Posts Tagged ‘joke’

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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The clue is always in the title.

Today is Pun Day, so brace yourself for more word play and silly jokes.

Go on, you know you love ‘em.

Enjoy or endure.

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rofl

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Can you tell me what someone from Corsica is called?

Corsican!

Corsican traditional dress

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My mum was getting annoyed because of her job sewing things.

I said, “You seamstressed.”

seamstress

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“Timmy , your homework assignment was to read War and Peace.

Why haven’t you read it?”

“Sorry Miss. It’s a long story.”

Tolstoy's War And Peace

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There was this group on Facebook called

‘Help the children in Africa who are suffering from the heat’.

So I became a fan.

fan

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I invested $1000 in some American shares…..

It made a lot of cents.

a lot of cents

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I was on a cruise ship which had both sides labeled as starboard.

Something wasn’t right.

cruise ship

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Don’t bother entering the Repairman Of The Year Award

– it’s fixed

repair man

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I fell out of a 600 story building and lived.

It was a library.

library

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Everyone who tastes my homemade wine says it tastes horrible.

I think it’s just sour grapes.

sour-grapes

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What do you have

if you have a cricket ball in one hand

and a cricket ball in the other?

A really big cricket!

jonata_Cricket

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I got myself a new toy – it’s a laminator.

Basically, it’s a machine that kills baby sheep.

lamb

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My girlfriend left me the other day.

Accordion to her I make tune many musical puns.

Accordion

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A guy walks into the psychiatrist

wearing only shorts made from Bubble wrap.

The psychiatrist says,

“Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

bubblewrap

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What’s the fastest way to get stoned?

Be a woman in Iran.

StopStoning

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“The total cost would be £3000,” said the funeral director.

“That includes digging the grave.”

“Is that the whole thing?” I asked.

He replied, “Yes, that’s the hole thing.”

grave

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Pun Day is here again.

I’m sure you’re delighted!

So here is the latest assortment of word play jokes.

Enjoy or endure.

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rofl

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Did you hear about the scarecrow that won an award?

He was outstanding in his field.

scarecrow

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The dealer asked me ‘how much are you willing to pay for the car?’

’1500, tops’, I responded

‘OK,’ he replied, ‘but they better be short sleeved’.

short sleeved tops

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If I had a penny for every time someone

gave me their dog to look after,

I’d have a pound!

dog pound

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I phoned 911 to report my bike being stolen in the park.

They asked, “What does it look like?”

I replied, “It’s big, green and full of swings.”

swings in park

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Isn’t it odd that funerals always begin

not with sorrow but with fun?

fun funeral

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Female Ninjas

Now there’s something you don’t see.

camouflaged

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The case against a donut thief

turned out to be full of holes.

donut_van_chase

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When the TV repairman got married

the reception was excellent.

tv repairman

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I’ve been sleeping with this bloke’s wife and today he sent me this text:

“You go near her again and ill have you dead! Mark my words!”

To which I replied:

“8 out of 10, I’ll requires an apostrophe and a capital I.”

phone-texting

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When Vincent van Gogh cut off his left ear,

his right ear was left.

Vincent van Gogh

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I failed my medical school entrance exam because of nerves.

The correct answer was blood vessels.

medical school entrance exam

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To some – marriage is a word…

to others – a sentence.

marriage_is_not_a_word_its_a_sentence_t_shirt

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Saw a dude squatting behind a gravestone in the old graveyard.

I thought “What is he doing? I’m letting him know that I see him”

So I shouted “Morning!”

And he shouts back, “Nah, just taking a dump.”

no dumping

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Headline taken from the Peterborough Evening Telegraph:

“MPs call for jobs blow to be reversed”

peterborough jobs blow

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Never mind the fifth Beatle, what about the other

three hundred and fifty seven Degrees?

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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5/3rds? That’s almost half, isn’t it?

But never mind all that, today isn’t about mathematics, it’s about puns.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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Recently got myself a symphony orchestra but for some reason

all they eat is lemons and strawberry shortcake.

They’re called the Bittersweet Symphony.

Bittersweet Symphony

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My brother just got his exam results

for his Double Equine Studies.

He got a G G.

GG

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My friend’s wife started her job on a cruise ship last week.

I asked him, “How is she getting on?”

He replied, “I’m not sure, I think they use a crane.”

crane

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Did you hear about the two clams

who went out on a cheap date?

They were just being shellfish.

clam-thumb-460x260

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Two geologists were staring

at a huge fissure in a cliff face

and one was overheard to say

‘It’s not my fault’.

fissure in cliff face

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I once tried telling a joke about bad postmen,

the delivery was all wrong.

cartoon-postman-running-away-from-a-dog-he-is-dropping-his-letters

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When an actress saw her first strands of

gray hair she thought she’d dye.

first grey hair

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Paddy took two stuffed dogs he had

on to the Antiques Road Show

“Ooooh,” says the presenter.

“This is a very rare breed.”

“Do you have any idea what they’d fetch

if they were in good condition?”

“I dunno.” says Paddy.

“Sticks?”

roadshow2

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My doctor reckons I’m paranoid.

He didn’t say it,

but I know he’s thinking it.

paranoid

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An elderly man with Alzheimer’s walks into a bar

and sees a rather tasty elderly woman.

He walks over and sits beside her and says,

“Do I come here often?”

old man cartoon

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It’s really difficult to find what you want on eBay.

I was searching for cigarette lighters

and found over 15,000 matches.

match and cigarette lighter

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Scientist:

“My findings are pointless when taken out of context.”

Media:

“Scientist claims ‘findings are pointless’.”

cartoon scientist

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My friend was sacked yesterday

for sexual harassment.

No one understands why,

he was always hard at work.

hard at work

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My friend just told me he saw a midget climbing

over the wall of the prison on a bed sheet.

I told him he was a little con descending.

midget

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So the young teenage girl says to her mother,

“I think I’m pregnant.”

“What?” exclaims the mother.

“But we had a talk about this.”

“I told you if a boy touches your breast you are to say ‘STOP’

and if he tries to touch you down there your are to say ‘DON’T’.”

“But Mom,” the girl replies.

“He touched them both at the same time.”

“And I shouted ‘DON’T’  ‘STOP’.”

mom-daughter-cartoon

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Except to predict that you are about to read another selection of those plays on words we call puns.

You’ve come too far to stop now, so you might as well…..

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl .

First some breaking news:

Apple is to start going door to door in a

new marketing effort to sell more of their products

The new sales team members will be known as

iWitnesses.

iwitnesses

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Just got myself a new job working at the

end of the production line in a vodka factory.

I’m making an Absolut packet.

absolut

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When a married couple fall out

about who makes the best coffee

is it grounds for divorce?

bad_coffee_is_grounds_for_divorce_coffee_mug

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Whenever my car breaks down

I take it to my Scottish friend.

Andy McCannick.

Andy McCannick

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My wife curses uncontrollably

when she chews her gum.

She’s got Nicorettes.

Nicorette Gum

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My boss always asks for help with Excel.

My skills are =A1.

excel2

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I’m having trouble keeping my hands warm

with these new fingerless gloves…

Any tips?

Fingerless_Gloves

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I was sat in my front lounge last night when my ex

drove past and threw a can of paint at my window.

I hate it when women get emulsional.

window splattered with paint

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I went out to the shop earlier to buy a book called

“100 Ways How To Build Confidence”.

I couldn’t buy it though,

the guy at the till would have laughed at me.

100 ways to build confidence

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I switched the letters ‘T’ and ‘K’ on my

computer to make it a little bit different.

Now it’s a QWERKY keyboard.

QWERKY keyboard

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Edward Deidde,

the man who spent his entire life explaining

that his surname was “deed” has collapsed.

He was airlifted to hospital

where he was pronounced dead.

confused-doctor-on-shutterstock

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Silent but deadly farts apparently do not count

as having an air of mystery about me.

Silent but deadly farts

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I told my butler a joke about firing him

because the doorbell rang all day.

He didn’t get it.

butler

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So it turns out ornithologists are not the experts

on sexual arousal I had assumed them to be.

ornithologists

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In case the country gets invaded and I have to quickly hide,

I have a big pop art painting on my wall

that hides a secret panic room.

I call it my handy war hole.

Warhol-Campbell_Soup-1-screenprint-1968

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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There is indeed a fine line between hyphenated words – haven’t you noticed?

Yes, it’s the day to play on words, or play with words.

Whatever way you want to put it, it’s pun day!

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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The other day I held the door open for a clown.

I thought it was a nice jester.

clown jester

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I thought my Granny was going to get me a jumper for my birthday

but she just gave me a card again.

cardigan

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I play for my shop fitting company’s football team.

We are great on the counter attack.

a_Dodson_Shop_Fitters_Reception_Counter_with_Glass_Shelves

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I’ve sent a few angry letters to my Congressman.

A ‘G’ and three ‘R’s.

grrr

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I had a good morning today, I met Cameron Diaz.

And her brother, Buenos.

Cameron-Diaz

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I’m lying in bed listening to the Carpenters…

Who are taking way too long installing the new kitchen.

carpenter-kitchen-fitter

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I’ve just started a new extermination company

that specialises in felines.

I’m calling it curiosity.

Curiosity+killed+the+cat.+source+smosh+facebook+page_06d5f5_3980829

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L’Oreal Saudi Arabia.

Burkas you’re worth it.

l'oreal Saudi Arabia, burkas you're worth it

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My other half reckons I might have schizophrenia!

schizophrenia

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I took a poll recently,

and 100% of the strippers asked

were angry they had nothing to dance on.

silhouette-pole

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“OK son, what do you understand

by the word ‘omniscient’?”

He said, “God knows…”

What a clever little boy!

clever little boy

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I’m writing a post about storms.

So far, it’s just a rough draft.

storms

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Did you hear about the mexcian train killer?

He had locomotives.

Mexican train game

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What’s the singular of ‘werewolves’?

‘I’m a wolf’.

Cartoon Werewolf

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I was gob smacked when my Swedish friend came to

visit from the states and was now living as a woman.

He was Bjorn in the U.S.A.

Bjorn in the U.S.A.

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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What other way can you sample beer?

While you are thinking about that here are a few more samples of word plays, otherwise knows as puns.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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I photographed myself stealing from

the DIY store earlier today.

I took some shelfies.

shelves

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My friend Dave has drunk many weird

and wonderful things in his time.

I asked him if he’d ever drunk cologne.

“No,” he replied. “Always with friends.”

Armani_Cologne_for_men

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I don’t know why people feel the need to travel

around the world to “find themselves”;

I found myself years ago.

Turns out I was right under my nose.

nose

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I’ve recently been a stunt man in a couple of movies.

Nothing major, just a couple of small rolls.

Will-Dean-stunt-man-006

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I bought a chair at the furniture store

from a new range based on Thai furniture.

It’s called a ‘Ladyboy’.

La-Z-Boy

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Have you visited www. conjunctivitis. com?

It’s a site for sore eyes

sore eyes

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My attempts at making a ham soup are always ad hoc.

cartoon-ham-8

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With these terrible storms, I’ve been trying to think

of a way of stopping the water entering my property.

Can’t come up with anything though.

Damn!

sandbags dam

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Dijon vu

dijon vu mustard

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My sister fell in love with an arsonist.

She carried a torch for him for months.

They eventually split up, after a blazing row.

lit match

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The new strip bar in my town doesn’t let Jews in.

It’s a gentile man’s club.

Strip-Bar-sign

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I took a ‘Mickey Mouse’ degree and now

I’m head of animation at Disney Studios.

Mickey_Mouse

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Paddy’s in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him.

“Did you find the shampoo?”

“Oi did,” Paddy says,

“But it’s for dry hair and I’ve just wet mine.”

dry hair shampoo

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One of the Sisters at the convent was kidnapped the other day.

Police blamed the lack of security at the premises.

The local newspaper summed it up with the headline…

“No ‘fence.  Nun taken.”

SISTER

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I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery.

I’ve had it right up to here with them.

blank page

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Pun day again. How quickly they seem to come around.

Here’s the latest selection.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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The key to winning world’s best chiropodist title is no mean feet.

worlds_greatest_podiatrist_women_cartoon_poster

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I got woken up at 5am today by a bird tweeting.

If she doesn’t get a grip on her Internet addiction soon, I’m dumping her.

Woman in front of a computer with Twitter logo

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Mulled wine is just wine that people think a lot about.

mulled wine

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My friend told me he is going to a fancy dress

party as a native American warrior.

I thought, that’s brave.

indian brave

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I’ve just given a ten minute presentation

about underwear to Stephen Hawking.

It was a timed history of briefs.

Stephen Hawking A Brief History Of Time

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My friend asked me,

“Why are you so lazy when it comes to numbers?”

I said “You do the maths.”

math problem

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Dave the slug and Pete the termite are in the pub.

“I’d love to win the lottery,” Dave the slug said.

“Not me,” replied Pete the termite. “No way.”

“Why not?” asked Dave the slug.

“It would be a nightmare,” Pete the termite said.

“I’d have all my family crawling out of the woodwork after a share.”

termite cartoon

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I said to the wife, “How come I never find you in the mood for sex?”

She replied, “You don’t look hard enough.”

husband and wife in bed cartoon

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I always pray before I play a game of pool.

That way the angles help me.

pool shark

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Reports are coming in of a huge explosion

in a baking powder factory.

Police are expecting casualties to rise.

explosion in factory

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My wife gets furious when I put her down in front of my friends.

But it’s really embarrassing carrying around a 35 year old woman.

man-holding-woman

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What is small, red and whispers?

A hoarse raddish.

cartoon-radish-raising-his-hands

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While trekking in Nepal I saw a Yeti with an awesome six-pack.

Must have been the abdominal snowman.

abdominable snowman

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To become a good dentist,

you need a degree in Flossify.

flossing cartoon

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Just found out that ‘Aaarrrggghhh’ is not a real word.

I can’t even tell you how angry I am!

aaarrrggghhh

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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A day not sober is often a day wasted and a week without a pun day just isn’t worth thinking about.

So here you are, another short selection of the jokes you love to hate.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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I always have a great laugh when I’m mountain climbing.

I find them hilly areas.

hilly areas

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The worst job I ever had was working in

a factory making cowboy records.

Howdy pressing.

howdy

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Say what you like about iPhones, but you can’t

speak I’ll about their clever autocorrect feature.

autocorrect dad-mom-out

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I spent all morning walking around in the wife’s panties.

She’s a big woman.

big-mamas-undies

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Had to fire my tailor.

It was nothing personal,

he just didn’t seam right.

suits-that-fit-bad-too-big-too-smal1

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My friend told me he was going to

a fancy dress party as an Italian island.

I said to him “Don’t be Sicily!”

sicily_malta_map

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I went to the Job Centre and all they

offered me was a job making beds.

I turned them down.

turndown

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My friend Dave asked me if I wanted him to

recite the first twenty one letters of the alphabet to me.

“It’s up to U” I replied.

up2u

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I used to have more money than sense,

Nowadays I’m broke AND stupid.

22-carat-gold-toilet-paper-for-the-rich-and-stupid-from-the-toilet-paper-man-in-australia-theflyingtortoise

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At last night’s pub quiz, a question came up:

“What is another name for a grey goose?”

I just couldn’t think of the Anser.

anser_erythropus

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My neighbor asked me what I thought of her kids.

I said, “They should go far.”

Brimming with pride, she said “Really?”

“Yes,” I said, “And the sooner they start, the better.”

bad kids

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Two removal men got into an argument.

They took it outside.

cartoon-removal-men

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Been using this blog to try my hand at writing.

So far, it’s being a lot more successful than my foot.

writing

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I have decided to start a company where all the money

made will buy bread for Indian children’s curries.

It will be a naan profit organization.

naan

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When I was a teenager my mum always used to say

that my room was so messy I’d never

get any ‘self respecting girl’ to go in there.

Luckily those weren’t the girls I was after.

drunk-girl

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Exit signs may well be on the way out, but thankfully a bit of word play isn’t.

Welcome to pun day.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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Isn’t it odd that the word “sneaky”

doesn’t have some silent letters in it?

psyneaky

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Every time the fishmonger lost his knife it always

turned up in the last plaice he looked.

plaice

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Bill: “I think my decision to become a vegetarian

was definitely a missed steak.”

Ted: “I couldn’t agree more.

Perhaps we’ll meat again some day.”

the_vegetarian_butcher

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You know, when you think about it,

velcro is a rip off.

TeflonVelcro

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Did you hear about the new porn search engine?

It’s called “go ogle”.

googling_cartoon

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I had my paper ripped up in front of me

and was thrown out of my Xerox Engineers’ exam today.

One of the invigilators caught me not copying.

xerox-cards

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I’ve broken a few hearts in my day,

which turned out to be a good thing.

It made me realize that being a

cardiologist just wasn’t my thing.

broken-heart-icon

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Psychologists say that the left half of the brain

is responsible for kleptomania and numeracy.

So it really is the taking part that counts

cartoon-brain-1

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A gold nugget walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “A U get the hell outta here”

gold-nugget-smiling

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Did you hear about the contortionist

who got arrested for indecent exposure.

He’s worried he’ll have it hanging over

his head for the rest of his life.

contortionist

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There was a knock on my door and when

I opened it a pollster was outside.

She said, “Do you like tents?”

“No,” I replied. “Why?”

“Well,” she said. “We’re canvassing the whole area.”

polling-cartoon

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I’ve just seen some new door bells in the

January sales at prices you just can’t knock.

doorbell

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My friend was telling me that this Christmas just passed,

his girlfriend got naked, covered herself in wrapping paper,

and waited for him on his bed.

What a great way to present yourself.

Woman wrapping paper

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My wife said I needed to bond with my son.

So I had him make me a martini, shaken, not stirred.

bond-martini_header

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One of our friends has been dressing up as ‘Wolverine’

every day for the last week and we’re getting a bit worried about him.

I asked him if he thought he really was ‘Wolverine’.

“Nah.” he said. “It’s just a huge act, man”.

wolverine

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