Archive for the ‘lawyers’ Category

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It’s been a while since I raided the court archives. So here are a few more examples of the level of intelligence you can expect, not only from untrained Joe Public called to give evidence, but from the supposedly highly trained lawyers, supposedly!

Enjoy.

 

 

District Attorney: What happened next, Ma’am?

Witness: He unzipped his pants and pulled out his subpoena.

Judge: Any motions, counsel?

Counsel: I move to dismiss, Your Honor. All my client did was pull out a subpoena. There’s no law against that.

Judge: Counsel, if the witness doesn’t know the difference between a penis and a subpoena that’s her problem. Held to answer!

 

 

 

Judge: If that be your verdict, so say you all

2 Jurors:  “you all”

 

 

 

Judge: Any member of your immediate family or yourself ever been the victim of a crime or robbery?

Juror: My mother had her purse snatched

Judge: How long ago was that?

Juror: Ten, fifteen years ago

Judge: Was she hurt at all in the snatch?

 

 

 

Judge:  What made you bite the police officer?

Witness:  He stuck his arm in my mouth

 

 

 

Q: Were you the lone ranger on duty that night?

A: I was a park ranger on duty that night

Q: I mean the only one, the lone

A: You mean alone?

Q Alone

A: Yes, I was

 

 

 

Q: Do you speak Spanish, Officer?

A: Yes, I do

Q: Are you fluent in Spanish?

A: Yes, I do

 

 

 

Q: Are you being selective about what you remember and what you don’t remember as to the details of your previous record?

A: I don’t remember.

 

 

 

Q: Do you have any problem with the English language?

A: No, I speak very good English.

Q: Great. Do you know Andre?

A: That’s my cousin.

Q: Have you known him all your life?

A: Since we grewed up.

 

 

 

Q: Now, do you recall the date the accident occurred?

A: Yes, sir.

Q: What date was it?

A: It was a hot day in August.

Q: Did you drink any alcohol?

A: No, sir.

Q: Are you a teetotaler?

A: Not really. Just coffee once in a while, like in the morning.

 

 

 

Q: And y’all had a very intimate relationship, didn’t you, Ms. A?

A: We had sex two times. It wasn’t very intimate.

 

 

 

A: Yeah, I used to be around with him a lot. Me and his nephew run together.?

Q: Who is his nephew?

A: Pokey. I think he’s doing time now.

Q: Pokey is Kenny’s nephew and is doing time now? Are you saying Pokey is in the pokey?

A: Yeah.

 

 

 

District Attorney: Defense Counsel is accountable to you (the jury)

Counsel: Judge I object to that. I object to him referring to me as a cannibal, Judge

Judge:  He said accountable

Counsel: A what?

Judge: He said accountable, not a cannibal

Counsel:  It sounded like cannibal to me and I object

It Sounded like cannibal to me

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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There was a lot of love for the short series of quotes from George Carlin. I was pleased that he is remembered well and still giving amusement to people, despite no longer being with us.

Today I have a selection of other witty sayings, not attributed to anyone in particular, but in the same spirit as last week’s post.

I hope you enjoy these too.

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Dickson’s Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

 

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

 

Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.

 

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

 

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

 

There are two kinds of pedestrians — the quick and the dead.

 

Life is sexually transmitted.

 

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

 

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said “Quit while you’re ahead”?

 

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI. (One for the nerds and geeks to LTAO.) 

 

Willie was a Chemist, But Willie is no more, What Willie thought was H2O Was H2SO4.

 

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

 

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 

It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.

 

Jury — Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

 

Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.

 

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

 

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

 

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

 

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

 

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Today I have great pleasure in presenting the third, but unfortunately, final part of this short series of Witty One-liners from the late and great George Carlin.

Where have all the clever comedians gone, I wonder?

Enjoy.

 

 

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

 

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

 

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

 

If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.

 

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.

 

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

 

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

 

“No comment” is a comment.

 

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

 

So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.

 

When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.

 

I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.

 

If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!

 

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.

 

I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

 

It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.

 

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

 

“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?

 

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer’s disease where they slowly began to recover other people’s lost memories.

 

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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In case you were wondering, this post has nothing to do with Michael Crichton’s mind control novel with the same title. Rather it is about people with no minds trying to control the rest of us.

Strange, as well as stupid, people feature on the fasab blog.

None come stranger than Mehran Karimi Nasseri, also known as Sir, Alfred Mehran (yes, including the comma).

Nasseri is an Iranian refugee who was expelled from Iran in 1977 for protests against the Shah. After a long battle, involving applications in several countries, he was awarded refugee status by the United Nations High Commission for refugees in Belgium which permitted him residence in any European country.

He claimed to have one British parent, although he produced no evidence to support this, and decided to settle in the UK in 1986.  But en route to there, in 1988, he claimed that he was mugged and his shoulder bag stolen while waiting at the RER platform to go to Charles de Gaulle Airport to take a flight to Heathrow.

When he tried to go to the United Kingdom, Nasseri managed to board the plane, but when he arrived at Heathrow, London without the necessary documentation, immigration officials sent him back to Charles de Gaulle airport.

Unable to prove his identity, or his refugee status, to the French officials, he was initially arrested and moved to the Zone d’attente (waiting zone), a holding area for travelers who do not have papers. However, due to the fact that his entry to the airport was legal he was released, but, since he had no country of origin to be returned to, he began his residence in the departure lounge of Terminal One in Charles de Gaulle Airport on August 8, 1988.

Mr. Nasseri’s predicament was made into a movie in 1993 entitled ‘Tombes du Ciel’, starring Jean Rochefort, Ticky Holgado, and Marisa Paredes. And he was reportedly the inspiration behind the 2004 movie ‘The Terminal’, starring Tom Hanks.

However, unlike Hanks’ character in the movie, and since at least 1994, Nasseri did not live in the duty-free transit area, but simply in the departure hall, in the circular boutiques and restaurants passage on the lowest floor.

Theoretically he could leave the terminal at any moment, although, since everyone knew him, his departure might not remain unnoticed. He did not seem to speak with anyone normally.

With his cart and bags, he almost looked like a traveler, so people either did not notice him or ignored him as if he were a homeless person. Airport workers were kind enough to give him food.

In 1992, his case was taken on by French human rights lawyer Christian Bourget. However, in one of those absurd rulings that idiot bureaucrats and judges can only dream up, the French courts ruled that, having entered the country legally, he could not be expelled from the airport, but neither could it grant him permission to enter France.

Attempts were then made to have new documents issued from Belgium, but the authorities there would only do so if Nasseri presented himself in person. However, under Belgian law a refugee who voluntarily leaves a country that has accepted him cannot return.

In 1995, the Belgian authorities granted permission for him to return, but only if he agreed to live there under supervision of a social worker. Nasseri refused this on the grounds of wanting to enter the UK as originally intended.

In July 2006, eighteen years later (yes, that’s 18 years!) Nasseri’s stay at the Charles de Gaulle Airport ended when he was hospitalized and his sitting place dismantled.

Towards the end of January 2007, he left the hospital and was looked after by the airport’s branch of the French Red Cross. He was lodged for a few weeks in a hotel close to the airport.

On March 6, 2007, he transferred to an Emmaus charity reception centre in Paris’s twentieth arrondissement. As far as I know he may still be there.

And you thought US immigration took a long time!

The Terminal Man - Mehran Karimi Nasseri

The Terminal Man – Mehran Karimi Nasseri

 

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It isn’t often that there is the opportunity to report a victory of the common man over the banksters. But a few years ago one did happen when a 71-year-old British farmer, from Northumberland, won a £300,000 settlement from his bank after what he described as years of frustration and pain.

Although the bank settled, shortly before the case went to the British High Court, the farmer, Mr David Cannon, said he still felt as though he had not got justice. “They could give me every penny on the planet, but it still couldn’t put it right. It’s taken 10 years away from me. To them it’s monopoly money, but to me it’s all I’ll get.”

His problem was with the National Westminster Bank plc, and began in May 1990. It centered on £70,000 which Mr Cannon claimed went missing somewhere between his own account, his son’s personal and business accounts and an account belonging to his son’s business partner.

He is convinced the money had disappeared gradually during “dozens and dozens” of transfers between the accounts. Naturally the NatWest Bank always strongly denied that the money went astray.

The legal proceedings started way back in 1991, and the Cannons were forced to sell their 300-strong herd of prize-winning Ayrshire cows to fund their case. Mr Cannon said: “It was heart-breaking having to sell the herd, and soon I, and especially my wife, had problems with our health.”

After four-and-a-half years of deadlock with the legal proceedings Mr Cannon decided enough was enough. He borrowed a muck-spreader and chugged into Newcastle-upon-Tyne on his tractor.

In a little over two minutes, he blasted four tons of slurry over NatWest’s Mosley Street branch.

Phew!!!

Stonemasons spent two weeks clearing up and Mr Cannon was fined £2,000. But undeterred, a year later, he subjected the bank’s Ponteland branch to the same exterior decoration.

He really was giving them shit!

Still the dispute dragged on, until December 1998, by which time Mr Cannon had lost patience once again. This time he blocked the door of the Grey Street branch of the bank with his tractor.

Ten months later he returned to the Ponteland branch, baffling staff by measuring the entrance. The next day he forced the doors open with his tractor and barricaded himself inside, nailing fence rails across the doorway. This bank job cost him another £600.

His final fling occurred the following June 12, when he dumped a five-ton load of shit on the doorstep of the Ponteland branch and returned to his farm – pursued by police. Amazingly, he managed to reload and chugged back to the bank, where he made a second five-ton deposit. A low-speed chase ensued, the police puncturing the 10mph tractor’s tyres with a ‘stinger’.

Mr Cannon was charged with criminal damage, dangerous driving, driving without an excise licence and failing to stop for a police officer. He was given a 60-day suspended sentence and ordered to pay £845.60 compensation plus £250 costs.

Mr Cannon, a former bare-knuckle boxer, said: “But fortunately it was in my nature to fight them. Breeding cattle was my life.”

The bank, NatWest issued a token 63-word statement which denied any admission of liability. They refused to add to it when questioned by reporters.

Simon Pitkeathley of the British Bankers’ Association, says angry customers would do better to follow the conventional complaints procedure or move your account elsewhere, said: “Mr Cannon’s behaviour obviously can’t be condoned.”

But I liked it. Good one Mr C.

The big question is, by awarding £300,000 to a man who has taken direct action, has the bank set a dangerous precedent for those distressed customers contemplating direct action? Wouldn’t it be great if they were in for loads more shi……I mean, bother?

 

Farmer David Cannon giving his bank some shit

Farmer David Cannon giving his bank some shit

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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No, not the romantic kind of courting disasters, not this time anyhow. Today it’s another selection from the courts.

You may forgive the witness and jury member responses (although some of them are really dumb), but it is hard to believe when you read some of this that these lawyers have had the benefit of an expensive education.

Money and time wasted?

Judge for yourselves.

Enjoy.

 

 

But first a joke….

 

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying in court.

The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness:

The lawyer: “Did you actually see the accident?”

The witness: “Yes, sir.”

The lawyer: “How far away were you when the accident happened?”

The witness: “Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches.”

The lawyer (thinking he’d trap the witness): “Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was
exactly that distance?”

The witness: “Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question.”

 

 

 

Defendant: I remember when I was in your courtroom in 1956 when you was a municipal judge

Counsel: I don’t think we should go into that

Defendant: Not guilty, too

Counsel: Well, we all make mistakes, sir, but you didn’t make one

Defendant: Well you made one, I was guilty

 

  

District Attorney: Okay. How much earlier had you used cocaine?

Defendant: I was getting high all that day

District Attorney: All right. So you were using cocaine. Were you free-basing cocaine?

Defendant: No I bought it.

 

 

Counsel: Okay. Now let me ask you again, had you been drinking that day? Alcohol, I mean?

Defendant: Uh-huh

Counsel: Had you?

Defendant’s Counsel  Answer it audibly

Counsel: Had you been drinking alcohol that day?

Defendant: Audibly

Counsel: What were you drinking, beer or what?

Defendant: Uh-huh

Counsel: Beer?

Defendant: Audibly

 

 

District Attorney: Judge, I would object to Counsel’s characterization of this disagreement. He is giving a one-sided view.

Judge:  Of course he is. That is what you expect of a trial attorney

 

 

Judge:  Please begin

Counsel: Thank you

Q. (to witness) Miss, while you have, if you do have – you still- oh, you don’t.

Judge: That was a great start, counsel

 

 

Judge:  Are all of the defendants black?

Counsel #1:  My client is white

Counsel #2:  My client is described in the police report as mulatto

Judge: How do you describe her?

Counsel #2:  Pregnant

 

 

Counsel:  Your Honor, the defense would argue the People haven’t proved the prior conviction.

District Attorney: Oh shit!

Counsel:  That’s a legal term?

Judge:  One used quite often in law school

 

 

District Attorney: Did the defendant make any other statements to you at that time?

Witness: He told me he had the best lawyer in Los Angeles and that I didn’t have a case

Counsel: I’ll stipulate to that, Your Honor

 

 

Q: What about the research?

A:  I don’t think there is any research on that. There’s a logical hunch that may be true, but I know of no research study that would support that at this point in time.

Q: What about just common sense?

A: Well I am not here using common sense. I am here as an expert.

 

 

Q: How long would it take for a sphincter spasm to heal, Doctor?

A: Sphincter spasm is not a disease process. I mean, as you stand there, you can have a sphincter spasm if you wanted to.

Q: I could have a sphincter spasm right now if I wanted to?

A: Just tighten your sphincter and that is your sphincter spasm. Try it.

Q: Can you have one right now, Doctor?

A: Yeah, I think we all can

 

 

Q: Deputy, showing your photographs numbers 3 and 4, can you identify those?

A: Those were photographs taken at our sheriff’s headquarters.

Q: Do you recognize the individuals in the photographs?

A: Yes, sir

Q: And, in Exhibit No. 3, do you recognize that subject?

A: Yes sir

Q: How do you recognize him?

A: There’s a name card in front of him.

Court breaks into laughter

Judge: Oh, I love that. We don’t get paid much, but we do have a good time.

 

 

Q: Officer have you ever cut yourself?

A: Yes sir

Q: When you cut yourself did anything come out?

A: Yes sir

Q: What color was that?

Counsel:  I objet Your Honor as irrelevant

Judge: Overruled

A: It was red

Q: Did that red substance that came out appear to be similar to the red substance you saw at the scene?

A: Yes sir

Q: Does that red substance have a name?

A: Yes Sir, it does

Q: What is it called?

A: Blood

 

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I’ve discussed before in other blog posts that part of the reason for the problems we suffer these days is the direct result of the staggering number of stupid lawyers who are being allowed to qualify from our universities in spite of the fact that they are clearly unfit to hold down a proper job in the legal profession.

Thus we have many of them turning into ambulance chasers to try to eek out a living, whilst others encourage equally dumb people into taking spurious law suits against decent people and  businesses.

The judiciary does not help by their tolerance of junk law suits and by some of their decisions, the stupidity of which take one’s breath away.

We’ve had the morons who sue people like McDonalds because they say they didn’t know their hot coffee was hot or their iced coffee was cold.

But just when you thought you’d heard it all, in one recent case a man claimed caffeine drove him to molest women.

Kenneth Sands was convicted July 3 for groping two women and three teenage girls after a volleyball game in Onalaska, Oregon, on Oct. 18, 2011.

His sorry-assed defense?

Blame it on the caffeine.

Sands, a school bus driver for the Rainier School District, attempted to argue in court that caffeine “caused a psychotic episode,” reported KOMO News. “My son-in-law and daughter have never seen that kind of behavior from myself,” Sands, 51, told the court.

This “behavior” that Sands claims caffeine induced includes grabbing a 46-year-old woman’s breasts several times during the game and later trying to grab her butt as she tried to get away; grabbing a 15-year-old’s butt outside of a bus after the game, and then slapping a 16-year-old’s butt as she was getting on the bus. Sands climbed aboard the bus and touched yet another volleyball player before he was kicked off, the Lewis County sheriff’s office told KOMO.

Thankfully some sanity prevailed on this occasion and the court ruled that caffeine was not, in fact, the reason behind Sands’ aggressive and lewd behavior. He was sentenced to 30 days for each of the five counts of fourth-degree assault.

Sands’ caffeine defense might have been inspired by the “Twinkie defense,” ABC News suggests. San Francisco supervisor Dan White successfully avoided a first-degree murder conviction for the 1978 assassination of San Francisco City Supervisor Harvey Milk and Mayor George Moscone, claiming his sugary diet caused depression.

Dr. Martin Blinder, the psychiatrist who presented the “Twinkie defense” during the 1979 trial, told ABC News that caffeine could not hold up as a defense because it is made from coffee beans, which are all-natural. “We have no evidence that coffee is harmful,” Blinder told ABC.

Rest assured: drinking too much coffee will not turn you into a serial groper.

One lump, or two?

 


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*** rant warning *** so brace yourselves.

The subtitle of this blog is “Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”.

Now it’s all well and good saying that, I repeat it at the beginning of almost all of my posts. But what gets lost at times is just how important a phrase this has become.

We are now in the process in countries like the United States and UK of letting once great nations to be destroyed for no other reason than we have allowed the morons in our society to take over. The people who should be told what to do are now in positions where they are dictating to us.

Their solution to everything is to spend more than they have – arithmetic is not their strong suit – on things we don’t need. Then when they find themselves in catastrophic debt they set about fleecing the small businessman and hard-working individual for more money.

They create completely unnecessary and deliberately complex tax rules and regulations, the number of pages in the US tax code, for example, has increased by over 16,775 percent during the past 100 years! This in turn leads to Americans wasting an incredible 7.6 billion hours each year doing their taxes and having to hire over one million accountants to help them – all at a cost of almost $30 billion (that’s Billion with a ‘B’).

The big banks, run by greedy and extraordinarily stupid people (the best we have Obama says!) who have lost hundreds of billion of dollars and plunged the whole country into financial turmoil, are too big to fail. But ordinary individuals and small business owners are allowed to go bust every month and those that survive are harassed and investigated for the least mistake so that maybe another $1000 can be wrung out of them. On the other hand, multinational corporations get away with almost everything for no other reason than they have the money to employ the best accountants and lawyers who are more than a match for their IRS counterparts.

In 2008 for example, GE made $10.3 billion in pre-tax income, but didn’t have to pay a single cent in taxes. In 2009 Bank of America paid no taxes, even though it made $4.4 billion income. Also in 2009 Molson Coors not only paid no taxes, but was actually paid $14.7 million by the government. There are lots of other examples.

The loopholes and mechanisms these large corporations used are not important here, what we need to focus on is that there is something inherently wrong with the system that allows such inequalities. The solution is easy; simplify the system, level the playing field; give the little guy the same chance as the large corporation. It won’t happen, of course.

But that’s only half the problem. The other half is what the stupid bureaucrats do with the money.

The State of California is a good example. As well as all the federal taxes, California extracts a host of state taxes, including significant property taxes, from its citizens. And, despite the best efforts of the Terminator, California is still bust!

Why? Because most of the money it collects, and a lot more that it doesn’t have, is used to prop up the system of little empires the self-important idiocrats have created and are still creating regardless of the obvious financial woes.

The scale of the problem is horrendous, far worse than most people imagine. I don’t expect anyone to read the list below, but even scrolling through it should at the very least make you shake your head in amazement.

And this is just California!

*** End rant! ***

Feast your eyes on the work of the idiocracy….

State of California Bureaucracy:

California Academic Performance Index (API)

California Access for Infants and Mothers

California Acupuncture Board

California Administrative Office of the Courts

California Adoptions Branch

California African American Museum

California Agricultural Export Program

California Agricultural Labor Relations Board

California Agricultural Statistics Service

California Air Resources Board (CARB)

California Allocation Board

California Alternative Energy and Advanced Transportation Financing Authority

California Animal Health and Food Safety Services

California Anti-Terrorism Information Center

California Apprenticeship Council

California Arbitration Certification Program

California Architects Board

California Area VI Developmental Disabilities Board

California Arts Council

California Asian Pacific Islander Legislative Caucus

California Assembly Democratic Caucus

California Assembly Republican Caucus

California Athletic Commission

California Attorney General

California Bay Conservation and Development Commission

California Bay-Delta Authority

California Bay-Delta Office

California Biodiversity Council

California Board for Geologists and Geophysicists

California Board for Professional Engineers and Land Surveyors

California Board of Accountancy

California Board of Barbering and Cosmetology

California Board of Behavioral Sciences

California Board of Chiropractic Examiners

California Board of Equalization (BOE)

California Board of Forestry and Fire Protection

California Board of Guide Dogs for the Blind

California Board of Occupational Therapy

California Board of Optometry

California Board of Pharmacy

California Board of Podiatric Medicine

California Board of Prison Terms

California Board of Psychology

California Board of Registered Nursing

California Board of Trustees

California Board of Vocational Nursing and Psychiatric Technicians

California Braille and Talking Book Library

California Building Standards Commission

California Bureau for Private Postsecondary and Vocational Education

California Bureau of Automotive Repair

California Bureau of Electronic and Appliance Repair

California Bureau of Home Furnishings and Thermal Insulation

California Bureau of Naturopathic Medicine

California Bureau of Security and Investigative Services

California Bureau of State Audits

California Business Agency

California Business Investment Services (CalBIS)

California Business Permit Information (CalGOLD)

California Business Portal

California Business, Transportation and Housing Agency

California Cal Grants

California CalJOBS

California Cal-Learn Program

California CalVet Home Loan Program

California Career Resource Network

California Cemetery and Funeral Bureau

California Center for Analytical Chemistry

California Center for Distributed Learning

California Center for Teaching Careers (Teach California)

California Chancellors Office

California Charter Schools

California Children and Families Commission

California Children and Family Services Division

California Citizens Compensation Commission

California Civil Rights Bureau

California Coastal Commission

California Coastal Conservancy

California Code of Regulations

California Collaborative Projects with UC Davis

California Commission for Jobs and Economic Growth

California Commission on Aging

California Commission on Health and Safety and Workers Compensation

California Commission on Judicial Performance

California Commission on State Mandates

California Commission on Status of Women

California Commission on Teacher Credentialing

California Commission on the Status of Women

California Committee on Dental Auxiliaries

California Community Colleges Chancellors Office, Junior Colleges

California Community Colleges Chancellors Office

California Complaint Mediation Program

California Conservation Corps

California Constitution Revision Commission

California Consumer Hotline

California Consumer Information Center

California Consumer Information

California Consumer Services Division

California Consumers and Families Agency

California Contractors State License Board

California Corrections Standards Authority

California Council for the Humanities

California Council on Criminal Justice

California Council on Developmental Disabilities

California Court Reporters Board

California Courts of Appeal

California Crime and Violence Prevention Center

California Criminal Justice Statistics Center

California Criminalist Institute Forensic Library

California CSGnet Network Management

California Cultural and Historical Endowment

California Cultural Resources Division

California Curriculum and Instructional Leadership Branch

California Data Exchange Center

California Data Management Division

California Debt and Investment Advisory Commission

California Delta Protection Commission

California Democratic Caucus

California Demographic Research Unit

California Dental Auxiliaries

California Department of Aging

California Department of Alcohol and Drug Programs

California Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control Appeals Board

California Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control

California Department of Boating and Waterways (Cal Boating)

California Department of Child Support Services (CDCSS)

California Department of Community Services and Development

California Department of Conservation

California Department of Consumer Affairs

California Department of Corporations

California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation

California Department of Developmental Services

California Department of Education

California Department of Fair Employment and Housing

California Department of Finance

California Department of Financial Institutions

California Department of Fish and Game

California Department of Food and Agriculture

California Department of Forestry and Fire Protection (CDF)

California Department of General Services

California Department of General Services, Office of State Publishing

California Department of Health Care Services

California Department of Housing and Community Development

Californ ia Department of Industrial Relations (DIR)

California Department of Insurance

California Department of Justice Firearms Division

California Department of Justice Opinion Unit

California Department of Justice, Consumer Information, Public Inquiry Unit

California Department of Justice

California Department of Managed Health Care

California Department of Mental Health

California Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV)

California Department of Personnel Administration

California Department of Pesticide Regulation

California Department of Public Health

California Department of Real Estate

California Department of Rehabilitation

California Department of Social Services Adoptions Branch

California Department of Social Services

California Department of Technology Services Training Center (DTSTC)

California Department of Technology Services (DTS)

California Department of Toxic Substances Control

California Department of Transportation (Caltrans)

California Department of Veterans Affairs (CalVets)

California Department of Water Resources

California Departmento de Vehiculos Motorizados

California Digital Library

California Disabled Veteran Business Enterprise Certification Program

California Division of Apprenticeship Standards

California Division of Codes and Standards

California Division of Communicable Disease Control

California Division of Engineering

California Division of Environmental and Occupational Disease Control

California Division of Gambling Control

California Division of Housing Policy Development

California Division of Labor Standards Enforcement

California Division of Labor Statistics and Research

California Division of Land and Right of Way

California Division of Land Resource Protection

California Division of Law Enforcement General Library

California Division of Measurement Standards

California Division of Mines and Geology

California Division of Occupational Safety and Health (Cal/OSHA)

California Division of Oil, Gas and Geothermal Resources

California Division of Planning and Local Assistance

California Division of Recycling

California Division of Safety of Dams

California Division of the State Architect

California Division of Tourism

California Division of Workers Compensation Medical Unit

California Division of Workers Compensation

California Economic Assistance, Business and Community Resources

California Economic Strategy Panel

California Education and Training Agency

California Education Audit Appeals Panel

California Educational Facilities Authority

California Elections Division

California Electricity Oversight Board

California Emergency Management Agency

California Emergency Medical Services Authority

California Employment Development Department (EDD)

California Employment Information State Jobs

California Employment Training Panel

California Energy Commission

California Environment and Natural Resources Agency

California Environmental Protection Agency (Cal/EPA)

California Environmental Resources Evaluation System (CERES)

California Executive Office

California Export Laboratory Services

California Exposition and State Fair (Cal Expo)

California Fair Political Practices Commission

California Fairs and Expositions Division

California Film Commission

California Fire and Resource Assessment Program

California Firearms Division

California Fiscal Services

California Fish and Game Commission

California Fisheries Program Branch

California Floodplain Management

California Foster Youth Help

California Franchise Tax Board (FTB)

California Fraud Division

California Gambling Control Commission

California Geographic I nformation Systems Council (GIS)

California Geological Survey

California Government Claims and Victim Compensation Board

California Governors Committee for Employment of Disabled Persons

California Governors Mentoring Partnership

California Governors Office of Emergency Services

California Governors Office of Homeland Security

California Governors Office of Planning and Research

California Governors Office

California Grant and Enterprise Zone Programs HCD Loan

California Health and Human Services Agency

California Health and Safety Agency

California Healthy Families Program

California Hearing Aid Dispensers Bureau

California High-Speed Rail Authority

California Highway Patrol (CHP)

California History and Culture Agency

California Horse Racing Board

California Housing Finance Agency

California Indoor Air Quality Program

California Industrial Development Financing Advisory Commission

California Industrial Welfare Commission

California InFoPeople

California Information Center for the Environment

California Infrastructure and Economic Development Bank (I-Bank)

California Inspection Services

California Institute for County Government

California Institute for Education Reform

California Integrated Waste Management Board

California Interagency Ecological Program

California Job Service

California Junta Estatal de Personal

California Labor and Employment Agency

California Labor and Workforce Development Agency

California Labor Market Information Division

California Land Use Planning Information Network (LUPIN)

California Lands Commission

California Landscape Architects Technical Committee

California Latino Legislative Caucus

California Law Enforcement Branch

California Law Enforcement General Library

California Law Revision Commission

California Legislative Analyst’s Office

California Legislative Black Caucus

California Legislative Counsel

California Legislative Division

California Legislative Information

California Legislative Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender (LGBT) Caucus

California Legislature Internet Caucus

California Library De velopment Services

California License and Revenue Branch

California Major Risk Medical Insurance Program

California Managed Risk Medical Insurance Board

California Maritime Academy

California Marketing Services

California Measurement Standards

California Medical Assistance Commission

California Medical Care Services

California Military Department

California Mining and Geology Board

California Museum for History, Women, and the Arts

California Museum Resource Center

California National Guard

California Native American Heritage Commission

California Natural Community Conservation Planning Program

California New Motor Vehicle Board

California Nursing Home Administrator Program

California Occupational Safety and Health Appeals Board

California Occupational Safety and Health Standards Board

California Ocean Resources Management Program

California Office of Administrative Hearings

California Office of Administrative Law

California Office of AIDS

California Office of Binational Border Health

California Office of Child Abuse Prevention

California Office of Deaf Access

California Office of Emergency Services (OES)

California Office of Environmental Health Hazard Assessment

California Office of Fiscal Services

California Office of Fleet Administration

California Office of Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA) Implementation (CalOHI)

California Office of Historic Preservation

California Office of Homeland Security

California Office of Human Resources

California Office of Legal Services

California Office of Legislation

California Office of Lieutenant Governor

California Office of Military and Aerospace Support

California Office of Mine Reclamation

California Office of Natural Resource Education

California Office of Privacy Protection

California Office of Public School Construction

California Office of Real Estate Appraisers

California Office of Risk and Insurance Management

California Office of Services to the Blind

California Office of Spill Prevention and Response

California Office of State Publishing (OSP)

California Office of Statewide Health Planning and Development

California Office of Systems Integration

California Office of the Inspector General

California Office of the Ombudsman

California Office of the Patient Advocate

California Office of the President

California Office of the Secretary for Education

California Office of the State Fire Marshal

California Office of the State Public Defender

California Office of Traffic Safety

California Office of Vital Records

California Online Directory

California Operations Control Office

California Opinion Unit

California Outreach and Technical Assistance Network (OTAN)

California Park and Recreation Commission

California Peace Officer Standards and Training (POST)

California Performance Review (CPR)

California Permit Information for Business (CalGOLD)

California Physical Therapy Board

California Physician Assistant Committee

California Plant Health and Pest Prevention Services

California Policy and Evaluation Division

California Political Reform Division

California Pollution Control Financing Authority

California Polytechnic State University, San Luis Obispo

California Postsecondary Education Commission

California Prevention Services

California Primary Care and Family Health

California Prison Industry Authority

California Procurement Division

California Public Employees Retirement System (CalPERS)

California Public Employment Relations Board (PERB)

California Public Utilities Commission (PUC)

California Real Estate Services Division

California Refugee Programs Branch

California Regional Water Quality Control Boards

California Registered Veterinary Technician Committee

California Registrar of Charitable Trusts

California Republican Caucus

California Research and Development Di vision

California Research Bureau

California Resources Agency

California Respiratory Care Board

California Rivers Assessment

California Rural Health Policy Council

California Safe Schools

California San Francisco Bay Conservation and Development Commission

California San Gabriel and Lower Los Angeles Rivers and Mountains Conservancy

California San Joaquin River Conservancy

California School to Career

California Science Center

California Scripps Institution of Oceanography

California Secretary of State Business Portal

California Secretary of State

California Seismic Safety Commission

California Self Insurance Plans (SIP)

California Senate Office of Research

California Small Business and Disabled Veteran Business Enterprise Certification Program

California Small Business Development Center Program

California Smart Growth Caucus

California Smog Check Information Center

California Spatial Information Library

California Special Education Division

California Speech-Language Pathology and Audiology Board

California Standardized Testing and Reporting (STAR)

California Standards and Assessment Division

California State Administrative Manual (SAM)

California State Allocation Board

California State and Consumer Services Agency

California State Architect

California State Archives

California State Assembly

California State Association of Counties (CSAC)

California State Board of Education

California State Board of Food and Agriculture

California Office of the Chief Information Officer (OCIO)

California State Children’s Trust Fun d

California State Compensation Insurance Fund

California State Contracts Register Program

California State Contracts Register

California State Controller

California State Council on Developmental Disabilities (SCDD)

California State Disability Insurance (SDI)

California State Fair (Cal Expo)

California State Jobs Employment Information

California State Lands Commission

California State Legislative Portal

California State Legislature

California State Library Catalog

California State Library Services Bureau

California State Library

California State Lottery

California State Mediation and Conciliation Service

California State Mining and Geology Board

California State Park and Recreation Commission

California State Parks

California State Personnel Board

California State Polytechnic University, Pomona

California State Railroad Museum

California State Science Fair

California State Senate

California State Summer School for Mathematics and Science (COSMOS)

California State Summer School for the Arts

California State Superintendent of Public Instruction

California State Teachers Retirement System (CalSTRS)

California State Treasurer

California State University Center for Distributed Learning

California State University, Bakersfield

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California State University, Monterey Bay

California State University, Northridge

California State University, Sacramento

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California State University, San Marcos

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California State University (CSU)

California State Water Project Analysis Office

California State Water Project

California State Water Resources Control Board

California Structural Pest Control Board

California Student Aid Commission

California Superintendent of Public Instruction

California Superior Courts

California Tahoe Conservancy

California Task Force on Culturally and Linguistically Competent Physicians and Dentists

California Tax Information Center

California Technology and Administration Branch Finance

California Telecommunications Division

California Telephone Medical Advice Services (TAMS)

California Transportation Commission

California Travel and Transportation Agency

California Unclaimed Property Program

California Unemployment Insurance Appeals Board

California Unemployment Insurance Program

California Uniform Construction Cost Accounting Commission

California Veterans Board

California Veterans Memorial

California Veterinary Medical Board and Registered Veterinary Technician Examining Committee

California Veterinary Medical Board

California Victim Compensation and Government Claims Board

California Volunteers

California Voter Registration

California Water Commission

California Water Environment Association (COWPEA)

California Water Resources Control Board

California Welfare to Work Division

California Wetlands Information System

California Wildlife and Habitat Data Analysis Branch

California Wildlife Conservation Board

California Wildlife Programs Branch

California Work Opportunity and Responsibility to Kids (CalWORKs)

California Workers Compensation Appeals Board

California Workforce and Labor Development Agency

California Workforce Investment Board

California Youth Authority (CYA)

Central Valley Flood Protection Board

Center for California Studies

Colorado River Board of California

Counting California

Dental Board of California

Health Insurance Plan of California (PacAdvantage)

Humboldt State University

Jobs with the State of California

Judicial Council of California

Learn California

Library of California

Lieutenant Governors Commission for One California

Little Hoover Commission (on California State Government Organization and Economy)

Medical Board of California

Medi-Cal

Osteopathic Medical Board of California

Physical Therapy Board of California

Regents of the University of California

San Diego State University

San Francisco State University

San Jose State University

Santa Monica Mountains Conservancy

State Bar of California

Supreme Court of California

Teach California

University of California

University of California, Berkeley

University of California, Davis

University of California, Hastings College of the Law

University of California, Irv ine

University of California, Los Angeles

University of California, Merced

University of California, Riverside

University of California, San Diego

University of California, San Francisco

University of California, Santa Barbara

University of California, Santa Cruz

Veterans Home of California

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 

They tell me it’s Monday again. Where do the weeks go? Still, there isn’t much we can do about it but start the week with a bit of a laugh.

This is another selection from my “stupidity is legal” file. Some of these are so daft that they are bound to raise a chuckle or two. I hope so anyhow. And I also hope that there are no repeats from other post, although I cannot guarantee that. Even if you have read some of them before they are the kind of thing that can stand a second or third or fourth read without lessening the enjoyment too much.

Here we go.

 

 

Lawyer: Mrs. Smith, you do believe that you are emotionally unstable?

 

Witness: I used to be.

 

Lawyer: How many times have you committed suicide?

 

Witness: Four times.

 

- – - – - – - – - -

 

 

Lawyer: Were you acquainted with the deceased?

 

Witness: Yes, sir.

 

Lawyer: Before or after he died?

 

- – - – - – - – - -

 

 

Lawyer: You say you’re innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal a watch.

 

Witness: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn’t see me steal it.

 

- – - – - – - – - -

 

 

Lawyer: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?

 

Mr. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

 

- – - – - – - – - -

 

 

Lawyer: At the time you first saw Dr. McCarty, had you ever seen him prior to that time?

 

- – - – - – - – - -

 

 

Lawyer: Did the lady standing at the driveway subsequently identify herself to you?

 

Witness: Yes, she did.

 

Lawyer: Who did she say she was?

 

Witness: She said she was the owner of the dog’s wife.

 

- – - – - – - – - -

 

 

Lawyer: Please state the location of your right foot immediately prior to impact.

 

Witness: Immediately before the impact, my right foot was located at the immediate end of my right leg.

 

- – - – - – - – - -

 

 

Lawyer: You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

 

- – - – - – - – - -

 

 

Lawyer: “Sir, what is your IQ?”

 

Witness: “Well, I can see pretty well, I think.”

 

- – - – - – - – - -

 

 

Lawyer: “Now sir, I’m sure you are an intelligent and honest man–”

 

Witness: “Thank you. If I weren’t under oath, I’d return the compliment.”

 

- – - – - – - – - -

 

 

Lawyer: “What is your brother-in-law’s name?”

 

Witness: “Borofkin.”

 

Lawyer: “What’s his first name?”

 

Witness: “I can’t remember.”

 

Lawyer: “He’s been your brother-in-law for years, and you can’t remember his first name?”

 

Witness: “No. I tell you, I’m too excited.” (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) “Nathan, for heaven’s sake, tell them your first name!”

 

- – - – - – - – - -

 

 

Lawyer: “Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?”

 

Witness: “No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.”

 

- – - – - – - – - -

 

 

Lawyer: “What is your marital status?”

 

Witness: “Fair.”

 

- – - – - – - – - -

 

 

Lawyer: “Are you married?”

 

Witness: “No, I’m divorced.”

 

Lawyer: “And what did your husband do before you divorced him?”

 

Witness: “A lot of things I didn’t know about.”

 

- – - – - – - – - -

 

 

The Court: “Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.”

 

- – - – - – - – - -

 

 

Lawyer: “Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?”

 

Witness: “He didn’t offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture.”

 

- – - – - – - – - -

 

 

Lawyer: “So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?”

 

Witness: “I didn’t see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.”

 

Lawyer: “It was covered?”

 

Witness: “Yes, bandaged.”

 

Lawyer: “Then, later on…what did you see?”

 

Witness: “I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.”

 

- – - – - – - – - -

 

 

Lawyer: “The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn’t it? You too were shot in the fracas.”

 

Witness: “No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.”

 

===============

 

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 

Here is another selection of courtroom bloopers. I hope there are no repeats from the last lot, but even if there are you can read most of them again and still laugh. I know I can.

Enjoy!

 

Lawyer: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?

Witness: By death.

Lawyer: And by whose death was it terminated?

- – - – - – - – - -

 

Lawyer: Have you lived in this town all your life?

Witness: Not yet.

- – - – - – - – - -

 

Lawyer: Did you blow your horn or anything?

Witness: After the accident?

Lawyer: Before the accident.

Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

- – - – - – - – - -

 

Lawyer: How many times have you committed suicide?

Witness: (looking confused) Is that a question?

- – - – - – - – - -

 

Lawyer: And where was the location of the accident?

Witness: Approximately milepost 499.

Lawyer: And where is milepost 499?

Witness: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

- – - – - – - – - -

 

Lawyer: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Witness: What do you think counselor.

- – - – - – - – - -

Lawyer: What happened then?

Witness: He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me”

Lawyer: And did he kill you?

Witness: Yes!

- – - – - – - – - -

 

Lawyer: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

- – - – - – - – - -

 

Lawyer: Were you alone or by yourself?

- – - – - – - – - -

 

Lawyer: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

- – - – - – - – - -

 

Lawyer: So you were gone until you returned?

- – - – - – - – - -

 

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, “Your Honor, I’d like to strike the next question.”

- – - – - – - – - -

 

Lawyer: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?

- – - – - – - – - -

 

Lawyer: Could you see him from where you were standing?

Witness: I could see his head.

Lawyer: And where was his head?

Witness: Just above his shoulders.

- – - – - – - – - -

 

Lawyer: … any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?

Witness: The victim lived.

- – - – - – - – - -

 

Lawyer: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?

Witness: No.

Lawyer: What was he doing with the dog’s ears?

Witness: Picking them up in the air.

Lawyer: Where was the dog at this time?

Witness: Attached to the ears.

- – - – - – - – - -

 

Lawyer: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?

Witness: She is my daughter.

Lawyer: Was she your daughter on February 13 1979?

- – - – - – - – - -

 

Lawyer: Did you stay all night with this man in New York?

Witness: I refuse to answer that question.

Lawyer: Did you stay all night with this man in Chicago?

Witness: I refuse to answer that question.

Lawyer: Did you stay all night with this man in Miami?

Witness: No.