Archive for the ‘ER’ Category

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 

I’m staying on yesterday’s medical theme.

When I was thinking about things medical I remembered an episode in a now defunct hospital where a friend of a friend of mine was being treated.

This bloke had broken his left leg, just below the knee, while playing football. It wasn’t a bad break, more of a crack really, but he was rushed to the emergency room where he was diagnosed and then x-rayed and then sent for prepping for the operating theatre where they would make sure everything was aligned properly and put on a plaster cast.

Some men have no hair on their legs and some men have a lot. This fellow was one of the latter and it was essential that his leg was shaved before the operation and certainly before the plaster cast was added.

Unfortunately that day the nurse responsible for the prepping and shaving must have been having an off-day  –  either that or she was as dumb as razor she was using.

I told you he’d broken his left leg and naturally the nurse started to shave his left leg. He was lying on his back at the time. That went well. The she and another nurse managed to get him turned over on to his stomach to complete the procedure. And she did, only this time she shaved the back of his right leg!

So there he was, lying on a trolley, ready for the operating theatre, with not a hair on the front of his left leg and not a hair on the back of his right leg.

They eventually got it sorted out after much hilarity, all of which completely bypassed the poor patient who ended up with two bald legs, one of them in plaster.

That’s what can happen in practice. Mistakes can also happen when medical charts are being written up some examples of which can be found in the selection below.

I think the late George Carlin put it best when he said that half the doctors and nurses out there practicing medicine were in the bottom half of their classes when studying for their qualifications.

Sometimes it shows.

Enjoy.

  

“Surgery will be performed under General Anastasia.”

(Will it be on the privates perhaps?)

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“Since she can’t conceive I’ve sent her to a futility expert.”

(What’s the use of that?)

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“I saw your patient yesterday, who’s still under our car for physical therapy.”

(Are his motor skills improving?)

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“There was some concern about financial matters, but the patient was told she could apply for pubic assistance.”

(Sounds a bit hairy to me.)

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“After her last child she had her tubs tied.”

(That’ll cure it alright!)

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“Infection resulted after she pimped a few popples”

(Petra Piper, eh?)

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“Social history reveals this 1 year old patient does not smoke or drink and is presently unemployed.”

(Layabout!)

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“Patient called and left word that he had expired last week.”

(What a dead loss.)

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“When she fainted her eyes rolled around the room.”

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“While she was in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated, and sent home.”

(The slut!)

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“This chubby youngster needs a slim adult to look up to as a role model.”

(Mr & Mrs Arbuckle’s offspring no doubt.)

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“I keep reassuring her that her memory will improve, but again today she forgot to pay her bill.”

(It’s called CML  –  convenient memory loss.)

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“Patient is to remain plastered for the next 6 to 8 weeks.”

(Now there’s the first sensible medical advice I’ve heard.)

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“She got my instructions messed up and cut out all exercise and increased her sweets.”

(The see food diet possibly.)

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“He’s rather sedentary and drives a bust all day.”

(Perhaps he should nipple long to another hospital?)

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“Bleeding began in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.”

(Bloody bum!)

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“I’ve asked him to call and let me know who he’s feeling this week.”

(You gotta get your kicks some way.)

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“Patient came in today complaining of chronic vaginal affection.”

(Like I said, you gotta get your kicks some way!!)

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“Rectal exam reveals normal-size thyroid.” 

(Oh, man, that must have hurt!)

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“His prognosis was poor, having a massive cerebral hemorrhoid.”

(Was his head splitting?)

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“Following the exam of her breasts we discussed the impending nasal surgery.”

(Always safer to check first.)

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“Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized.”

(I bet he framed that chart.)

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“She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.”

(What are they complaining about then?)

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“Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.”

(And a bit of numbness too I would imagine)

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“On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.”

(Magic can cure anything)

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“The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.”

(Doesn’t she need further expensive tests just to be sure?)

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“The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.”

(How much do you charge per hour?)

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“Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.”

(I think this Dr has a bit of a God complex)

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“Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.”

(What did you say?)

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“The patient refused autopsy.”

(It’s alive, it’s alive!!!)

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“The patient has no previous history of suicides.”

(You figured that all out by yourself then?)

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“Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.”

(Some people are so careless)

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“Patient’s medical history has been unremarkable with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.”

(On hospital food? I don’t think so!)

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“Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.”

(But was it organic?)

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“Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.”

(Now you’re talking!)

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“Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.”

(My pleasure)

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“She is numb from her toes down.”

(Not much hope there then)

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“The skin was moist and dry.”

(That was a pore diagnosis)

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“Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.”

(Yes, but when?)

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“Patient was alert and unresponsive.”

(Marriage will do that to you)

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“She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.”

(There’s nothing like a good riddance)

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“Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.”

(How long was it before you moved in?)

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“The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.”

(Pervert!)

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“The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.”

(Anal retentive to a man)

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“Skin: somewhat pale but present.”

(Sound like a job for Dr Dermott Ologist)

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“The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.”

(Get down baby!)

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“Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.”

(Is there a shortage of chairs?)

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“Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.”

(Politician visiting someone perchance?)

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“Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.”

(That’s more than enough to have to suffer)

 

 

 

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 

If television programs like ‘ER’ are anything to go by, it can get frantic in the emergency rooms of some hospitals. Everything seems to happen at breakneck speed. Give me the thingummy-bob STAT and all that sort of thing.

Unless you have the misfortune to need to visit an emergency room in the UK. Then you’ll be urgently placed in a queue for two or three hours, maybe a lot longer! I have heard so many horror stories about the waiting times there.

ER UK style

ER UK style

 

Hopefully the doctors don’t make too many mistakes, but here are a few examples of what I think we could call medical bloopers as reported by the Doctors themselves.

Enjoy.

 

1. From Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

A man comes into the ER and yells, ‘My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!’

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her under- wear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs — and I was in the wrong one.

 

 

2. From Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall.

‘Big breaths,’ I instructed.

‘Yes, they used to be,’ replied the patient.

 

 

3. From Dr. Susan Steinberg

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarction.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a ‘massive internal fart.’

 

 

4. From Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.

‘Which one?’ I asked. ‘The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!’ I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see.

Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions ; include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

 

patches

patches

 

5. From Dr. Steven Swanson-Corvallis, OR

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, ‘How long have you been bedridden?’

After a look of complete confusion she answered.

‘Why, not for about twenty years – when my husband was alive.’

 

 

6. From Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked, ‘So how’s your breakfast this morning?’

‘It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste’, the patient replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled ‘KY Jelly.’

 

 

7. From RN no name

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.

It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, ‘Keep off the grass.’

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said, ‘Sorry, had to mow the lawn.’

 

AND FINALLY!!!…………….

 

8. From Dr. wouldn’t submit his name

As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.

To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.

I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, ‘I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?’

She replied, ‘No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, ‘I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener’.