Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Why indeed!

I certainly never question the popularity of puns.

So here is another word play day for toy to…..

Enjoy or endure!

.

rofl

.

I went to see my doctor with chronic depression.

I said, “Feeling any happier these days doc?”

doctor with chronic depression

.

.

My friend certainly knows how to make an entrance.

He just put up my new front door.

new front door

.

.

I’ve just broken all my DVDs of Japanese cartoons.

I’m my own worst anime.

anime

.

.

My dog just swallowed my phone

and got it stuck in his throat,

I’m going to ring his neck.

cartoon dog

.

.

Just for a laugh, I changed the font at our local church

but the Vicar wasn’t happy.

It took him half a day to get it back

to Times New Roman.

font

.

.

I’ve gone off them a bit now,

but there was a time when I used to really dig graves.             

grave_digging_afghan

.

.

My new girlfriend really takes my breath away.

She’s inflatable.

inflatable woman

.

.

I could hear the wife moaning about

a wobbly shelf in the kitchen.

I soon fixed that.

I turned the TV up.

tv volume control

.

.

I’m fed up with my friend Adam.

He walks round like he is God’s gift to women.

Adam

.

.

My dad was watching a news broadcast about Gaza.

He was so shocked he dropped hezbollah cornflakes.

cornflakes

.

.

My wife left because she thinks

I have an obsession with electricity.

I was like, “Watt, I’m shocked….

it hertz me when you say stuff like that.

Currently I’ve not been myself I admit,

but it would help if you had some positive input in

my life instead of being negative.

But none of that matters any more,

I’m going ohm.”            

electrical terms

.

.

I’m planning on becoming a shepherd.

It’s easy, I herd.

shepherd

.

.

My next song is about subtraction.

Take it away…      

subtraction

.

.

Leaving her living room,

a blonde finds her husband lying unconscious

at the foot of the stairs and in a panic she calls ‘911’.

“My husband’s fallen down the stairs,” she cries.

“Calm down, madam,” the operator tells her,

“do you know what caused the fall?”

“No, what?”

blonde blonde

.

.

Shop assistants are so rude these days.

I went into the DVD store and asked if they had

any about people stranded on a desert island.

The assistant told me to get lost.

.

.

=============================================

.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

A little nerdy pun in the title to set the tone for today, because it’s another Pun Day.

Some more plays on words, which you will either….

Enjoy or endure!

.

rofl

.

I was thinking of getting a tattoo on my palm

On the other hand I might not bother.

tattoo on my palm

.

.

I’m giving away a free gate.

Honestly, there’s no catch.

gate

.

.

A Rastafarian just gave my friend a haircut.

He looks dreadful.

Rastafarian

.

.

Just been thinking, Hooters should do a home delivery service.

They could call it Knockers.

Hooters

.

.

Whenever anybody asks what I do.

I tell them I’m a Thai boxer, to make myself sound hard.

Sounds better than telling them

I pack men’s neckwear in a warehouse.

muay_thai_boxers

.

.

I find it difficult to count in

Roman numerals until the number 159.

Then it just CLIX.

CLIX

.

.

If you’d like to know more about bulimia,

just do a Google search and see what it throws up.

bulimia

.

.

I used to live in a tire, but it got a puncture.

Now I just live in a flat.

flat tire

.

.

Statistically speaking,

the word “duck” is 75% obscene.

duck

.

.

To those men who whinge and whine

saying it’s too hard to cultivate apples,

I say, “Grow a pear.”

pear

.

.

I want to thank my friend, who looked up

“Agglomeration” for me in the dictionary.

It means a lot.

agglomeration

.

.

Do you think that a Clairvoyants meeting has

ever been cancelled due to unforeseen events.

Clairvoyant

.

.

I’ve written a book about

an Apartment block for Midgets.

It’s a collection of short storeys.

Lego Apartment block

.

.

My Korean friend died last week.

So Yung…

Korean flag

.

.

Apparently Matt Damon believes in two things:

Sequels, and reincarnation.

Basically, he thinks he’ll be Bourne again.

.

.

==============================================

.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

To give you a bit of a break from the normal quiz day – yes, I’m still watching the World Cup football and the final was yesterday. Well done Germany, commiserations Argentina. 

So instead here is one taken by other people.

Twenty questions from a SAT Science Exam and, as well as being amusing, it is also a good commentary on  the state of the education system these days.

.

Quiz 03

.

Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

.

.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

.

.

Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

.

.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

.

.

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?

A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

.

.

Q: What are steroids?

A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

.

.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

.

.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A: Premature death.

.

.

Q: What is artificial insemination?

A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

.

.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow.

.

.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g., abdomen.)

A: The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

.

.

Q: What is the Fibula?

A: A small lie.

.

.

Q: What does “varicose” mean?

A: Nearby.

.

.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?

A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

.

.

Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section”

A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

.

.

Q: What is a seizure?

A: A Roman emperor.

.

.

Q: What is a terminal illness?

A: When you are sick at the airport

.

.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?

A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

.

.

Q: What does the word “benign” mean?

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

.

.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

.

———————————————————————-

.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

But I can still describe today 

–  it’s Pun Day!

Enjoy or endure!

.

rofl

.

If you think you dream in color,

is it just a pigment of your imagination?

dreaming in color

.

.

My boss fired me for complaining about the office escalator,

It didn’t go down well.

office escalator

.

.

First guy: “What would you do if your son told you he was gay?”

Second guy: “I’d buy him a straight jacket.”

straight jacket

.

.

Paddy goes for a job interview at a chemical factory.

The manager asks, “Have you worked with chemicals before?”

Paddy replies, “Yes.”

The manager then asks, “Can you tell me what nitrate is?”

Paddy replies, “Yes, it’s time and a half.”

job interview cartoon

.

.

I was on holiday in the Alps

when I saw a sign saying ‘Ski Hire’.

So I went a bit further up the slope.

ski hire

.

.

I’ve just bought a shire horse.

As if my other horse wasn’t shy enough.

shire horse

.

.

I keep having recurring nightmares where

I’m in a hospital surrounded by loads of pregnant women.

Could I be going through a midwife crisis?

cartoon hospital

.

.

I’ve just got a job testing hover boards.

The money’s not great,

but it keeps me off the streets.

hover boards

.

.

Pirate cheerleaders have it easy.

“Give me an R!”…

Pirate cheerleaders

.

.

A guy came up to me the other day and said,

“I’m a 3-5 stringed instrument of the harp family,

popular among nobles in medieval Europe.”

I said, “You’re a lyre!”

 

lyre

.

.

It will be Google’s birthday soon.

They’re planning a search party.

Google’s birthday

.

.

I went for a depression test.

Came back negative.

Oh, NO!

depression test

.

.

I rang SeaWorld the other day,

because I wanted some information.

Before I got through to an employee,

I got a tape telling me

“This call may be recorded for training porpoises.”

training porpoises

.

.

If someone asks you to

spell “Part A” backwards,

don’t do it.

It’s a trap……

a trap

.

.

Steppenwolf was an assumed name.

He was born Toby Wild.

.

.

=================================================

.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

And the best time for puns is today!

By the way, no liability accepted, so try not to hurt yourselves laughing.

Enjoy or endure!

.

rofl

.

I threw out my vacuum cleaner last week.

It was just gathering dust.

vacuum cleaner

.

.

I work for the hospital dealing with

moving patients between different areas.

It’s a rewarding job.

moving patients

.

.

I’ve had to break up with my imaginary girlfriend.

I’ve started seeing someone else.

my imaginary girlfriend

.

.

My wife always cooks our Christmas Ham in a bottle of wine.

I have no idea how she gets it in there, but it tastes brilliant.

Christmas Ham

.

.

What’s the difference between ‘Approximately’ and ‘Roughly’?

Men are never accused of treating women approximately.

Approximately Roughly

.

.

After battling for years to overcome

my addiction to alcohol gel,

I’m finally clean.

alcohol gel

.

.

Grandad was talking about getting

a hip replacement for my Grandma.

“Someone younger and trendier,” he said,

“Like Megan Fox or Mila Kunis.”

Megan Fox

.

.

I wasn’t always into peer pressure……

My friends got me into it.

peer pressure

.

.

Ever since I took the rear view mirror out of the car

…..I’ve never looked back

the rear view mirror

.

.

I sat down on the settee today to relax and watch a bit of football,

but the picture on the telly was so terrible I couldn’t bear it.

I hate wedding photos.

wedding photos

.

.

I typed an essay in Word about a concerned Bugs Bunny.

I then saved it as ‘Whats Up.doc’

whats-up-doc

.

.

If you like wordplay jokes about pissing

then urine for a treat.

jokes about pissing

.

.

I’ve been offered a job by the government’s Department of New Words.

It’s a fantastic opporchancity.

opporchancity

.

.

I’ve just opened a casino for dogs.

They can play roulette, poker, blackjack

and a host of other games all under one roof.

They have to go outside for craps though.

dogs_poker

.

.

Finally for this week,

and with a certain blog friend in mind,

what did the three campanologists who

fell off a bridge in Paris, France start playing?

“I’m ringing in the Seine, just ringing in the Seine…”

.

.

=========================================

.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Are you are looking for some really funny jokes?

Well, never mind.

Try these instead.

It’s Pun Day!

Enjoy or endure!!

.

rofl

.

I just saw a bird playing chess in the park.

Toucan play at that game.

toucan

.

.

If a vacuum is a volume of space

that contains no matter or particles,

why did someone bother to invent a cleaner for it?

vacuum cleaner

.

.

My son got straight A’s in his italics exam.

Which actually cost him quite a few marks.

straight A's

.

.

24 years ago today the doctor delivered me.

I can’t believe I’ve survived so long without a liver.

liver

.

.

I just bought my 6 month old son one of those baby bouncers.

£10 an hour but he keeps the kid safe

bouncer

.

.

My wife used to be a regular customer at McDonalds.

These days, she’s more of a large.

McDonalds

.

.

Hearing aid for sale.

Give me a shout if you’re interested.

Man uses an ear trumpet

.

.

A man came up to me and said,

“Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.”

I said, “That is very annoying.”

He said, “Well I can only apologize.”

sorry

.

.

I’m lucky, I can always count on my wife.

She wears a lot of beads.

a lot of beads

.

.

“What’s done cannot be undone.”

They obviously didn’t have shoelaces in Shakespeare’s day.

What's done cannot be undone

.

.

So these two morons were making fun

of an old guy on the bus yesterday.

My friend said,

“You have to respect him, he’s a Vietnam vet.”

They just said

“What’s it to us if he helps animals in Vietnam.”

Vietnam vet

.

.

Why did I say I’d win that giant butterfly contest?

Me and my big moth.

big_AZZ_moth

.

.

I just saw two bits of sellotape stuck to a lamppost.

Must have been a missing poster.

funny-missing-picture

.

.

My girlfriend was devastated to find out

that my friends call me

‘The Love Machine’

because I’m terrible at tennis.

terrible at tennis

.

.

Finally for today, this ring cymbalizes so much to me.

.

http://instantrimshot.com/index.php?sound=rimshot&play=true

.

================================================

.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

I couldn’t make my mind for a while whether that title was a pun or a fabulous fact.

But it’s Pun Day, so a play on words it is.

Enjoy or endure!

.

rofl

.

My uncle works for a company

that makes bicycle wheels.

He’s the Spokesman.

bicycle wheel spokes

.

.

Police, “You’re under arrest for trespassing.”

Me, “On what grounds?”

no trespassing sign

.

.

I know a guy who in his spare time likes to dress up as a knight,

and jump over 20 parked cars on a horse.

I call him Medieval Knievel.

Medieval Knight

.

.

Having fake teeth.

That’ll denture confidence

dentures

.

.

I actually tried plane sailing the other day….

It’s not as easy as it’s made out to be.

cartoon plane sailing

.

.

Why do elephants have big ears?

Because Noddy wouldn’t pay the ransom.

Big Ears

.

.

My wife always gets annoyed when I leave her out.

Especially if it’s raining.

woman in rain

.

.

Arkansas is just Kansas with pirates.

Pirates

.

.

Once when I was in Chicago I did 35 press-ups in a row…

The elevator attendant looked pretty annoyed.

elevator buttons

.

.

I’ve spent my entire life researching the multiples of zero,

my career has amounted to nothing. 

lots of zeros

.

.

I asked my friend the other day, “Where’s your mum from?”

He replied, “Alaska.”

I said, “Don’t worry, I’ll ask her myself.”

Alaska

.

.

I saw a man with a trolley

full of horseshoes and rabbits’ feet earlier,

trying to get it up a hill.

I thought, “He’s pushing his luck.”

horseshoes and rabbits' feet

.

.

Some people say it’s sick and perverted to be a flasher.

I think it shows a lot of balls.

cartoon flasher

.

.

A Zen master once said to me,

“Do the opposite of whatever I tell you.”

So I didn’t.

cartoon zen master

.

.

I was referred to Dr. Dre the other day,

I have to go in for a hip-hoperation.

.

.

============================================

.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

But no shock that today is another Pun Day!

Enjoy or endure!!

.

rofl

.

Just opened my Electric bill and my Water bill at the same time.

I was completely shocked.

Utility-Bill

.

The man who invented Velcro has died.

RIP

Velcro

.

.

Keifer Sutherland was held up by Homeland Security

when he flew into LA airport for the

filming of the first episode of a new TV series.

They asked him the purpose of his visit and he said,

“I’m here to shoot a pilot.”

Keifer Sutherland with gun action shot

.

My great uncle was so stubborn,

when he died, he left a won’t.

so stubborn

.

“You make a very good cuppa,” she said.

“It’s my special tea,” I replied.

cup of tea

.

. 

I fell down a really deep dark hole today.

I just couldn’t see that well.

well

.

There are countless films without Dracula in them.

dracula risen-fangs

.

Just read a really sad story about how

blind people get used to new surroundings…

Touching stuff.

blind people touching

.

I’ve decided to stop wearing my glasses.

It makes me look harder.

Worker looking forward, covering eyes from the sun

.

 A rule of grammar:

double negatives are a no-no.

The-Simpsons-s11e06-Hello-Gutter-Hello-Fadder

.

So here I am trekking through the woods……

hang on, bear with me

trekking through the woods

.

Weighing an elephant is just like weighing a human.

But on a much bigger scale.

Weighing an elephant

.

I asked my boss if I could leave half an hour early the other day.

He said, ” Only if you make up the time.”

I said, ” OK. It’s 35 past 50.”         

time-management-clock

.

I work in McDonald’s and a customer was rude to me today,

so I got him back by not putting any Coke in his drink.

Just ice was served.         

glass of ice cubes

.

Brian May is a slightly more optimistic version of Brian Cant.         

.

.

================================================

.

 

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

How often have you seen “The Opportunity Of A Lifetime” pop up on the internet or in your email?

This time it’s different, though.

This time it’s true!

Well, sort of.

stupid dog cartoon

Because this is your chance to own what is possibly the stupidest dog in the world.

And it won’t cost you anything either, we’re giving him away to the first good home

FOR FREE!!!

If you are stupid, and you want a companion at least as stupid as you are, if not more so, this is the perfect dog for you.

His name is ‘Scotty’, (and, yes, I have asked to be “beamed up” several times), but don’t let the name put you off.

You can call him anything you like, ‘Rover’, ‘Patch’, ‘Lassie’, ‘Monday’, ‘Tuesday’, ‘Wednesday’, ‘November’, or whatever, because it’s all the same to him – this dog is so dumb he doesn’t even know his own name.

His lack of knowledge is on such a vast scale I’m astounded the known Universe is expanding rapidly enough to contain it.

He doesn’t know how to sit. He doesn’t know how to stay. He doesn’t know how to come, or to stop, or to heel, or anything you can teach a normal dog to do.

He just doesn’t know anything.

And you won’t have to waste your time and money training him either, because this dog just cannot learn. Believe me I have done my best!

He is painfully stupid in at least the four different languages we have tried. He doesn’t speak English, nor does he hablar español, he hasn’t a clue how to parler francais, and you might as well try to speak klingon as sprechen Deutsch to him.

A big plus is that he is small and won’t eat you out of house and home. All you have to remember to do is buy cat food and not dog food and you’ll be fine. The cat beats him up every time he eats her food, but he doesn’t learn from that either. I don’t think he even knows he’s a dog.

The only one thing he has learned, is not to shit in the house, but in truth I think this has more to do with the fact that every time he tried he discovered he couldn’t with my toe up his arse.

He barks at strangers, which is good. And if he left it at that we wouldn’t mind.

But he also barks at people he knows, or rather, people he should know if he had the brains to remember who they were, which he hasn’t.

And some of the time he barks at nothing at all. It can go on for ages because, when he does bark at nothing, he must hear his own bark, think it’s another dog, and off he goes. Sometimes you can look at his face and watch him trying to figure it out.

“Woof!”

“Who said that? Grrrrr.”

“Woof!”

“There it is again!”

“Woof! Snarl.”

“WTF?”

“Woof!  Woof! Woof!”

“There’s another dog here somewhere.”

“Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!”

And on it goes for a while, until it stops for no reason, the same way it started.

He also doesn’t know his left back leg belongs to him. When he notices it is there, he attacks it as if it is another animal trying to insert itself into his leg socket. I’ve seen other dogs chasing their tail, but this is just ridiculous.

stupid dog zone sign

Finally, every time the front gate is opened, he has taken to running down the street after bicycles and motorbikes – that he doesn’t know how to ride – and after cars and other vehicles – that he doesn’t know how to drive. What he would do with them if he ever caught one I just don’t know! Neither does he, but he does it anyway.

Somehow, and I find this rather incredible – and disappointing – he has always managed to find his way back home. I think it’s because he tries every other house on the way back and we are the only one silly enough to let him back in. I’ve told everyone to pretend they don’t know him when he turns up and he’ll just move on to the next house and then next, but they won’t listen to me.

So come on good people of the blogsphere, which of you is going to take advantage of this incredible opportunity of a lifetime?

You know how much I love dogs, I’ve said so before on this blog, but please get in touch as soon as you can and take this stupid dog off our hands before I crack up completely!

My father gave me a lot of good advice, and one of the things he told me many years ago was never to get a dog whose arsehole was bigger than its brain.

I should have listened! 

.

=====================================

.

 “Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

And if you were an optimist who thought there would be no puns in June, then your membership of the society is in doubt too.

Here’s the latest batch.

Enjoy or endure!

.

rofl

.

Some people have a way with words,

others not have way.

you_have_a_way_with_words_by_geistgirl-d4a9hky

.

.

My friend received an email yesterday asking him

to send trouser zips to the address provided.

I told him to ignore it,

it sounds like they are fly phishing.

trouser zips

.

.

I thought growing my own lettuce would be difficult

but it was quite easy in the end.

It’s not rocket science.

rocket lettuce

.

.

A policeman asked me to come down

to the station for an interview.

I haven’t even applied for a job there.

police_officer_cartman

.

.

This linguistics professor was lecturing the class.

“In English,” he explained, “a double negative forms a positive.

In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.”

“However,” the professor continued, “there is no language wherein

a double positive can form a negative.”

Immediately, a voice from the back of the room piped up:

“Yeah….. right….”

linguistics professor double negative

.

.

I remember when my parents died,

all they left me was a globe.

It meant the world to me….

globe

.

.

If I had a billion pounds

for every time I underestimated…

I would be a millionaire.

1 billion versus 1 million dollars

.

.

My mate Steven, who shares the same name as me,

thought it was funny to erase the letters ‘St’ from my pencil case.

So, during break, I did the same to his.

Now we’re even.

steven even

.

.

My father worked in a steel fabrication plant.

They didn’t produce anything,

they just said they did.

empty steel fabrication plant

.

.

Jimmy: “Can I ask you a question?”

Ted: “Sure, what is it?”

Jimmy: “It’s an interrogative statement, used to test knowledge.”

an interrogative statement

.

.

I have no idea what the opposite of imagination is.

NO IDEA PIC

.

.

After hearing my son saying,

“I want to be good with acoustic,”

I decided to buy him a guitar.

Turns out he wanted a pool cue.

pool cue

.

.

The Internet now has the second largest collection of jokes in the world…

The House of Representatives is still hanging on to the top spot.

House of Representatives

.

.

I told my mum I was going out for a walk.

She said, “How long will you be gone?”

I said, “Probably the whole time”

out for a walk

.

.

Look, at the end of the day

….. it’s night!

.

.

=======================================

.