Archive for May, 2014

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Mayday? No emergency here, unless you are allergic to bad jokes.

Coz it’s Pun Day again!

Enjoy or endure.

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rofl

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I’m in dispute with my TV program supplier

as they’re trying to charge me for my satellite dish.

I’m sure they told me it would be on the house.  

satellite dish on the house

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My favourite pick up line…

‘Pick that up’        

Pick that up

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Breaking News:

“UN-Staffed office bombed”

Phew, just as well there was no-one there then.      

empty-office

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Today, I saw a sign at a picture framing shop that said,

“Shoot the family, hang the kids, frame the wife.”

Don’t photographers have a dark sense of humour?

picture framing shop

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My New Year’s resolution is to save

enough money to buy a Velcro wall.

And I plan on sticking to it. 

Velcro wall

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God is talking to one of his angels. He says,

“Boy, I just created a 24-hour period of

alternating light and darkness on Earth.”

“What are you going to do now?” asks the angel.

“Call it a day,” says God.

good-day

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I came downstairs this morning

to see that my curtains were drawn.

All the furniture was real though.

curtains drawn

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I saw a woman stood in her flooded front room crying.

I thought, “If anything, you’re just making it worse.” 

flooded front room crying

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Do you know what really makes me smile?

Facial muscles.

face-muscles

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I hired a private detective to investigate the sudden

death of my Grandad, while in intensive care.

He followed a few leads.

Faulty plug on the life support machine, apparently.

Faulty plug on the life support machine

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My son was up all night answering questions about resistors.

His Physics teacher always sets too much Ohm work.

Ohm work

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Towards the end of the Jurassic period,

the Thesaurus was the first dinosaur to become

extinct, obsolete, belated, vanished and wiped out.

thesaurus_t-shirt

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Body-snatching.

It’s not the winning,

it’s the taking parts that counts.

Body-snatching

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This makes no sense – yesterday my calculator

was working fine, today it isn’t working at all.

It just doesn’t add up.

calculator

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When I was a boy, my friends said

quoting songs would get me nowhere.

Well, Against All Odds, Take A Look At Me Now.

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Have you ever Googled yourself to see if there is anything on the internet about you, or even if there are any other people with the same name as you?

I bet you have. I think everyone does at some stage. Some people call it ‘ego-surfing’.

I actually hadn’t, but I did just now. Apparently there’s a British Member of Parliament and a Realtor in Kentucky using my name. I’ll have to put a stop to that!

But getting back to today’s post. There’s nothing wrong with Googling yourself, unless of course you are a moron, in which case the consequences can be both unseen (for you) and quite traumatic.

That’s what happened to a guy called Christopher Viatafa.

He’s a moron.

And a criminal.

In fact Christopher was being sought in connection with a shooting during a private party at the San Leandro Senior Center in California. Police said he got into an argument, pulled out a handgun and fired several rounds into the ground.

He was forced out of the area, but not before he fired more rounds. No one was hit, but police investigators were looking for him for allegedly discharging a firearm toward an inhabited dwelling.

That was okay, as far as he was concerned.

But then the astute Christopher Googled his name, found a picture of himself on a “Most Wanted” website….

and….

wait for it….

you know what’s coming….

promptly surrendered to San Leandro police in connection with a shooting.

Viatafa told police he had looked himself up online and found his mug on the “Northern California Most Wanted” website, maintained by the Northern California Regional Intelligence Center, a group of local, state and federal law enforcement agencies.

“That is why he turned himself in,” police said.

By the following Friday, Viatafa was listed on the website as a “captured fugitive”.

The website didn’t say that he had captured himself.

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dumb criminal Christopher Viatafa

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Indeed, it’s time for another factoid feast.

I would say that this is an unusual selection, but the truth is they are usually unusual, if you see what I mean.

I try to make the whole thing as random as possible so there is at least one or two things that you find interesting.

So here goes this week’s offering.

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did you know5

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Many Japanese golfers carry “hole-in-one” insurance,

because it is traditional in Japan to share one’s good luck

by sending gifts to all your friends when you get an “ace.”

The price for what the Japanese term an “albatross”

can often reach $10,000.

hole in one

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Those sunbeams that you see shining down

through the clouds are called ‘crespucular rays’.

Crepuscular rays

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A-1 Steak Sauce contains

both orange peel and raisins.

A-1 Steak Sauce

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The Chinese ideogram for ‘trouble’ symbolizes

‘two women living under one roof’.

trouble2

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Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of

their unwanted people without killing them

use to burn their houses down

- hence the expression “to get fired.”

burning houses

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The naval rank of “Admiral” is derived from

the Arabic phrase “amir al bahr”,

which means “lord of the sea”.

Admiral Mike Mullen

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Mt. Vernon Washington grows more tulips

than the entire country of Holland.

Mt. Vernon Washington tulip fields

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Jamie Farr (who played Klinger on M*A*S*H)

was the only member of the cast who

actually served as a soldier in the Korean war.

Jamie Farr as Klinger in MASH

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Little known Cathedral Caverns near Grant, Alabama

has the world’s largest cave opening, the largest stalagmite (Goliath),

and the largest stalagmite forest in the World.

Cathedral Caverns Alabama

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The word ‘pixel’ is a contraction of

either ‘picture cell’ or ‘picture element.’

pixels

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Back in the mid to late 80’s, an IBM compatible computer

wasn’t considered a hundred percent compatible

unless it could run Microsoft’s Flight Simulator.

Microsoft's Flight Simulator

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If you were born in Los Alamos, New Mexico

during the Manhattan project (where they made the atomic bomb),

your birthplace was listed as a post office box in Albequerque.

Manhattan project sign

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Ralph Lauren’s original name was Ralph Lifshitz.

(I can’t say I’m surprised he changed a crappy name like that.)

Ralph Lifshitz

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The word “samba” means “to rub navels together.”

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Welcome to another quiz day.

Twenty more random questions to test your brain.

As usual the answers can be found waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below,  but please NO cheating!

Enjoy and good luck.

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quiz 04

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Q.  1:  GEICO is a huge very well known auto insurance company, the second largest auto insurer in the United States, but what do the letters ‘G-E-I-C-O’ stand for?

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Q.  2:  On a NY license plate, is New York on the top or bottom?

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Q.  3:  In which ocean is the area known as Polynesia?

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Q.  4:  During World War Two what proportion of German soldiers who died were killed on the Eastern Front?

           a)  20%          b) 40%            c) 60%            d) 80%

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Q.  5:  Ernesto ‘Che’ Guevara, the revolutionary hero, took part in guerrilla wars in Cuba and was killed fighting Bolivian troops, but what nationality was he?

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Q.  6:  Whose high school nickname on the basketball team was “Barry O’Bomber”?

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Q.  7:  What is the infinity sign called?

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Q.  8:  How many sides are there on a standard pencil?

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Q.  9:  What is the only English word with five consecutive vowels?

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Q. 10:  Over 30 million people in the US and millions more in other countries “suffer” from Diastima. What is it?

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Q. 11:  What country leader’s name has become synonymous as a person who betrays his or her own country by aiding an invading enemy, often serving later in a puppet government or as a fifth columnist?

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Q. 12:  How did the famous ‘Tribeca’ area in Manhattan, New York get its name?

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Q. 13:  Who were the unlikely twins in the 1988 movie of that name? (A point for each correct answer.)

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Q. 14:  What mythological Greek god’s name was used in a famous disaster movie and its sequels and spin-offs?

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Q. 15:  What is the origin of the name ‘Jeep’?

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Q. 16:  Where does parma ham originate? (You need the name of BOTH the town and the country to score a point.)

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Q. 17:  Only two states’ names in the US begin with double consonants, a point for each one you name correctly.

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Q. 18:  The Terminator was sent from the future to kill who in the first of this series of movies?

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Q. 19:  What is the name of the highest military decoration awarded for valour “in the face of the enemy” to members of the armed forces of various Commonwealth countries, and previous British Empire territories?

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Q. 20:  What was it that The Beatles wanted to hold in 1964?

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  GEICO is a huge very well known auto insurance company, the second largest auto insurer in the United States, but what do the letters ‘G-E-I-C-O’ stand for?

A.  1:  ‘GEICO’ stands for Government Employees Insurance Company.

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Q.  2:  On a NY license plate, is New York on the top or bottom?

A.  2:  It’s on the top.

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Q.  3:  In which ocean is the area known as Polynesia?

A.  3:  The Pacific Ocean.

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Q.  4:  During World War Two what proportion of German soldiers who died were killed on the Eastern Front?

           a)  20%          b) 40%            c) 60%            d) 80%

A.  4:  Answer d) 80%. For every five German soldiers who died in WWII, four of them died on the Eastern Front.

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Q.  5:  Ernesto ‘Che’ Guevara, the revolutionary hero, took part in guerrilla wars in Cuba and was killed fighting Bolivian troops, but what nationality was he?

A.  5:  He was Argentinean.

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Q.  6:  Whose high school nickname on the basketball team was “Barry O’Bomber”?

A.  6:  “Barry O’Bomber” was the high school nickname of a  fellow called Barrack Obama.

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Q.  7:  What is the infinity sign called?

A.  7:  The infinity sign is called a ‘lemniscate’.

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Q.  8:  How many sides are there on a standard pencil?

A.  8:  There are 6 sides on a standard pencil.

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Q.  9:  What is the only English word with five consecutive vowels?

A.  9:  “Queueing” is the only English word with five consecutive vowels.

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Q. 10:  Over 30 million people in the US and millions more in other countries “suffer” from Diastima. What is it?

A. 10:  Diastima is having a gap between your front teeth.

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Q. 11:  What country leader’s name has become synonymous as a person who betrays his or her own country by aiding an invading enemy, often serving later in a puppet government or as a fifth columnist?

A. 11:  Norweigan leader Vidkun Quisling collaborated with the invading German army during WWII. After the war he was put on trial and found guilty of embezzlement, murder and high treason and executed by firing squad at Akershus Fortress, Oslo, on 24 October 1945.

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Q. 12:  How did the famous ‘Tribeca’ area in Manhattan, New York get its name?

A. 12:  ‘Tribeca’ in Manhattan, New  York stands for TRIangle BElow CAnal street.

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Q. 13:  Who were the unlikely twins in the 1988 movie of that name? (A point for each correct answer.)

A. 13:  The twins in the movie ‘Twins’ were Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito.

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Q. 14:  What mythological Greek god’s name was used in a famous disaster movie and its sequels and spin-offs?

A. 14:  Poseidon, as in ‘The Poseidon Adventure’ (1972), ‘Beyond the Poseidon Adventure’ (1979), ‘The Poseidon Adventure’ (2005) (TV Movie), and ‘Poseidon’ (2006).

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Q. 15:  What is the origin of the name ‘Jeep’?

A. 15:  The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the “General Purpose” vehicle, G.P.

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Q. 16:  Where does parma ham originate? (You need the name of BOTH the town and the country to score a point.)

A. 16:  Parma, Italy.

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Q. 17:  Only two states’ names in the US begin with double consonants, a point for each one you name correctly.

A. 17:  The only two states’ names in the US that begin with double consonants are Florida and Rhode Island.

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Q. 18:  The Terminator was sent from the future to kill who in the first of this series of movies?

A. 18:  Sarah Connor.

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Q. 19:  What is the name of the highest military decoration awarded for valour “in the face of the enemy” to members of the armed forces of various Commonwealth countries, and previous British Empire territories?

A. 19:  The Victoria Cross.

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Q. 20:  What was it that The Beatles wanted to hold in 1964?

A. 20:  They wanted to hold ‘Your Hand’.

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Pierre-Joseph Proudhon – What It Means To Be Governed.

Posted: May 25, 2014 in Current Events, Inspirational, Politics, Rants
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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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I had intended to indulge myself today with a bit of a Sunday Sermon about the increasing intrusiveness of government.

But then I found a quote from a Frenchman named Pierre-Joseph Proudhon and I decided to let him use my pulpit on this occasion.

He didn’t know about the “En ess a” snoopers who have been listening to our phone calls, reading our emails, and spying on the leaders of nations that are supposed to be friends and allies of the United States, because he was speaking about what it means to be governed more than two hundred years ago.

Nevertheless, his words ring eerily true.

Nothing, it seems, has changed.

In fact today’s technology has made things far worse.

This is what he had to say all those years ago….

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To be governed is to be

watched over,

inspected,

spied on,

directed,

legislated at,

regulated,

docketed,

indoctrinated,

preached at,

controlled,

assessed,

weighed,

censored,

(and) ordered about,

by men who have neither the right, nor the knowledge, nor the virtue.

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To be governed is to be at every operation, at every transaction,

noted,

registered,

enrolled,

taxed,

stamped,

measured,

numbered,

assessed,

licensed,

authorized,

admonished,

forbidden,

reformed,

corrected,

(and) punished.

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It is, under the pretext of public utility, and in the name of the general interest, to be

placed under contribution,

trained,

ransomed,

exploited,

monopolized,

extorted,

squeezed,

mystified,

(and) robbed;

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Then, at the slightest resistance, the first word of complaint, to be

repressed,

fined,

despised,

harassed,

tracked,

abused,

clubbed,

disarmed,

choked,

imprisoned,

judged,

condemned,

shot,

deported,

sacrificed,

sold,

betrayed;

and, to crown all,

mocked,

ridiculed,

outraged,

(and) dishonoured.

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That is government; that is its justice; that is its morality.

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The man knew what he was talking about.

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Portrait_of_Pierre_Joseph_Proudhon_1865

Pierre-Joseph Proudhon, (1809 – 1865) was a French politician, the founder of Mutualist philosophy, an economist and a libertarian socialist. He was the first person to declare himself an anarchist and is among its most influential theorists. He is considered by many to be the “father of anarchism”. He became a member of the French Parliament after the revolution of 1848, whereupon and thereafter he referred to himself as a federalist.

(Bio source http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pierre-Joseph_Proudhon )

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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A nice holiday in Nice, how nice.

Yes, pun day again folks.

Strap yourselves in and…..

Enjoy or endure!

. rofl

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Working as a cake waiter at a wedding,

I saw the most beautiful girl from across the room.

I immediately took a fancy to her.

fancy

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What berries do fat people enjoy the most?

Cadburys!

Cadburys-Dairy-Milk

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Guess what is in the middle of nowhere…

‘h’

 

nowhere

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I got bullied as a child for having glasses.

Every other kid in the neighborhood could only afford paper cups.

disposable-paper-cups-glasses

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A female police officer used a taser gun on me yesterday.

She was stunning.

taser

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Two hours ago I told my kid to shut his mouth and eat his supper.

The poor boy is still sitting at the table trying to figure out how to do it.

cartoon kid mouth shut

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I was supposed to go for a job interview

as a camouflage expert last week.

I didn’t turn up, and I got the job!

camouflage expert

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Did you hear the one about the depressed frog?

He wanted to kermit suicide.

kermit

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I caught my wife with another man last night.

Don’t worry though, it’s a trapeze act.

trapeze act

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I accidently left an apple outside my local Doctor’s surgery.

Now I’m worried he won’t be able to get in.

an apple a day keeps the doctor away

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I’m considering becoming a mind reader.

What are your thoughts?

mind reader

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I’ve just invented a machine that can immediately

tell you what condition a painting is in.

It’s state-of-the-art technology.

state of the art

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When you type

“Missing medieval servant”  

into Google it comes up with

“Page not found”

Page

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A man walked into a bar and ordered half a coke.

The barman said “OK”.

half a coke

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I went into the music store earlier and asked the guy

behind the counter if they had anything by Run DMC.

“Walk this way,” he replied.

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Many stupid crimes happen every day. And most of them are committed by stupid criminals.

Unfortunately most of the stories we never get to hear about, but occasionally we do.

Like this one, which must rank as one of the dumbest ever!

It happened in a place called Mullins, SC. The perpetrator, or would-be perpetrator, was a ‘genius’ called Laquain Deshawn Guy and he had the idea that he would rob an Arby’s fast food restaurant.

Arby's logo

Lots of cash in there, he thought, not considering that most of the takings would be banked at the end of business.

That was his first mistake.

His second was failing to break into the restaurant using either a back door or a window.

No, this genius had a better idea.

He thought he would climb on to the roof of the building and gain entrance through the ventilation shaft. That is the story told by Captain Joe Graham with the Mullins police and I see no reason at all to doubt him.

The main reason being that criminal mastermind Laquain Deshawn Guy found to his surprise that he didn’t fit the ventilation shaft – and promptly wedged himself in there just as tight as he could.

The more he struggled the worse it got.

Man, was he stuck!

And he remained stuck for the next ten hours, until an Arby’s employee was opening the business Tuesday morning and he heard “noises”. I like to think that the noises were the farts being squeezed out of him as he got wedged in tighter and tighter, but nobody will confirm this.

The employee immediately called the police and that’s when they realized that the strange noises were coming from the very stuck Laquain still wedged inside the shaft.

Mullins Fire and Rescue eventually freed the idiot by cutting the ventilation pipe and pulling him through the roof, where he emerged dehydrated and with some muscle damage.

Crews then lowered him down and onto a stretcher and took him to hospital where he spent a few days before facing charges of Burglary Second Degree.

What a moron!

Fire and Ambulance Rescue trucks outside the Arby's restaurant where Laquaine got himself stuck in the ventilation shaft

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