and

said she recognized me from vegetarian club.

I was confused, I’d never met herbivore.

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How did I get out of Iraq?

Iran.

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I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length.

Must be some kind of milestone.    

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I’m not a competitive person…

I’ll be the first to admit it.    

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Me and my friend have just been fighting

over which is the best vowel.

I won.      

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Iron man.

What a Fe male.

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Today, I walked into a restaurant.

“Hi, is my table ready?”

“No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?”

“No, that’s okay.”

“Great, take these to table six then.”

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What should you say when you see one of the toddlers

on the Intensive Care Unit is playing with a toy donkey?

ICU baby, shaking that ass.

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Jobs Blow For Sex Workers

 “Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Thought it was safe?

Sorry, pun day again folks.

Enjoy!

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Deja Moo:

The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

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I’m not a complete idiot

Some parts are just missing.

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The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

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A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:

“A beer please, and one for the road.”

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Did you hear about the butcher backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.

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She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg,

but broke it off.

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Without geometry, life is pointless.

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Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

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I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

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Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

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Dockyard:

A physician’s garden.

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A guy was confused about why the doctors had amputated his arms and legs.

In fact he was stumped.

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A man wakes up on a deserted island

only to find that the sun, sand and sea are all purple.

He cried: “Oh no, I’ve been marooned!”

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Men need to stop telling jokes about women’s menstrual cycle!

Period.

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My girlfriend said that she’s leaving me,

because of my constant grass related puns.

I told her to sod off.

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My wife gave me a lecture about

my obsession with mythical creature puns.

It didn’t half Dragon.

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A nine-year-old lad walks into a pub and yells at the barmaid for a Scotch on the rocks.

‘Do you want to get me into trouble?’ she replies.

‘Maybe later,’ says the boy, ‘but now I just want a drink’.

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Some say puns are the lowest form of Hugh Moore…….whoever he is???

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, pun day again! The jokes you love to pretend to hate.

They are a bit like quicksand, the more you struggle the harder it is to get away from them.

Take my advice and just sit back and enjoy.

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Ever since my mate directed his first movie, he’s been a nightmare at parties.

He’s always creating a scene.

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I retired yesterday after working for 30 years on a conveyor belt.

It was a very moving experience.

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My parents are forcing me to wear a turban because of my religion.

It makes me sikh.

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My wife cost me a fortune when I took her out for a meal yesterday.

Take my advice. Never put A la carte before the horse.

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I bought some cheap glasses.

They’re fiver optics.

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I can’t think of any boat puns.

Canoe?

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What’s the difference between Oxfam and Islam?

Oxfam is a non profit organisation.

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If ignorance is bliss,

why are McDonald’s staff never happy?

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A friend of mine dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water

….I think he meant well.

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I don’t approve of political jokes.

I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

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Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

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In case you’re wondering, I don’t suffer from insanity;

I enjoy every minute of it.

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Does The Name Pavlov Ring A Bell?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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What would Thursdays be without a few puns?

Well, yes, okay it would still be Thursday, but a lot less enjoyable.

So what are you waiting for?

I’m sure you are already salivating at the prospect.

Enjoy!

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My desire to be a dermatologist was only skin deep.

I knew I was destined for osteology.

I could feel it in my bones.

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There’s been a break in at a local puzzle factory.

Authorities are still trying to piece things together.

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The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

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The hardest time in a man’s life

is between puberty and impotence.

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I used to think I was trapped in a woman’s body…

Then I was born.

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Never hit a man with glasses.

Hit him with a baseball bat.

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I did some DIY with my step-ladder the other night.

I never really got along with my real ladder.

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My Uncle had his tongue shot off during World War II.

He doesn’t talk about it, though.

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Some people like Pachyderms.

But I find them irrelephant

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My wife left me because of my obsession with sporting puns.

its a shame really because i wanted to discus it.

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I went to the dentist the other day and he told me that he was sick of hearing puns about his job.

So I told him ‘I had a filling you were going to say that’

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I would prefer it if there were Fuhrer puns about the Nazis, thanks very much.

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Did you hear about the transvestite blues singer?

He woke up one morning and he had the blouse.

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I hate when people try to use the word infinity just to be clever.

It annoys me to no end.

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When it comes to charity many people stop at nothing.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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We’re playing with the meanings of words again.

Yes it’s another pun day.

Enjoy!

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Why do they call it a strip mall

if I’m the only one with my clothes off?

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They say that all the best ideas will always fit on a beer mat.

Like a beer, for example.

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When chatting up women, saying “you have beautiful eyes”

is one of the more cornea things to say.

They can see right through it.

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If you want to see real change…..

Always pay with cash.

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My girlfriend keeps telling me that making

clothes based puns is really not funny.

Corset is!

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If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache,

do what it says on the aspirin bottle:

“Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from children.”

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Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?

He decided to stick it out for one more year.

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BA has made a statement about flights out of Heathrow:

“I ain’t getting on no plane, fool!”

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There are 10 types of people in this world.

Those who understand binary and those who don’t.

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Why is it so groovy to be a test tube baby?

Because you get a womb with a view.

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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea.

Does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

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Is dancing cheek-to-cheek really a form of floor play?

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It’s wasn’t that the man did not know how to juggle,

he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

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I hate it when I find a piece missing from a jigsaw.

But I love it when I find a piece missing from a jigsaw.

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Blunt Knives Are Pointless

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Blunt knives may be pointless, but let’s hope these puns aren’t.

Here we go with another selection of the word play bad jokes.

Enjoy.

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He drove his expensive car into a tree

and found out how the Mercedes bends.

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When two egotists meet,

it’s an I for an I.

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I don’t know why the chicken did it

but crossing the road was poultry in motion.

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I was walking down the street today when this hippie jumped

out of nowhere and shoved a joss stick in my face.

I was incensed!

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When I was a kid I wanted to be a history teacher

but when I got older I realized there was no future in it.

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One of the girls at the local S&M club had a birthday last week.

We had a whip round for her.

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73% of women buy clothes but never wear them.

I’d like to meet those women.

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The other week I made a joke about Alzheimer’s live on TV.

You should have seen the envelopes I got.

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I hate germ warfare.

It gets right on my nerves.

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The President says that terrorism poses a threat to every single person in the USA.

That doesn’t bother me – I got married last week.

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A jumper cable walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

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I used to hunt seals in my youth.
I’m getting a bit old for the club scene now.

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Old McDonald had a farm.

Sang the cheery repossession man

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Don’t take life too seriously;

No one gets out alive.

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Is A Plateau A High Form Of Flattery?

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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You guessed it.

It’s pun day!

Time to love or hate another selection of bad jokes dressed up as word play.

Enjoy!

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Son, “Dad, what’s an antidepressant?”

Father, “It’s your Mums fat sister after she’s weighed herself.”

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I took my tomcats to get neutered today.

No hard felines.

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I am writing a TV program about a woman in the 19th century

who suffered painfully during her time of the month.

It’s a period drama.

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I joined a club called Amnesiacs Anonymous.

I can’t remember why.

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I’ve been trying to come up with a pun about fabrics.

But it’s nylon impossible.

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Sign on the maternity hospital delivery room door.

“PUSH PUSH PUSH”

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I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah.

I thought – he’s trying to pull a fast one

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What is the first thing a cowboy says when he walks into a German car showroom?

“Audi!”

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He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

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It was somehow inevitable that the Breast Enlargement company would go bust.

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I can always count on my wife to put things into “hysterical” perspective…

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What do you call a very fat psychic?

A four chin teller.

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The chef was surprised when a dessert came back to the kitchen.

It was a boo meringue.

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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel

and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

“But why?” they asked, as they moved off.

“Because”, he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

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I know it’s not Christmas, but….

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Treadmills Get You Nowhere

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Pun day!

Steel yourselves for some more rather bad jokes.

There must be a few out there with masochistic tendencies because you seem to enjoy puns or word play jokes.

Me too.

So let’s get on with today’s selection.

Enjoy!

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I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.

Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again

that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

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Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

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Banning the bra was a big flop.

 

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Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

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Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.

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A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.

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A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only shorts made from Bubble wrap.

The psychiatrist says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

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Two wrongs don’t make a right.

But three rights make a left.

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Thieves broke into the carpet store last night.

Police think it might be rug related.

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Corduroy pillows. They’re making headlines.

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Why was the dog standing still?

Because it was on paws.

 

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A woman has identical twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.”

The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.”

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, “They’re twins for goodness sake! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

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