Archive for the ‘Witty Sayings’ Category

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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In case the title didn’t give it away, today is pun day!

Hurrah and enjoy!!

But first a quick medical alert….

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Medical Alert:

When you play golf iron deficiencies

can lead to a risk of increased strokes.

golf-bad-cartoon

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I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from.

Then it dawned on me.

dawn

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I was devastated when my girlfriend left me for a dwarf.

I never thought she would stoop so low

tall-woman

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“I only have diamonds, clubs and spades,”

said Tom heartlessly

cardplayers

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Ever wonder why the person who invented the door knocker

wasn’t awarded a No-bell prize.

DoorKnocker

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I walked down a street where the houses were numbered

64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane.

MEMORY_LANE

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If anyone ever says to you that they’ve lost their voice,

They’re lying.

lost voice cartoon

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Tires are fixed for a flat rate.

flat tire cartoon

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If you suffer from kleptomania,

should you take something for it?

Kleptomania

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I’ve taken up a part time course in counterfeiting.

I’m forging ahead.

boris-drucker-every-dollar-we-counterfeit-costs-us-a-buck-and-a-half-cartoon

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I broke up with my girlfriend last night.

It happened on the forecourt of a gas station.

Very emotional breakup.

She was in tears and I was filling up….

pumping-gas

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The latest market research shows a growing trend

for eating high-fibre cereal for breakfast,

with the result that people are experiencing

greater regularity in their bowel movements.

With trends like that,

who needs enemas?

enemas

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Did you hear about the bird that sat on an axe?

It was trying to hatchet

Hatchet

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A boy came into the house with a sofa on his back.

His mother said,

“How many times have I told you not to accept suites from strangers!?”

suites from strangers

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I was watching a tv program about the people in Holland who make their traditional clogs?

I thought, I’d like to try that

Wooden shoe?

wooden-clogs

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A fishing boat is working the North Sea, when suddenly it starts shipping water.

It puts out a Mayday message:

“Help! Help! We are sinking!”

A few minutes back the reply comes through:

“Zis is ze German coastguard. Vot are you sinking about?”

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I’ve eaten steak tartar,

but only on rare occasions

mr-bean-steak-tartare

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un oeuf is enough as they say in France!

tray bien

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My laptop is broken.

It just keeps playing “Skyfall” over and over again.

Probably because it’s a Dell.

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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More pun fun today. It’s amazing how bad a joke you can get away with when there’s a pun or two involved. The evidence can be found below.

Enjoy.

 

 

A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

 

Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.

 

Practice safe eating – always use condiments.

 

Is a shotgun wedding a case of wife or death?

 

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

 

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

 

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

 

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

 

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

 

When two egotists meet, it’s always an I for an I.

 

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.

 

What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway.)

 

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

 

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

 

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

 

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

 

They tried to save him with an I.V. but it was all in vein.

 

Stir-fry cooks come from all woks of life.

 

Did your hear about the illiterate fisherman who was lost at c?

 

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Some situations in life or business or whatever call for a bit of creative thinking. “Thinking outside the box” is the trendy phrase that’s used. It means sometimes forgetting a lot of what we have learned or applying it a little differently.

If you ever find yourself in that kind of position some of these thoughts may help.

Enjoy.

 

 

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

 

You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

 

There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

 

Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

 

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

 

Sometimes too much drink is not enough.

 

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

 

The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

 

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

 

Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.

 

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

 

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

 

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

 

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

 

All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

 

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

 

One-seventh of you life is spent on Wednesday.

 

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

 

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

 

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

 

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

 

This is as bad as it can get, but don’t bet on it.

 

Never wrestle with a pig:  You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.

 

The trouble with life is, you’re halfway through it before you realize it’s a ‘do it yourself’ thing.

 

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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There was a lot of love for the short series of quotes from George Carlin. I was pleased that he is remembered well and still giving amusement to people, despite no longer being with us.

Today I have a selection of other witty sayings, not attributed to anyone in particular, but in the same spirit as last week’s post.

I hope you enjoy these too.

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Dickson’s Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

 

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

 

Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.

 

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

 

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

 

There are two kinds of pedestrians — the quick and the dead.

 

Life is sexually transmitted.

 

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

 

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said “Quit while you’re ahead”?

 

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI. (One for the nerds and geeks to LTAO.) 

 

Willie was a Chemist, But Willie is no more, What Willie thought was H2O Was H2SO4.

 

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

 

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

 

Jury — Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

 

Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.

 

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

 

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

 

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

 

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

 

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Today I have great pleasure in presenting the third, but unfortunately, final part of this short series of Witty One-liners from the late and great George Carlin.

Where have all the clever comedians gone, I wonder?

Enjoy.

 

 

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

 

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

 

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

 

If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.

 

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.

 

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

 

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

 

“No comment” is a comment.

 

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

 

So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.

 

When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.

 

I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.

 

If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!

 

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.

 

I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

 

It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.

 

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

 

“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?

 

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer’s disease where they slowly began to recover other people’s lost memories.

 

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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This Wednesday I am pleased to present part two of my trio of tributes to the late George Carlin and his great gift for seeing the world from the humorous side.

It turns out from the reaction to last week’s post that George still has a lot of fans out there which is great news.

Enjoy this latest selection.

 

 

If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.

 

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

 

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.

 

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

 

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

 

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

 

If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.

 

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

 

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

 

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

 

I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.

 

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.

 

If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?

 

In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.

 

“One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.

 

Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.

 

The future will soon be a thing of the past.

 

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.

 

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I’m going to run a short series of ‘Witty One-Liners’ from the late great comedian, George Carlin.

I didn’t agree with everything George believed in or everything he said, but the man had a great gift of looking at life from a slightly different, and very humorous, perspective than most people.

I hope you enjoy them too.

George Carlin

George Carlin

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If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

 

Is there another word for synonym?

 

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

 

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

 

Why are a ‘wise man’ and a ‘wise guy’ opposites?  

 

Why do ‘overlook’ and ‘oversee’ mean opposite things?

 

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

 

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

 

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

 

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!

 

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

 

Have you ever noticed that their ‘stuff’ is shit and your ‘shit’ is stuff?

 

You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.

 

If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

 

No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.

 

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”

 

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

 

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

 

Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

 

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