Archive for February, 2014

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Except to predict that you are about to read another selection of those plays on words we call puns.

You’ve come too far to stop now, so you might as well…..

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl .

First some breaking news:

Apple is to start going door to door in a

new marketing effort to sell more of their products

The new sales team members will be known as

iWitnesses.

iwitnesses

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Just got myself a new job working at the

end of the production line in a vodka factory.

I’m making an Absolut packet.

absolut

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When a married couple fall out

about who makes the best coffee

is it grounds for divorce?

bad_coffee_is_grounds_for_divorce_coffee_mug

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Whenever my car breaks down

I take it to my Scottish friend.

Andy McCannick.

Andy McCannick

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My wife curses uncontrollably

when she chews her gum.

She’s got Nicorettes.

Nicorette Gum

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My boss always asks for help with Excel.

My skills are =A1.

excel2

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I’m having trouble keeping my hands warm

with these new fingerless gloves…

Any tips?

Fingerless_Gloves

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I was sat in my front lounge last night when my ex

drove past and threw a can of paint at my window.

I hate it when women get emulsional.

window splattered with paint

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I went out to the shop earlier to buy a book called

“100 Ways How To Build Confidence”.

I couldn’t buy it though,

the guy at the till would have laughed at me.

100 ways to build confidence

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I switched the letters ‘T’ and ‘K’ on my

computer to make it a little bit different.

Now it’s a QWERKY keyboard.

QWERKY keyboard

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Edward Deidde,

the man who spent his entire life explaining

that his surname was “deed” has collapsed.

He was airlifted to hospital

where he was pronounced dead.

confused-doctor-on-shutterstock

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Silent but deadly farts apparently do not count

as having an air of mystery about me.

Silent but deadly farts

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I told my butler a joke about firing him

because the doorbell rang all day.

He didn’t get it.

butler

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So it turns out ornithologists are not the experts

on sexual arousal I had assumed them to be.

ornithologists

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In case the country gets invaded and I have to quickly hide,

I have a big pop art painting on my wall

that hides a secret panic room.

I call it my handy war hole.

Warhol-Campbell_Soup-1-screenprint-1968

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Last week I had a bit of a rant about one of the most annoying inventions of modern times, the hellish auto-correct feature on our cell phones.

The examples at the end of that rant proved to quite funny.

So, with the appropriate health and safety warning for those likely to be offended by strong and explicit language, here is another selection.

Enjoy.

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 autocorrect011.

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autocorrect012.

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autocorrect013.

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autocorrect014.

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autocorrect015.

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autocorrect016.

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autocorrect017.

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autocorrect018.

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autocorrect019.

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autocorrect020.

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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It’s the last fact filled Tuesday in February, but not the last of the facts!

Another random mixture, surely there will be a few good ones in here for you.

Enjoy.

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did you know2

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The Earth weighs around

6,600,000,000,000,000,000,000 tons

(5,940 billion billion metric tonnes)!

earth-moon-mass

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Over 10,000 birds a year die

from smashing into windows!

bird seeing stars

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A mole can dig a tunnel 300 feet long

in just one night!

mole

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In Natoma, Kansas, it’s illegal to throw

knives at men wearing striped suits.

men wearing striped suits

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About 3000 years ago, most Egyptians

died by the time they were 30!

ancient pharaoh_preview

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There wasn’t a single pony in

the Pony Express, just horses!

ponyexpresslogo

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The penguin is the only bird

that can swim, but not fly!

penguin

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There are approximately fifty Bibles

sold each minute across the world!

bibles

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Rice paper does not have any rice in it!

Rice_paper

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The most used letter in the English alphabet

is ‘E’, and ‘Q’ is the least used!

EQ

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The opposite sides of a dice cube

always add up to seven!

dice-game-cube-die-gambling-gaming-img

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Apples are more efficient than caffeine

in keeping people awake in the mornings!

apples in a bowl, spoon and coffee beans isolated on white

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The poison-arrow frog has enough poison

to kill about 2,200 people!

poison arrow frog

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Smelling bananas and/or green apples

(that’s ‘smelling’, not ‘eating’)

can help you lose weight!

banana and green apple

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A lump of pure gold the size of a matchbox can

be flattened into a sheet the size of a tennis court!

gold_2Dbar

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Quiz day again folks.

Another random set of questions, some quite easy, others rather difficult and a couple of tricky ones thrown in for good measure.

But there’s no pass mark and no pressure so why not give them a go?

And, as usual, if you get stuck you can find the answers waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but please, NO cheating!

Enjoy and good luck.

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Quiz 07

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Q.  1:  The name of which capital city is also contained in the title of a movie starring Frank Sinatra?

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Q.  2:  What was the surname (last name) and the nicknames of the father and son who controlled Haiti from 1957 to 1986? (A point for each correct answer, so three points up for grabs.)

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Q.  3:  On which mountain did Noah’s Ark come to rest as the Great Flood subsided?

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Q.  4:  Who was the biggest selling female singer in America in the 1990s?

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Q.  5:  There are many examples of countries in the world that are land-locked, that is surrounded by several other countries, but there are three countries that are completely surrounded by one other country only, a point for each that you can name and a bonus point if you can name all three.

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Q.  6:  Why was Louise Brown famous in 1978?

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Q.  7:  What is the longest river in Australia?

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Q.  8:  In which well known movie would you find the robot or android known as ‘Ash’?

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Q.  9:  In which country did the soup known as ‘Waterzooi’ originate?

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Q. 10:  Two South American countries have no coastline, name them. (A point for each.)

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Q. 11:  Who or what was ‘The African Queen’ in the movie of the same name?

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Q. 12:  What does the yummy breakfast treat ‘Eggs Benedict’ consist of?

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Q. 13:  Which Canadian newspaper magnate held important Government Offices in England during World War I and World War II?

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Q. 14:  Who played ‘Herman Munster’ in the long running CBS Sitcom?

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Q. 15:  Which former American President left behind an immortal souvenir – the teddy -which was named after him?

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Q. 16:  Orson Welles stated of him that his movie ‘The General’ was “the greatest comedy ever made, the greatest Civil War film ever made, and perhaps the greatest film ever made.” Of whom was he speaking?

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Q. 17:  According to Greek mythology whose box contained all the evils of the world?

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Q. 18:  He was born in Poland and emigrated to Palestine in 1906. He became the first Prime Minister of the State of Israel. Who was he?

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Q. 19:  Who wrote 2001 ‘A Space Odyssey’?

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Q. 20:  What is the name of the largest river in Saudi Arabia?

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  The name of which capital city is also contained in the title of a movie starring Frank Sinatra?

A.  1:  Rome, Italy and the movie ‘Tony Rome’.

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Q.  2:  What was the surname (last name) and the nicknames of the father and son who controlled Haiti from 1957 to 1986? (A point for each correct answer, so three points up for grabs.)

A.  2:  Dr Francois Duvalier known as ‘Papa Doc’ (1957-1971) and his son Jean-Claude known as ‘Bébé Doc’ (1971-1986).

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Q.  3:  On which mountain did Noah’s Ark come to rest as the Great Flood subsided?

A.  3:  Mt. Ararat.

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Q.  4:  Who was the biggest selling female singer in America in the 1990s?

A.  4:  Mariah Carey.

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Q.  5:  There are many examples of countries in the world that are land-locked, that is surrounded by several other countries, but there are three countries that are completely surrounded by one other country only, a point for each that you can name and a bonus point if you can name all three.

A.  5:  Vatican City, and San Marino, both surrounded by Italy and  Lesotho surrounded by South Africa.

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Q.  6:  Why was Louise Brown famous in 1978?

A.  6:  She was the world’s first test-tube baby.

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Q.  7:  What is the longest river in Australia?

A.  7:  The Murray River

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Q.  8:  In which well known movie would you find the robot or android known as ‘Ash’?

A.  8:  ‘Ash’ was the robot/android in the movie ‘Alien’.

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Q.  9:  In which country did the soup known as ‘Waterzooi’ originate?

A.  9:  Belgium.

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Q. 10:  Two South American countries have no coastline, name them. (A point for each.)

A. 10:  Bolivia and Paraguay.

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Q. 11:  Who or what was ‘The African Queen’ in the movie of the same name?

A. 11:  ‘The African Queen’ was a boat.

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Q. 12:  What does the yummy breakfast treat ‘Eggs Benedict’ consist of?

A. 12:  ‘Eggs Benedict’ consists of two halves of an English muffin, topped with ham or bacon, poached eggs, and Hollandaise sauce.

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Q. 13:  Which Canadian newspaper magnate held important Government Offices in England during World War I and World War II?

A. 13:  Lord Beaverbrook.

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Q. 14:  Who played ‘Herman Munster’ in the long running CBS Sitcom?

A. 14:  Fred Gwynne.

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Q. 15:  Which former American President left behind an immortal souvenir – the teddy -which was named after him?

A. 15:  Theodore Roosevelt

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Q. 16:  Orson Welles stated of him that his movie ‘The General’ was “the greatest comedy ever made, the greatest Civil War film ever made, and perhaps the greatest film ever made.” Of whom was he speaking?

A. 16:  Joseph Frank “Buster” Keaton.

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Q. 17:  According to Greek mythology whose box contained all the evils of the world?

A. 17:  Pandora’s.

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Q. 18:  He was born in Poland and emigrated to Palestine in 1906. He became the first Prime Minister of the State of Israel. Who was he?

A. 18:  David Ben Gurion.

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Q. 19:  Who wrote 2001 ‘A Space Odyssey’?

A. 19:  Arthur C Clarke.

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Q. 20:  What is the name of the largest river in Saudi Arabia?

A. 20:  A bit of a tricky one to end with, there are no rivers in Saudi Arabia. Score a point if you said zero or none.

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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The Sunday Sermon

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Oh dear where to start. 

I’ve said before that America is bad – that’s capital ‘B’, ‘A’ and ‘D’ – at foreign policy. The US Government should know this by now, I’m not the only one saying it. It is a well known fact all over the world – except in America which apparently doesn’t know very much about the rest of the world and also apparently isn’t going to learn any time soon.

There hasn’t been any time in history when America needed to take stock of what has happened and try to make a few friends out there in the big wide world rather than pissing everyone else off needlessly.

Sure if you’re the biggest and strongest on the field you can kick anyone around. But to what purpose when it’s just as easy to get people on your side. Most of the woes America faces, the rest of the world faces too. There’s more in common out there that you might at first think.

Cue the man who was going to bring in great change and had the power to do so. But, no, President Obama hasn’t changed a damn thing. He inherited a great big hole and he just jumped in there with his shovel and keeps on digging.

Worse, he has yet again allowed croneyism to take the place of innovation and good sense.

To help him he has given government positions to the biggest bunch of idiots that you could ever imagine.

Their first job it seems was to continue to piss off Europe. Hot on the heels of the NSA getting caught spying on German Chancellor Merkel,  the U.S. Secretary of State for European and Eurasian Affairs, Victoria Nuland, was caught in a phone call recording saying “F*** the EU”.

Yes, you read that correctly. And she did all this as she was discussing who should be in the new Ukrainian government. 

Whoops! And Double Whoops!!

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Here it is if you want to hear it for yourselves.

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That’s the Secretary of State.

Now what about the Presidential appointeees, the Ambassadors.

You would think the main criteria for choosing your Ambassadors would be to get someone who has an in depth knowledge of the country where they will be posted. Someone well versed in the culture, history, politics etc. Someone who will fit in straight away and make a good impression on behalf of the American people.

Sound sensible?

Yes, of course it does.

Is it the way America chooses its Ambassadors?

No, of course it’s not.

America chooses its Ambassadors, not on ability, but rather on how much money they have raised for the President’s election or re-election campaign.

That’s what you call corruption in any other country. I’m not sure what it’s called in America but the consequences are plain and pathetic to be seen.

Nowhere better than in the most recent hearings for the ambassador positions.

In this lot of new Ambassadors we had Colleen Bell, a TV producer for a soap opera who was picked as the U.S. envoy to Hungary. Did she know anything about Hungary? No. She didn’t utter a word of sense, just relied on waffle and bluff.

The only thing that eased her humiliation was the new Ambassador to Norway who was so clueless he didn’t even know who was in Government there. He even called the Progress Party, which is part of Norway’s ruling coalition, a hate-spewing “fringe element.”

And last in these examples, but not least in terms of inability and unsuitability for the job, was Noah Bryson Mamet. He was the nominee for the Argentina ambassadorship despite the fact that he’d never even visited that country and can’t speak Spanish.

A couple of million dollars for Obama apparently goes a very long way to getting you the job of representing America on the world stage.

Incredible! And not in a good way.

I’ll give you the opportunity to hear Anderson Cooper’s take on it too.

Until the next rant!

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And Abbey Martin

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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There is indeed a fine line between hyphenated words – haven’t you noticed?

Yes, it’s the day to play on words, or play with words.

Whatever way you want to put it, it’s pun day!

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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The other day I held the door open for a clown.

I thought it was a nice jester.

clown jester

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I thought my Granny was going to get me a jumper for my birthday

but she just gave me a card again.

cardigan

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I play for my shop fitting company’s football team.

We are great on the counter attack.

a_Dodson_Shop_Fitters_Reception_Counter_with_Glass_Shelves

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I’ve sent a few angry letters to my Congressman.

A ‘G’ and three ‘R’s.

grrr

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I had a good morning today, I met Cameron Diaz.

And her brother, Buenos.

Cameron-Diaz

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I’m lying in bed listening to the Carpenters…

Who are taking way too long installing the new kitchen.

carpenter-kitchen-fitter

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I’ve just started a new extermination company

that specialises in felines.

I’m calling it curiosity.

Curiosity+killed+the+cat.+source+smosh+facebook+page_06d5f5_3980829

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L’Oreal Saudi Arabia.

Burkas you’re worth it.

l'oreal Saudi Arabia, burkas you're worth it

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My other half reckons I might have schizophrenia!

schizophrenia

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I took a poll recently,

and 100% of the strippers asked

were angry they had nothing to dance on.

silhouette-pole

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“OK son, what do you understand

by the word ‘omniscient’?”

He said, “God knows…”

What a clever little boy!

clever little boy

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I’m writing a post about storms.

So far, it’s just a rough draft.

storms

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Did you hear about the mexcian train killer?

He had locomotives.

Mexican train game

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What’s the singular of ‘werewolves’?

‘I’m a wolf’.

Cartoon Werewolf

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I was gob smacked when my Swedish friend came to

visit from the states and was now living as a woman.

He was Bjorn in the U.S.A.

Bjorn in the U.S.A.

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Today I’m talking techo, well sort of.

As time moves on – and it’s moving on far too fast – more and more things tend to irritate me.

The stupidity and bureaucracy we have to endure is the thing that inspired this blog in the first place and that remains a huge thorn in my side. I have made many comments on that subject and given the opportunity will no doubt make many more.

But another thing that pisses me off more and more is almost the opposite of stupidity – it is people trying to be too damn smart.

Nowhere is this more noticeable than in the technology that we use today.

Now, I’m not a technophobe by any stretch of the imagination. I love my computers and the advent of the internet was one of the greatest things ever, as far as I was concerned. Indeed I have blogged in the past about my long love affair with computers  click here to read it.

Maybe it’s because of that long love affair, because I have been involved with computers for so many years, that what is happening now irritates me so much.

What I’m talking about is the fact that today’s personal computers and tablets and telephones and all the other periphery of techo gadgets try to do far too much for their owners. Everyone who has one of these machines is apparently a moron, or at least that’s how the manufacturers seem to treat us.

In the good old days you actually had to work at making your computer do things. Your telephone in those days made telephone calls and that was about it. And tablets were the things the doctor prescribed when you were feeling poorly.

To cut what could well turn into a very long list of current irritations into a manageable size, let me concentrate on just a few of the most horrible things that we now have to face.

In fact, rather than go on and on I’ll split this post over a few days.

Today it’s telephones.

Like I just said, I remember the days when phones were used to make phone calls – seemed logical enough to us at the time. Now they do all sorts of things. You can still phone people when you figure out how, but now you can also text, surf the internet, send and receive video messages and calls, play games, buy stuff – in fact almost everything you can do on your computer you can now do on a smart phone. And most of them have reasonable quality cameras too.

For a while those who could afford a cell phone were lumbered with a thing the size of a brick and it weighed almost as much too!

You can see one of those in the photo below (far left!). You can still get them, or rather a modern version if you want to draw a bit of attention to yourself – and there are always people who do.

evolution-phone

As the years went on the phones kept getting smaller and smaller. That was good for a while. They became light and pocket sized. But miniaturization became the trend, and cell phones got really really really small to the extent that unless you had the fingers of a five year old child instead of chubby man paws it was a struggle to find the right numbers to make a call and a nightmare to send a text.

Then, mainly because of the advance of wifi and 3G and 4G and so forth, cell phones started to get bigger again to the extent that they are nearly back to the size of that brick again, albeit a lot thinner and lighter. Glasses are the next step, with a heads up view just like on the helmet visors of those jet fighters you see in the movies. And sometime in the not too distant future you will just need a silicone chip embedded at the back of your ear-hole. Not sure I’ll go for that last one though.

That’s a potted history of the cell phone, but now for the really irritating part.

When texting really took off and became the most popular form of communication when using a cell phone, someone – they won’t tell me his name probably for his own safety – decided that we needed help writing a text. Not what I call a “speel chekkar” that is available on your computer – which would have been acceptable – but a much more sinister and annoying invention.

Guessed what it is yet?

Yes, it’s “auto-correct” or as it likes to call itself “anal cortex”.

I hate this thing with a passion. I disconnect it on every device I can because it doesn’t work!

Auto-correct has not the slightest idea what you are trying to say. It is unnecessary, frustrating, irritating and useless.

It has only one saving grace that I have found.

Sometimes it’s funny.

If you are not likely to be offended by strong language, have a look at some of the examples below and you’ll see exactly what I mean.

Enjoy.

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autocorrect001.

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autocorrect002.

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autocorrect003.

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autocorrect004.

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autocorrect005.

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autocorrect006.

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autocorrect007.

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autocorrect008.

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Yes, here are a few more fantastic facts to deposit in your knowledge bank.

Very random, but hopefully interesting.

And in case you are wondering, yes, I’m staying clear of St. Louis for obvious reasons.

Enjoy.

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did you know1

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It’s illegal to drink beer out of a bucket

while you’re sitting on a curb in St. Louis!

drink beer out of a bucket

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One ragweed plant can release as many as

one billion grains of pollen!

Solidago balsam ragweed plant

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The two-foot long bird called a Kea that lives in New Zealand

likes to eat the strips of rubber around car windows!

kea bird

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Skepticisms is the longest word

that alternates hands when typing!

keyboard

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The director of Cannibal Holocaust had to prove in court

that the actors were still alive and didn’t get killed during the movie

cannibal-holocaust-original

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A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle,

a group of geese in the air is a skein!

geese in the air

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Over 2500 left handed people a year are killed

from using products made for right handed people!

left handed people

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There are more than 10 million bricks

in the Empire State Building!

Looking Up at Empire State Building

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If you counted 24 hours a day,

it would take 31,688 years to reach one trillion!

1_trillion

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The sun is 330,330 times larger than the earth!

Solar_System_3

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Pinocchio is Italian for “pine eye”!

Pinocchio

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The Mint once considered producing

doughnut-shaped coins!

doughnut-shaped coins

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It’s against the law to pawn your dentures in Las Vegas!

false-teeth

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The average American/Canadian

drinks about 600 sodas a year!

sodas

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Bulls are color blind, and therefore will usually charge

at a matador’s waving cape no matter what color it is

– be it red or neon yellow!

 Bulls are color blind

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Hi, and welcome to another week and to start it off, another quiz.

The usual selection of random questions to test your knowledge.

And, as usual, if you get stuck you can find the answers waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay down below, but please, NO cheating!

Enjoy and good luck.

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Quiz_button 02

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Q.  1:  This one is the name of a famous city and also the man who ran away with Helen?

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Q.  2:  What is the highest mountain in Africa?

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Q.  3:  On which river does the city of Vienna stand?

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Q.  4:  Who was the Empress of India in 1876?

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Q.  5:  In which South American country did the ‘bossa nova’ originate?

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Q.  6:  The so-called “Pastry war” of 1838 was fought between which two nations?

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Q.  7:  Which capital city features in the name of a movie starring Sabu and based on the Arabian Nights?

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Q.  8:  What started in a bakery in Pudding Lane in 1666?

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Q.  9:  To which country does the island of Madeira belong?

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Q. 10:  It’s almost time for the Hollywood Academy Awards again, but who won the Academy Award for best actress two years in a row in 1967 and 1968? (Bonus points if you can also name the movies.)

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Q. 11:  How old was Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart when he died in 1791?

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Q. 12:  What U.S. President committed an unpardonable sin by kissing Britain’s Queen Mother on the lips?

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Q. 13:  On which small island did the USA first test their H bomb in 1954?

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Q. 14:  Most people have heard of the phrase “Crossing the Rubicon” meaning to pass a point of no return, but who was the source of the phrase when he crossed the Rubicon and who was his opponent? (A point for each.)

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Q. 15:  What make of car did Lenin and Stalin have one of that Brezhnev had three of?

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Q. 16:  Which country seceded from Colombia in 1903?

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Q. 17:  Which famous movie title is the Mexican name for the river known in the USA as ‘Rio Grande’?

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Q. 18:  in 1984 who were Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd and Harold Ramis?

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Q. 19:  What mythological creature did Britain’s King George V have tattooed on his right arm?

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Q. 20:  Versions of this popular song have been recorded by Julie Covington, Madonna, Sarah Brighman, Elaine Paige, Sinead O’Connor, Susan Erens and The Carpenters, among others, what is it?

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ANSWERS

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Q.  1:  This one is the name of a famous city and also the man who ran away with Helen?

A.  1:  Paris.

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Q.  2:  What is the highest mountain in Africa?

A.  2:  Mt. Kilimanjaro.

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Q.  3:  On which river does the city of Vienna stand?

A.  3:  The River Danube.

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Q.  4:  Who was the Empress of India in 1876?

A.  4:  Britain’s Queen Victoria.

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Q.  5:  In which South American country did the ‘bossa nova’ originate?

A.  5:  Brazil.

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Q.  6:  The so-called “Pastry war” of 1838 was fought between which two nations?

A.  6:  Mexico and France.

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Q.  7:  Which capital city features in the name of a movie starring Sabu and based on the Arabian Nights?

A.  7:  Baghdad, the name of the movie is “The Thief of Baghdad”.

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Q.  8:  What started in a bakery in Pudding Lane in 1666?

A.  8:  The great fire of London.

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Q.  9:  To which country does the island of Madeira belong?

A.  9:  Portugal.

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Q. 10:  It’s almost time for the Hollywood Academy Awards again, but who won the Academy Award for best actress two years in a row in 1967 and 1968? (Bonus points if you can also name the movies.)

A. 10:  Katharine Hepburn, in 1967 for ‘Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner’ and in 1968 for ‘The Lion In Winter’.

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Q. 11:  How old was Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart when he died in 1791?

A. 11:  Only 35 years old.

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Q. 12:  What U.S. President committed an unpardonable sin by kissing Britain’s Queen Mother on the lips?

A. 12:  President Jimmy Carter.

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Q. 13:  On which small island did the USA first test their H bomb in 1954?

A. 13:  Bikini.

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Q. 14:  Most people have heard of the phrase “Crossing the Rubicon” meaning to pass a point of no return, but who was the source of the phrase when he crossed the Rubicon and who was his opponent? (A point for each.)

A. 14:  The phrase originated when Julius Caesar crossed the River Rubicon to fight Pompey.

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Q. 15:  What make of car did Lenin and Stalin have one of that Brezhnev had three of?

A. 15:  Rolls Royce.

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Q. 16:  Which country seceded from Colombia in 1903?

A. 16:  Panama.

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Q. 17:  Which famous movie title is the Mexican name for the river known in the USA as ‘Rio Grande’?

A. 17: Rio Bravo

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Q. 18:  in 1984 who were Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd and Harold Ramis?

A. 18:  They were the ‘Ghostbusters’, a group of misfit parapsychologists Peter Venkman (Bill Murray), Raymond Stantz (Dan Aykroyd), and Egon Spengler (Harold Ramis).

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Q. 19:  What mythological creature did Britain’s King George V have tattooed on his right arm?

A. 19:  A Dragon.

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Q. 20:  Versions of this popular song have been recorded by Julie Covington, Madonna, Sarah Brighman, Elaine Paige, Sinead O’Connor, Susan Erens and The Carpenters, among others, what is it?

A. 20:  “Don’t Cry For Me, Argentina”

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“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

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Well, maybe not ‘all’ of you. But some people like them.

Here are a few more.

Enjoy or endure!

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rofl

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I just learned the other day that a violin

is comprised of seventy separate pieces of wood.

It must be a fiddly job putting it all together!

violin maker

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I named my car flattery.

It gets me nowhere.

broken down car

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I got depressed when I lost my job at the Apple factory.

“Have you been taking any tablets?” asked the doctor.

“Yeah. Why do you think I got fired?”

Apple itablet

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I’ve started a band called ‘Nostalgia’.

If we don’t make it, at least people will remember us fondly.

Obracken-NostalgiaGoodTimesGoodTimes569

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My wife planted some seeds in the garden a while back

and just recently they’ve pushed through the soil.

She said to me today, “What do you think they are?”

“I don’t know,” I replied.  

“But they’ve definitely grown hyacinth we last looked at them.”

hyacinth

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I hopped on a bus today.

After five minutes, the driver told me to sit down.

Hopping-off-the-Bus

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Just had to close my new restaurant down.

It was called “Mexican Tortilla”.

I just kept getting calls from language students…

Mexican Tortilla

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As I sat cleaning my rifle, my wife nagged,

“I think you love that gun more than me.”

“Are you even listening to me?” she asked.

“Yes, deer,” I replied.

man-cleaning-inside-the-barrel-of-his-unloaded-rifle-gun-clipart-by-dennis-cox-at-wackystock

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I’ll never forget my first love.

She took me outside and showed me the garden.

She then showed me the hole, at the bottom of her garden.

Full of water.

“Throw in a coin and make a wish.” She said.

So I did.

I remember her well.

wishing well

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I started a business selling life support machines

but I’m on the verge of going bust.

Ironically, I’ve got to pull the plug.

life support machines

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A psychic told me how to get more friends on Facebook,

and it worked!

What a great social medium.

Cartoon-Fortune-Teller

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I tried to do a computer course

but I couldn’t hack it

computer course

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Just got back from the ‘Free Pussy Riot’ march.

Not what I was expecting,

apparently they’re some Russian band.

'Free Pussy Riot'

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Contrary to popular belief Owls are not wise,

they’re stupid and illiterate.

It’s “Tu Whit Tu WHOM!”

cartoon-owl

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“It’s nice to be served by somebody English for a change,”

I said to the waitress in a café.

“These days most of you are foreign and don’t understand a word I say. For instance…”

“For instance, what?” said the waitress, after a long pause.

“Four instant coffees, please.”

cartoon-of-aggressive-waitress

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