Archive for the ‘Doctors’ Category

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Something that has always annoyed me is the deference most people pay to scientists and scientific research, for no other good reasons than they don’t understand what is being said or they imagine because something or other is being stated by a scientist it is beyond reproach.

How this stupid thinking has come about I really don’t know, because if science has proven anything, it has proven that nothing is set in stone. What we know today, we may find out is nonsense tomorrow, as more scientific research is done and new discoveries are made. Flat earthers take note.

But people being what they are – and scientists are people too – within the scientific community, as well as the really intelligent,  there are also idiots, deluded souls incapable of setting aside their own bias and belief in their own infallibility, and downright crooks who play on the public’s misplaced faith in them to promote themselves reap their rewards.

What this all boils down to is that when we hear a scientist pronouncing on some great new discovery we don’t know whether it is a breakthrough or just more bollocks.  

Nowhere is this better seen than within medical research.

Here greedy scientists and big business combine to feed us with information that not only does not stand up to proper scrutiny, but that has been deliberately selective in the results it publicizes to back up its claims.

Why is this important?

Because people die as a result, that’s why. And not in small numbers either.

For example, over 100,000 people in America died unnecessarily because of they took anti arrhythmic drugs that doctors prescribed because they relied on deeply flawed scientific studies.

Imagine what the government would have done if Bin Laden had killed more than 100,000 Americans?

But enough from me. I’ll hand you over to a doctor to tell more of the story. It’s interesting and you never know, after you listen to it you might view the next big scientific discovery with the skepticism it probably deserves.

. 


. 
===========================

. 

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

The hospital was just like any other.

It had accident and emergency, medical, surgical and all the other usual departments and wards. It also had an Intensive Care Unit, well staffed and managed, just like any other.

Except that this Intensive Care Unit wasn’t just like any other. Patients kept dying in this unit.

Not only that, but they always died in the same bed, and at the same time, on Sunday mornings at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. 

It had been that way for a while and doctors, nurses and the hospital management were not only puzzled, but rather nervous too.

What could possibly be the reason? The laws of probability made this occurrence way more than one in a million.

Some even thought it had to have something to do with the super natural.

Had something terrible happened in that ward sometime in the past?

Was the hospital built on the site of some awful tragedy that had taken place years ago?

Was there some kind of portal to another dimension where evil entities could enter and leave?

There were many more questions than answers, but no one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths always occurred in the same bed and around the same time, 11:00 am Sunday.

Eventually a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. It included scientists, medical experts, a crew with electronic detection equipment, several clergymen  and even a medium. 

They were prepared for anything and everything.

Or so they thought.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited with the team of experts outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. 

Some were holding wooden crosses, others prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. 

Then, just when the clock struck 11:00 am, the ward door suddenly burst open.

The crowd of watchers gasped.

Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward.

He walked over to the wall beside the offending bed, unplugged the life support system and plugged in his vacuum cleaner.

Turns out the culprit was Pookie and not a spookie after all.

.

The hospital cleaner

=============================

.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 .

In case you were wondering, this post has nothing to do with Michael Crichton’s mind control novel with the same title. Rather it is about people with no minds trying to control the rest of us.

Strange, as well as stupid, people feature on the fasab blog.

None come stranger than Mehran Karimi Nasseri, also known as Sir, Alfred Mehran (yes, including the comma).

Nasseri is an Iranian refugee who was expelled from Iran in 1977 for protests against the Shah. After a long battle, involving applications in several countries, he was awarded refugee status by the United Nations High Commission for refugees in Belgium which permitted him residence in any European country.

He claimed to have one British parent, although he produced no evidence to support this, and decided to settle in the UK in 1986.  But en route to there, in 1988, he claimed that he was mugged and his shoulder bag stolen while waiting at the RER platform to go to Charles de Gaulle Airport to take a flight to Heathrow.

When he tried to go to the United Kingdom, Nasseri managed to board the plane, but when he arrived at Heathrow, London without the necessary documentation, immigration officials sent him back to Charles de Gaulle airport.

Unable to prove his identity, or his refugee status, to the French officials, he was initially arrested and moved to the Zone d’attente (waiting zone), a holding area for travelers who do not have papers. However, due to the fact that his entry to the airport was legal he was released, but, since he had no country of origin to be returned to, he began his residence in the departure lounge of Terminal One in Charles de Gaulle Airport on August 8, 1988.

Mr. Nasseri’s predicament was made into a movie in 1993 entitled ‘Tombes du Ciel’, starring Jean Rochefort, Ticky Holgado, and Marisa Paredes. And he was reportedly the inspiration behind the 2004 movie ‘The Terminal’, starring Tom Hanks.

However, unlike Hanks’ character in the movie, and since at least 1994, Nasseri did not live in the duty-free transit area, but simply in the departure hall, in the circular boutiques and restaurants passage on the lowest floor.

Theoretically he could leave the terminal at any moment, although, since everyone knew him, his departure might not remain unnoticed. He did not seem to speak with anyone normally.

With his cart and bags, he almost looked like a traveler, so people either did not notice him or ignored him as if he were a homeless person. Airport workers were kind enough to give him food.

In 1992, his case was taken on by French human rights lawyer Christian Bourget. However, in one of those absurd rulings that idiot bureaucrats and judges can only dream up, the French courts ruled that, having entered the country legally, he could not be expelled from the airport, but neither could it grant him permission to enter France.

Attempts were then made to have new documents issued from Belgium, but the authorities there would only do so if Nasseri presented himself in person. However, under Belgian law a refugee who voluntarily leaves a country that has accepted him cannot return.

In 1995, the Belgian authorities granted permission for him to return, but only if he agreed to live there under supervision of a social worker. Nasseri refused this on the grounds of wanting to enter the UK as originally intended.

In July 2006, eighteen years later (yes, that’s 18 years!) Nasseri’s stay at the Charles de Gaulle Airport ended when he was hospitalized and his sitting place dismantled.

Towards the end of January 2007, he left the hospital and was looked after by the airport’s branch of the French Red Cross. He was lodged for a few weeks in a hotel close to the airport.

On March 6, 2007, he transferred to an Emmaus charity reception centre in Paris’s twentieth arrondissement. As far as I know he may still be there.

And you thought US immigration took a long time!

The Terminal Man - Mehran Karimi Nasseri

The Terminal Man – Mehran Karimi Nasseri

 

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 .

This Wednesday I am pleased to present part two of my trio of tributes to the late George Carlin and his great gift for seeing the world from the humorous side.

It turns out from the reaction to last week’s post that George still has a lot of fans out there which is great news.

Enjoy this latest selection.

 

 

If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.

 

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

 

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.

 

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

 

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

 

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

 

If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.

 

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

 

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

 

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

 

I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.

 

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.

 

If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?

 

In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.

 

“One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.

 

Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.

 

The future will soon be a thing of the past.

 

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.

 

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

 

===========================

 

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 

“I’ll never forget what’s his name,” is something I have a habit of saying. I’ve always had a good memory and recall for most things, particularly numbers, but sometimes I’m terrible with names. I can be trying to hold a sensible conversation with someone, usually someone who I haven’t seen for a long time, and while I know their face perfectly, can I remember the name! It makes for awkward times and sometimes amusing ones as well.

I hope it doesn’t get any worse as I get older! I’d hate to end my days with “oul timers” as we call it in our family, my aunt having been so afflicted for a few years before her passing.

But like all adversities there are the funny sides.

Here’s a report from an old issue of the Southland Times in New Zealand that I thought was amusing.

 

The police were called to the Whangarei ward at the Aged Care Centre in Kaikohe, New Zealand, because a fight had broken out.

When they arrived, they could see that the two elderly protagonists had been involved in a mighty punch-up. Both were covered in blood, their clothes were torn, one had a broken nose and half his hair ripped out, and the other had a broken arm and a hypodermic needle stuck in his penis.

Furniture and equipment had been smashed flat, beds had been overturned, and the other patients on the ward were terrified.

When the matter came to court, Police Sergeant Maurice Loveridge reported as follows:

“…. the fight took place in a ward full of elderly Alzheimer’s patients, and it has gradually become clear that nobody can remember what happened, or who was responsible.

One patient keeps repeating the phrase ‘we ought to have more manure’, but frankly this gives us no clue.

The two accused men do not recognise each other, nor do the other patients, and the ones who initially reported the incident to us had forgotten that there even was a fight by the time we tried to question them.

Therefore, because nobody can now recall the incident, the Police Prosecution Department has reluctantly decided to withdraw the case against both men.”

 

These aren’t the same old boys as in the New Zealand fracas, but they’re the best I could come up with. They made me laugh.

Enjoy!

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 

I’m staying on yesterday’s medical theme.

When I was thinking about things medical I remembered an episode in a now defunct hospital where a friend of a friend of mine was being treated.

This bloke had broken his left leg, just below the knee, while playing football. It wasn’t a bad break, more of a crack really, but he was rushed to the emergency room where he was diagnosed and then x-rayed and then sent for prepping for the operating theatre where they would make sure everything was aligned properly and put on a plaster cast.

Some men have no hair on their legs and some men have a lot. This fellow was one of the latter and it was essential that his leg was shaved before the operation and certainly before the plaster cast was added.

Unfortunately that day the nurse responsible for the prepping and shaving must have been having an off-day  -  either that or she was as dumb as razor she was using.

I told you he’d broken his left leg and naturally the nurse started to shave his left leg. He was lying on his back at the time. That went well. The she and another nurse managed to get him turned over on to his stomach to complete the procedure. And she did, only this time she shaved the back of his right leg!

So there he was, lying on a trolley, ready for the operating theatre, with not a hair on the front of his left leg and not a hair on the back of his right leg.

They eventually got it sorted out after much hilarity, all of which completely bypassed the poor patient who ended up with two bald legs, one of them in plaster.

That’s what can happen in practice. Mistakes can also happen when medical charts are being written up some examples of which can be found in the selection below.

I think the late George Carlin put it best when he said that half the doctors and nurses out there practicing medicine were in the bottom half of their classes when studying for their qualifications.

Sometimes it shows.

Enjoy.

  

“Surgery will be performed under General Anastasia.”

(Will it be on the privates perhaps?)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“Since she can’t conceive I’ve sent her to a futility expert.”

(What’s the use of that?)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“I saw your patient yesterday, who’s still under our car for physical therapy.”

(Are his motor skills improving?)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“There was some concern about financial matters, but the patient was told she could apply for pubic assistance.”

(Sounds a bit hairy to me.)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“After her last child she had her tubs tied.”

(That’ll cure it alright!)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“Infection resulted after she pimped a few popples”

(Petra Piper, eh?)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“Social history reveals this 1 year old patient does not smoke or drink and is presently unemployed.”

(Layabout!)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“Patient called and left word that he had expired last week.”

(What a dead loss.)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“When she fainted her eyes rolled around the room.”

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“While she was in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated, and sent home.”

(The slut!)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“This chubby youngster needs a slim adult to look up to as a role model.”

(Mr & Mrs Arbuckle’s offspring no doubt.)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“I keep reassuring her that her memory will improve, but again today she forgot to pay her bill.”

(It’s called CML  -  convenient memory loss.)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“Patient is to remain plastered for the next 6 to 8 weeks.”

(Now there’s the first sensible medical advice I’ve heard.)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“She got my instructions messed up and cut out all exercise and increased her sweets.”

(The see food diet possibly.)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“He’s rather sedentary and drives a bust all day.”

(Perhaps he should nipple long to another hospital?)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“Bleeding began in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.”

(Bloody bum!)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“I’ve asked him to call and let me know who he’s feeling this week.”

(You gotta get your kicks some way.)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“Patient came in today complaining of chronic vaginal affection.”

(Like I said, you gotta get your kicks some way!!)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“Rectal exam reveals normal-size thyroid.” 

(Oh, man, that must have hurt!)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“His prognosis was poor, having a massive cerebral hemorrhoid.”

(Was his head splitting?)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“Following the exam of her breasts we discussed the impending nasal surgery.”

(Always safer to check first.)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized.”

(I bet he framed that chart.)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.”

(What are they complaining about then?)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.”

(And a bit of numbness too I would imagine)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.”

(Magic can cure anything)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.”

(Doesn’t she need further expensive tests just to be sure?)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.”

(How much do you charge per hour?)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.”

(I think this Dr has a bit of a God complex)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.”

(What did you say?)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“The patient refused autopsy.”

(It’s alive, it’s alive!!!)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“The patient has no previous history of suicides.”

(You figured that all out by yourself then?)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.”

(Some people are so careless)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“Patient’s medical history has been unremarkable with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.”

(On hospital food? I don’t think so!)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.”

(But was it organic?)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.”

(Now you’re talking!)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.”

(My pleasure)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“She is numb from her toes down.”

(Not much hope there then)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“The skin was moist and dry.”

(That was a pore diagnosis)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.”

(Yes, but when?)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“Patient was alert and unresponsive.”

(Marriage will do that to you)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.”

(There’s nothing like a good riddance)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.”

(How long was it before you moved in?)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.”

(Pervert!)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.”

(Anal retentive to a man)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“Skin: somewhat pale but present.”

(Sound like a job for Dr Dermott Ologist)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.”

(Get down baby!)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.”

(Is there a shortage of chairs?)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.”

(Politician visiting someone perchance?)

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - -

 

“Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.”

(That’s more than enough to have to suffer)

 

 

 

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

 

If television programs like ‘ER’ are anything to go by, it can get frantic in the emergency rooms of some hospitals. Everything seems to happen at breakneck speed. Give me the thingummy-bob STAT and all that sort of thing.

Unless you have the misfortune to need to visit an emergency room in the UK. Then you’ll be urgently placed in a queue for two or three hours, maybe a lot longer! I have heard so many horror stories about the waiting times there.

ER UK style

ER UK style

 

Hopefully the doctors don’t make too many mistakes, but here are a few examples of what I think we could call medical bloopers as reported by the Doctors themselves.

Enjoy.

 

1. From Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

A man comes into the ER and yells, ‘My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!’

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her under- wear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs — and I was in the wrong one.

 

 

2. From Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall.

‘Big breaths,’ I instructed.

‘Yes, they used to be,’ replied the patient.

 

 

3. From Dr. Susan Steinberg

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarction.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a ‘massive internal fart.’

 

 

4. From Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.

‘Which one?’ I asked. ‘The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!’ I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see.

Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions ; include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

 

patches

patches

 

5. From Dr. Steven Swanson-Corvallis, OR

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, ‘How long have you been bedridden?’

After a look of complete confusion she answered.

‘Why, not for about twenty years – when my husband was alive.’

 

 

6. From Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked, ‘So how’s your breakfast this morning?’

‘It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste’, the patient replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled ‘KY Jelly.’

 

 

7. From RN no name

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.

It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, ‘Keep off the grass.’

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said, ‘Sorry, had to mow the lawn.’

 

AND FINALLY!!!…………….

 

8. From Dr. wouldn’t submit his name

As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.

To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.

I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, ‘I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?’

She replied, ‘No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, ‘I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener’.