Posts Tagged ‘joke’

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I was walking through the house

the other day with my camera

when I spotted the cat lying on a sofa.

“Hi there.” I said. “Whatya doin?”

“Just chilling out here on the sofa,’” she said.

cat1

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“I have a joke for you,” I said.

So I told her a joke.

It must have been a good one,

my how she laughed.

cat2

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Then I asked,

“Mind if I take your photo?”

“Oh no, no way,” she replied.

“I haven’t combed my fur or anything.”

cat3

 

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It’s Pun Day again.

Does seem a bit déjà vu right enough.

Your chance to giggle or groan, or perhaps a bit of both, as you read the latest word play offerings that we call puns.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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Disposable beds are unreliable.

Disposable beds

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My new band is called ‘DEAF’…

We’ve just been signed.

sign language alphabet

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How subtle is the ‘b’ in subtle?

subtle

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I’ve just fixed the work radio that

had been broken for months,

my colleagues were ecstatic.

You should have heard the reception I got.

radio

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I’ve written a book on how to chop onions.

Read it and weep.

how to chop onions

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What sections of swimming pools do I prefer?

Hmm… Depends.

swimming pools deep end

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I’m contemplating inventing a plane with no wings

then selling it to British Airways.

I know what you’re thinking;

it’ll never take off.

airplane_no_wings

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What do you call dyslexic owls?

Slow!

dyslexic owl

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Remember the shock a few years ago,

when we discovered…

Tiger was really a Cheetah.

Tiger a Cheetah

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I recently completed a PhD in Scottish poetry.

You could say I have third degree Burns.

Rabbie Burns

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I used to live on the 13th floor but

have just moved up to the 14th floor

But that’s another storey. 

13th floor button

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A policeman stopped me as I walked out

of an electrical goods store today.

He said, “Before I perform a search,

do you have anything sharp in your pockets?”

I said, “No, just Sony and Panasonic.”

sharp logo

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I love playing chess at the park with old men.

The hard part is finding 32 of them. 

playing chess at the park with old men

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Since I was a 14 year old lad,

I’ve dated girls in alphabetical order,

starting from A, in an attempt to one day make it to Z.

My newest girlfriend, Yvonne, is convinced I’ll go back to my X.

x

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I was in a quiz the other day and my team,

along with another, tied for first place.

For the ‘tie-breaker’ we were asked one question,

and the first person to shout the correct

answer won it for their team.

The question was as follows.

‘In Paradise Lost, by John Milton,

what was the Capital City of Hell?’

No-one from either team knew the answer

so both teams started shouting loudly

and waving their arms in frustration

at the question being too hard.

Things got a bit heated and a fight broke out

between one team captain and the quiz master.

It was pandemonium.

pandemonium

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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The clue is always in the title.

Today is Pun Day, so brace yourself for more word play and silly jokes.

Go on, you know you love ‘em.

Enjoy or endure.

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rofl

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Can you tell me what someone from Corsica is called?

Corsican!

Corsican traditional dress

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My mum was getting annoyed because of her job sewing things.

I said, “You seamstressed.”

seamstress

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“Timmy , your homework assignment was to read War and Peace.

Why haven’t you read it?”

“Sorry Miss. It’s a long story.”

Tolstoy's War And Peace

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There was this group on Facebook called

‘Help the children in Africa who are suffering from the heat’.

So I became a fan.

fan

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I invested $1000 in some American shares…..

It made a lot of cents.

a lot of cents

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I was on a cruise ship which had both sides labeled as starboard.

Something wasn’t right.

cruise ship

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Don’t bother entering the Repairman Of The Year Award

– it’s fixed

repair man

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I fell out of a 600 story building and lived.

It was a library.

library

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Everyone who tastes my homemade wine says it tastes horrible.

I think it’s just sour grapes.

sour-grapes

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What do you have

if you have a cricket ball in one hand

and a cricket ball in the other?

A really big cricket!

jonata_Cricket

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I got myself a new toy – it’s a laminator.

Basically, it’s a machine that kills baby sheep.

lamb

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My girlfriend left me the other day.

Accordion to her I make tune many musical puns.

Accordion

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A guy walks into the psychiatrist

wearing only shorts made from Bubble wrap.

The psychiatrist says,

“Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

bubblewrap

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What’s the fastest way to get stoned?

Be a woman in Iran.

StopStoning

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“The total cost would be £3000,” said the funeral director.

“That includes digging the grave.”

“Is that the whole thing?” I asked.

He replied, “Yes, that’s the hole thing.”

grave

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Pun Day is here again.

I’m sure you’re delighted!

So here is the latest assortment of word play jokes.

Enjoy or endure.

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rofl

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Did you hear about the scarecrow that won an award?

He was outstanding in his field.

scarecrow

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The dealer asked me ‘how much are you willing to pay for the car?’

‘1500, tops’, I responded

‘OK,’ he replied, ‘but they better be short sleeved’.

short sleeved tops

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If I had a penny for every time someone

gave me their dog to look after,

I’d have a pound!

dog pound

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I phoned 911 to report my bike being stolen in the park.

They asked, “What does it look like?”

I replied, “It’s big, green and full of swings.”

swings in park

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Isn’t it odd that funerals always begin

not with sorrow but with fun?

fun funeral

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Female Ninjas

Now there’s something you don’t see.

camouflaged

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The case against a donut thief

turned out to be full of holes.

donut_van_chase

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When the TV repairman got married

the reception was excellent.

tv repairman

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I’ve been sleeping with this bloke’s wife and today he sent me this text:

“You go near her again and ill have you dead! Mark my words!”

To which I replied:

“8 out of 10, I’ll requires an apostrophe and a capital I.”

phone-texting

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When Vincent van Gogh cut off his left ear,

his right ear was left.

Vincent van Gogh

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I failed my medical school entrance exam because of nerves.

The correct answer was blood vessels.

medical school entrance exam

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To some – marriage is a word…

to others – a sentence.

marriage_is_not_a_word_its_a_sentence_t_shirt

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Saw a dude squatting behind a gravestone in the old graveyard.

I thought “What is he doing? I’m letting him know that I see him”

So I shouted “Morning!”

And he shouts back, “Nah, just taking a dump.”

no dumping

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Headline taken from the Peterborough Evening Telegraph:

“MPs call for jobs blow to be reversed”

peterborough jobs blow

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Never mind the fifth Beatle, what about the other

three hundred and fifty seven Degrees?

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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5/3rds? That’s almost half, isn’t it?

But never mind all that, today isn’t about mathematics, it’s about puns.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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Recently got myself a symphony orchestra but for some reason

all they eat is lemons and strawberry shortcake.

They’re called the Bittersweet Symphony.

Bittersweet Symphony

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My brother just got his exam results

for his Double Equine Studies.

He got a G G.

GG

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My friend’s wife started her job on a cruise ship last week.

I asked him, “How is she getting on?”

He replied, “I’m not sure, I think they use a crane.”

crane

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Did you hear about the two clams

who went out on a cheap date?

They were just being shellfish.

clam-thumb-460x260

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Two geologists were staring

at a huge fissure in a cliff face

and one was overheard to say

‘It’s not my fault’.

fissure in cliff face

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I once tried telling a joke about bad postmen,

the delivery was all wrong.

cartoon-postman-running-away-from-a-dog-he-is-dropping-his-letters

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When an actress saw her first strands of

gray hair she thought she’d dye.

first grey hair

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Paddy took two stuffed dogs he had

on to the Antiques Road Show

“Ooooh,” says the presenter.

“This is a very rare breed.”

“Do you have any idea what they’d fetch

if they were in good condition?”

“I dunno.” says Paddy.

“Sticks?”

roadshow2

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My doctor reckons I’m paranoid.

He didn’t say it,

but I know he’s thinking it.

paranoid

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An elderly man with Alzheimer’s walks into a bar

and sees a rather tasty elderly woman.

He walks over and sits beside her and says,

“Do I come here often?”

old man cartoon

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It’s really difficult to find what you want on eBay.

I was searching for cigarette lighters

and found over 15,000 matches.

match and cigarette lighter

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Scientist:

“My findings are pointless when taken out of context.”

Media:

“Scientist claims ‘findings are pointless’.”

cartoon scientist

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My friend was sacked yesterday

for sexual harassment.

No one understands why,

he was always hard at work.

hard at work

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My friend just told me he saw a midget climbing

over the wall of the prison on a bed sheet.

I told him he was a little con descending.

midget

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So the young teenage girl says to her mother,

“I think I’m pregnant.”

“What?” exclaims the mother.

“But we had a talk about this.”

“I told you if a boy touches your breast you are to say ‘STOP’

and if he tries to touch you down there your are to say ‘DON’T’.”

“But Mom,” the girl replies.

“He touched them both at the same time.”

“And I shouted ‘DON’T’  ‘STOP’.”

mom-daughter-cartoon

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Except to predict that you are about to read another selection of those plays on words we call puns.

You’ve come too far to stop now, so you might as well…..

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl .

First some breaking news:

Apple is to start going door to door in a

new marketing effort to sell more of their products

The new sales team members will be known as

iWitnesses.

iwitnesses

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Just got myself a new job working at the

end of the production line in a vodka factory.

I’m making an Absolut packet.

absolut

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When a married couple fall out

about who makes the best coffee

is it grounds for divorce?

bad_coffee_is_grounds_for_divorce_coffee_mug

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Whenever my car breaks down

I take it to my Scottish friend.

Andy McCannick.

Andy McCannick

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My wife curses uncontrollably

when she chews her gum.

She’s got Nicorettes.

Nicorette Gum

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My boss always asks for help with Excel.

My skills are =A1.

excel2

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I’m having trouble keeping my hands warm

with these new fingerless gloves…

Any tips?

Fingerless_Gloves

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I was sat in my front lounge last night when my ex

drove past and threw a can of paint at my window.

I hate it when women get emulsional.

window splattered with paint

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I went out to the shop earlier to buy a book called

“100 Ways How To Build Confidence”.

I couldn’t buy it though,

the guy at the till would have laughed at me.

100 ways to build confidence

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I switched the letters ‘T’ and ‘K’ on my

computer to make it a little bit different.

Now it’s a QWERKY keyboard.

QWERKY keyboard

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Edward Deidde,

the man who spent his entire life explaining

that his surname was “deed” has collapsed.

He was airlifted to hospital

where he was pronounced dead.

confused-doctor-on-shutterstock

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Silent but deadly farts apparently do not count

as having an air of mystery about me.

Silent but deadly farts

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I told my butler a joke about firing him

because the doorbell rang all day.

He didn’t get it.

butler

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So it turns out ornithologists are not the experts

on sexual arousal I had assumed them to be.

ornithologists

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In case the country gets invaded and I have to quickly hide,

I have a big pop art painting on my wall

that hides a secret panic room.

I call it my handy war hole.

Warhol-Campbell_Soup-1-screenprint-1968

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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There is indeed a fine line between hyphenated words – haven’t you noticed?

Yes, it’s the day to play on words, or play with words.

Whatever way you want to put it, it’s pun day!

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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The other day I held the door open for a clown.

I thought it was a nice jester.

clown jester

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I thought my Granny was going to get me a jumper for my birthday

but she just gave me a card again.

cardigan

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I play for my shop fitting company’s football team.

We are great on the counter attack.

a_Dodson_Shop_Fitters_Reception_Counter_with_Glass_Shelves

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I’ve sent a few angry letters to my Congressman.

A ‘G’ and three ‘R’s.

grrr

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I had a good morning today, I met Cameron Diaz.

And her brother, Buenos.

Cameron-Diaz

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I’m lying in bed listening to the Carpenters…

Who are taking way too long installing the new kitchen.

carpenter-kitchen-fitter

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I’ve just started a new extermination company

that specialises in felines.

I’m calling it curiosity.

Curiosity+killed+the+cat.+source+smosh+facebook+page_06d5f5_3980829

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L’Oreal Saudi Arabia.

Burkas you’re worth it.

l'oreal Saudi Arabia, burkas you're worth it

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My other half reckons I might have schizophrenia!

schizophrenia

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I took a poll recently,

and 100% of the strippers asked

were angry they had nothing to dance on.

silhouette-pole

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“OK son, what do you understand

by the word ‘omniscient’?”

He said, “God knows…”

What a clever little boy!

clever little boy

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I’m writing a post about storms.

So far, it’s just a rough draft.

storms

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Did you hear about the mexcian train killer?

He had locomotives.

Mexican train game

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What’s the singular of ‘werewolves’?

‘I’m a wolf’.

Cartoon Werewolf

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I was gob smacked when my Swedish friend came to

visit from the states and was now living as a woman.

He was Bjorn in the U.S.A.

Bjorn in the U.S.A.

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