Archive for the ‘dogs’ Category

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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How often have you seen “The Opportunity Of A Lifetime” pop up on the internet or in your email?

This time it’s different, though.

This time it’s true!

Well, sort of.

stupid dog cartoon

Because this is your chance to own what is possibly the stupidest dog in the world.

And it won’t cost you anything either, we’re giving him away to the first good home

FOR FREE!!!

If you are stupid, and you want a companion at least as stupid as you are, if not more so, this is the perfect dog for you.

His name is ‘Scotty’, (and, yes, I have asked to be “beamed up” several times), but don’t let the name put you off.

You can call him anything you like, ‘Rover’, ‘Patch’, ‘Lassie’, ‘Monday’, ‘Tuesday’, ‘Wednesday’, ‘November’, or whatever, because it’s all the same to him – this dog is so dumb he doesn’t even know his own name.

His lack of knowledge is on such a vast scale I’m astounded the known Universe is expanding rapidly enough to contain it.

He doesn’t know how to sit. He doesn’t know how to stay. He doesn’t know how to come, or to stop, or to heel, or anything you can teach a normal dog to do.

He just doesn’t know anything.

And you won’t have to waste your time and money training him either, because this dog just cannot learn. Believe me I have done my best!

He is painfully stupid in at least the four different languages we have tried. He doesn’t speak English, nor does he hablar español, he hasn’t a clue how to parler francais, and you might as well try to speak klingon as sprechen Deutsch to him.

A big plus is that he is small and won’t eat you out of house and home. All you have to remember to do is buy cat food and not dog food and you’ll be fine. The cat beats him up every time he eats her food, but he doesn’t learn from that either. I don’t think he even knows he’s a dog.

The only one thing he has learned, is not to shit in the house, but in truth I think this has more to do with the fact that every time he tried he discovered he couldn’t with my toe up his arse.

He barks at strangers, which is good. And if he left it at that we wouldn’t mind.

But he also barks at people he knows, or rather, people he should know if he had the brains to remember who they were, which he hasn’t.

And some of the time he barks at nothing at all. It can go on for ages because, when he does bark at nothing, he must hear his own bark, think it’s another dog, and off he goes. Sometimes you can look at his face and watch him trying to figure it out.

“Woof!”

“Who said that? Grrrrr.”

“Woof!”

“There it is again!”

“Woof! Snarl.”

“WTF?”

“Woof!  Woof! Woof!”

“There’s another dog here somewhere.”

“Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!”

And on it goes for a while, until it stops for no reason, the same way it started.

He also doesn’t know his left back leg belongs to him. When he notices it is there, he attacks it as if it is another animal trying to insert itself into his leg socket. I’ve seen other dogs chasing their tail, but this is just ridiculous.

stupid dog zone sign

Finally, every time the front gate is opened, he has taken to running down the street after bicycles and motorbikes – that he doesn’t know how to ride – and after cars and other vehicles – that he doesn’t know how to drive. What he would do with them if he ever caught one I just don’t know! Neither does he, but he does it anyway.

Somehow, and I find this rather incredible – and disappointing – he has always managed to find his way back home. I think it’s because he tries every other house on the way back and we are the only one silly enough to let him back in. I’ve told everyone to pretend they don’t know him when he turns up and he’ll just move on to the next house and then next, but they won’t listen to me.

So come on good people of the blogsphere, which of you is going to take advantage of this incredible opportunity of a lifetime?

You know how much I love dogs, I’ve said so before on this blog, but please get in touch as soon as you can and take this stupid dog off our hands before I crack up completely!

My father gave me a lot of good advice, and one of the things he told me many years ago was never to get a dog whose arsehole was bigger than its brain.

I should have listened! 

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I feel a bit of a Sunday Sermon coming on, if I get the time to write it.

But for today something a lot lighter and hopefully amusing.

It’s a second helping of our animal friends. They are fun.

Enjoy.

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funny_animals-27 originally PUBLISHED by catsmob.com

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Is it just me, or does this little feller look like Lil John recently on Celebrity Apprentice?

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funny_animals 31 PUBLISHED by catsmob.com

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Time to relax for the weekend.

Here are a few funny animal fotos to help.

Some are natural shots, others have been helped a little with human input but I hope you find most of them amusing.

Enjoy.

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Foreclosure!

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yesterday’s post was a bit heavy going. So today, a little bit of light relief for you.

I’ve mentioned a few times before that I am very fond of dogs. They are great loyal companions and usually very protective of their family.

I have a strong preference for German Shepherds which are well known as being courageous, intelligent, watchful, confident and alert. I would argue that they not only have these attributes, but are also highly intelligent AND also look quite elegant as well.

But there are a multitude of different breeds out there and they all have their followers.

I wonder can the owners of these breeds say the same thing?

Enjoy.

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ptp They Fly

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Samuel L Dogson

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german Shepherd, puppy, puppies, “Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Today Part Thirteen of our look at the Classified Ads that turned out a little bit differently than originally planned.

Verification in print that stupidity is alive and well.

Enjoy!

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classad_bowtoxforyourdog.

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Hi everyone, yes it’s Monday again and time for another selection of stupid quiz show answers.

Are you depressed at the horrendous level of stupidity out there in the big wide world, or just happy that you are a lot smarter then these guys? I mean, who could ever forget “Smelly Kelly”? 

Either way I hope you enjoy today’s bunch.

 

 

 

Q: Name a time when people wake up   

A: Morning

 

 

Q: Name a sport people play by themselves      

A: Video games

 

 

Q: The state with the best beaches        

A: Los Angeles

 

 

Q: Name something a husband asks his wife to carry in her purse          

A: Condoms

 

 

Q: Name something a woman likes a man to have that begins with the letter M    

A: Makeup

 

 

Q: Name a Southern city           

A: Georgia

 

 

Q: Name a subject people discuss on their first date      

A: Sex 

 

 

Q: Name something an airline passenger might be holding during a bumpy flight

A: A lucky rabbit’s foot  

 

 

Q: Name something about Dr. Phil that comedians make fun of 

A: His contestants

 

 

Q: Name a famous Kelly           

A: Kelly “Ripka”

A: “Smelly Kelly”

 

 

Q: Name a sure cure for a hangover      

A: Making love 

 

 

Q: Name a famous Christina     

A: Christina the car

 

 

Q: Name a food with an edible skin       

A: Banana

 

 

Q: The night with the worst TV programs

A: UPN

 

 

Q: Name something you put in tea        

A: Tea bag

 

 

Q: Name a place where you might see a dead body       

A: Your house  

 

 

Q: Name a job around the house that has to be done every fall  

A: Spring cleaning

 

 

Q: An occupation considered to be un-masculine           

A: Truck driver  

 

 

Q: Name something dogs can do better than people      

A: Pee 

 

 

Q: The longest amount of time you have spent without talking to your spouse    

A: 20 minutes   

 

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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No, I’m not tilting at windmills, not just yet anyhow. And despite the play on words in the title, nor am I referring to Cervantes character Don Quixote. This post actually does concern a donkey, though. In fact animals in general.

It is a little known fact that donkeys kill more people than plane crashes. And at the end of August I read about a small town Texas mayor who was killed in an attack by his own donkey. He was Bill Bohlke and he was Mayor of Hollywood Park in Atascosa County, Texas.

That unfortunate event set me thinking of a number of things.

First I asked myself how the heck you pronounced his surname.

Then I wondered if Mayor Bohlke was a Republican or Democrat and how macabre it would have been if the donkey had done away with his elephant man rival.

And then I thought about the amazing and different ways people find to leave the mortal coil. I bet, like most of us, the last thing Mayor Bohlke thought was that some day he would meet his end from an attack from a randy donkey!

And then I marveled at how so many people, for no logical reason, have a romantic fantasy notion that animals are not inherently dangerous. They are.

And this is true for people who work with them every day and should know better.

For example, when I was growing up I would spend time at my uncle’s farm. He had a herd of one hundred or more dairy cows and every evening when I was there my cousin and myself would be sent out to the fields to bring the cows in for milking.

We had a couple of great little collie dogs to help us, not that much help was needed because the cows had a routine and once they heard us calling for them they made their way to the field gate and up the lane to the milking parlor, glad no doubt that they were about to be relieved of their burden once more.

With them came the bull. A huge brute of an animal and unbelievably strong. But he was docile enough, walked up with his herd of ‘wives’ and while they made their way into the queue for the milking machines he would usually lie down in the hayshed and munch on some of the hay.

As innocent (dumb) kids we would sometimes sit down beside him, even using him as a prop to lean against. He didn’t seem to mind a bit, we thought he was glad of the company perhaps.

Then one day as the herd was being ushered back out to the fields Mr Bull totally out of the blue decided he would like to kill my uncle.

Luckily us kids had our chore done in bringing the herd in to get milked. When the time came to take them back out again we were engaged on other vital business, I can’t remember exactly what but I’m sure it involved football, playing cowboys and Indians, fending off some galactic foe who was attacking earth that day, or some such vital stuff. But we could hear the commotion in the distance.

Furious about something, only he knew what, the bull roared angrily and ran towards my uncle who had been leading the way. With his head lowered he hit my uncle between his lower back and his knees and threw him up into the air like a rag doll – and my uncle was a BIG man. Very fortunately the bull tossed him into the air with such force that he went clean over the raised fence and hedge on the right hand side of the lane and ended up in one of the fields. 

The crazy bull then tried to go after him but couldn’t get up the steep embankment on which the fence had been constructed. Another cousin, quite a bit older than us, saw the attack. He was in a tractor and he immediately had the presence of mind to use that to take the bull’s attention away from my uncle. The distraction seemed to work, because as suddenly as it had started it was over and things were back to normal.

But my uncle had learned a valuable lesson. Animals can be dangerous.

So had I, even though I wasn’t there at the time, but from then on I haven’t been a fan of bulls – not in Chicago or Wall Street either come to think of it.

Unfortunately Mayor Bohlke wasn’t so lucky with his donkey.

I wonder if it happened something like this???

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