“Fight Against Stupidity And Bureaucracy”
No, I didn’t misspell the word in the title, this blog post is about tenants not tenets.
They say about politicians that they are always there when they need you. Tenants are a bit the same.
I have been a landlord for a number of years and I have had a variety of tenants from the perfect, who if they have minor problems take care of them themselves, to the nightmare variety who whinge about everything even the most trivial of matters and things that are clearly their own fault.
Similarly my experience with rental agencies and so forth has been both good and bad.
But that’s life, sometimes the wind’s behind you, sometimes there’s a gale blowing in your face.
But whatever else tenants do, they sometimes amuse, not least when they are writing to you to do something about a problem they are having with the house or apartment.
Here are a few excerpts of funny letters to landlords to illustrate what I mean.
- “The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.”
- “I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off.”
- “This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.”
- “The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?”
- “I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.”
- “I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.”
- “Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.”
- “Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.”
- “Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.”
- “Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.”
- “50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy”
- “Will you please send a man to look at my water. It is a funny color and not fit to drink.”
- “It’s the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow”
- “I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.”
- “The lavatory is blocked, this is caused by the boys next door throwing their balls on the roof.”
- “I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers.”
- “The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.”
- “Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.”
- “I awoke this morning and found my water boiling.”
- “I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.”
- “When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife’s new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.”
- Lady tenant complaining about DIY repairs next door: “He has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it any more.”
- Problems with the garden foilage: “My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it”
- Noisy neighbours: “… and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.”
- “I am a single woman living in a downstairs apartment and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.”
- Repairs needed: “Send a man round with a big tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.”
- “I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.”
- “I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them away.”
- “This is to let you know that our toilet seat is broken and we can’t get Channel 2 television programs.”