Archive for April, 2013

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

More from the fascinating fact file.

Here are a few more things that you didn’t know you didn’t know.

Enjoy.

.

did you know 5

.

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

change for a dollar

.

. 

A healthy (non-colorblind) human eye

can distinguish between 500 shades of gray.

So the book is wrong!

500 shades of gray.

. 

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit 

-  especially by her parents!

goldfish.

. 

If you plant an apple seed,

it is almost guaranteed to grow a tree

of a different type of apple.

apple tree.

. 

Andorra, a tiny country between France & Spain,

has the longest average lifespan:

83.49 years.

Andorra.

. 

“The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick”

is said to be the toughest tongue twister in English.

tongue twister.

. 

‘Duff’ is the decaying organic matter found on a forest floor.

forest.

. 

Gabriel, Michael, and Lucifer are the only angels named in the Bible.

archangels.

. 

Abraham Lincoln’s ghost is said to haunt the White House.

lincoln ghost.

. 

Only female mosquitoes bite.

mosquito female.

. 

The past-tense of the English word “dare” is “durst”

past tense.

. 

Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a “Friday the 13th.”

friday the 13th.

. 

Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.

(and ninety percent of that ninety percent have no clue where they are going!)

NY cabbies rogues.

. 

The volume of the earth’s moon is the same

as the volume of the Pacific Ocean.

moon.

. 

The New York phone book had 22 Hitlers before WWII.

The New York phone book had 0 Hitlers after WWII.

phone book.

. 

King Louis XIX ruled France for about 15 minutes 

-  he succeeded with abdication of Charles X

only to abdicate in favor of Henry V.

Louis_antoine_artois.

. 

Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves

when they rode past their king.

This custom has become the modern military salute.

armored knight.

. 

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies room during a dance.

(and all new babies look just like him, except your own of course!)

 Churchill babies

.

================================

.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”
.

I did a short series a few months back about some of the stupid laws stupid politicians had made. They were quite funny and most of them dated back many years, they just hadn’t been taken off the statute books.

That excused the old laws, maybe.

But they are still at it even today!

I know that you shouldn’t expect too much when a group of uninformed and irresponsible people go out and vote to elect a smaller group of uninformed and irresponsible politicians, while most people stay at home. But we call that democracy these days. And in what passes for normal times you can get away with it.

economic-crisis

But these are not normal times we are living in. America, and most of the western world, is in desperate trouble economically. We need help from our politicians.

Help to stimulate economic growth; help to make it easier to do business in and from the US; help to protect us from cheap inferior crap being imported that has destroyed local jobs and industries; help for entrepreneurs to establish new wealth generating businesses; and help from the socialist bureaucratic nightmare that is completely out of hand.

As regard the stupid laws, these days most of them center around ways that bankrupt governments, whether national or local, can think up to extract more and more from the people who elected them.

internet-tax-increase

Currently US bureaucrats are frantically trying to think up another way to tax the internet. Previous attempts failed because of public outcry, but sooner or later they will do it and who will it help? Everybody who isn’t in business in America and the EU probably, because it won’t apply anywhere else!

The mantra of these idiot bureaucrats is to make America more productive and prosperous by making America less competitive and poorer. It sits nicely with their other mantra of solving economic woes by extracting more and more tax from less and less income. Neither works and never will.

Maryland Welcome

What prompted this rant? 

Well only the unbelievable fact that the idiot politicians in Maryland have decided to tax rain.

What????

Tax what????

Yes, you read it right, the idiot politicians in Maryland have decided to tax rain.

They call it by a fancy name, of course, the “Impervious Surfaces tax”, or ”storm water management fee”, but what it in effect does is to charge Maryland residents for rainwater that falls on their property.

rain tax

Naturally, the bureaucrats are dressing up this latest money grab with the lie that it is for the benefit of the people. It’s bit like a pick pocket excusing his theft by saying he was relieving you of the burden of carrying your wallet around in your coat pocket. And it makes just as much sense!

Thankfully, however, there seems to be a few with a working brain left in local government. Anne Arundel County Executive Laura Neuman, for example, vetoed the tax proposal which unfortunately won’t kill it, but will give a little bit of breathing space.

But if the residents of Maryland are “chicken” enough to fall in line with this new tax – and so far it seems most of them have been dumb enough not to even notice it at all – then it won’t be the end of it.

martin-omalley

Democratic Maryland Gov. Martin O’Malley, who guided the passage of the storm water tax earlier this month, despite efforts from Republicans to dismantle the bill, has already been responsible for implementing 37 other taxes and fees since taking office — at a cost to residents estimated at somewhere in the region of $3.1 billion annually.

Does anyone really think an idiot like this is going to let the people have air and sunshine for free???

 tax tax and more tax

.

===========================================

.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Today another selection of signs from various Churches that didn’t turn out to be s heavenly as perhaps intended, but some of them quite clever too! (But not the first one though, they couldn’t even spell Church!)

Enjoy.

.

.

church_forgiveyourenemies

.

.

.

church_godshownofavoritism

.

.

.

church_godslastname400

.

.

.

church_havefaithlifted

.

.

.

church_howwillyouspendeternity

.

.

.

church_ifevolution

.

.

.

church_ifyourreligion

.

.

.

church_Ihatethischurch

.

.

.

church_Ikissedagirl

.

.

.

church_imaginehell

.

.

.

church_letmebetheperson

.

.

.

church_lookingforasignfrojmGod

.

.

.

church_loosetongue

.

.

.

church_makingholywater

.

.

.

church_mandatoryrectalprobe

.

.

.

church_lipsthattouchliquor

.

=====================================

.

 “Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Thought it was safe?

Sorry, pun day again folks.

Enjoy!

.

. 

Deja Moo:

The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

deja-moo

.

I’m not a complete idiot

Some parts are just missing.

I'm not a complete idiot

.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

gene pool could use a little chlorine

.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Old Coots Hangover The Wrath Of Grapes

.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:

“A beer please, and one for the road.”

One-for-the-road

.

Did you hear about the butcher backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.

a little behind in his work

.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg,

but broke it off.

boyfriend with a wooden leg

.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

without geometry

.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Baker_Kneading_Dough

.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

blanket-blanket-factory-folded-pun

.

. 

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

cartoon_condom

.

Dockyard:

A physician’s garden.

physician's garden

.

A guy was confused about why the doctors had amputated his arms and legs.

In fact he was stumped.

amputated his arms

.

A man wakes up on a deserted island

only to find that the sun, sand and sea are all purple.

He cried: “Oh no, I’ve been marooned!”

marooned

.

Men need to stop telling jokes about women’s menstrual cycle!

Period.

women's menstrual cycle

.

My girlfriend said that she’s leaving me,

because of my constant grass related puns.

I told her to sod off.

sod

.

My wife gave me a lecture about

my obsession with mythical creature puns.

It didn’t half Dragon.

dragon

.

A nine-year-old lad walks into a pub and yells at the barmaid for a Scotch on the rocks.

‘Do you want to get me into trouble?’ she replies.

‘Maybe later,’ says the boy, ‘but now I just want a drink’.

. 

================================

.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

The original title of this post was “Farting On Airplanes” because it is really about farting on airplanes, but I thought it might be better just to call it “It’s An Ill Wind”.

No, come on, now you know don’t turn your noses up, or pretend this is something that (a) you’ve never thought about, or (b) never done. Farting on airplanes is an international phenomenon that transcends all nationalities, religions, ages, creeds, classes and colors.

It is in fact the common bond of all the world’s travelers.

Whether it can ever bring us closer together, however, is another thing (Phew!)

longer larger fart plane

.

This is a quite embarrassing story. Not something one would normally admit to, but people write unusual things on blogs.

It concerns one of the first long haul flights that I was ever on.

Nowadays, as a seasoned flyer, I always have a good meal before the flight. I don’t suffer from air sickness of any kind and I don’t care for the stuff they call airline food. Back then, however, I was a novice and ended up on board without any breakfast other than a cup of coffee. My stomach was empty – of food anyhow.

All was well for about twenty or thirty minutes and then it started.

The obvious solution would have been to get up and go to the toilet. But easy options aren’t the way I have gone through life so far.

Also it was a big plane, a 747, and the toilets were quite a bit away from my seat. I would face a long walk down the narrow aisle.

Not that the walk itself was the problem. It was just that whoever designs airline seats has arranged things so that the nose and ears of the person sitting down is just about at the same height as the bottom of the person walking casually past.

You see the predicament?

In any case, I found myself in a window seat with two other seats to negotiate before I got to the aisle. Such was the pressure building up that I feared the exertion of hopping over the additional seats would make the whole purpose of the journey somewhat redundant.

There was nothing for it but to stay where I was, with the unfortunate choice being either bursting or releasing some of the pressure. Not unnaturally I chose to do the latter option.

As these things go it was a substantial outcome. But the drone of the plane engines (they were a lot louder in those days, I think, I hope, weren’t they?) seemed to drown out any other background noises.

I didn’t hear a thing.

I double checked by having a quick look at the person unfortunate enough to be sitting beside me, but there was no sign in the expression on his face that anything untoward had happened. Either that or he was a professional poker player with a practiced deadpan expression – or in a state of semi consciousness as a result of the concussive force emanating from the seat beside him.

My confidence grew. I thought of the famous campfire scene from Blazing Saddles and let a few more go in tribute.

Farting Mid Flight

.

I was so happy at the relief and at the fact that all was undetected that I allowed myself a triumphant smile, and then even a laugh. The movie I was watching was a comedy so my laughter didn’t look out of place either.

It was all good.

Hang on a minute.

All was not as good as it seemed.

Cut the laughter and cue serious worried face.

I suddenly realized that all this time I had been wearing the headphones the flight attendant had given us for the movies they were showing. No wonder I had heard nothing!

Oh dear me! What had I done?

Well, I knew what I had done, of course. The big question now was, did anyone else know? Had they heard me doing it?

I looked again at the man in the seat beside me. Again no perceivable reaction on his face that indicated that anything out of the ordinary had happened, although now I was aware of them I saw that he too was wearing the headphones.   

I was relieved a bit, but still very curious. And when I get curious about something I have to try to find an answer.

So there was nothing for it but let rip again, this time with my headphones off.

And that’s what I did.

Thankfully, in the interests of the scientific experiment now under way, the quality of the offending item had not diminished in force. A guy knows about these things even without any audio feedback.

To my great relief, in every meaning of the word, I still didn’t hear a thing. The drone of the airplane engines had indeed drowned out any other sounds.

It was a magnificently liberating experience and from that day on I have never looked back, as it were.

Further experimentation revealed that the same undetectable result could be achieved even on much smaller airplanes. Commercial jets I’m talking about, of course, this is not a sport to indulge in on a single engined Cesna or something like that.

I also found out that it is possible I have been saving the airlines lucky enough to win my custom a small fortune. As you know the air in airplanes these days is all re-circulated and, as the methane content of a fart is lighter than air, the captured gas therefore contributes to keeping the airplane airborne with a consequent saving on fuel. That’s my story anyhow.

farting in airplanes

.

And the good news just keeps on coming.

Independent research confirms that a person’s sense of smell is greatly suppressed in the reduced cabin air pressure, which incidentally is also why airplane food tastes so bad. 

So now if you are on an airplane and sitting beside someone who is chuckling to himself – or herself, yes ladies your secret is out – you’ll know the real reason why!

One day it might even be me!!!

.

.

===================================

.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

Yes it’s time for another day filled with those fun facts that we all like to read.

And they’ll come in handy when you least expect it, as one or two people have already found out.

So learn and enjoy!

.

.

In the 1800s feeding lobster to prisoners

was considered to be ‘a cruel and unusual punishment,

like making people eat rats’.

lobster-thermidor

.

Mosquitos are more attracted to the color blue than any other color.

mosquito-hunter

.

The Guinness Book of Records holds the record

for being the book most often stolen from Libraries.

guinness-world-records-2013-book_0

.

In Albania,

nodding your head means ‘no’

and shaking your head means ‘yes’.

opposite-day

.

You share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world.

How unique is that?

birthday

.

In India, Pajamas are accepted as standard daytime wearing apparel.

kurta-pajama

.

A female oyster produces 100 million young in her lifetime;

the typical hen lays 19 dozen eggs a year;

rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants;

and it is possible for one female cat to be responsible for the birth of 20,736 kittens in four years.

kittens

.

The greatest officially recorded number of children born to one mother is 69,

to the wife of Feodor Vassilyev (b. 1707–c.1782), a peasant from Shuya, Russia.

In 27 confinements she gave birth to 16 pairs of twins, seven sets of triplets and four sets of quadruplets.

Only two of the children failed to survive their infancy.

69-children-born-to-one-woman

.

750ml of blood pumps through your brain every minute

which is 15-20% of blood flow from the heart.

brain

.

. 

The February of 1865 and 1999 are the only months

in recorded history not to have a full moon.

moon

.

It has been estimated that at any one time

around 0.7% of the world’s population is drunk.

Cheers!

Cartoon_Drunk

.

The name Jeep comes from “GP”,

the army abbreviation for General Purpose.

jeep

.

. 

Baby Ruth candy bar was named after Grover Cleveland’s daughter, Ruth,

not the baseball player.

baby-ruth-logo

.

Elwood Edwards did the voice for the AOL sound files

(i.e. “You’ve got Mail!”).

Elwood Edwards

.

55.1% of all US prisoners are in prison for drug offenses.

prisoners

.

Sherlock Holmes NEVER said ‘Elementary, my dear Watson!’

Holmes does use the word ‘elementary’ in The Crooked Man (1894)

but ‘Elementary, my dear Watson’ itself was coined 21 years later

by P.G. Wodehouse in his novel Psmith, Journalist (1915).

However, Holmes did ejaculate several times, as did Watson and others.

In fact, there are 23 ejaculations in total, with 11 belonging to Watson and 6 to Holmes.

On one occasion, Holmes refers to Watson’s ‘ejaculations of wonder’ being invaluable;

on another, Watson ejaculates ‘from his very heart’ in the direction of his fiancée.

A chap called Phelps ejaculated three times during the story of The Naval Treaty.

The only other ejaculator is Mrs St Clair’s husband,

who ejaculates at her from a second-floor window!

Paget_holmes

It is not clear whether it is Holmes or Watson who ejaculates in the passage below,

taken from “The Man with the Twisted Lip”, 1891:

“So he sat as I dropped off to sleep, and so he sat when a sudden ejaculation caused me to wake up,

and I found the summer sun shining into the apartment. The pipe was still between his lips,

the smoke still curled upward, and the room was full of a dense tobacco haze,

but nothing remained of the heap of shag which I had seen upon the previous night.”

Isn’t the English Language wonderful.

==========================

.

 “Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

A slight break from the classic classified ads this weekend.

But some of these are every bit as funny, some even more so.

Give them and try and tell me what you think.

Enjoy!  

.

.

church autumn leaves jesus

.

.

church bring your own jesus

.

.

church cafe and chat

.

.

church church cartoon

.

.

church church parking only

.

.

church clown led worship

.

.

church _come inside for message

.

.

church doesnt work in hell

.

.

church dont let worries

.

.

church dont make me come down there

.

.

church download your worries

.

.

church everyday above ground

.

.

===================================

.

“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”

.

How about a short story of love, betrayal, and revenge to end the week?

Enjoy.

.

The divorce had just become final and she was preparing to remove all her remaining belongings from what had been “their” house.

On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light. She put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods.

Then she cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, her ex-husband came back to the house with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.

smellyhouse2

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days.

In the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked!

People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit.

smellyhouse1

Finally, the ex and his new girl couldn’t take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move.

But a month later – even though they’d cut their price in half – they couldn’t find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to buy a new place.

It was then that she called her ex-husband and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house.

She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

He was so desperate to get rid of the unsaleable house, that he agreed on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth.

And because he knew she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he wasn’t going to give her any time to visit the place again.

The deal was good only if she would sign the papers that very day!

She agreed.

Within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork which she duly signed.

A week later her ex-husband and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home…….

. 

……and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods too!

.

Aren’t happy endings just great?

.

==============================

.